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AIBU?

to distance my family from this man because of one outburst?

84 replies

EmmalinaC · 31/08/2010 13:13

Here's the outburst...

DH and I and our DDs aged 4 and 1 were out walking in Hurtwood with a friend and his two DDs aged 4 and 2. It's a managed forest and is popular with hikers, dog-walkers, mountain-bikers etc. We've only known this family a few years but because they lived close by and our daughters are similar ages we beacme close very quickly. Anyway, we were all straggling along the track - DH and I up ahead with the younger girls, our friend behind with the two 4-year-olds - when 5 young lads on mountain bikes came toward us. DH and I stepped aside, they thanked us, I called back down the track that bikes were coming through. Our DD jumped on to the verge, his 4 year old DD stopped walking in the middle of the path. As they passed by she gave an almighty scream - eveyone believed one of them had hit her. The lads on bikes stopped to check if she was okay but before this could be ascertained, our friend, her father, grabbed one of them by the scruff, fist raised, screaming obscenities at him, threatening to kill him. The lads were terrified, the daughter still screaming. I established that she wasn't hurt 'just frightened' but still he ranted, screaming at them all to fuck off again and again, until they all did, visibly shaken. And then our friend said to his daughter 'it's alright darling, you know Daddy will always protect you'

DH and I were stunned that a grown man could be so aggressive towards teenagers in front of small children, who were visibly shaken. If it hadn't been so horrible it would almost have been funny.

He later apologised to me for swearing but frankly it's not the language that bothered me - I'm sure they've heard the word 'fuck' before - it's the complete loss of control and subsequent justification of it to his daughter.

DH thinks I'm being a bit PFB about the whole business so I thought I'd check with MN. Am I being unreasonable to not want my children spending time with this man? Or should I give him the benefit of the doubt and put it down to a bad day?

OP posts:

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zapostrophe · 31/08/2010 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LilQueenie · 31/08/2010 13:19

I dont think you are being unreasonable here. He has a violent temper. i wouldnt like my kids around anyone like that.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 31/08/2010 13:19

IIWY, I'd put it down to him being PFB and having a bad day. Give him another chance. Have you seen anything like this before? I doubt my DH would react like that, but I would.

colditz · 31/08/2010 13:20

YANBU

I would avoid. I'm quite loud myself, but I don't like people who 'lose it' in front of small children.

MrsChemist · 31/08/2010 13:21

Did it not occur to him that his violent outburst probably made the whole thing much more upsetting for his daughter?

I'd avoid him in future if he cannot control himself.

Goblinchild · 31/08/2010 13:21

'her father, grabbed one of them by the scruff, fist raised, screaming obscenities at him, threatening to kill him'

If that was my son, I'd have reported the assault and threats to the police. He sounds unstable in his over-protectiveness.
No, I wouldn't be associating with him in the future.

maristella · 31/08/2010 13:24

let's hope one of your children doesn't have a fallout with one of his!

violethill · 31/08/2010 13:25

I wouldn't feel comfortable spending time with an adult who can't control themself.

What might happen if it were an incident where it appeared on the surface that one of your children hurt or upset his dd in some way? I'm not saying he would necessarily react quite as strongly, but he has proved himself to act disproportionately and without even checking to see what has actually happened first. I think I would always feel anxious that if my kids were playing at his, and something happened or there was a falling out, he could fly into a temper. Even without the physical assault, the verbal abuse sounds shocking. I wouldn't want to be around it, or for my children to hear it.

prozacfairy · 31/08/2010 13:28

YANBU. Even if one of the bikes had hit the child it was an accident and his reaction was totally over the top. As MrsChemist said, his outburst probably upset his DD loads more.

Also am I alone in thinking that if I thought my DC had been hurt like this my first thought would be helping them, not spoiling for a fight with a bunch of kids? He sounds like he likes a good fight.

I'd avoid this idiot like the plague and I certainly would never leave my own child with him. After all, wtf is he gonna do if one your DC upsets one of his DC? A headbutt? Kcik in the crotch?

Poshpaws · 31/08/2010 13:32

I would avoid. He sounds quite scary, epsecially as it wasn't even established whether the boys had bumped into her.

Poor lads. They even stopped to see how she was .

Goblinchild · 31/08/2010 13:34

Is your DH a superior Alpha Male to him?
If you're going to associate with him, you need to know where in the pack you and yours rank.

coodles · 31/08/2010 13:34

I would not want to get on the wrong side of someone like this.........serious anger issues here.

EmmalinaC · 31/08/2010 13:43

Thanks for the replies. I have heard from his wife (who wasn't with us and who I love very much) that he has an unreasonable temper and can be a bully. I know theirs is not a happy marriage. One of the reasons we spend time with them is to show their children a bit of normality, IYKWIM. (DH is godfather to their youngest DD so we have an obligation). So I'm a bit torn because it may make life harder for her and the children if we avoid them altogether but at the same time I don't ever, EVER want my children to be exposed to that kind of behaviour again.

Goblin I doubt it. Bigger, yes, but without a violent bone in his body

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 31/08/2010 13:52

Then invite the children and/or the mother to do stuff without him.
She needs to get him into anger management or counselling ASAP, he's unlikely to change without external support.

MrsMerlothasabadhead · 31/08/2010 13:55

I wouldn't want my children around him if hes prone to violent outbursts. If you really can't sever ties completely (your dh is god father) I would be making sure I was always around my dc when he is there.

I'm pretty sure in those circumstances my Dh would have firstly picked dc up, checked s/he wasn't hurt, then calmed her down. If the lads had slowed down and taken care passing her, and then also seemed concerned and stopped when she cried he would probably also have apologised to the teenagers for her dramatics

Is he always this protective of his dd? Makes you wonder how protective he is of his wife as well especially if she admits hes got a bad temper and is a bully.

isitoktodonothing · 31/08/2010 13:57

.

alicet · 31/08/2010 13:59

Could you and your dh speak to him about how you feel about this? I appreciate this might sound mad but if the girls are friends then I think its at least worth trying to sort things out for their sake.

I would be deeply uneasy about this man being alone with my children unless we could talk about what had happened and he seemed truely sorry and shocked at his behaviour. Which doesn't sound to be the case from what you say...

ChippingIn · 31/08/2010 14:01

I was going to say have nothing more to do with them... until I read the next bit.

I think you should still see them etc but get DH to say to him that his outburst frightened your children and that he needs to do something about the level of his anger - take classes or something - before it escalates out of control.

Then never leave your girls unsupervised with him.

pigletmania · 31/08/2010 14:01

That is totally unacceptable behaviour, if i were you I would have been really embarrassed to be associated with him on the walk. I would avoid going out with them, and just mabey just see the wife iyswim when the dh is at work or out.

pigletmania · 31/08/2010 14:02

Mabey leave some anger management leaflets lying round in their house or yours if they come to visit.

BlackBess · 31/08/2010 14:08

avoid

Janos · 31/08/2010 14:13

YANBU at all Emmalina. He sounds an absolute twat.

kreecher - you would start screaming, swearing, grabbing at and threaten to kill people? Really?

Don't get me wrong, I can understand a strong reaction if you think your child has been hurt but this is way out of order, on every level. Even more so because it's in front of children.

His poor wife and DDs.

BarmyArmy · 31/08/2010 14:13

From what has been written, his reaction does sound a mite excessive but, in the interests of balance...who here would not resort to violence in the interests of protecting their children?

I've never struck anyone in my life and have always been the one to walk away from the "oi, what the fck are you looking at?"-types you find in some pubs etc but* I would never rule it out, not least where protecting my daughter is concerned.

GetOrfMoiLand · 31/08/2010 14:18

No, I would avoid a prat like this.

Yes, protective re your kdis is good. If I was the mother of that teenage boy I would certainly feel protective.

What an arse. For the sake of your kids keep well away.

OrmRenewed · 31/08/2010 14:21

I agree withy goblin - loath as I am to make a fuss I think he was totally out of order. Poor boy

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