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AIBU?

To say, "WHAT?! No. NO!! Have you lost your MIND??!?!"

42 replies

ThisIsntMe · 31/08/2010 13:00

I have a tale to tell. It is unlikely those involved will see it, but just in case I have name changed. I desperately need some advice.

My cousin separated from her DH some years ago, and has brought her daughters up alone, with some support from their father. They are 12 and 15. They visit their father every other weekend; he's an OK chap, and loves them, but has rather a tempestuous relationship with his partner (violent from both sides, so I gather) and can be argumentative, and often drunk and/or stoned. The girls find it a troublesome and unsettling atmosphere, but love their Dad.

8 years ago, my cousin had 3 dates with a chap we'll call Bill. It didn't quite work out, and she moved in with another man. She separated from him recently. He had been her daughters' stepfather for seven years.

Last month, my cousin travelled to New Zealand to see her brother, and took her daughters with her. Whilst there, she hooked up with Bill, after an 8 year hiatus. She claims she didn't know he'd be there (which I doubt, but perhaps she is telling the truth), when in fact he is her brother's neighbour and close friend. I understand from her daughters that rather than spend time with her brother, whom she had travelled so far to see, my cousin spent every other night with Bill, and many of the days.

She returned from NZ last weekend - and she says that she is going to move to NZ to be with Bill. There has been a great deal of the usual "I have never felt this way before" business, and "Shall I show you his picture?", followed by soppy shot of two smiling middle-aged people on her iPhone. Her daughters are in school, and are adamant that they will not move to the other side of the world, leaving behind their father, their grandparents, their friends etc. The elder daughter is particularly devastated and not speaking to her mother, and has moved in with her father. The younger daughter said to me, "I just can't believe it. It's like we don't matter at all."

My cousin says that if her daughters refuse to go, she will leave them, and move to NZ to be with Bill. Bear in mind that she had 3 dates with him 8 years ago, and since then has known him for a month. They would move in with their father, whose home life they find rather threatening and unstable, and who would suddenly have five children living in a small house.

I understand that one can be swept off one's feet; it has happened to me. I understand the power and overwhelming sensation of sexual attraction. I understand that there are reasons we all still read Madame Bovary and Jane Eyre. But this isn't a novel; this isn't even Hollyoaks. This is the possibility that two youngsters will lose their mother, for a childish infatuation that may fade within eighteen months. I am 32 years old and sometimes I need my Mum, and she lives 50 miles away, and it seems to far.

Furthermore, it struck me this morning that this cannot be a good man. Who would ask a mother to leave her children several thousand miles behind? He should practically forbid it, if he has any compassion or wisdom.

She has asked my opinion. I want to say, "Are you totally off your rocker? You're really going to leave your children on the other side of the world for an infatuation with a man whom you hardly know? Have you any idea how selfish you sound?!"

AIBU?

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alicet · 31/08/2010 13:03

YANBU at all. But don't expect it to go down well.