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AIBU?

to request my daughters dad visits her during term-time instead of her travelling 500miles every other week

130 replies

LexyLea · 29/08/2010 22:30

I am currently in dispute with my ex-husband who insists that our daughter travels to his home every other week. I believe this is unreasonable towards our daughter for 3 main reasons 1) the distance, my ex-husband lives 250 miles away and I believe driving there & back every other week would be unfair on our daughter, 2) her age, at 3 years old I believe the distance and the length of time in the car (not to mention dangerous moterways etc) would not be fair, and 3) the fact that she gets travel sick, to make her conduct this long journey would, has and continues to make her ill, usually at least once per journey.
It was my decision to relocate after our divorce in order that I return to univeristy to retrain so that I can properly support my daughter and I, and I can understand that my ex-husband feels angry about this, however I have invited him to visit our daughter as much as he wishes, and have asked that this be the arrangement during term-time so that her education does not suffor from tiredness / inconsistent parenting / instability etc, and I have even offered to give him a bed for the night as is it such a long journey. However, he refuses to make the journey and insists that I take her to his home, where I have been uninvited from entering and would have to drive straight back to my home, only to return a day later to pick her up (a round total of about 1000 in a 36 hour period). This is also a bone of contention for safety, time, cost isuues etc.
Please tell me if I am being unreasonable in requesting (in these circumstances) I request that my ex-husband visits our daughter during term-time.

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pjmama · 29/08/2010 22:37

Have I got this right? You have moved your daughter 250 miles away from her father and you're expecting him to come to visit her, but don't want to take her back to visit him? Doesn't sound particularly fair to me, or have I misunderstood? What will happen outside of term time, will she go to visit him then?

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Littlefish · 29/08/2010 22:38

I think you're being unreasonable in expecting him to come and stay with you overnight. However, he is being unreasonable to expect you to do all the driving In my opinion, the driving should be shared.

Your comment about her education not suffering is neither here nor there. She is 3 years old! Her education is not an issue in this.

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StewieGriffinsMom · 29/08/2010 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 29/08/2010 22:42

Well how did you think it would work?
Couldn't you have studied near where her dad lives?
I feel so sorry for your dd

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boiledegg1 · 29/08/2010 22:44

Not sure really, tricky one. Could you switch to a university closer to where your ex lives or do an OU degree? Could he change jobs to live closer to you? Realistically, whether he does the driving or you do, it's a lot of driving, time and expense.

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herbietea · 29/08/2010 22:44

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Message withdrawn

boiledegg1 · 29/08/2010 22:45

x posts compo

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LadyLapsang · 29/08/2010 22:45

In the circumstances I think you are going to have to compromise. If he had moved away I think it would be reasonable that he did the bulk of the travelling. However, you have taken his DD 250 miles away from her daddy and it's only right that you help her maintain contact with him. How would you feel if he had care and moved her so far away from you? Would you feel it would be reasonable to work all week, travel 250 miles and have to stay in an hotel or be given a bed at you ex's so you could maintain contact with your child?

I think you may both need to go to some mediation to work things out and really put your daughter first.

Where are you likely to live when you graduate and start work? Near your ex, where you live now or somewhere else?

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violethill · 29/08/2010 22:51

Your choice to move so far away.

Did you really not think this through when you decided to move?

Or did you just assume that he would do all the travelling to see his child? Hmm

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nelliesmum · 29/08/2010 22:53

Did you think he'd just give up on her if the distance was far enough?

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LexyLea · 29/08/2010 23:01

Thankyou all for your posts. To answer a few quieries:

  • no i'm not expecting him to do all the work in keeping contact with his daughter and of course holidays are a completely different issue.
  • I'm not expecting him to stay overnight, it was an offer made with genuine intention to help him out.
  • education is an issue as during a recent study it was suggested that pre-school / nursery education was the most important part of the whole education process (foundation that the rest is built on etc etc).
  • I coudnt have studied any closer, my subject is very specific and is only tought to the same quality at 2 universities in the county.

    I think (as LadyLapsang suggested) mediation is the way to go, as our daughter comes first and issues such as these should be able to be resolved in her interest and not the interests of myself or her father.
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nelliesmum · 29/08/2010 23:04

Surely if you'd been putting your daughter's interests first, then you'd have found a way of not moving 250 miles away from her father.

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LexyLea · 29/08/2010 23:06

I am putting my daughters interests first. As her father refuses to provide any maintenance for her, I have to support her, and in going to university I hope to be able to do that properly by next summer.

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historygirls · 29/08/2010 23:15

I think you have to suck it up and do the traveling until your course is finished and you can move back. Its a pita it was your choice to move. Your DH is already making an enormous compromise by only seeing his 3yo once every 2 weeks rather than every week which presumably he would if you hadn't taken her away. Maybe you should try to find somewhere to stay for one night a week when you are taking her to see her dad, which would be cheaper than 500 miles of petrol. The education is irrelevent. Foundation is important but it is not compromised by a long journey in the way a 14yo with several hours of homework to do would be. Not being able to go to her dad's home and have a normal homelife relationship with him would be more damaging than a tedious journey, as would refering to his parenting of his child as 'visiting'.

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CocoPopsAddict · 29/08/2010 23:18

Sort maintenance first.

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nelliesmum · 29/08/2010 23:21

How came he's not providing maintenance, you're a student. Is he unemployed? If so then presumably 500 miles worth of petrol have to be taken into consideration, maybe he can't afford to visit her. Mind you I see no reason why you should be paying in that case? What would happen if you refused to take her do you think?

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SolidGoldBrass · 29/08/2010 23:21

You say that he 'refuses' to pay any maintenance. Why is this? Is he controlling/abusive and trying to punish you for having left him?

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zipzap · 29/08/2010 23:27

Could you provide a compromise whereby you would drive up once a month (or every 4 weeks) and maybe stay up there, take your studying with you to blast through some, a pain I know bit probably easier and cheaper than lots of driving, especially in the winter.

And then he has to do the driving the other weekend in the month/4 weeks that he sees her. That way at least the cost gets split between the pair of you - I am guessing it is not insignificant for that distance on such a regular basis, especially if he is not paying maintenance.

If you had still been together, do you think you would have gone to uni to do this course?

Mediation does seem a good way to go. How does your daughter react when she is told she has to get in the car to go and see daddy? Does she dislike all car journeys or does she know that this is going to be a long one and does that make it worse? Or hasn't she said anything yet?

Other thing is that winter is coming up. If we are lucky it won't be too harsh but if it is anything like last winter, it is not going to be nice or safe doing long drives if there is lots of snow - need to start getting some plans in place just in case you can't get to your ex's place or if he has got your dd and then you can't get back, or if the weather forecast is really bad etc. Plus make sure you travel with good winter kit in the car to keep you safe!

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Spero · 29/08/2010 23:28

Yes, try to sort out maintenance. Otherwise this will fester. Sounds as if he is very angry for whatever reason - demanding that a small child be moved around for whoever's convenience suggests that the adults are not putting the child first.

I think other posters are being a bit harsh saying it was your choice to move so suck it up - I know nothing of reasons you decided to leave, how much you tried to sort things out before etc, etc, but I assume it is not a decision you made lightly.

If he is just taking out his anger on you, this isn't helping his daughter. Regardless of age, children find these kind of frequent long journeys difficult and I think that when parents are some distance away it makes less sense to insist on frequent contact; better it is a good chunk of time less frequently.

She is only 3, this will be an issue for at least the next ten years. So mediation would be good at some stage, but only if both of you are genuine in your wish to sort things out.

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lostFeelings · 29/08/2010 23:33

Let's put it into perspective.
When you are studying is in 3 terms each made of 2 half terms.
half term is 6 weeks long so say you are starting your course on 30 September 2010 until Friday 17 December 2010.

Assuming that there's a half term end of October.

Studen't don't spend all hours of the term at uni...

You can suggest driving her half wah on Friday afternnon on the following dates:
15-17/10

then half term

in Nov

12-14
26-28

Dec

11-12

then Christmas brak

when you put it liek that is not that horrible...

in fact only 4 or 5 long drives for weekend a term...

I think suggest flexibility
agree on a calendar and bless times she's going to be with him for you to have time to catch up with uni stuff and some sleep too :)

As a mother of 2 kids 10 and 12 I think the foundation for future of my kids was that me and my then DH agreed on what's best for them and followed that through
:)

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Lyn3 · 29/08/2010 23:38

If you had moved abroad, you would not be expected to fly back with DD every two weeks to take her to see him, the gaps would be longer and he would have her for a week or maybe two weeks in the holidays. I think 500 miles every two weeks is ludicrous. Either he should drive up one weekend and you drive to him the next one she is due to see him or he sees her for longer in term time. Also you need to sort the maintanance ASAP, irrespective of where you live/moved to he needs to finance 50% of his child IYSWIM (not sure that sounded right there), IMO YANBU, and mediation is the way to go... you do not want to be doing a lousy journey like that through the winter. Also you moved for education, so you can provide financially for your DD in the future and give her a stable, secure home, you didn't move 250 miles away because you met some bloke and decided to bugger off with him... so your Ex needs to start being a bit more supportive and think of his DD's welfare.. I wouldn't want my 3 year old to spend 10 hours stuck in a car every other weekend on busy motorways.. especially through the winter..

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elliephant · 29/08/2010 23:39

Sounds to me like your ex is punishing you for moving and not acting in you DD's best interest.

It is, of course,very important that your DD has a good relationship with her father.

However, the fact that your ex DH does not pay maintenance, offer travel expenses or makes any effort on his part to travel to see his DD, suggests to me that he is using your DD to get back at you. I even know of non resident parents who fly in every weekend to see their children, they don't expect their children to be bought to them.

I would be very unhappy with having my 3 yr old DD stuck in a car for regular 500 mile journeys, particualry as it's only for a one night visit. I cannot imagine a short overnight stay after a long and sickly journey leaves your DD in much form for 'quality time'.

Is there a possibilty of you securing employment after your college course in an area closer to where your ex lives? Perhaps if the holiday visits were only for a year you might be able to reach an amicable compromise?

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Lauriefairycake · 29/08/2010 23:43

I would normally say don't confuse maintenance with parental contact but in this case if he refuses to pay maintenance then you are the person responsible for paying for everything (and to do that you did need to move to do your course).

So fuck him - stop driving to his - if he wants to visit then he should bear the cost.

Seriously, if he's not going to pay maintenance or be a fucker and just try to get round it then you have to try and get yourself a career and finish this course.

Can't see him getting much in the way of contact if he refuses to pay maintenance.

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amberleaf · 29/08/2010 23:55

YABU.

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deakell · 29/08/2010 23:57

Petrol costs would be taken into account for a child maintenance calculation most certainly.

Why does he think it's a good idea to put your daughter through this, given that you both (presumably) have her best interests at heart?

The trips need to be less often than bi-weekly (maybe once a month but for a few extra days) and when you finish qualifying for whatever it is you are training to do you can reconcile your living arrangments for her best interests.

IMO YANBU but perhaps you were slighly when you moved this far away and the two aren't unrelated.

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