non-baby friendly in-laws..HELP!!

[downpipe]

Due to visit my in-laws with my 11 month old crawling baby who pulls himself up and wants to pick up and eat everything within reach.MIL has lots of china arranged at baby-level on a low shelf.Last time we went she got upset because he crawled over to the shelf, picked up and dropped one of her precious ornaments before I could get there to stop it..DH and FIL just sat watching TV and didn't help.Everyone else whose house we go to doesn't mind moving the breakables out of the way but she refuses to do this and instead thinks I should control my baby and keep him away from her ornaments.It would be very easy just to clear this one shelf and put it all back once we leave.It's made me reluctant to go and stay there again as I find this all quite stressful.Our own house has a babysafe play area but hers has none.She expects him to sit quietly and play with a cuddly toy but he is a boy!!They haven't helped by getting anything like a highchair for when we visit and aren't prepared to make small safety changes.DH has said he will talk to her but it's caused arguments between us.Anyone else had this problem? What can I /should I do?Help!!!

[Morloth]

If you don't feel you can stay on top of him enough then don't take him there.

It is her house to arrange as she likes but the downside to that may be not having her GC visit.

You can't force her to change so you just have to do what you have to do.

[SloanyPony]

Its got nowt to do with him being a boy, my daughter is at that stage and will not sit and play with a cuddly toy either.

If this was my MIL I either wouldn't visit, or insist that because its DH's mum, that he is "on duty". If it were my own mum, I could talk to her frankly, but because its a MIL, it is DH's job to talk to her frankly and hopefully change her round to his way of thinking. If he can't or wont do this, he can at least be the one responsible while we go and visit.

Has he even tried or is it her being stubborn with you?

[milliemoosmum]

I have the same problem. In-laws live in a massive house which is not at all toddler friendly. Going to visit them is exhausting and v.stressful as I constantly have to follow my DD around taking hazardous things off her. They also kick up a fuss about doing reasonable things like closing the door to the kitchen etc - I've no idea why! The only concession they have made is putting a gate on the stairs (which is frequently left open) also DD is nearly 3 and capable of navigating stairs now. Every visit ends in tears as DD can't understand why I keep having to take things off her as hazardous things are out of the way at home. As a result we very rarely visit them anymore and when we do we keep it brief as a full day is infuriating and staying overnight is out of the question.
They visit us a lot at our house though. They both drive and it is a lot easier for them to come to us so it saves a lot of hassle all round.

[ttalloo]

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your MIL to move her breakables for the duration of your visit. Of course you should make every effort to teach your DS not to touch other people's things, but he's 11 months old FFS! His primary imperative in life at the moment is exploring EVERYTHING in sight - he's not being naughty, just curious. So it only makes sense to move things that might be dangerous for him, or are precious to you, out of his way.

Your MIL is being unreasonable. As is your DH - if he thinks that the knick-knacks should stay put and your DS just needs to be controlled better, then he should get up off the sofa and chase him round the room.

[Weta]

I've had slightly similar although to a lesser extent (and my MIL did buy a highchair!). MIL used to complain that BIL and his wife moved her stuff when the children were small, so we didn't feel we could move anything (DS1 was 18 months when we moved from NZ so hadn't visited before that).

I tried to get myself as far away from DS1 as possible (if that's difficult you could always lie down with a headache for an hour), so that it couldn't be seen as my responsibility, and then when he started approaching the ornaments she and DH would be trying to move him, and after a while she realised that it was just impossible and her things were going to get broken. So in the end it was her decision to move them.

I would also say to your DH that you understand why she doesn't want to move her stuff (I think it must feel a bit invasive), but that you find it really stressful having to mind DS in that situation, and that since it's his parents it would help if he could take more responsibility for monitoring your son.

Safety stuff is another tricky issue. Fortunately I do have a good relationship with my MIL and I explained that I was really freaked out by the possibility of DS1 getting into cleaning products and medicines, and she did agree to put some of the products up higher though I never had much luck with the kitchen (I bought a lock but she didn't really use it, and her and DH's view was that there were always people around, which was probably true, so I let it go but always asked someone to be personally responsible for DS1 if I left the area).

You could always ask if she would mind if you bought a (cheap) highchair and stored it there, as it would make things so much easier when you stay (and say that you really enjoy staying there but find it stressful without the baby equipment). Or get your DH to ask if you think that would work better.

Good luck!

[MmeRedWhiteandBlueberry]

She might well believe that babies should be trained not to touch things. It is a generational thing.

TBH, if it were me, I would just move her knick-knacks myself, and make sure I put them back exactly as they were before.

[MrsC2010]

Can you not just move the breakables yourself when you arrive and put back when you leave?

[reallytired]

I had a similar problem with my parents. I got round it by telling them we were not going to visit them until my son was older or they moved their stuff. My parents quickly backed down and made their house slightly more toddler friendly as they knew otherwise they would miss out on seeing their granson.

Girls are a menace as well. My daughter is going through the lunatic stage at 15 months

[InWithTheITCrowd]

it's so tricky when it's an in-law isn't it? I agree that your DH should be the one to have a chat to her, and you really shouldn't feel bad about your lovely DS being so inquisitive. Even in my very baby-friendly house, with my 11 month old DS, I am constantly up and down and checking things, as I'm sure that you are. It's so silly of her not to even temporarily baby-proof a bit of the space you'll be in, and she has no right to get narky with you. It's funny how people forget these early stages isn't it? Of course your DS is going to be into everything. I know you've probably already said this/tried, but is there a way you can just say "he won't sit still and play, I'm afraid, everything's just so interesting to him, and you've got lots of lovely things which he's attracted to - do you mind if we just move these few things, just while he's in here? I'd hate for anything to get broken or damaged" and see how that works? Obviously the problem is with DS getting broken or damaged on her stupid ornaments, but she doesn't need to know that! otherwise you are either going to have to curtail your visits, or be on constant baby patrol, and that's just no fun!! Good luck :)

[Mowiol]

I would say pretty much the same as everyone else who has responded - but from the perspective of a Gran who has a very inquisitive (1 year old) grandson. You DO forget how nosey they are and how exciting the world is! Hopefully your MIL will see sense herself and move her stuff on her own. I'd be more worried about child hurting themselves personally than any nick-nack. Same goes for cleaning products etc. I have moved breakables etc. for grandsons visits and we filled in our pond etc. If they have transport and can get to you, maybe you could suggest they visit you instead?

[Mowiol]

Oops - awful lot of "etc's" in there - sorry!!

[Alicetheinvisible]

Could you take a travel cot with you as a playpen? I know it is not ideal but found it worked quite well at home while we were having work done (DD was nearly a year) It was a safe place full of their own things.

My mum also put one up for when we visited because DD wasn't walking at that point and my mum's house is not particularly clean and her dog would knock DD over (i didn't ask her too, she thought of it which was a relief!)

[chipmonkey]

Re the highchair. We have one of these which we bring to my Mum's house as she has no highchair. It folds up fairly small and can attach to any normal kitchen chair.

Re the ornaments. Really your dh should talk to his Mum and he also needs to do his fair share of watching the baby. He is his ds too!

[pearlsandtwinset]

Same with my parents...although DD is now 3 and simply not interested in the boring old furniture and ornaments (
It does get easier, although I have had to drill the don't touch etc. to ensure it works when we go there. My mum just doesn't see why she should rearrange everything.

My strategy was to take a travel cot for a playpen for when I didn't want to run around after her, I would make OH take some responsibility, taking it in turns and take lots of her favourite toys so that there were better more interesting things to play with.

It's tough, feel for you, but don't let it get between you and DH (just make him work hard). Maybe just remind him how terrible you felt about the ornament last time so you'll need to take it in turns to 'supervise' - that just might motivate him to get things moved :o

[TonariNoTotoro]

My parents have stuff all over the place too, when DS was tiny I'd just follow him about, picking up everything he could get his hands on and moving it to a higher shelf!

[MmeRedWhiteandBlueberry]

If you think it is bad with ornaments, wait until they want to take your little ones in the car - with no regard for car seats!

When I look at my parents, I seriously wonder how 4 of us managed to make it to adulthood fairly unscathed!

[MathsMadMummy]

just don't go. you shouldn't have to keep your boy in playpen FFS!

and it's nowt to do with being a boy either - babies must be free to explore.

or you can go one more time and let him break something...

[fedupofnamechanging]

Agree that your DH should be more responsible for the baby when you visit his mums house, not sit watching the telly while you chase after the baby. Personally,I would refuse to visit if she won't even make the small gesture of lifting ornaments to a higher shelf. Yes, she can choose not to, but equally you can choose not to go there. I would point all this out to your DH. He has no business getting arsey, given that he hasn't helped during the previous visit.

[milliemoosmum]

Ideally kids should not touch things but when there's a house full of interesting looking things you just end up on at them for the whole day. I hate following DD round watching her like a hawk while everyone else drinks tea and chats. I usually take DD to child friendly places like toddler groups/friends houses who have kids. And when I go round the shops I get her to stand on her buggyboard to avoid her messing with the shelves. So it's only ever an issue at the in laws (my mum and sister have smaller houses and shut doors and move stuff when we visit). If the IL's house is unsuitable and they can't/won't change that they will just have to visit you until the kids are older. Either that or you will just have to go their an accept that you or OH will have to be on duty protecting DS/their belongings all day.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

Just dont go.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

I had one of these for feeding, they are great, especially if space is an issue in your car.

Just accompany your DC and pick up breakables and remove them to a safe height.

Shame, cos it's going to be tiring for you, and it will mar the trip, and cut it short.

But that's their choice, they could choose to welcome their GC to the house.... they don't, but I'll bet they'll eventually pipe up with the 'oh but we hardly see you'...

[Triggles]

We've always felt that people shouldn't have to make anything other than basic allowances for small children when we go to visit. So when we go to visit MIL, there are breakables around, and a stairway to avoid. And we simply keep a close eye on the boys to make sure they don't get into mischief. I wouldn't expect MIL to purchase a high chair - if we are going over to visit, we pop the bumbo seat in the car, and bring that in for DS3 (just turned 1) to sit in if we are going to feed him or he can play sitting in it. There is also a plastic bin with a bunch of age appropriate toys and books at MIL's that we brought over ages ago (for our now 4yo DS). He knows where the toy bin is, and he brings it out to play with the toys when we go over there. The only time we have asked for something to be moved was when DS2 was overly fascinated with a framed picture of my late FIL that was sitting within his reach. I simply asked MIL if I could place it on a higher shelf just for the duration of our visit as DS2 had picked it up twice, and I knew that MIL would be greatly distressed if the picture had been damaged.

IMO, you will not always be able to change the places you take your child, and they need to learn not to touch things, even from a young age. And DH & I either take turns monitoring the children, or we each sit on opposite sides of the room so that whoever is closest to the child in mischief steps in and deals with it.

[milliemoosmum]

Triggles - that's all well and good but if your IL's were like mine you end up following the kids round a massive house all day. Surely it's not too much to ask for IL's to move things that are dangerous or can be broken so that their grandchildren can visit? I can't relax at all because if I'm not alert the whole time DD could be injured/have broken something before I get a chance to intervene.

[Tanith]

It is a generation thing. My inlaws are a bit like this, although she probably stresses more than me about what DD can and can't get hold of. She also stresses in our house, and we've child-proofed everywhere.

A chat with her was very revealing, although I was careful to keep it general.

In her day, baby went in the playpen all day, where he or she was safe and the mother could get on with her housework. DH, apparently, even used to curl up and go to sleep when he felt like a nap.
They didn't have car seats, so this is the first they've ever had to worry about putting one in. This "modern" notion of allowing baby to roam where he or she likes is completely alien and, because they have little idea of child-proofing rooms ("ridiculous idea!") they find it just as stressful as we do, imagining that the uncaged baby is unsafe.
I can still remember my own mother fencing off a corner of the room and putting my sister in there all day.

That's why your MIL won't move her ornaments. She's never had to, can't see why she should, and probably thinks that you're neglectful not putting him in a playpen.

[Triggles]

How old are your children? Ours are just turned 4 and just turned 1. MIL doesn't have a massive house, but plenty of room to run around in. We've set limits with the children right from the beginning that they are to stay within sight of us and there are certain things and areas that are off limits. It sometimes takes some reinforcing, but if there are difficulties with that, then perhaps you can bring along a portable gate to keep them in the same room as you. Obviously a very small child you will need to keep a close eye on them, but by age 3 or 4, they should know the rules well enough to stick by them for the most part.

Sorry, but I wouldn't expect MIL to move things to accomodate our children in that regard. We visit her at least once a week, and I expect the children to understand what "no" means. Our 1 year old is still learning it, so we have to monitor him much closer. For awhile, that means our visits will be a bit "up and down" as we have to stop and tell him "no" frequently, and then remove him from the immediate area of whatever it was he was after. But in the long term, it means more relaxing visits once he "gets it" and understands what he can and cannot touch.