In-Law stuff. PIL, SIL and BIL!

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Not sure if I have a right to be a bit miffed with this or not?
sorry it's long!
We have one DS who will be 1 next month. PIL, despite living at the top of our road, have never babysat, or had him over. We take him to see them fairly regularly, and often ask them if they want to meet us for pub lunch, on the park etc (which they usually don?t, but they are busy and active people)

My mum and dad do offer to help out, and have babysat for us on a few occasions (not like we go out much, but it?s nice to have a break now and then) and I could use some help once a week, as I?ve been asked to run a session for a local group of carers on a weekly basis. however, my mum and dad both work, so can?t really commit to regular childcare. DH and I took DS round to PIL yesterday to see if they would consider helping out now and again. Our niece was there (DH?s brother?s DS) she is 2.9. She had been there since F|riday afternoon. We asked PIL if they would consider maybe looking after DS, and they said no. Nicely. But the reason is because they have our niece EVERY weekend from Friday evening to Sunday evening and they also have her every Tuesday and Wednesday all day and overnight, and can?t really take DS on aswell.
Fair enough.
So I phoned my SIL to ask if there was something that we could maybe sort out with sharing childcare, and I even offered to have our niece at weekends to give PIL a break, so maybe they would feel as though they could have DS every now and then - and my SIL, through conversation, told me that PIL have our niece on Tues and Weds because SIL works nights and DH?s brother doesn?t want to do morning routine on his own before work - BUT that PIL have her every single weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening, to give BIL and SIL a break! ie - they don?t have specific plans or work commitments - they just have a routine where PIL take her and they have (in SIL?s words) ?the weekend off?
She then said to me ?It works really well for us, and we don?t have to worry about things. Sorry if it messes with your plans, but we got in first!?

Now - I know that whatever arrangement they have is up to them and nothing to do with me - and if it works for them, then that?s fine. But I?m only asking for help for up to 4 hours once a fortnight (my mum one week, and PIL the next week), and they?ve said no because they?re run ragged looking after DN!
I have since sorted out childcare and it?s no problem - but I can?t shake this feeling at being a bit miffed with all of them! I am trying to let it go and just get on with things, but it?s left a sour taste in my mouth

I don?t know what I?m asking here really - AIBU probab;y the wrong place to post, but I just wondered if other people think that it?s ok for me to be a bit pissed off. I don?t plan on doing anything about it, but I just want to feel justified in being annoyed!

[InWithTheITCrowd]

I know - it?s completely up to them, and I don?t rely on anyone for childcare. he?s our son and our responsibility, and it IS all sorted. But thank you for telling me I?m NBU just to be silently annoyed!

[bellavita]

I agree that it is completely up to them what they do with their time, but if it were my parents, they would make sure that all grandchildren had equal time with them and treat each one the same.

I can see why you are annoyed.

[maduggar]

I would be majorly pissed off! I hate favouritism in families. Fair enough if it was their only childcare option to be able to hold down a job, but just to have every weekend off? Who needs every single weekend off from being parents?

[InWithTheITCrowd]

well, maduggar, that?s a completely new thread ain?t it? But I?m trying v hard not to be judgy about it!
There is one more thing, that I?ve JUST found out. MIL has just phoned me to say they can?t come to my DS?s birthday BBQ next month, as it?s the same weekend as the V festival and BIL and SIL are going there, and MIL is looking after DN and is taking her away for the weekend to the seaside. As DN was invited to the BBQ too, I asked why they couldn?t bring her in BIL and SIL absence, and she said they?ve had it arranged ages, just didn?t realise the date clashed until we dropped off the invite yesterday!
I know it?s only a 1st birthday party, but it?s the principle isn?t it?
I think you?re all right - sod ?em and get on with it. Their loss

[InWithTheITCrowd]

and - needafootmassage - after yesterday watching them run round after DN half the afternoon, you?re spot on. We do feel really sorry for them. I wouldn?t do it! I can?t understand why they do. The house is kitted out like a creche - they?ve got more toys than we have!

[Decorhate]

I think I would find it very hard not to be judgy about parents who offloaded their child every weekend! Are there extenuating circumstances?

[InWithTheITCrowd]

no extenuating circumstances - they just use the time to do ?couple? things or stuff round the house. Apparently they?ve done it every weekend since DN was born!
I knew PIL had her a lot, but until yesterday didn?t realise it was such a regular arrangement. She sleeps over at PIL 4 nights a week! And my SIL actually said to me yesterday how ?lucky? I am that DS sleeps through the night in his own room, as DN won?t sleep in her own room at home, and often wakes up. I did gently suggest that might be due to the fact that she sleeps at her grandparents house more often than she sleeps at home, but SIL thinks it?s just that she prefers to be in with them. sorry - that?s not what this thread is about, really. Maybe I?m harbouring deeper resentment than I realised!

[Gaslit]

Yes it's the principal. They are showing BLATANT favouritism and are quite frankly behaving like selfish arseholes.

I would be livid. That would be the end of any visits or phone calls from me. And I would suggest that your DH has some strong words with them about the huge level of disrespect they are showing your little family unit in comparison to his sister's. It's not like you're asking them for much and why should YOU guys be doing all the running with trying to get these people involved in your DS's life. It's tragic that they don't seem to want to but that's the way it is. Sack 'em. Your SIL sounds like a spoilt little bitch and your PIL are mugs.

Seriously - try not phoning or visiting them for a while and see how long it takes for them to get back to you. I bet it's ages. And if they ask why, let rip. Stuff like this makes me so angry - I grew up with pricks like this. DOn't stand for it OP, or your little boy will get a complex.....xxx

[InWithTheITCrowd]

tbh gaslit, I wondered if it was normal that we do all the running. They never come round here at all, but as DS is our only one, we didn?t really know what ?normal? was in that respect. Although my mum and dad come round, and they live further away.
DH is really upset about it, and I think if he spoke to them about it he might say things he could regret - although, maybe that time has come?

[GeekOfTheWeek]

YANBU

Blatant favouritism and unfair imo.

Fuck the lot of them. Fuckers.

[2rebecca]

You can't make them babysit, but your husband could tell them that he sees the different way he and his sister and their kids are treated by his parents as favouritism and it upsets him.
Yes, this may upset them, but it is favouritism and it's better he tries to make them see this than harbours resentment and doesn't discuss it with them.
If they then choose to carry on only babysitting for their daughter's kids you and your husband should maybe withdraw from them a bit and leave them to it and get paid childminders.
They may be stuck in a rut with their daughter's kids and not seeing that now they have more grandchildren spending all their time with 1 lot isn't fair and they need to renegotiate.

[maduggar]

I think you need to stand up to this before your DS is old enough to notice ot for himself.

[Mowgli1970]

YANBU, that is hugely unfair! OP, I would be very hurt if I was you. I wouldn't do all the running, perhaps a phone call saying "If you'd like to come and see DS, you're welcome anytime. He'd love to see you." and leave it at that. Beware of having any angry confrontation - it could spell the end of your relationship with all DH's family.

[piratecat]

was going to echo everyone about how it seems totally biased, THEN i read the bit about your ds' FIRST birthday.

Funny how they have only just todl you now, sorry but i think sil has been on the phone to parents to slag you off, and now mil is suddenly taking dn to the seaside on that weekend.

fucking cow. poor you.

[Gaslit]

It's dreadful TBH. They have all missed out on the first year of their grandson/nephew's life and the icing on the cake (how ironic) is that they will now be skipping his 1st birthday party.

I know he's only one and won't remember. But you'll remember. In fact you'll never forget. Neither will your DH. My son's dad once fucked off to Portugal for a week. Why on earth he chose the week of our son's 2nd birthday, I'll never understand. Or forgive. Or forget.

The fact that they can willingly show such lacklust - such DISRESPECT - would be the end of the road in my book. As I said, I grew up with this sort of shit and the damage it's done is, well it's ongoing - lets put it that way. Bless your heart. What does your DH think of the whole thing?! It must be heart wrenching for you both...

[bleedingheart]

Wow! Of course it is their choice but I can't imagine why grandparents would want to show such blatent favouritism and why your SIL & BIL need or want every weekend away from their child?! Why did they have a child they don't want to look after or spend their weekend with?! That is so strange. Your DH must feel so hurt by this.

[FakePlasticTrees]

If your DH won't say something, you need to. Tell them that your DH sees it as favourtism and although they aren't your parents, so it's not as hurtful to you, they are distroying their relationship with their DS.

Perhaps ask if they think there's something going on you don't know about, as you can't work out why they feel the need to have DN with them more than she's with her own mother.

Short of them admitting they think SIL is an unfit mother, you need to either get them to see they are being unfair on your DS and put a bit more effort in, or keep your DS away from your DH's family so he doesn't grow up realising the different way he's treated.

[trainsetter]

YANBU and I would be pissed off at the blatant favouritism.

[slhilly]

InWithTheITCrowd, I'm really struck by one thing you said: "DH is really upset about it, and I think if he spoke to them about it he might say things he could regret - although, maybe that time has come?"

Tell your DH that he shouldn't worry about saying something that he regrets until his family start worry about the fact that they're doing things that upset him. Perhaps he says something harsh -- it still won't be as harsh as the fact that his sister has hogged the grandparents for the last year, nor the fact that the grandparents are planning on not going to their grandson's birthday. Frankly, I'd find the latter unforgiveable, unless they're incredibly short of cash and will lose money by cancelling.

[FakePlasticTrees]

oh wait, I posted that and just dragged something out of the back of my memory! When my DB and I were v little, we saw Dad's parents often, but didn't really stay over, although my cousins (who are about 10 years older) went every Friday night after school until just before dinner on Saturday. My Aunt and Uncle got divorced when I was about 5/6 and the arrangement stopped, and GPs didn't have either set over regularly (although we saw GPs most weekends)

Anyway, I remember once my Dad telling my Mum that his parents had his DB's DCs to try to give them couple time as GP's knew Uncle & Aunt's marriage was on the rocks, (and realised paternal grandparents often loose touch/don't get to see their DGC that much after a divoice, esp when their DS is abit useless as my Uncle is,) but thought my parents were fine and didn't need such a helping hand.

Could it be something like this?

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

PLease correct me if I am wrong, you BIL and SIL see their child Sunday, Monday and Thursday nights? What is the point of having a child?

[InWithTheITCrowd]

thank you everyone - I?m touched by your support, and feel better about the way I?m feeling - I was feeling as though I was expecting too much, and some of your posts have really opened my eyes. I think I may have been a little unclear - it is DH?s brother and his wife (so I call her my SIL) - not that this makes any real difference.
Thing is - they?re all so nice to us when we?re around - but it feels as though they do lots of things as a family which we seem to be excluded from. slhilly - they won?t lost a deposit - they?re only going for the weekend and staying in family?s caravan with MIL?s sister and HER grandkids (DH?s cousin?s DCs). Which means that they won?t be coming to DS?s first birthday party either!
You know what - I AM going to say something about all this. I?m not going to let my DS grow up thinking as though he isn?t good enough! shitbags the lot of them