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AIBU?

to think that if I come into some money of my own then I can bloody well do with it as I please??

35 replies

Jacksmama · 15/07/2010 18:24

Oh, I'm fuming. Please tell me why people feel the need to stick their oar in where it's none of their business!!

I've just come into a little bit of money through the sale of something. This is such lovely news, as it's been in the works for ever.

I bumped into two friends while out yesterday and they asked me about the idiotic grin on my face and so I stupidly blurted it out. They were delighted for me and asked me what I was going to with it to treat myself.

I said that the first thing I was going to do was to send my lovely mum a huge bunch of flowers and treat her to a spa day as she was the one who got the sale to go through, and then pay off my credit card and DH's because we both hate having debt and through various circumstances since DS was born we had to use them to pay for some things. Then I was going to think about doing something silly and wonderful for me.

Their faces just fell.

And then I basically found myself being berated and shouted at for wanting to do this. and
They said that if I wanted to pay off my credit card then I should but why should I pay DH's? Errrm because he's my husband and we share bills? They said that this money is mine and not a joint asset (as the sale had been in the works yonks before I met DH) and I should keep as much of it as I could and have a "nest egg in case something happens".

I absolutely agree that everyone needs to have some money of their own, and I have my own Savings account. As does DH. We decided it was better in the short term to have an emergency slush fund as we are both self-employed, and beaver away at the credit cards, than completely pay off the cards but have no savings. For us, in this uncertain economy, it was a peace-of-mind choice.

Anyway, back to the point - they told me I was mad for wanting to "piss away all the money right away just to be debt-free" and that my generous nature was fine but I needed to be more selfish in this case (WTF?) and that I needn't send my mum to the spa as she can well afford to take herself (and she can but that is not the point, I'm sending her for some lovely treatments she wouldn't treat herself to), and that I had DS and his education to think of, but most of all they kept going on about making DH pay off his own credit card and keeping the money for myself.

I will admit that I (actually, DH and I both) have a thing about being debt-free. We'll still have our mortgage and car payments, however the interest on those is manageable (and I couldn't pay them off anyway), BUT I'd like to be rid of high-interest debt. And I will put some money aside for DS's schooling (however the grandparents have already indicated that they would like to take care of this).

Am I being unreasonable? Are they right, should I just be tucking most of this away for myself (except for fleurs and spa day for my mum, I'm not budging on that). It doesn't make sense to me but am I missing something?

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Jacksmama · 15/07/2010 18:25

Shit, I didn't realize this was so long until I hit post!!
Thanks to anyone who got this far...

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ivykaty44 · 15/07/2010 18:27

when asked what you are oginmg to do with the money just say you havn't decided yet and aks their suggestions - then agree with them all and do what you want with your own money

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Alouiseg · 15/07/2010 18:29

You're doing exactly the right thing. What point is there in spending something when you still have debt looming.

I don't do debt either, it sucks the lifeblood out of everything.

Anyway you're married and you share everything, I think that your friends are being silly twits.

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duplotogo · 15/07/2010 18:30

I would do the same as you as I love and trust my DH and when we got married (earlier, really) I gave him all I had in ever sense (not a lot financially). But it's none of my business, you should do as you like!

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LadyintheRadiator · 15/07/2010 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinnieMummy · 15/07/2010 18:32

Of course YANBU - I too hate owing money and would definitely do the same. It sounds like you have enough to be able to do all the things you want which is great. And it's none of their damn business!!

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pranma · 15/07/2010 18:32

Your money your choice and I bet they are jealous because they dont have such good relationships with their dps.I bet your dh didnt run up credit card bills on just stuff for himself.You cant beat being debt free.

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nagoo · 15/07/2010 18:32

Agree with Alouise. I wouldn't have said twit though

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DanJARMouse · 15/07/2010 18:33

I think you are being very sensible!

I know full well that if I came into money that was "mine" it would be used to pay off DH and my credit cards (not huge balances but enough) and the rest would be discussed between us and make a decision together.

Its a marriage. To me that means we share equally. There is no "your money" "my money" mentality in my marriage, it is all "our" regardless of where it comes from.

Ignore your idiotic friends, and continue as you were going to. I also think the flowers and spa day for your mum is a gorgeous thing to do!

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MaamRuby · 15/07/2010 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WouldYouLikeSomeTea · 15/07/2010 18:36

You are definitely NBU. You sound kind and sensible.

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ChippingIn · 15/07/2010 18:36

Well... what you plan/had planned to do with the money sounds/sounded perfect to me.

I would only feel the same way your friends do if I thought my friends DH was a waste of space who was taking advantage of my friend and I thought she should 'look after herself' - but if they have no reason to think your DH is an arse, then I can't see why they feel this way? However, maybe they both have different arrangements with their partners and totally have their own money and are quite selfish with it??

If you can honestly say that your DH would have no problem supporting you if you lost your job - then I would do as you have said. If your DH would be an arse if you lost your job (or is about money in anyway now) then I wouldn't...

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glastocat · 15/07/2010 18:38

They sound completely mad to me. I've have inherited some money from my dad( still going through probate), and the very first thing I'm going to do is pay off ALL our debts. Then I'm going to take my mum to Rome for a weekend, and the rest is going in the savings for a house deposit. We had a huge blow out holiday last year, so this year we will go camping and have a few nights in a hotel in Cork or Kerry. Next year we will see how we stand financially, and see about another foreign family holiday then.In these uncertain times getting rid of debt is a fabulous thing to do, and its lovely to be able to treat your mum, I know mine deserves it - she has only been abroad a handful of times, never in the last 20 years! It sounds to me like they are just jealous.

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TrappedinSuburbia · 15/07/2010 18:42

YANBU, I would also pay off any debts that 'we' had and im 100% sure dp would do the same.

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LittleMissHissyFit · 15/07/2010 18:43

Debt free is fantastic..

Set your credit cards to automatic full payment by DD, it'll stop you whacking stuff back on it.

Good for you, and how lovely of you to remember your Mum.

You sound a wonderful and very sensible person!

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thighsmadeofcheddar · 15/07/2010 18:45

That sounds a fantastic plan for your money. My DH is lucky enough to get a bonus each year (performance based) and the first thing we always do is knock off any credit cards. Then we save some/have some treats. Your friends are being weird.

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rewardgirl · 15/07/2010 18:47

I agree completely - that's exactly what I would do!
Ignore them - height of bad manners to not let you choose what you're doing. Personally, if a friend of mine had come into some money and was planning on "pissing it away" rather than paying off debts, I'd probably give her some unsolicited advice about paying at least some of the debt off first.

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Jacksmama · 15/07/2010 18:53

DH would do exactly the same for me, and in fact, has done. For quite a while when we first met, I was making a tenth of what he was. So he paid almost all the bills. We adjusted things as my income grew, but his first priority was that I should pay off my credit card when I made more money, rather than chuck in more for bills. Just before I had DS, I'd paid off everything and we were splitting the bills exactly. Then, when I was home with DS for three months and not earning anything, he took over the bills again. When I went back to work we gradually worked towards halvsies again, and when the economy tanked, it affected him worse than me so I started paying more.

He is the best, most trustworthy man in the world, and I would honestly fall over dead from shock if he ever did an unethical thing.

I think these two people are of the "glass half empty" variety. We were talking about relationships once and I said that I thought DH and I had an exceptionally good relationship and that I didn't think we have any big issues (meaning of course we have the normal spats everyone does sometimes, but no huge elephants in the living room). Her reply was "then you're missing something". WTF??? I still don't get that one. Went home that night and asked DH what he thought. He said she was a loon.

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abshirley · 15/07/2010 19:21

It's entirely up to you to use your own money as you wish. I find it bizarre that your friends think they can tell you what to do with it, let alone shout at you about it! And it's a lovely thought to treat your Mum, I'm sure she will be thrilled.

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Jacksmama · 15/07/2010 19:22

I'm not telling anyone else, that's certain!!

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ShellingPeas · 15/07/2010 19:25

Your friends are very negative. Debts are a huge millstone round your neck and the sooner rid, the better. But I would also treat myself to something nice too as windfalls are few and far between in my world.

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Prinnie · 15/07/2010 19:41

YANBU, it's none of their business, they sound as though they might be jealous of what sounds a stable and happy relationship with your DH.

Enjoy being debt free

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Kathyjelly · 15/07/2010 19:41

On a purely financial basis, credit card debt costs 20-30% or more a year where as saving will make about 1.8% after tax per year. So paying off creditcard debt is the most effective thing you can do.

And if you and DH split (as your friends seem to be implying) your credit card debts are shared anyway, so if you want to clear them, then you are doing the best thing in boring financial terms.

Good for you.

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MustHaveaVeryShortMemory · 15/07/2010 19:45

Do what you want with your money. I like to think I would be so kind to my mum and fair to DH in your situation. They are mean bitches.

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AgentZigzag · 15/07/2010 19:51

You can't buy the feeling of relief at not owing anybody anything...well you can, but...you know what I mean

Congrats on the sale and any time you're feeling down you'll be able to draw on the difference you feel at having paid them off

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