me. Or him?

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

Been on ML for 8 months, 6wks leave before that, and before that off work lots with HG, so not really there, gelling with the team. I have had massive issues with my employer over the years, trust issues around very poor treatment, resulting in grievance, team changes, etc etc, along with some personal issues to boot (bereavement). So, being at work has for a long time been a hard thing for me, and last ML returning to work was especially hard

This time, I made a decision to be positive, change my attitude to work, and enjoy it. I am returning on hours that fit better with my personal commitments, and have a new manager who appears to be responsive to my needs/wishes and wants to make my return to work as smooth as possible.

So, we have agreed that it would be good to use some of my keeping in touch days to ease me back in slowly (my suggestion), so one morning this week, one, maybe two next week, then two the following two weeks then return at the end of my ML the following week officially, which will only actually be 3 days. The following week will be 5 days as normal (mornings). My manager has said that these Keeping in Touch days are to be completely flexible around me, the hours, and the days to suit and change as needed, so we can deal with teething issues, get my head used to being back in work mode, so when I start officially, we are hopefully on an even keel.

Anyway, I am going on, sorry. DH has been unemployed for a while, and has over the last two weeks had a little work. Not much, but helping out a friend (self employed, both of them), it has been physical work and I know DH has been out of work for a while, so in the mornings I have got up with the kids immediately, sorted their breakfast, made a drink and brekky for DH, so he can just get ready, be calm in his head, and leave knowing it is happy and calm this end. I did this for him yesterday.

Today is my first Keeping in Touch day. Last night, I got todays breakfast/lunch/tea sorted for the children, and a bottle for DS. This morning, he stayed in bed 'dozing' while I fed DS, then DD got up, we snuggled for a bit then at 7:15 I got up, gave the kids their breakfast, made myself and DH a cuppa, had brekky myself, went to go in the shower, DH nipped in, got himself brekky, got milk from shops, then looked after the children while I got ready.

I wanted to walk into work. Takes about 20 mins, and although the weather is a bit shitty, I wanted the time to clear my head, prepare myself for work. I was looking forward to it, for the first time, in probably years. But apprehensive due to the amount of time I have had off, and also apprehensive about leaving my baby boy, although overall not too bad about that. Was looking forward to the walk and listening to Mumford & Sons. It is my favourite album and I listen to a lot in the car, love driving on my own so I can have it loud, happens rarely so was really looking forward to this before work, relaxing, calming, and positive.

It is not on my Ipod, it turns out DH put it on his, not mine, a while ago when I asked. I asked DH if I could use his Ipod, he sees me looking through mine sighing and says 'oh god why do you want mine? Not to listen to Mumford & Sons again? 'can i borrow it or not?' 'why do you want it first?' 'so listen to Mumford & Sons' "no then, listen to something else' 'please let me borrow your ipod, i don't want to listen to anything else, i really want to listen to that album' 'you have listened to it too much, No' 'please' 'no' 'come on, all my other music is shit' 'i don't know where it is' 'can you help me look for it, I was really looking forward to it on the walk to work' 'no, just listen to something else, you can't just listen to Mumford & sons all the time' 'fine' and I took off my headphones and threw it on the bed.

I was really quite upset, probably without good reason, but then he went on 'oh chucking your toys out the pram are you? chucking them on the bed, stop behaving like a baby' 'well, dont treat my like a baby dictating what I can and can't listen to' 'nenene! such a baby, getting in a strop because I don't know where the ipod is' and stomps off to look for the Ipod. I told him to forget it, and I said goodbye to the kids and him and left, with him saying 'i am looking for it now, cant you just be patient? 'no' and I leave.

But I feel so wound up, so upset that he felt that right before I left for work would be a good time to try to impose his control on me, to use some kind of power trip to decide what I can and can't listen to, that he had such little regard for supporting me before work he was happy to treat me like this before I left for work. I walked for a bit, then sat down feeling angry, tearful and my confidence had just evaporated. I just felt overwhelmed by how little support I had this morning. Not at all bothered by how I might be feeling leaving my little boy, or walking into a huge office for the first time in almost a year.

I came home, could not face going into work feeling so negative, the whole point if this was to go to work feeling positive, and build on that. DH said I was making excuses, I told him that was not true, but he was not interested in hearing what I had to say, he said 'you refused to go to work because you could not listen to Mumford & Sons, it is as simple as that, you over-reacted because you could not get your own way, and you can make up something else to make yourself feel better, get angry at me to justify you not going into work if you like' and I got angry at him telling me that I would make stuff up. He told me how it was, not me telling him, and he was interested in what I think about it all.

He told me that I have ruined the day, sabotaged my return to work for whatever godknows reason, and am pretending it is because I did not have the right music.

it has nothing to do with the bloody music. But he says anything I say other than what he is saying is me making stuff up. Oh and now apparantly I am sulking.

What is your verdict ladies.

[muddleduck]

he was being an unsupportive arse.

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

Thank you muddle, he just won't listen now though. He says it is all because I didn't get my own way. But that is not it, it is because i felt unsupported. But now, he has made it clear, that whatever I tell him is made up to justify my 'behaviour' and that has upset me even more. He told me that is what he thinks and I am going to have to make some effort to convince him otherwise, but why bother, he won't believe it anyway.

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

thesecondcoming I agree.

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

He seems to think that I got all prickly because he wanted me to listen to something else.
I got prickly because he decided that he would 'withold' something from me because he felt I should not have it, and also because he felt that right before i left for work for the first time in a long time would be a good time to do this.

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

He seems to think that I got all prickly because he wanted me to listen to something else.
I got prickly because he decided that he would 'withold' something from me because he felt I should not have it, and also because he felt that right before i left for work for the first time in a long time would be a good time to do this.

[Deliaskis]

Errmmm...both, a bit, but probably you more than him TBH.

I totally understand and sympathise with everything you have said about the work situ, and I know how hard that can be having had cr@ppy work situ myself, so good on your for the positive attitude thing.

But this whole thing with DH seems to have blown up out of all proportion and whilst he may have been a little annoying in his lask of helpdulness, the smart thing to do would have been to think 'OK, I am going to enjoy the walk anyway and arrive feeling calm and refreshed'. I don't think it is very reasonable for basically an argument about an ipod to have led to you not going to work. I honetly think you did over-react, and wound yourself up beyond what the actual issue merited.

The only thing that makes me think ther eis maybe more to it is that you said he thought this would be 'a good time to impose his control onto me'. This suggests there is really more to it than what you have written about.

I am sorry for you that he wasn't very supportive, but I also think you let things get ramped up way beyond what was necessary.

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to read. I do sympathise about your work situ, I really do.

D

[shimmerysilverglitter]

He is defining your reality, which is abusive.

What is like generally?

I wonder because my ex used to hate seeing me positive and happy would always find a way to burst my bubble. I don't think he even knew he was doing it, it just used to niggle him. Birthday or Mothers Day were always ruined with his nonsense because those days were about me.

Maybe I have got it wrong but I can see why you are upset, you have so much going on and holding onto positivity can be difficult, you probably only had a fragile grip on it anyway because of all the stresses attached and a supportive partner would have just thought about how difficult this was for you and just got the IPod for you.

I always used to say to my ex when he did stuff like this "Don't define MY reality, we both know what really happened here".

[mumoffourgirls]

Tell him to f**k right off, he is the one who ruined your day, all you needed was a little bit of support to get you back into the swing of work and he couldnt even do that for you..

[chiccadee]

Honestly? Both of you sound pretty unreasonable.

He should have made more effort on your first day back, helping out with breakfasts etc. Likewise, the comments were unnecessary.

But, it does sound as if you overreacted too. If you really wanted that piece of music to walk to work to, why didn't you put it on your own IPod last night? It sounds to some extent that you are blaming your DP when you should have been more organised yourself.

Also, you've had a hard time at work in the past, and the first day away from your DS is hard, but not turning up seems to be an overreaction. You may have found that thinking about something else - work - took your mind off the argument.

Does your workplace have an employee support programme? If so, perhaps you could ask for some support - counselling, a buddy programme - to help you regain your confidence at work?

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

delia no don't apologise. I posted in here ot get some perspective.

What I meant by 'imposing his control' is simply that, he was trying to demonstrate getting his own way. He does that occasionally, nothing sinister in it, not a nice trait perhaps, but nothing untoward, nothing that I don;t usually kick against and refuse to let happen, just not an appropriate time to do it imo.

But I appreciate hearing it is probably me, luckily I have been able to re-arrange the day.

[shimmerysilverglitter]

But why shouldn't you have got your own way? Why did he feel he should withold this from you? "It's all because you didn't get your own way", I would say "yes, so what, today of all days I think I deserved it".

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

shimmery mostly he is fine, and from time to time he acts like a nob (like most of us). He is quitting smoking, and when I returned he had put a patch on, so had not had it on before. Not helped i guess.

I would not say that he dislikes me happy no. At times he can be very thoughtful, and tries hard. It was my birthday recently and it was not as great as I wanted, mainly the weather and he tried hard to make it good for me.

[chiccadee]

SSG - they're adults, not children. It must be hard for her DP too. He's unemployed, which is really tough. And presumably he'll be looking after the children full time for the moment which is a big lifechange for him.

I'm not saying that he is right, but just that he might have been nervous and worried too. Simply saying that the OP should have her own way isn't a helpful way out of the situation they are in.

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

shimmery that is how I felt, why shouldn't i? why not just let me have the ipod? is what I thought. Yes I should have put it on mine, but thought it was already there. But seeing as I hadn't, what was the problem? You are exactly right that I had a delicate handle on today. I had pysched myself up for being positive and it took not very much to crush it. Yes, that is petty, and yes I should have, as chiccadee said, just got on with it and its not a reason for not going in to work, I felt so pissed off that he did not feel my mood was important before work, that i felt unable. I do accept that is my responsibility, when I start back for the first time properly I won't be able to do this, yes, yes, i know that, but today, a trial run, why not let me a spoilt girl? I don't need a lesson taught, I am not actually a child.

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

chicadee not full time, half a day. And for today, 3.5 hours, the whole point of this was to prepare for 5 mornings a week.

[Deliaskis]

IAJHWM I don't think it's just you, I think it is both of you really.

I don't think that this issue with the ipod ever needed to be about a battle of wills between you resulting in one getting their own way and one not. He was childish and unsupportive to not just get it for you, but you also kind of let this situation evolve into something that ended up in you not going to work, which is way out of proportion, and in the end you've allowed him to ruin your day. This only happened because you gave him permission to (metaphorically, not literally), and the only person that hurt in the end is you. Even a slightly teenagerish '...whaddever...' [with the talk to the hand hand signal] would have been a more positive way to deal with it than this.

I know it's hard because a positive attitude is always all very well until something tricky crops up, and it's very hard to remain cool and calm when you are trying to cling onto the positivity. But in the long term, you probably need to find a way to get that positivity from within yourself, rather than it relying on things happening to be perfect (i.e. the right tunes on your ipod for your walk to work).

I really do sympathise though, and am happy for you that you have rearranged the day - try to put it behind you now and look forward to next time - we all need a 'do-over' sometimes!

Dx

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

chiccadee i like what you said about getting some support from work. But, in reality, its not likely. There are counselling services available, but nothing they can do and say will sort my confidence issues out as well as sacking a few managers! The biggest changes that could help have happened since I have been on ML, some voluntary redundancies and early retirement has seen some of the problem leave, and my team change to a manager i like (and not special treatment for me, a department wide shake up resulting in team dynamics changing) has been a huge positive factor in my positive mood, along with preferable hours.

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

delia yes ,you are right, I need to get the support from myself, and I am sorting out the music on the ipod. But do i really have to do everything myself, to get the support completely from myself? in a marriage? I had done the things I thought would prove to be a problem/cause stress this morning - i prepared the food for the children, even though DH often feeds them, so i took that out of the loop, i fed them, i did not get annoyed that DH got in the shower first, i made sure that the morning was calm for him, so that it was calm for me. But, basically, it seems, I should expect nothing from him, not even the loan of his ipod.

[chiccadee]

'today, a trial run, why not let me a spoilt girl? I don't need a lesson taught, I am not actually a child.'

IJHM - you can't have it both ways, I'm afraid. If you want to act like a spoilt girl (your words), then expect to be treated like one. If not, don't.

Just to make it clear, I honestly think your DP was pretty rubbish too. But I do think it must be quite hard for him to be unemployed and watching you go out to work. It's one thing to choose to be a stay at home parent, and another to end up being one through circumstances. Plus, if he is giving up smoking, it just sounds like bad timing all round.

Rearrange your session for another day. Get yourself organised the night before and maybe talk to your DP in advance about taking over getting the children up and doing breakfast so that you can have a bit of time to yourself.

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

And, normally going to work, i would get/ask last minute for a lift. I got all my clothes ready last night, organised this morning so I did not get in a flap, hat for if it rained etc etc (i am not an ultra organised person and often lose something at the last minute), i did not ask for, or want a lift, which so often has happened in the pas. I relied on DH for nothing this morning, until i wanted to use something of his that he did not want because of the reason why.

[ItsaJollyHolidayforMary]

chiccadee yes, you are right. You are all right.

And the giving up smoking, there is no good time. this is second try. At least I know what I am in store for. I guess.

[chiccadee]

Just seen your last post. Fingers crossed that you've just got a case of the pre-work jitters and that, once you go back and get stuck in - with all the changes that have taken place - your confidence will come back too.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I would have stamped on his fucking ipod, which i know is pointless and childish, so you did better than me OP. It is entirely your choice what you listen to and he has no right to impose his choices on you. Yes, I'm sure it's hard giving up smoking/being unemployed, but you have done everything you can to be supportive and helpful. He should reciprocate. If he gets a free pass because he is stressed, then so do you, because you are equally stressed.

I do think though that you have to separate work and home. You can't not go because you've had a row with your dh, but you know this already

[ShirleyKnot]

Seriously, are posters actually SERIOUSLY saying that the OP was unreasonable?

I'm aghast! I'm going to c+p a bit of their conversation again:

OP - 'to listen to Mumford & Sons'

OP's DH - "no then, listen to something else'

OP -'please let me borrow your ipod, i don't want to listen to anything else, i really want to listen to that album'

OP's DH -'you have listened to it too much, No'



I don't tell my CHILDREN not to listen to certain music because they've listened to it too much FFS. (oh and to the poster who asked why OP hadn't put the music on her i-pod last night? um possibly because she was sorting everything else out)

There are clearly lots of other things going on here Jollyholiday. I expect your DH feels uncomfortable at the fact that you're returning to work, and he remains unemployed.

Have you had a proper discussion about his feelings about you returning to work?

Anyway, he behaved like a cock this morning. YANBU.