Would IBU - re splitting bills?

[BlairWaldorfsHairband]

I keep seeing it mentioned on different threads on here that if one partner earns significantly more than the other, it?s unfair to split bills 50:50. (This isn?t a thread about a thread I promise, but neither did I want to hijack another thread!)

He earns 1.75 times what I do, almost double. We have separate accounts that our salaries get paid into, then a joint account that we transfer a set amount into at the end of the month ready for all our direct debits to come out (rent, council tax, water, elec, gas, tv licence, tv, broadband and phone). There is supposed to be enough in there as well for food and sometimes petrol as well, but there never is. We?ve only lived together for about 4-5 months, so the amount we put in is still a learning curve.

I?ve suggested before that we should pay a total amount that gets split between us in the same ratio as our salaries. But he thinks that because we both use half of all the bills, the fairest way is to just pay half each. When I brought it up he even suggested that he would ask his dad what he thinks about it ? I dont know whether he thinks his dad would agree with him, but I thought that sounded a bit unnecessary so told him not to and we haven?t discussed it since.

He is otherwise fine with money ? he knows I have less to spend overall because of the bills, so for instance if we go out to dinner he will just pay. But lately we keep having to just increase the amount we put in the joint account (already up from £1000 to £1150) and to me it?s just taking more and more of my salary whereas £75 matters much less to him.

Would I be unreasonable to suggest this to him again and what could I say? What do other people in our situation do?

[Librashavinganotherbiscuit]

For ME this would be ringing alarm bells long-term I am not against seperate accouts but only when both parties are happy with the arrangement and neither party is disadvantaged. I agree with you that the fairest way would actually be paying the same percentage of your salaries.

[DreamsInBinary]

Very similar situation, but we both put the same percentage of our salaries into joint (about 60%, I think).

This means that he puts in more than me, but also gets to keep more 'spending money'.

He is BU - you are BVR.

[CMOTdibbler]

We've always ratio'd the amount of money that goes into the joint account according to our income. So when I earnt twice what DH did, I paid in twice as much as he did. When DH wasn't working, I paid it all.

To me, it's only fair that you have some of your money, and that the split is fair.

Nothing to do with his dad btw. My parents can't imagine not just having joint accounts for everything, but it's worked great for us for over 13 years, including having a child and periods of unemployment

[Lauriefairycake]

There is nothing wrong with what he is doing unless you plan to marry or have children. Or decide to have a long term committed relationship.

At the moment you have only been living together a few months and I assume quite independant?.

[Citrus81]

I think it's fair for him to pay more. DP and I spit our income and he pays more bills than I do so at the end of the month we end up with the same ammount of disposable cash each. I think that is the fairest way tbh.

[gingernutlover]

i think you need to ask what happens when you have a baby and are on maternity leave?

I can see how his logic works but it seems unfair that you have so much less a month for yourself

Me and dh earn different amounts and the way we do it is that i pay for childcare, groceries and petrol out of my account (plus anything for me and dd). dh pays for the mortgage, car, and all other bills. It works okay.

We tend to work out things like hoildays, meals our, xmas presents etc between ourselves. Also if we have driven to see his mum a lot (2hr round trip) he will fill up the car occasionally.

For anything to work you both have to be happy, you are not so it needs fixing. Perhaps you should suggest that you need to chop the sky subscription or stop buying achohol since you feel it costs an unjustifiable amount.

[MoonUnitAlpha]

We just have joint money - much easier. So long as all the bills are paid, any left over money is spending money for both of us.

[FakePlasticTrees]

when DH (then DP) and I first moved in together, he was earning massively more than me (at the time, 4x my wage) and we had to have a 2 bed place as he needed an office as he worked from home alot - so we set up a joint account, with him paying in 60% and 50% of the rest of the bills, and me paying 40% of the rent, 50% of the bills. This was just because he wanted the larger flat than me - and I had given a limit to what I could afford each month on rent, if the place we rented was more than that, we'd agreed he'd pay the difference as he wanted/needed the extra space. If we'd got something closer to what I could afford, then we'd have split it 50/50

I think if you want to see both your wages as joint family income you're moving a bit fast - you've not even done one full round of Christmas/birthdays/holidays yet! Until it's 'family money' then in my view you pay your own way - as you would if you were renting a place with someone who was a friend.

If you can't afford to up what you pay in, then maybe sit down and tell him strictly how much you can afford, and that you need to try to get out of this tenancy and move to something cheaper that you can afford - that gives him the option to pay the difference to stay in the nicer home.

Or, stop paying for food out of the joint account and take it in turns to go to the supermarket / order on line - on the understanding you'll be living far cheaper on your weeks (e.g. never buying alcohol on your shopping trips).

[NotQuiteCockney]

Surely it's more fair for you to both have the same amount of money left after paying bills?

[BlairWaldorfsHairband]

Thanks for replies. I know that just using one account would be the ideal solution and I'm sure that we would do that at a later stage, either engaged or married. It's just now that's the issue. I'm happy about the system we have of making monthly payments into the joint account because it lets us see exactly how much we have left over. The only thing that is a problem is the amounts we are putting in. What I would really like is an answer to "why is it fairer?" - I mean, I just know it is, but he doesn't and I want to be able to explain it.

I think he also thinks that he deserves more spending money as he has been working 8 more years than I have hence the higher salary, iyswim. Fair enough if we were still totally independent but we aren't - we do live together and share finances up to a point. It's a tricky one I feel

[Deliaskis]

Like MoonUnitAlpha we just have joint money, no need to discuss who pays for what. I know it wouldn't work for everyone but it's right for us.

I suppose it's early for that for you though, although when H and I moved in we were already engaged and so pooled our money as soon as we got the house.

D

[diggingintheribs]

Joint money here too but not before we were married.

Before that we put equal in to living expenses in a joint account. this paid all joint costs, food, bills etc

Because I earnt less dh would always 'sub' me. So when it came to eg holidays, dh would always pay more. It was just accepted that otherwise we would not be able to go on that type of holiday together.

Now we are married with a child we share all money. it just so happens that my salary goes into joint account for living expenses and his gets used for savings etc. We both know what the other earns and what the other spends. DH earns a lot more than me but we both see it as family money.

I think it is unhealthy to view the finances as yours and mine when you are married.

I know a couple who pay into the joint account in proportion to their salary and seems to work for them

[moomaa]

Hmmm, I think so early on in living together you have to treat it as though you were flat sharing with a friend and so bills get split half-half, after all, you get half the benefit. If you can't afford it then you get what you can afford and he pays on his own for extras (as fakeplastictrees suggested) e.g. sky, alcohol, dinners out.

If you were married or had a child together I would have a totally different opinion FWIW.

[mumtoabeautifulbabyboy]

yanbu but I guess your partner isn't either. Are you planning a future, marriage, children together? If so then it will have to change in the future otherwise one of you will be able to go on nice holidays, meals etc while the oter (you!) stays at home!

Another suggestion - while my now DH and I were living together, we both put all our money into the shared account (he earned a lot more than me) but then we both took £500 each out and moved it into our individual accounts so we still had some independence(is this what he is after?).
Now we have had a child/maternity leave etc we just keep it all together and spend what is left (no where near as much).

All the best

[BlairWaldorfsHairband]

Thanks all for helping me see it from a different perspective. I think I have maybe jumped to a conclusion a bit hastily. We do want a future together for sure, and I know that things will change when we have been together for longer. Plus in a couple of years I expect to be earning close to what he is now (based on becoming qualified in my profession). I suppose it's not really that much of a big deal as I know it won't be long term, I can afford it and he understands that with other things we share then he had to pay more anyway. I just wondered what other people thought of the 2 options as I've noticed several people on here saying that splitting 50/50 is really unfair and a bad thing unless you earn the same.

[MrsC2010]

I do think that stating you should both have the same amount after bills is a little simplistic at this stage. But I also agree that perhaps he should be paying slightly more, or take ona couple of the smaller bills (food, entertainment or something) so that he acknowledges the disparity in your income. I don't really think it is fair this early on to expect him to sub more than half of your living costs, unless of course he is expecting a higher standard of living in line with his income, and this pushes you uncomfortably? Maybe later down the line? I don't think you're unreasonable to raise the question BTW, but equally I don't think he is totally unreasonable to push back at the mo. If he is otherwise reasonable than that is a good sign long-term!

[MorrisZapp]

Yup, I think the big difference is having kids.

If you don't have kids then tbh I think it's fair to expect that you can keep your wages after you've paid your share of the bills, and this can be 50/50 or any other proportion that you both agree on.

I think after you have kids it all changes. I'm about to find out, anyway!

We're keeping our separate bank accounts though even after LO is born. It's not really approved of on here but it works for both of us and we both prefer it that way. I like to know exactly how much money I have.

[lindsell]

yanbu

However when you say 1.75x more is that gross or net? Just that depending on what your respective salaries are the net pay may not be a huge amount different so although you think £75 a month doesn't mean much to him it may make more of a difference than you realise. I do think your circumstances matter too - if as others have said you are planning to get married/have children then that's different to if you're living together to see how it goes iyswim in which case I understand why he expects you to pay 50/50 as he sees it more like flatsharing. Is he maybe scared of the commitment of "supporting you"? Or does he perhaps feel you want him for his money? (not suggesting that btw just thinking how he might feel) Also things like meals out do really add up so if he's paying for those then that should be taken into account.

my dh earns loads more than me (now that I'm part time after ds about 4x more) when we first moved in together before we were married he earnt about 2x more than me. I was keen to try and pay 50/50 when we first moved in together (hate idea of not paying my way) but his view was that it wasn't fair as I had student loans etc to pay off and he didn't so we went with a 60/40 split (now more like 80/20). Also when we worked out our budget we made an allowance for our personal spending and his was double mine to reflect fact he earns more, contributes more but also should have the benefit of working the long hours etc.

If I was you I'd explain to him that you are struggling financially with the extra money you need to find and that therefore you both need to look at what you can cut down on from the joint spending (e.g. sky sub if you have it and he likes watching it..., need to move somewhere cheaper etc) may encourage him to say that he will contribute more iyswim. If he doesn't then at least you can focus on getting the budget to what you can afford.

sorry for long slightly confused post...

[GeekOfTheWeek]

I earn more than dh but i spent 4.5 years at uni to do so. If 5 months into living together he expected me to pay more than him I would have been furious. I paid more for holidays etc though.

Marriage and dcs later we pretty much share our money.

[TrillianAstra]

There are 3 ways you can split money.

1: pay 50:50
2: as % of take-home earnings
3: so everyone has the same left over

1 is for flat-sharing or early relationship
2 is for serious relationship
3 is when one of you has taken a cut in your potential earnngs because of the other (e.g. children)

If he is causing the bills to be higher than they would if you were sharing with another person exactly like yourself, then maybe he should pay more, or pay for a specific item that he wants but you don't (e.g. Sky tv or extra room as someone above mentioned). If the bills are no higher than they would be if you were sharing with another you then you'll just have to accept that that is how much t costs.

[BlairWaldorfsHairband]

Thanks for long post lindsell. Just to emphasise, I am not struggling for money. If I was I would definitely feel more strongly, but the only reason I am asking the question is out of principle - and the answer I am getting is that it isn't always fairer

And yes that was gross pay, net the ratio is roughly 1.62 times as much. If we were going to adjust the split, I suppose a 60:40 would be fine for us.

Also to clarify we are not just living together to see how things go, it started off being partly to save costs (we live just outside SW London and were renting a 1 bed flat each, was very ouch!) but we definitely want to get married and have kids so it was going to happen anyway.