Adopted DS - future BC

[Buster510]

Hi All,

I have read many posts with regards to adopted children joining a family with an already older birth child, but has anyone done this the other way?

We have an adopted DS, and through the circumstances to which he was adopted we are yet to try for birth children. I think this is fairly rare? Well it seems to be.

But I was wondering if any of you have any experience with this or even if no experience thoughts on this I would be grateful to hear your views.

[Nonnimouse]

We had birth children already, then adopted DS, and then had another birth child. It had no negative effects and it has all gone smoothly and made no difference, but DS was a relinquished baby due to special needs and came to us at only 6 months.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

No experience of doing it this way around (BC then AC here) but I'd have thought that how not to do it would be like that couple in 'In the Club' who kept wittering on about finally having "their own child"

[Mama1980]

Hi I have a dd now 16 she has been in my care (by sgo) since she was 9 years old. Personally I found the fact that I did Not have birth children at the time the sgo was granted both a advantage and a disadvantage, they feared I lacked experience, but they were also aware it gave me time to totally focus on my dd. (her Early life was very traumatic she underwent years of therapy)

I have since had 2 birth children and adopted my eldest s half sibling, she's now 9 months and been in my care since birth. My children see no difference my 6 year old knows his sisters didn't grow in my tummy he always has, but it's just normal for him. My eldest was desperate for a sibling, and being a bit older, has always adored her younger siblings. She knows she is no less my daughter for not being biologically mine.
Other people can be very weird about it though I've found. My eldest and I look alike but there is only 16 years between us, I am often either frowned upon as a young mum or canonised for taking her on so young. People have actually commented how I didn't possibly know what being a mum was about until I had given birth disregarding my eldest totally

[Buster510]

Thank you all for your views it's much appreciated. Mama I can see people probably saying things like that towards me when the time comes, as I am in my late 20s and already often get people saying "won't you have your own??" or "when you have your own" etc. DS is often talking about wanting to be a big brother etc so hopefully it will be a change he will adapt to well :)

[KumquatMay]

Interesting topic here, glad to see someone has raised it.

DH and I are keen to start the adoption process soon, we are really keen to take up to 2 children and we have never tried to conceive BC. We're not ruling it out for the future but also very aware that once we adopt our commitment is to those children and any future decisions we make must be in light of how our other (adopted) children might cope.

It's an unusual situation to be in, and we get alot of the "are you going to try for your own?" type comments. But everybody has been really supportive, even if they don't totally understand it. There's a few reasons why we've chosen to do it this way - partly it's that we feel alot more strongly about adopting than we do about BC, partly because we know that if we could only have AC or BC we would choose AC, and partly because we feel we are in a really strong position to give our undivided attention and love to children who would benefit from being the only children in their family for now. That said, we're not ruling out BC in any way, only very aware that we're taking a calculated risk that committing to our AC might mean forgoing future BC.

Not sure if that's what you were looking for but thought I'd share!

[Moomoomie]

As the reasons you adopted your son are so different to the majority of people who adopt, I doubt you will meet many in your situation.
When you do decide to have birth children I am sure you will involve ds, as an older brother. You are so good at communicating with him I'm sure it will be fine.
And ignore all the stupid comments you are bound to get, some people can be so ignorant.

[Tokoloshe]

I think it is rare for the reasons others have given, also given the often traumatic background of many adopted children they may not be able to cope with a younger sibling... but there is no way of knowing that ahead of time.

My girls would love a younger brother (well, I'm sure there would be a bit of sibling jealousy, but overall I am confident the positives would be more than the negatives!), but I don't have the time, money or space (do get broody around toddlers though! My 'baby' is now 7 :D )

[JustMarriedBecca]

I'm writing for the other side. I'm the adopted first born. My younger brother is a birth child of my parents.

Much to my amusement, I'm the spitting image of both parents (dark features) and my brother has thick ginger hair and pale skin. I was four when he was born and I was as any normal child with a younger sibling ('he's MY brother you can't play with him etc'). We're incredibly close now.

I don't think it makes any difference. I used to love the story of how my parents were trying to adopt again and found out they were pregnant at the 'are they healthy' medical.

[Saralyn]

Hi Buster

i haven't adopted myself, but my aunt and uncle adopted a one year old girl (international adoption). Just after she came home, my aunt became pregnant, and gave birth to a son. (there had been many years of infertility before this)

This didn't cause any problems, they grew up as any other brother and sister. Grown up now, and both close to their parents.

In our family they have never been treated any differently, and everyone has considered them equally their parents' child. I haven't heard that anyone has ever said something stupid about only the son being "their own child".

Obviously people do comment on the fact that the birth child came so quickly after the first child, but more in a "what a funny coincidence" way.

The way the parent's told the story to the kids was that they were so happy to have their daughter that the son was created from all that happiness.

So, a very happy and uncomplicated example. The girl didn't have any special needs though, so I realise that may be different from many adoptions these days.

[joeschmoesmum]

We never planned it, but as we were waiting for a court date (non UK adoption) I was already pregnant. We didn't find out until I was almost 14 weeks, when I went to the doctor to ask why I felt so terribly tired (fearing it was my thyroid again), as we had been told that we would be unable to have bio-kids (after 7 years of trying, several miscarriages that came with complications that "ruined" my uterus). I am 20 weeks pg and DS has been with us almost three months.

I have been very scared about people's comments and feel I always have to justify myself and explain that DS really was our first choice for creating a family and we would not "change" him for the world. People are insensitive and keep making comments of "You did a good deed and god sent you a miracle" which really upset me.

In terms of the effect it will have on DS1, I really honestly hope that given the small difference (16 months) he will be fine. The attachment process has been going well, as far as we can tell and we have had a lot of professional support for our exceptional circumstances (again, not UK and professionals here much more affordable). DS1 is our biggest miracle and I am a little worried I will not be able to love DS2 as much...

[Buster510]

Thank you all very much for your comments, it is much appreciated.