Adoption or IVF with donor sperm?

[strawberrydreamcake]

I am 37 soon and I'm single.

I really would love a child and feel I have a lot to offer to 'motherhood' - am a reception/year 1 teacher and deputy head of an infant school so I love children, as you'd hope!

I always thought I'd meet Mr Right and have the conventional marriage, children and so on. It isn't looking likely so I need to think outside the box as it were.

The things I'm wondering are:

1. Do your finances/ debt impinge on your suitability? I haven't got a very good credit rating - perversely this is because i have no credit history to speak of! But it has sometimes been a problem.
   

1. I'm single. I know they would say this isn't an issue - but would it be really? I don't have any family who could help.
   

1. I would want to if possible choose the name of the child myself.
   

1. I would prefer to adopt a girl, or two girls.
   

1. I wouldn't want any contact with the birth parents at all to speak of.
   

I hope I haven't offended anyone but the above are the reasons I might be turned away - and if that's the case, I obviously need to think about other ways of becoming a mum. I want to make sure I'm as suited to the process as the process is to me and I definitely don't want to be given funny looks or similar.

Please remember I am new to this so won't know the things you all know.

[IsThisOneTaken]

In short as need to run...

1, 2 and 4 wouldn't be problematic

3 and 5... may well be (5 almost certainly, depending on what you think 'contact' entails)

The first thing to remember about adoption is that is entirely child centric, not adoptive parent centric.

Choosing a name isn't often done unless there are real safeguarding concerns. A name is a key part of a child's identity and changing it is never taken lightly. That said, adding or changing a second name is done more often (we added an additional middle name with our two)

Contact -most contact now is a letter once a year sent to the birth family with details about how the child has got on the previous year. You would never be expected to regularly meet a birth family except in very rare circumstances.

To adopt a child is to acknowledge that, although you are their forever mother, you were not their first mother and to try to erase that part of their life would be disastrous for the child - the child needs to understand that you will support them should they decide to contact their family in later life. This means you need to if not promote, support contact and be prepared to talk to your child about their birth family. My children's birth family gets mentioned (by me) at least weekly so they know talking about them is never an issue.

Again - a child's birth family is an enormous part of their identity which will already be under the threat of erosion as a result of being adopted (for example, there may be many details that you won't know about your child - why they have the name they do... what time of day they were born... what the weather was like on the day they were born. These are all details I know about my birth just by asking my mother - but that an adoptive child may not be able to find out about). Part of your job as an adoptive parent is to promote your child's/children's identity even when that means talking about subjects that aren't comfortable.

You'll learn more about identity should you get as far as starting the process and in the meantime, keep asking questions and we'll do our best to help.

[IsThisOneTaken]

I should say - credit rating won't affect your ability to adopt but you will need to demonstrate you have the financial means to support a child and that includes taking potentially up to a year off work should that child/children need it.

[IsThisOneTaken]

One other thing...

Adoption is very different to parenting a birth child.

If you are thinking about IVF and donor sperm you need to rule that out as an option before pursuing adoption... Very few agencies/LAs will let you commence the adoption process while still considering the birth child route.

If you do decide on adoption, be prepared to be absolutely grilled about why, as a fertile women, you are going down the adoption route (Not saying it happens in every case, but I was...)

[strawberrydreamcake]

Thanks for replying :)

With regards to the name - I know it sounds silly, but I just wouldn't like feeling that "my" child had a name someone else gave them. I'd be happy to keep it as a middle name. But giving them a name I chose or we chose would be, to me, part of them becoming my child.

Maybe I'd feel different if it was a name I liked anyway.

Do you not find that talking about your child's birth family over-emphasises their importance in the child's life? I am so sorry if I've phrased that badly but I can't help but feel, if I was adopted, I would want to feel a part of my new family, and bringing up my birth family would be a constant reminder I began life elsewhere.

I don't mean I'd never mention them by the way!

[strawberrydreamcake]

Do you know IsThisOne I will be honest and say that until recently IVF and donor sperm was my preferred option.

Recently, that's changed. I have no idea how or why it has changed, but it has. I know I still want to be a Mum, but adoption is slowly shifting to be my preferred option. This is possibly because I've been swayed a bit by advertising propaganda though!

But I don't want to rule anything out which is why I'm trying to keep an open mind.

[IsThisOneTaken]

Names are a big concern I think for potential adopters.

I don't think it's helped by the fact that there seems to be a perception among some people that adopters should be 'happy to parent any child' and 'they shouldn't be fussy when offered a child'

I knew for a fact when going through the process that if I really didn't like a child's name, it would have been a concern for me. If I was going to feel embarrassed calling them across a playground, for example. I decided to just 'chill out' about it and see what happened - understanding that, as I say, children's names are a big part of their identity.

What happened was that I saw the details of my DS and DD, thought they sounded perfect from their CPRs (Child Protection Reports) and I actually liked their names very much too. I liked the whole package. They don't feel at all like 'not my children' because I didn't get to name them.

My DS and DD were 6 and 5 when they came home so big enough to remember their birth family well. We don't sit down and have mahoosive family conferences about their birth family - it's things like the first time they went swimming I said 'have you been swimming before'? they said 'once' and I said, was that with Mummy X (their birth mother) or Y (their foster carer).

Things like that.

[IsThisOneTaken]

On IVF - adoption agencies won't want you to keep an open mind. It's very much one or the other. Something to bear in mind.

[Lilka]

Hi and welcome and please forgive the mega long post! I'm a single adoptive mum

I think the very first thing to consider - because donor insemination and adoption are such massively different routes to becoming parents - is to think very carefully about how you feel about: pregnancy, having a newborn baby, and having a child who shares your genes. There's nothing wrong with wanting those things, but adoption is a process you should only embark upon if you are comfortable with not having those things. So if you have doubts about that, or would like the experience of pregnancy and baby, then I suggest exploring your options with donor sperm/other fertility treatment. The other thing is that parenting an adopted child can be quite different from parenting a birth child, a lot of extra bits to it (eg. talking about birth family, their past and background, but also the vast majority of children have some form of additional needs because of their history), so it's important to think about that. You are still young in adoption terms - many many people who come to adoption do so in their 40's. However in terms of conception, you aren't young and your window to explore having a birth child is going to close quicker than your window for exploring adoption is going to.

Basically, you have to be able to let go of what it means to have a birth child, a little baby, a genetically related child and to parent a birth child, in order to become an adoptive parent, so I think it's important to explore that if you're still considering donor conception.

1. Financially speaking, social services will want to see that you have an income which provides for your outgoings and that you will be able to provide for the things your child needs (not luxuries, but food, clothes, furniture and so on). A large amount of debt might well be an issue, but some debt isn't an automatic barrier, as long as you demonstrate you have a plan to pay it off.
   

1. Being single in and of itself really isn't an issue any more with a good agency. Some childrens social workers are looking for 2 parent families and I think you have to accept that you may be passed over for some children in favour of a married couple. But there are plenty of single adopters nowadays and I haven't heard of any in recent years who failed to be matched with a child. There are plenty of childrens social workers who are very comfortable with single adopters - and indeed, some children for whom a single mum is preferred.
   

Having support around you is another issue. You do need to demonstrate that you have some sort of support network around you, to provide you with emotional support as well as anything practical if you need it. It doesn't have to be family though, it could be comprised of friends etc.

1. Naming is a subject we've had massive long threads on before and a range of opinions! But basically to keep this short, the first thing is that to change a childs name, the child has to be young enough to accept it, which generally means under aged 2 at least (exceptions as always). It's an issue that is explored more in the process itself, but I think something nearly all adoptive parents would emphasise, is to base your decisions off your childs needs and your childs best interests, and to make sure your own desires are kept well secondary to that. All children and situations are different, in some situations a name change is absolutely necessary, in some it is not. Social services are usually not at all keen on name changing, but at the very least, they'll be looking for a parent who will keep their childs needs at the forefront of the decision making process. Going in saying "I'm definitely going to change my childs name" might well be seen as a big problem.
   

1. Gender preference is okay, as long as you can show you've thought it through. I was approved for a girl only, both times I went through the full process (I now have a wonderful son as well!). Basically, it won't be a barrier for you. It's something you would also explore in depth during the approval process. (my very personal opinion nowadays is that it's often a good idea to keep your mind open unless you have a very strong preference, because who knows, maybe you come across a boys profile and just know this is right for you).
   

TWO girls/children - there is a shortage of adopters for siblings, especially older ones, but adopting siblings has its own challenges! Again, something which can be explored in the process, you don't need to know going in whether you are open to siblings or not. However you also need to consider how 2 children as opposed to 1, will change the ages of the children you would be looking it because two siblings aren't likely to both be aged under 2. Basically, you need to ask yourself how you feel about babies, toddlers and older children.

1. The vast majority of children have a plan in place for contact, which for most children, is 1 or 2 letters a year. Realistically, if after exploring it, you still arent comfortable with contact, you've massively reduced the number of children who would be a good match for you, and I do mean massively.
   

I have seen people be approved who aren't open to contact, but they do tend to wait a lot longer for a match. And sometimes, they don't find one, especially if they were also looking for a young child with no or few additional needs/background issues. They have to drop out or adjust their expectations. (background issues are things like drug or alcohol exposure in utero, parents have mental health issues, or learning disabilities which may have a hereditory component etc and needs could be emotional, behavioural, developmental, medical, learning related etc)

I know you haven't mentionned what kind of needs/background issues you would be open to but it's important to think about because I would tend to advise people that adoption might not be the right route for you if you're only looking for a very young child (under 18 months) with no contact and few or no additional needs/background issues because there are so few children out there who fit that profile. Basically, adoption is service for children, to find them the families who meet their needs. It isn't a service to find children to give to families. The key to understanding social services approach and what they're looking for, is to understand that!

[Lilka]

Argh, spent so long typing, I totally missed everything Taken's posts. What she said too

[Phineyj]

We had to make this choice (as a couple) and in the end went for IVF with donor egg (sperm was not an issue). I found the whole adoption process very difficult and in fact we were rejected at the "preparation" (training) stage as the social workers said they weren't convinced we'd given up on having a birth child, among other issues. The two things are totally different. With IVF/donor gametes, you are the 'customer' so to speak. It is about what you want/can afford/are prepared to do, within certain limits of course - IVF clinics are reliant on their success statistics so they may not want to take on patients who will bring their numbers down, even if they are paying. However, if it works, it is a heck of a lot quicker than adoption. We went from exploring the idea to having our daughter within two years and that was with a long gap between the two IVF treatments due to it being a real challenge to synchronise treatments with school holidays (I am also a teacher). It had taken us about the same length of time just to find out information about adoption and to convince a local authority to take us on -- I think the system has improved a little now, however.

I do admire those who adopt but although I was upset at the time that we were rejected, I think now looking back the social workers were right and it wasn't the right route for us.

[jessplussomeonenew]

If you don't have fertility problems and decide you want to carry the child, you should consider the option of donor sperm IUI (intrauterine insemination) - it costs much less than IVF and is a lot less invasive/unpleasant.

[Phineyj]

I should add that I don't have any problem with the fact DD doesn't share my genes (none of our extended family seem the slightest bothered either) and nor would I have had any issue with that aspect of adopting. I had no desire to experience pregnancy or to have a young baby particularly (it wasn't as bad as I thought, however ) but DH and I felt the donor IVF was simply our only option by that stage. I'm not sure it's easy to know how you will feel about these things until you've done them.

[strawberrydreamcake]

Thanks for so many kind messages. Hopefully I'll be able to answer them!

Jessplus - as yours is easy! - I would probably opt for IVF if I took this route as statistically it's success rates are higher than IUI but that's open to thought and discussion.

I used to be very much of the view I wanted to carry a child and so on. Lately that seems less important, I've no idea why!

Age wise, again, I'm open minded. I'd like a reasonably young child but young to me is 5 and under.

Thinking about it I would probably be fine with keeping a name if it was a name I liked, and could imagine myself choosing anyway. So perhaps it's just part of waiting for the right child.

Letters are fine. Actually seeing the child or similar - I wouldn't like that. It's hard to know what is best.

[IsThisOneTaken]

Seeing the child (direct contact) almost never happens - I don't know of a single case where there is ongoing direct contact - although others might.

Names - you say perhaps it's just part of waiting for the right child Yes, this was my experience and, even though I was concerned about this, when the time came it really wasn't an issue at all.

Good luck and keep asking the questions.

[strawberrydreamcake]

Thanks, I certainly will :)

Have arranged to attend a talk, too. Hopefully that will give me a few more ideas.

One more thing: I currently live in a 1-bed flat, however I would certainly move if I was approved to adopt.

I take it this would be OK?

[Lilka]

I've found that actually the large majority of waiting children do have very normal names! It's easy to think of the worst case scenario (like those parents in the US who called their son Adolf Hitler) and forget how many kids are actually just called Katie and Callum

Also, I've found that its much harder trying to think about names in the abstract - it's different when a name is attached to your beloved child and is just one tiny part of who they are! But for you it might just be about waiting for the right match. Especially if you are open to children up to 5, because you can't just change a 4 year olds name.

If you are open to writing letters, and children aged 0-4, then that's fine. Letters is the contact that most children have with their birth parents. Meetings are only relatively common with siblings who are adopted by different parents.

Incidentally, I have one child at home who doesn't like talking about his birth mum and so it's rarely brought up, and one who talks about her mum sometimes every day nowadays, but who always used to mention her several times a week when she was younger. Every child is individual and you just let yourself get led by them when it comes to how often you talk about their birth family and early lives.

[strawberrydreamcake]

you can't just change a 4 year olds name

Very genuinely, why not?

Wouldn't this be a nice part of it? I can see you wouldn't just saddle a child with a new name, but a 4 year old might quite enjoy 'choosing' a new name (from a list of possibles!) to symbolise a new start and new life.

[Lilka]

1 bed flat - that will be an issue. Your home (and local area) is part of your assessment and generally you want to be living in a home with a spare room ready before starting the process. It might be hard to persuade an agency to assess you before moving especially since the government is time pressurising them with how quickly they're approving parents. It might not be impossible, if there's a good prospect of you finding a suitable house quickly in your local housing market, if you would only move a short distance so you don't leave area your council cover, and you're prepared for the wait for them to come and check your house. Basically it will lead to a few months of delay though.

Going to talks is a good idea as is reading. The more research you do, the better position you're in to decide whether adoption is a process you're suited for

[Lilka]

Whoa what just happened to my display, everything's changed

[strawberrydreamcake]

I don't really want to go to the expense and hassle of moving when I don't even know if I'll be accepted, is the issue!

Moving shouldn't take long as there are plenty of affordable 3 bed properties with gardens locally.

[IsThisOneTaken]

One more thing: I currently live in a 1-bed flat, however I would certainly move if I was approved to adopt. I take it this would be OK?

Again, I can only speak for myself.

We (DH and I) were in a 2 bed house. We wanted to adopt siblings. We moved to a bigger place before approval (i.e. it was required of us; we wouldn't have been considered for approval for 2 children without a spare room for each child).

you can't just change a 4 year olds name

Very genuinely, why not?

Children who are adopted are often traumatised from their early experiences. Moving to a new adoptive family is not a time of joy for them - it's a time of fear and uncertainty. Everything they know will change. Their parents, friends, bedrooms, routines, sights sounds and smells.

The LAST thing you'd want to do - without very good reason - is remove one of last things they have left. And, as I say - there is sound evidence to suggest that identity issues can have a massive impact on future development. As an adoptive parent you will do everything you can to promote a child's own identity - not stamp your own on a child.

[IsThisOneTaken]

You actually sound very naive about adoption

In fairness, Maryz, the OP did state... "Please remember I am new to this so won't know the things you all know."

[jessplussomeonenew]

Strawberry, you're right that generally IVF success rates are higher than those for IUI, but it's worth checking the basis for the statistics you're quoted to make sure they're relevant to you; statistics comparing IUI and IVF will mostly be based on women/couples who have been trying unsuccessfully for at least a year and/or have some known fertility problem, so won't necessarily be relevant for your situation. It's also worth comparing the cumulative success rates given that you could probably have about 4-5 cycles of IUI for the cost of 1 IVF cycle!