Eating too quickly

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Hi,

Been a while since I posted for help, but have a question for you all.....

I know many children are fussy eaters, slow eaters, reluctant eaters....we have the opposite. Our son wolfs down food at breakneck speed, often not chewing it more than once. His forkfuls are often too big and very occasionally, he makes himself retch or cough from over filling his mouth. On the positive side, he eats very well, has a varied diet and really enjoys his food. He is good at self regulating and knows when he has had enough. He's still very small for his age and suspect (hope) he is having a growth spurt, so is often hungry!

He has been with us for nearly 10 months, is 5.5 and was with birth family for most of his early years. We know, from things he has said to foster carers, that meal times were anxiety prone for him. Putting 2 and 2 together (as we do so much of the time, trying to piece together what his early years were like), we suspect his table manners were enforced through fear and physical threats or worse.

So it makes sense he might want to eat fast? It's also possible food was scarce and meal times were unpredictable so he has learned to eat fast or go hungry. But what I am hoping you might be able to help with, is to suggest how we respond. I find it hard to ignore. I worry he will choke, but I know we probably need to just relax and ignore it. We praise him when he eats at a more sensible pace etc.

Any tips, insights or shared experiences welcome, feel free to PM me if you would prefer. feeling a bit wobbly tonight.

TIA

x

[vickylu1]

Aww bless him. I had rushed mealtimes as a child and if I didn't finish it quick enough my mum would, she didn't want it to go to waste. I still eat too quickly but I'm ok with it.

I would say that being as relaxed as possible at mealtimes and making it a time to be relaxed and take your time without telling him should eventually work in a lead by example type way.

It sounds like you are positively reinforcing him which is good but could also draw more attention to his speedy eating and could make him anxious about it and then make him eat faster as he feels he's being watched or something like that.

I think keeping it relaxed and drawing attention away from the eating side of things could be a good way to deal with it maybe but you know him best so I think you just do what feels right. :)

[NanaNina]

I think you have hit the nail on the head in thinking meals were scarce and he learned to eat what was there quickly as he didn't know when the next food would be available. I think this is a very common thing with children who have been neglected/abused.

I think Vickylu's advice is good - also I think you will find that once he realises that food is a regular occurrence he will slow down (10 months sounds a long time, but if you consider that he spent almost all his formative years probably experiencing a chaotic lifestyle with irregular meals) it's not that long. It's also very common for children when moved to a nurturing home and regular nutritious food that they have a growth spurt.

I think praising him for eating a little slower is exactly right and I'm sure will bring results in time. Maybe use a little humour that might help. Good luck. You sound so lovely I'm sure you will find your way through this.

[Kewcumber]

DS not only ate fast but so much that he was sick pretty much every day for months after coming home. He was much younger (about 15 months). But I did actually worry at one point that I was actually going to let him kill himself with overeating, but I amanaged to grit my teeth and let him and let him and let him and let him and let him....

Just when I thought it wouldn;t get better it slowly did.

And if it doesn;t it isn;t the end of the world.

I wouldn't worry about it - you could say "You seem very hungry, would you like some more?" to reinforce to him as he is eating that there will always be more until he has had enough.

I must admit I didn't praise DS for eating differently/slower/less because he wasn;t really doing any wrong eating too much/too fast. It was a perfectly reasonable thing for him to do - my job was to make sure he always had enough to eat (ie what he thought was enough to eat not what I thought!) and the rest gradually fell into place.

[OiMissus]

Good advice already given. Don't do anything to change mealtimes, just be super-relaxed, calm and smiley and hopefully he'll learn to relax too.
Away from the dining table, you could play games with sweets, like we all did as kids on long car journeys: who can make their polo mint last the longest, who can eat a fruit pastille without chewing. Fun games secretly about making food last.
He'll be fine.

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Thanks all, very helpful and reassuring.

Especially like the fruit pastille longest lasting game, I am sure his dentist wouldn't approve, but we will give it a go!!

I'm pretty sure we are inadvertently adding to anxiety and it's not good for him, or us. We (husband and I) have made a pact we will not say anything for a whole week and see if it changes, plus maybe upping the snacks if he is super hungry, just in case he is getting worried about when the next meal is coming.

It makes me very sad to think he's worried about when or where the next meal is coming from, but like NanaNina said, relative to the time he spent with birth family, his time here is still very short and it will take time for him to feel secure and realise we will always have meals and food available.

Thanks again x

[Kewcumber]

I'd be very surprised if you see a change in a week! It took 3 months to see a difference in DS and even then the change was so gradual I didn;t notice at first.

[combust22]

I have no experience of adopting but I have an OH who eats very quickly. His mother died when he was a baby, leaving him, the youngest of 4 boys under the age of 5. The kids were passed from pillar to post and eventually ended up living with an uncaring aunt who would leave the boys at a kitchen table and dump some food ( often not enough) in the middle to eat without supervision.

He who ate quickest got the most. My Oh having an age disadvantage would often get the smallest of pickings, and to this day still eats as if his life depended upon it. Going out for a leisurly meal is pretty impossible, the minute his plate is put down he wolfs at it without pause or glancing up.

It's not an issue between us, I have learned to live with it, but wondered if this could be an underlying cause?

[Haffdonga]

Apologies if this is really simplistic. (I'm not an adopter but realise the issues you are dealing with must be much more complex than 'just' eating behaviour.) But would something as simple as a smaller toddler-sized spoon/fork and food cut into small mouthfuls create a situation where your ds is naturally slowed down? He could still eat as fast as he wanted but wouldn't be over-loading his fork as much. As eating speed is apparently a learned behaviour, a period of 'enforced' slower eating may eventually make it habitual for him. If the meal doesn't lend itself to being cut into little pieces then perhaps you could sometimes enjoy a more Mediterranean-style meal of a few small dishes on the table at a time and not load a single plate with everything at once. (In the words of the wonderful Italian, please ignore me if my advice is wrong for you. I'm not an expert and hope I haven't over-stepped)

[Kewcumber]

The thing is Haffdonga - this isn't really about teaching how to eat nicely. Its about teaching him that he will always have enough to eat. Once he learns that then hopefully he will gradually slow down.

Making him incapable of eating as fast doesn't in anyway address the reasons behind it. And it may even distress him to be artificially slowed down or increase his anxiety around eating.

It doesn't matter that he eats fast. It doesn't even matter if he chokes occasionally.

It does matter that he learns he will always get enough to eat - address that first.

[Kewcumber]

I should add that DS had even more of an issues around water as he had generally been short of water. He was allowed to carry a sippy cup of water around virtually 24/7 for a year after coming home. His childminder said "Oh but they can all get water at any point", no the point was he needed control over his water - he needed to know he could drink at any time he wanted to. It was a control issue not a drinking issue.

SO he was always allowed to carry his water - took about a year to get to a "normal" point of not having to carry it around with him.

[Haffdonga]

Absolutely Kew. I didn't mean to suggest that he somehow needs to be 'taught manners' or anything like that, I promise . But as eating speed is partly a learned behaviour I was trying to think of ways he could naturally become accustomed to a slower pace of eating without causing him any fear or anxiety about food being withheld and without any need for his parents to be seeming to be paying attention to how fast he's eating.

[Darquesse]

Would ot help to involve him in meal planning and food shopping? So he knows what meals are coming and when, and he knows the food is there?

I agree with biting your tongue, although I wouldn't limit it for a week, I would extend it for as long as it takes.

Also could you have a fruit bowl in an accessible place so he can always help himself to a snack?

[Softlysoftlycatchymonkey]

Oh what heartbreaking stories and what lovely caring mums they have.

Great advice on here, def go with the relaxed approach. If it was my child (have 2bio kids) I would probably have healthy snacks available all times. Milky drinks would be available and I'd also take them shopping with me and allow them to choose food.

Hats off to you all x

[morethanpotatoprints]

I'm sure you do this already but I would make meal times a very normal affair.
Tell him you have plenty of food and you won't take it away from him. I'd make a joke like it isn't going to run away, but I am probably wrong.
Maybe try and get him to have a meal time conversation about something mundane.

[lookingforsunshine]

Personally I think there are two issues here. I totally agree that he needs to learn that food will always be available and that meal times are made as relaxed as possible. However I TOTALLY disagree that it is 'ok for him to choke sometimes'. Choking is a very,frightening and painful experience. It is not unusual that children can develop a fear of eating after a particularly scary choking episode. He does sound like he could be at real risk of this happening. I'd mention this to his GP personally and see if he can be referred to an appropriate professional.

[Kewcumber]

By all means take him to a GP if you think his choking/retching is a problem. My experience of GP's having any experience of (or often to be fair any interest in) eating/adoption issues is not good. And feeding and sleeping are two of the bigger issues that present in adoptive children and in my experience post adoption support for either of them is vanishingly rare.

I don't see how you can address the choking differently to the idea that he needs to rush through his food but maybe an expert in feeding issues could offer different advice. And you may be lucky in getting referred to one.

Encouraging conversation during meals is a good idea but if he's anything like DS - he couldn't have conversations over meals until he was at least 7! Food was for the serious business of eating!

[vickylu1]

I just have to say if you were to talk to the GP, please don't do it with him there, I'm sure you wouldn't.

I have had people say over the years, it's not going to run away, about my food and it made me very self conscious, to the point that I stopped eating in front of people. I've worked through it but a lot of positive and negative comments about how fast I was eating just made me, personally feel very worried about eating generally.

I know that children generally want to please their parents and being an adopted child ( especially being old enough to know what's happened) can make them overly eager to please so by drawing attention to his eating habits he will be really worried about trying to please and it could end up negatively affecting him.

Sorry just had to comment my thoughts. I think not drawing attention to his eating in anyway for a week is a good way to start. Like someone else said, it'll probably take longer than that but at least if you give it a week you will be able to see if he relaxes more. He will know logically that food is there but as he's only been with you for a short-ish time he's probably in denial about the abundance of food.

I definitely think time will be a great healer for your situation. He sounds lovely by the way, congratulations and well done for what you have done for him already. I'm sure that if he doesn't slow down to your pace he'll slow down a bit as a result of environment overall.

Anyway, good luck, all the best :)

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Not the same issue, but it has taken over two years for DD to voluntarily try new foods... I think big stuff like eRing and sleeping are long term things, and although you can sometimes make some progress relatively quickly they are long haul issues to resolve.

Good luck

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Thanks all x

[Italiangreyhound]

TrinnyandSatsuma lots of good advice here.

So not sure I can add much except to say I overeat and I eat fast. I am not an expert - and although I am now (hooray) mum to a boy who joined the family by adoption (and a dd) his main issue around food has been not eating much!

My kids do brush their teeth better when I brush mine with them so is it possible to model slow eating with him, in the same way. You eat slowly while eating together?

I am sure you do already but it may be if he is head down (eating very fast) he will not see you eating more slowly. Could you encourage talking and playing word games at the table, sometimes? If you are talking or playing a game then he may look at you more and see how you are eating.

Could you incorporate some games at meal times that will encourage him to eat slower (we sometimes play 'I went shopping and I bought' at meal times).

This will not address him knowing the food will always be there but if he eats slower while with you and begins to feel fuller as he is eating he may begin to believe the food will fill him up.

One of the problems with fast eating is your tummy does not get a chance to send a message to your brain that you are full until it is too late and you are overfull. I am sure you know that anyway, and as I say it will not address the issue of him thinking food will not always be there. However, if he begins to feel full and sees there is more food on his plate, he may begin to believe it.

[Italiangreyhound]

I am sure at the moment there is no food left on the plate but if there is in the future then I am sure you will not require him to finish (I never like anyone being required to finish their food up).

If you can also play some games before, after or at meal times to show him that there is more food in the fridge and cupboard, then he may start to get the message. Food in tummy, tummy feeling full, food still on plate, food in cupboard/fridge etc.

Or is it more complicated than that?

Am I being wildly simplistic? Feel free to ignore me.

I would not be surprised if it was more complicated but as long as it does not damage him or his perception to play a few games at meals then I would try it.

Also as you know there is more food if he needs it maybe play eye spy in the fridge or cupboard? We play it with colours not letters. My dd is older than your son but dyslexic and at 5 would have found 'letter' I spy intimidating I think. So for example - I spy something green (cabbage/grapes etc) I spy something orange (photo of baked beans on the tin of beans).

If you don't want to stand at the open fridge, take a few photos of the contents of the fridge and play eye spy with the photos or the shots on your lap top or tablet etc. You could even get him to go and check a few times, open the fridge door or go to the fruit bowl, are those really green grapes or red grapes? I usually find turning anything into a race (me 'against' ds) works well! Limit it, it gets old fast! But your little lad has been home longer than mine so I am sure you know all this already.

Best wishes.

[SunshineAndShadows]

Hi Trinny, it does sound as if he might be anxious. I'd be tempted to over cook and the bring food to the table to serve. So there's always more sitting there in front of him and it's not a case if he just has the portion in his plate and needs to be worried or ask for more. E.g make a big shepherds pie and veggies etc. put slm the dishes on the table and help him to serve himself, alongside other family members. The visual presence of the remains of the pie, veggies, etc alongside your verbal reassurances of "eat what you have, there's plenty more if you want it" may reassure him.
Also use conversation at mealtimes as a distract it to flow his eating. Don't focus on food but instead say "hi DS, I thought about swimming in Saturday - would you like to go? Or instead we could okay football - what do you think?" Try and get him to focus on positive, non-food activities and engage with you. Even a simple "which film do you want to watch this afternoon?" Etc. this may help him to relax and distract from the frantic eating, whilst forming positive associations if good and adult interaction

[Kickassandlollipops]

Hi , apparently playing slow soothing music can help slow down fast eaters, it's sort of the same principle when driving , fast music equals fast driving .

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Thanks for latest input, helpful.

Yes we do lots of this already, we talk over mealtimes, stop for a drink etc.

Having made the decision to stop mentioning it to him, it feels so much more relaxed and better. Like someone said, we don't insist he finishes food, although 80% of the time he does. Over last few days, I've given snacks if he's asked too.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

The only time I don't give snacks to DD is if we are going to be sitting down to eat in the next few mins. Otherwise if she is hungry, she has to eat, otherwise she is unbearable.

We're working so hard to get her to eat well at meal times, but that's work in progress, so in the meantime even though my mum thinks we're mad and will never get her to eat properly if we allow snacks we do make sure there is always a full fruit bowl and things like yoghurts in the fridge.

Why didn't you allow snacks previously?