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Attachment difficulty? Too early to tell? What would my next steps be?

11 replies

namesmayhavebeenchanged · 14/08/2014 19:16



I am four days into intros with a 9 mo girl. I'm a lurker but not a regular poster but have n/c anyway. I hoped people might be able to help me with something that's on my mind?

Everything is going really well. We have been mostly at FCs so far but ADD has been willing to play with us, let us feed and change her, give her her bottle etc since day 1, well minute 1 really. On day 2 we took her for a walk in the park and she was happy to be off with us away from FC for more than an hour. I carried her the whole time we were there and she didn't show any sign of being distressed. She doesn't seek out FC while we're in the house or show any signs of being uncomfortable to have all her care needs met by us when, let's face it, we're strangers really.

Which is really worrying me :( Since she's had one FC since she was just days old who took her home from hospital and we had been told her attachment was good I was pretty hopeful about it but I am now worrying that these are all signs that she is not at all securely attached.

So my questions are:

1) Is this worrying? Too early to tell?
2) If the answer to 1 is 'yes' or 'could be' what are our next steps? We are all set us to do lots of skin to skin and take care of all her primary care needs ourselves (or just me if necessary) but is there anything else we should do e.g. flag up to LA now etc?
3) what other questions should I be asking you all? What should I look out for?
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namesmayhavebeenchanged · 14/08/2014 19:41

For further info I think the house has been a busy one with other children of all ages. So she may just be used to having lots of people around. Or is that clutching at straws?

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RhinosAreFatUnicorns · 14/08/2014 19:58

DD was 10 months and very similar. Day 1 she called us mama and dada, and was happy to be with us. I was very naïve and saw it all as positive.

I would absolutely advocate skin to skin contact. I wish I had done that...In hindsight I knew very little. I did go through concerns about her attachment when she had been home a few months - attending a music class and her sitting on someone's knee - anyone but mine it seemed.

But now DD is very securely attached to us. She is a confident little girl who talks to anyone (rather like I did as a child) but always always looks to us for reassurance. I worked part time and spent lots of time with her and built that relationship up.

Talk to her FC, or your SW. Explain your concerns and take their advice. Good luck :)

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Nonnimouse · 14/08/2014 20:10

At 9 months, not all children will have developed into the normal "stranger anxiety" stage. So it could just be that your LO is a late bloomer, and not an issue with attachment at all. But it's definitely a good idea to do lots of attachment promoting activities, skin to skin, loving touch, massage etc... To be on the safe side.

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prumarth · 14/08/2014 20:14

Hi, our son also took being alone with us in his stride and even when he spent the day at our house, he seemed fine. However, I think that was because he saw us as temporary and always assumed that he would be back with his main carer before long. Now he has been with us a few months, I can see retrospectively how different some of his behaviours were then to now which tell me he actually wasn't as fine as we thought. For example, when I carried him around, he didn't protest and would engage in playful behaviour but it's only now I realise he actively clings to me with arms round my neck whereas he was more passive during intros. Also, he would get a lip tremble occasionally which has vanished. He would also play with us, but really touchy feely behaviour like shoving food into my mouth or fingers in my ears have only come out more recently! I can almost pinpoint the moment he realised he wasn't going back "home" to his fc anytime soon - he cried and cried and pushed our faces away if we made eye contact. This was swiftly followed by seperation anxiety if both myself and DH weren't together and in front of him.

I agree, keep sw in the loop so they can support you. I would also invest in a sling/baby carrier so you can keep them close once you are home.

Good luck!

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namesmayhavebeenchanged · 14/08/2014 20:27

Oh I love you guys! I have been fretting here thinking I'd get 'whoah that's SO weird!' Thank-you so much :)

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ChampagneAndCrisps · 14/08/2014 20:32

My niece is 18 months, she's not adopted, but she just goes to everyone so happily. We live 3 hours away, and she'll even come to us when we visit (a rare occasion). My SIL is a very sociable, happy person and I think my niece may just be the same.
Good luck with your baby

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slkk · 14/08/2014 21:38

Found this website last night after a 'challenging' day with our 3 year old. Some practical advice for babies.

attachmentdisorder.net/

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gymmommy · 14/08/2014 22:21

Hi. Same experiences here. We always say how strange it was that our DC just went off with us on an outing a few days into intros. Didn't get upset about leaving FC and never seemed to fret for FC when they came home. But once home we had very extreme behaviour. Now very securely attached. When we look back at photos what we thought was a placid little child looks like a scared little child compared to now. Took at least 10 months to get attached though and I felt like such a bad mother during that time and was pushed away a lot, like DC blamed me for everything but not DH. Now one week DC is a mummy's child and the next a daddy's but definitely feel loved. Best day ever was getting a proper hug for the first time as opposed to limp holding on.

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FamiliesShareGerms · 15/08/2014 07:52

DD was also remarkably happy to go off with strangers (us !) having had a secure attachment to her FC. But some of the early photos of her with us - in hindsight - do show a scared little girl.

We also had a huge moment of, well, grief from DD a couple of months into placement where (we think) she realised that the move was permanent. She was in my arms and sobbed and sobbed - I have literally never heard crying like it before or since. After then there was a distinct shift in her relationship with us - mostly positive, eg looking to us for reassurance if a stranger spoke to her; some negative eg playing up.

So... I wouldn't be worried right now, but do just keep your concerns in mind as the placement proceeds

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prumarth · 15/08/2014 08:36

Gym, that proper cuddle is lovely isn't it! When I first felt his little hands go round my neck and hold on tight it was wonderful. And this week we are getting big open mouth slobbery kisses!

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RhinosAreFatUnicorns · 15/08/2014 12:48

Here here to the first proper cuddle. I cried as soon as I left the room. That feeling that she truly wanted to hold me - a proper squeezy cuddle :)

Our latest heart melter is "mummy/daddy, me got something to tell you....me love you". She can get away with all sorts with that one.

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