BM questions - whats normal?

[Lookingforadvicethanks]

Hi just looking for a bit of guidance. We go to matching panel next Friday for siblings . The BM has given a list of questions she hopes we will answer and give her more information about us, our motivations to adopt, what we are looking forward to about having children, festivals we celebrate, the sort of holidays we have, food we cook, our religion if any, if we will talk to the children about their birth family and if we will support them searching for their birth family in the future. She also asked if we will keep their surname as a middle name in future.

We hope to met her before intro's but we have been asked if we will provide these answers in the next couple of days.

I'm really looking for info on if this is usual? If so should we answer all the questions etc. We have already provided a short summary about us that was given to her and feel that should be enough ????

Name changed for this post as want to ensure privacy but any help or advise for the many experienced adopters here much appreciated!!!

[odyssey2001]

I think it is a good way to show your child that you made an effort to make a connection with their birth family.

Answer only what you are comfortable with. I would avoid any questions about names. Get a social worker to intervene on that to explain it is about security and then it is not you refusing to answer but them stopping you from answering.

Good luck.

[HappySunflower]

Hmm... some of the questions are okay, but I fear that some could make you a bit easier to track down in the future.
My advice to you is to type out some responses, and run them past your sw before they are forwarded on. I would suggest you be vague in your response regarding choice of middle name- this isn't something I would have felt happy to do, as it would make a child quite easily identifiable in the future.

[Lilka]

Birth parents and adoptive parents asking each other a few questions is very normal, though it's usually only done during their meeting. I was actually given my DD2's birth mum's provisional questions before the meeting took place, which I think is much better practice than leaving it until the meeting itself to ask - because you have these questions on paper you have a couple of days to think through and draft your response, rather than being asked and having to come up with answers on the spot!

Answer what you feel comfortable answering. I advise not to give away anything which could help identify you. But assuming nothing you say is identifying, this could be very very helpful and reassuring for her, so I would try and answer everything you can comfortably answer without giving anything away. For instance, she might be worried about your motivations, because a lot of rumours get around among birth parent groups that adopters only want perfect children, they don't love children like birth parents do, they want objects and so on. I've seen it lot. But you can imagine if you were a birth mum whose kids were being adopted, that would be horrible and very worrying to hear. Religion is a very very common question, I think most birth parents (I know I would be if it was me) want to know if faith will play a part in how the children are raised.

You could perhaps tell her if you aren't going to keep their surnames as a middle name (and it's a very rare thing to do, so I hope the SW has prepared her for this), but obviously don't say what their middle names will be. I think (I am of course making massive assumptions) that her questions about what you will tell the children about her, whether you will talk about their early lives and whether you will support them if they search for her, are likely to be very important questions to her.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Exactly what odyssey says. Answer what you are comfortable with, let SW explain done of term can't be answered.

Have you agreed letterbox / any other contact terms yet? Just wondering if some of the Qs might be because she's deciding if she ought to send a Christmas card, or if an Eid card would be better, sort of thing?

[Lookingforadvicethanks]

Thanks all for the sensible guidance and helpful advice. You all make this board! You are always so generous and helpful in the time you give to us less experienced adopters and your efforts are much appreciated THANKS!

[bberry]

This seems highly unusual to me.... Questions from the bm before the match has even been approved, and answered in a tight timeframe? social workers should surely be handling these at this stage?....

[SoonToBeSix]

My best friend adopted siblings they kept their old surname as a middle name at the request of the oldest children age six and seven. They are now 13 and 14 and their middle name is very important to them as part of their identity. They do not use their middle name on social media. I wouldn't dismiss the middle name without giving it thought.

[Picklesontoast]

This does feel odd to have written questions before matching and outside of a meeting but we met BM a week ago and having had that experience would answer these questions as generously as you can without as others have said anything potentially identifying now or in the future. It must be hard when you haven't met but this could provide so much comfort to her and your children may also take a lot of comfort from these questions when they are older.

[Kewcumber]

Soontobesix - I don't know many adopters who dismiss anything without a great deal of thought, and the name issue is one which crops up regularly and is often fretted over greatly. If you look through the adoption topic you'll see several threads on it.

I am surprised this has come up before matching panel too - can you at least ask your SW why this has come up so early?

[SoonToBeSix]

Kew I didn't mean to imply the op would just dismiss it was in response to Lilka saying the op should maybe tell the sw she wasn't going to keep the middle names. I am adopted myself so understand first hand the importance of identity.

[Lilka]

I think you might have read my response in a different way than what I meant, Six. I would never suggest to anyone what they should do about their children's names unless they asked for my thoughts on it. Instead I had a different take than previous posters (who, very reasonably, suggest not to write back answers to any name questions) on whether or not birth mum's question could or could not be answered by the OP without giving any identifying information away.

If the OP was keeping the surname as a middle name, then for reasons of security unless this adoption was an exceptional case, she could not tell birth mum what she was doing, and so the question can't be answered

But if OP isn't going to keep surnames as a middle name, I wondered if it was in fact possible to answer birth mum's question with a gentle 'no we aren't going to do that' rather than leaving it blank. But OP I am NOT suggesting you should or should not answer this particular question, it's entirely up to what you feel comfortable with. I was just thinking that it could potentially be answered without giving away ID info. And absolutely I hope a good social worker would have gently told birth mum that it's a very rare thing to do, so a 'no' answer would not be so much of a surprise.

My views on name changing haven't come into this thread or my replies at all!

[SoonToBeSix]

Lilka I hope you don't think I was criticising you, I probably worded my post badly. I have read a lot of your posts and have a lot of respect for you.

[Lilka]

I'm sorry too Six, I definitely didn't word everything well either! I think we're probably pretty much on the same page