Attachment Disorder Advice

[DancingtheTittyTango]

The advice from foster Carer and social services is that if 3 year old cries and gets distressed at bedtime to be firm and not give in. No cuddling or sitting with them as this will feed into her disorder! She is only ok her 3rd night sleeping at her new home. Surely this can't be right? At one point she was physically shaking and wretching. How do you deal with children with AD?

[ghostisonthecanvas]

Disagree with them based on the fact it is her third night in a strange place. Is she seeking comfort from you or does she push you away? Does she discriminate who she seeks comfort from? Had she been diagnosed with attachment disorder? I think you need to find your own way. Perhaps 15 mins of snuggles and a gentle but firm goodnight. Nightlight maybe some gentle music. You are her forever mum. She needs to learn hugs and comfort from you, trust needs to be built up, you need to also trust your instincts, develop your own routine. How long was she with the carer for? Sorry lots of questions!

[lookingforsunshine]

I agree with you. Doesn't sound right at all. I am not an expert on ad. Sure someone else with knowledge will be along but I'd be inclined to go along with your gut instinct-especially so early in placement. If you want to stick to advice of ss/fc, I'd suggest following to try and lessen the pain for her:

*Lots of cuddles and hugs throughout the day. (Quite sure you do this anyway).

*Give her a special teddy to cuddle at night to 'remind her how much you love her'. Maybe tell her that you have given teddy lots of cuddles to give to her in the night...or something like that.

*Maybe get a soft toy that you can record a message into that says something like "Hello [insert name]. Sweet dreams!" As long as this won't confuse her.

*Maybe make her a simple little book with pictures explaining what happens at night time (like a social story-try googling-designed for people on autistic spectrum but can be great for adopted kids too). "My name is [insert name]. I live with my mummy and daddy. At night time I sleep in my pink bedroom. Mummy will read me a story then give me a big hug. Mummy will turn my night light on and say 'good night'. In the morning, When my alarm goes off/ mummy comes in the room, she will give me a big cuddle. Mummy will be so proud of me for staying in bed all night. ". Put a photo/ picture on each page to accompany sentences.
Read the story with her at at a set time each day.
Hope that makes sense!!

*If you do decide to cuddle her at night (think I would), maybe make sure you are in still in control-We are going to have cuddles until daddy has finished putting your sister to bed then its time to sleep".

[Kewcumber]

bonkers

Cuddle all you like.

But you may well find that she can;t take comfort from you as you are pretty much a stranger. Sitting on lap with child facing away not face to face worked well for us though there was a pretty grim early phase where he couldn't be comforted at all.

BEsides foster carers and sw won;t be there at midnight so who cares what they think.

[Kewcumber]

I have always said to DS "I will be here as long as you need me"

BEcause its true - not as long as you "want" me but defintiely as long as you need me. Control not important at this stage IMVHO, safety and security and dependability and trust are.

"I will not leave you to face your fears alone" is a worthwhile mantra to keep in your head when you are finding it hard to cope. And (again) IMVHO a much better mantra than "toughen up and learn to cope on your own".

[slkk]

We were told by fc that lo would only settle to sleep in our bed and ss said we should try this if we liked. In fact we put him in his own bed but I stayed with him til he slept the first night, the next few nights I sat next to his bed and then for the next few weeks sat in a chair in his room where he could see me. This worked for us an I now leave him though stay upstairs so if he calls I can reply with something like mummy's here, sleeping time now. I'm not an expert on attachment, just an adopter trying to build it! Ours is three as well and has been with us just over a month. Go with your heart. Good luck!

[ghostisonthecanvas]

How did it go tonight?

[Italiangreyhound]

DancingtheTittyTango can't bear the idea that to offer comfort to a child is 'giving in'. I am not an expert on attachment at all. Our birth dd struggled a lot at bed times and our adopted son does not. But he does need comfort at night sometimes.

Really feel it is right to go with your gut.

I did hear someone say they left kisses on the pillow for the child to get later if they needed them. That may be confusing but you could adapt. 'Let's both cuddle teddy now so if you feel sad/whatever in the night you can cuddle teddy again and think of mummy.' Maybe

Good luck.

[Islagiatt]

Oh my word!!

I am not an expert, but adopted mum to three. Your child has been pulled out of the only world she knows, put in a strange house with strange people and then when she gets upset you have been told to ignore her. Give me strength and a big dose of reality for social workers.

You should do exactly what you think you should do, which is be very (very) calm and soothing and gentle, and if she will let you, hold her and soothe her, and then hold her and soothe her some more. She will be absolutely terrified with no logical understanding of where she is or what is happening. I get so cross with social workers giving bad advice. No matter how much you know she is in the right place and want to give her love and a forever home, she can't understand that the lovely people who took her to the park last week whilst she happily lived with her foster carers have now taken her away from everything safe she has ever known. No wonder she is scared, wouldn't you be?!

Prepare yourself for months/years of her being unsettled. The only advice I can give is do what you think is right. The post about sitting on knee is good, but even that may be too much so try to hold her hand and stroke it and work from there.

Get a visual timetable if too young to understand, and put on pictures of food, bath, story, lullaby song, bedtime and keep to it religiously. Above all else let her know what is going to happen every day at bedtime until it becomes not scary. And then do the same with the rest of the time. Keep repeating calm soothing sounds, just like a mum with a new born baby would.

Sorry for long post. Not really an expert, but have wonderful hindsight (which is what all adopters gain!).

[KittyOSullivanKrauss]

I know quite a bit about attachment theory from my work. I don't think the term 'disorder' is helping here. Her attachment behaviour makes sense under the circumstances. She's trying to survive. Bedtime signals separation and is frightening for many children, and your DD hasn't had chance to build up a relationship with you yet. You're quite right to question such bad advice, sounds like they know nothing about attachment. I won't bore you with any technical geeky jargon because you've had some great advice on the thread from experienced adoptive parents (who sound very expert to me). Good luck.

[DancingtheTittyTango]

Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice. I'm actually asking for my sister who has recently adopted. My instinct was to ignore their advice and to calm, reassure and stay with her new DD until she felt safe enough to sleep but the FC was adamant she must leave her to cry!

Can anyone point me in the direction of good resources I can show my sister to help her understand and develop her daughters attachment? Thanks everyone x

[WhatKatyDidToday]

Attachment disorder is complex and it comes indifferent guises- ambivalent/disorganised/ etc etc reassurance and comfort are SO important. The child needs to learn to trust you and understand that you love her. This might take might take months or years. Great advice on here already, but trust your instincts. Leaving her to cry only teaches her that no one cares. Good luck, I have so much admiration for you

[ghostisonthecanvas]

Dan Hughes is a wonderful start. He has written several books. Browse Amazon to see whats available. Dan also comes over here for seminars. BAAF have lots of information too. Hope thats enough to get you started. Congrats to your family. It was important to me to have someone non judgemental to talk to. Parenting an attachment disordered child is very hard and lots of people don't understand. Your sister is going to need your support always. This doesn't go away, it takes years of love and care. Thank goodness for families like yours.

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

Yes yes to Dan Hughes. He is the best.

Absolute rubbish advice from ss and foster carer. I second the advice if dc can cope with the closeness I would be lying down with her to sleep, in fact if she can cope with the closeness I would be sleeping all night with her for many years but I know some people will disagree

[64x32x24]

I agree with everyone really, but one thing I'd point out, just because IMO your sister should 'be there' for her DC, she shouldn't expect to actually be able to soothe the child. She'll have to accept that though she may wish to be a source of comfort, for now she is possibly a source of anxiety to the child.

But as Kew said, being there in order to 'not let the child face the demons alone', should be enough for now.

The only reason to do differently IMO is if DC actually has an 'attachment disorder' diagnosis and is in therapy and therapist says to do this. Which is unlikely on several levels. Even then, I'd want to talk to the therapist to find out what it is all about.

[PoloMintCity]

Sorry, but it sounds like the FC knows jack - leaving a distressed child to cry will make it MORE likely they will develop attachment issues IMO. Cuddles and reassurance are the way to go. Yes, it may take longer but the result in the long run will be a happier, more secure child. Also another Dan Hughes fan here! Dan Siegel's whole brain child book is also good for supporting good brain development in all children. Hope it all works out for your sister