My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Any Christian adopters out there (or any religion really)?

15 replies

Italiangreyhound · 20/07/2014 15:34

Any Christian adopters out there (or any religion really)?

We are Christians and for the past 5 years have gone to a small free church.

Now we are changing church, going back to the good old C of E because they have three children's groups and lots of kids. If we were to stay at our current church there would be just two groups, one with two older children and the other with our two kids, new adopted ds (by then aged 4) and birth dd (aged 9) in the same group with no other kids and just a teacher.

I spoke to our minister today (I had already emailed him to warn him we would be taking the kids to a new church and he must realise that in time we will switch our membership too, we have hinted at this but not for now). He understands but does feel disappointed.

He feels that the church needs a 'seed bed' of families to do children's work. But I feel we have been that 'seed bed' for the last two years when dd was in a group with just one other child and there was just one other family with young kids.

Over the two years we have run a Holiday Bible Club and run a monthly group for kids, as a church - lots of other people with me and dh involved and dd attending. Lots of kids came but they were either part of other church families or were non-Christian families and did not really want to go to church. So Sunday mornings there was a group for kids but not many children came. I feel in order to get something going a church really does need more than just one family! I also feel that for me, as a mum to two young children they must be my priority, and what is best for them.

At our new church (which I have been involved in before) about a dozen people know ds is adopted (as they knew me before) but most people do not. It feels good to go somewhere where he is not one of only a handful of kids and where most people will not know he adopted.

DS does not know many kids so this is a chance to get him to know families with kids and to join in activities which are often fun and are very close to where we live. We have also been to cafe church etc there already and the Toddler group so he does feel very at home there.

Does anyone have any experiences of navigating all this with adopted child, please?

Anyone else have experiences of changing church or church with adopted children they would be willing to share (or of other religions), please?

OP posts:
Report
Italiangreyhound · 20/07/2014 15:37

PS I am not even sure DS would see it as changing church as we have always gone along to activities at the other church and we will continue to do fun activities if our current (soon to be old) church puts on things for kids. The only difference for me is that I can be involved in helping as much as DS is my priority and if he is not happy I would have to leave so cannot be 'in charge' if that makes sense! So far he has loved everything and with dh around too it is just a family thing to go along to kids groups. He even chose DH to go into Sunday group with him today which is very positive.

OP posts:
Report
Italiangreyhound · 20/07/2014 16:05

I should say we do not leave DS at any groups at church. He has only had a trial at preschool for three hours (twice) so far and been left with grandparents, once for 15 minutes and once for three hours when we had a meeting with attachment specialists (yes, I know, ironic!). So the church experiences are all very much part of being a family together, today it involved eating ice creams and going on an obsicle course so we are not talking deep theology!

OP posts:
Report
Choccyjules · 20/07/2014 22:38

As you know we are not matched yet but when I'm at church I sit there wondering how a new child is going to take to it all. We've recently moved from a big church with 60 under-fives to a little one with only 15 kids under 10 and I think this will be less scary and big. So actually the opposite to you! but then our situations and reasons for moving are not the same.

To answer a bit of your question however, I was in a situation at a church years ago where I felt it was all give and no take (ie no receiving of anything teaching-wise, support-wise, fellowship-wise) and stuck it out so as not to jump ship. This time, different decade, different town, after a year of unhappiness I jumped. What I'm saying is it sounds like you have made the move thoughtfully in your childrens' interest and there's nothing wrong with that, especially as DS is so newly placed. So your minister is obviously sad to see you go but has to (and sounds like he does) accept it.

Report
fasparent · 20/07/2014 23:05

Have seen many placements over the years from many national's, feel same should apply on placement too all as too recommendations regard's too allowing children too form attachments, lot's of cultures have different family environment's , some very large, some parents may find it difficult accommodating this.

Report
Italiangreyhound · 20/07/2014 23:27

Thanks Choccy it's good to feel that others have been in the same boat. We stayed for a long time but things did not change, no one's fault, but kids do need other kids (normally).

Hi fasparent, sorry but I don't know what you mean, feel free to pm me if you prefer.

OP posts:
Report
fasparent · 21/07/2014 02:05

No disrespect regards your post we both attend church have since we were children and all our children.
Have experienced some intro's where the parents of different cultures express concerns, regard's too how difficult it will be too limit relatives contact due too their large extended family's and religious' culture's for a period of time which may effect their attachment's, some even wanting too be even included in intro's. Of course was never allowed.
All worked out well though, some are still in contact with us send us updates and photo's.

Report
JellyTipisthebest · 21/07/2014 05:15

Not an adopter but sometimes you just have to put your kids first, maybe more so with adopted children. We recently moved and chose a church that had a good youth program as are children will be teenagers before we know it. The kids work isn't that great but is ok. The church does a lot in the community with families which is great.

We didn't choose the bigger church with 2 services as they didn't seam to be any teenagers or any info to suggest that there was any. We didn't want to settle somewhere knowing are kids would want to go somewhere else in a few years time.

I know you don't go to church for what you can get out of it but there are sometimes in your life when that is a good place to start. Having a new adopted child is definitely one such time

Report
Italiangreyhound · 21/07/2014 09:20

Yes faparent understand now. We are British and have a small extended family who are not very involved but when little one is dedicated (a bit like infant baptism but without water!) they will be invited.

Yes elly good point. Our church has no youth work so when dd, almost 10, reaches teens there will be no where for her to go. I feel very sad about this and I have tried to help. Ultimately I must think of kids, I cannot do otherwise at this crucial time. In 9 brief years dd will be an adult and decide for herself long before that!

OP posts:
Report
Italiangreyhound · 21/07/2014 09:20

jelly not elly!

OP posts:
Report
lovehopejoy · 21/07/2014 16:20

Hiya, sadly no advice to give but will be eagerly awaiting the advice you receive! We are in stage 2 and currently attend a small independent free church. Sadly there have been some changes recently meaning several families have left. We are left with 1 x8mth old and x2 very occasional 5&7 year olds. We're hoping for a 0-2 age child. I can see that we may have to move on, but for now I really feel that I need the support of my church family, but there are no toddler /parent groups and I can see that I may need that in a few months (years maybe?!)....such a challenge. Really reluctant to leave the familiar, but if it is what is right for little un so be it. Just trusting he'll guide us when the time comes.

Report
Italiangreyhound · 22/07/2014 01:48

lovehopejoy thanks for sharing. I waited until I knew the age of our little one before I really started to think and waited until he was here before we began to think seriously about a move.

A toddler group is something that happens in weekdays and so you may well find another church or a secular group that runs one. I might have considered running something at our church but the problems we had are that our church does not have it's own building so storage is an issue (there is none!) and as our congregation is mostly elderly it was not going to be possible to run something easily. I knew as a new mum to a little boy I would not be able to run something because if my new little one 'kicked off' I would not be able to be in charge of a group and caring for my little one!

I had tried in the run up to the adoption to get stuff going and to support what was already going on but really no new children appeared for Sunday mornings.

I feel when kids are little it is not so much of an issue, they are quite happy with very little but as they get older they need more 'things'/'people' to make church work for them. This is just my humble opinion.

The key thing I would want to see in a church if I were going to choose it would be a group that works for the age my child is at now and a group for he next stage up, that is just my opinion. Good luck.

OP posts:
Report
Italiangreyhound · 22/07/2014 01:57

PS lovehopejoy we have not yet left our church and don't plan to formally leave for a few months. We also wanted to be supported by church and to in a way 'pay back' the prayer and care that had been put into us over the years we were preparing for this. We had regularly updated church on our experiences and they had faithfully prayed for us.

I am not sure how explicitly I told church that if no new children appeared we would need to leave. In one sense I feel a little guilty that I did not spell it out, but in another sense I feel I should not have to. The leadership could have asked me, how do you feel that the Sunday School is so small, how are you coping with that, they did not. And I am not sure they could do anything to change things.

Perhaps a small church really does need to look at what it spends its money and time and energy on. Is it shoring up the work already going on or branching out into new things.

I feel we have been in such a small church now for so long that even if the tiny Sunmday School were to double, treble or even quadruple (to the amazing number of 8!) I would still feel it is time for a change. I feel incredibly guilty about this but also in a curious way not guilty!

Many churches in our area are getting together to work together and the more that can do that maybe they can share the work and share resources.

I have chosen to continue to be a member, to continue to be involved in a non-Sunday children's event and to be art of a house group - all for the rest of the year and maybe some for longer.

My only thought lovehopejoy is that if I had my time again I would spell out more clearly to the leadership what I needed for my family and do it in a loving way, explaining that I knew they may never be able to give it but just to be sure that I had made myself clear. I am not sure I did that but as I say, I am not sure they would have expected me to. Hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
Report
Italiangreyhound · 22/07/2014 01:59

part not art!

OP posts:
Report
have4goneinsane · 22/07/2014 03:36

2 years after our children were placed we moved, which therefore involved a church move. We went from a church with a huge children's work programme (200-ish kids) to one where there were 8 kids and ours were 3 of them and were the oldest.

Numbers are still small - about 10-15 these days and most of the kids are under 6, our 10 and 11 yr olds are the oldest by a couple of years. It's been hard at times and I know we need to start thinking about the teen years (and I also know that we will have to start running something at some point) BUT in so many ways it has been fantastic for our boys:

  • they are still filling in 'gaps', stuff that they missed out as pre-schoolers - being in kids church with little ones allows them to do some filling in


  • everyone in our church knows they are adopted and (more importantly) that they have behavioural quirks - they accept our kids as they are and because it is a small church they have been able to feel safe and build relationships with adults outside our family. There is always someone to keep an eye out for them. (and for us, we get fabulous support!)


  • things can flex to adapt to individual needs - this was something that hadn't been possible at our previous church


  • as well as carrying on in kids church DS1 and DS2 have started helping on the church rosters - DS2 has always been fascinated by the sound desk and is now on the roster to help with that - the 2 guys that run it know him well and know what his ADHD and ASD look like (although I'm not sure we've ever spelt it out) and are great at working with him. This gives them a connection into the wider church beyond children's work and a purpose for being at church


So, I guess in summary I'd say that a small church can have a lot going for it and that I'd be less worried about what kids church is on offer than about being clear where God wants your family.
Report
Italiangreyhound · 22/07/2014 08:40

Thanks have4goneinsane that is very helpful and certainly put things in perspective for a small church, they can be brilliant.

When we started going to our present church it was a small church of about 120 (I would guess) and the children's group was about 12 and dd was the youngest. She loved the other kids and very much felt apart of it all. We had come from a church of 500 plus with literally hundred of kids and youth where dd (birth child - a bit quirky too) which dd seemed to find harder to fit into. She is not a person who likes being up the front doing actions! So for us coming to our church was great and we got to know a lot of people.

It sounds have4goneinsane that your church and children's work is growing. That is good. Ours has gone the other way despite the church doing all it can to grow the work. It can be quite disheartening.

In our new church there will be a handful of kids DD's age but most significantly for us at the moment there will be lots of kids ds's age and I feel he needs company. At the moment he is very much the only preschooler or primary aged child who comes regularly (apart from dd).

Maybe you could tell me how your church has increased its children's work. We have tried a lot but it doesn't work on Sundays only on week days. Feel free to pm me.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.