Couple of opinions for a newbie please

[tametortie]

We have an initial meeting on September 11th. I feel really nervous and worried that the social workers will find a way to stop us adopting. There are a couple of things initially worrying me and I would appreciate an opinion from those that have been through the process as to whether they will cause an issue for us...

1. we have had LOTS of fertility treatment. We are at the end if the road with this for certain but we still have money on a credit card from it. Like more than 8 grand. We pay more than the minimum and have spare cash at the end if the month- will this be a problem?
   
   
2. DH has raised my DD since she was 1. They are mega close, she adores him and calls him dad. She also has contact with her bio dad and we all have a good relationship. I know some people wouldn't agree with my DD calling DH dad but it was her choice and in her mind, he is. Will this be looked at by the social workers? I would feel terrible if their relationship was analysed because it might upset DD.
   
   
3. I have no contact with my dad. Haven't done for 15 years. Will I have to divulge lots if info on this? Nothing terrible happened- I just don't like his wife!!
   
   I have an awful feeling they will just want to pick my life apart!! I'm sure they don't but I need reassurance because I'm talking myself out if doing this...!!

[Velvet1973]

Hi, I'm definitely far from qualified amongst so many experts on here as still in stage 2 myself.
I'm not sure on the debt really as we started out with similar amount to you but have managed to clear it now. They need to know you'll be able to manage when on adoption leave and if you needed to take extra time off.
Regards DH and dd I would personally see it as a positive, she's quite at home with having 2 dads and embracing that is not dissimilar to adoption.
They will expect you to go into great detail about pretty much everything in your life so you need to be as open as possible. They won't make any rash decisions based on 1 relationship.
Good luck!

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi Tamtortie, honey, remember me from the other thread?

I wrote a long essay and lost it! I basically said what TheFamilyJammies said!

I also said they won't and cannot pick your life apart. They just want you to be honest and they want to make sure you are a safe pair of hands for a new baby or child to come into. They need to know that skeletons will not fall out of your family closet and land on said child. By that I mean that a blow up in the family due to relations (e..g your dad) will not create fall out for your new child.

I think social workers are all about minimising risk while maximising chances for these vulnerable children to find new families. So the probing questions are to make sure you have a stronger enough character/marriage/family unit to withstand the arrival of a grieving or troubled child and not fall apart on them. Anything in the family like broken relations might add to the strain of this but of course if you can talk about all that has happened etc you can put their minds at rest.

We have a birth dd (aged 9) and new adopted son of 3. It has been all worth it. God Bless.

[tametortie]

Hello Italian!

Congrats on your DS- what lovely news! How is it all going?

Feel relieved with the answers here. I guess the key is honesty. I do have a bizarre complicated family with fallouts over the years but in fact my dd knows little about it all so I suppose that shows I am doing my job!

We are going to plod on to clear the debt. Infertility is expensive!!

[CloserThanYesterday]

We have got a similar amount of credit card debt and were recently approved. We just had to show that we had a plan to clear it and had enough money coming in to cover adoption leave.

Not sure about the other issue, but everything I've seen of the process so far makes me think they would see this as a positive!

Good luck

[CloserThanYesterday]

Sorry, meant number 2 would be seen as a positive. And number 3 - they're not expecting perfect families! As the others have said, they'll look at how you cope with problems, not the issue itself if that makes sense.

Do be prepared to discuss it all in some detail though. Your SW will need to know you well enough to make case for you being suitable adopters. Don't worry - ours made it actually quite an enjoyable experience chatting about ourselves, and dealt with any sensitive issues really carefully.

[tametortie]

Thanks closer

The whole issue with my dad is sorted in my head- it is a worry about how it looks to an outsider. I cut him off at 18 to protect myself from his mind games and his alcoholic wife and it turned out to be an excellent coping strategy although perhaps not the bravest but at 18, I felt it was a grown up decision to make.

This resulted in lots of turmoil for me for a few years, fall outs with my mum and then I got married to the wrong person very young I suppose it's all good life experience and has taught me to communicate both ways with my dd, talk and listen rather than just dictate.

I suppose social workers just want to see how I have become who I am??

[Italiangreyhound]

yes *Tamtorite, how you have become who you are but also have you have coped and moved through issues/problems as this will give an indication of how well you will cope in the future. And cutting yourself off from a destructive relative would hopefully been seen as protecting yourself, which is a very good thing to do.

[Moomoomie]

Social workers will want to see how you cope with adversity, how you have become who you are etc.
IMHO they like to see that you haven't spent your whole life wrapped up in cotton wool with no stresses. Life is not like that and life is certainly not like that with an adopted child.
Be honest and be yourself.
Good luck.