Sibling group or individual

[birdandbee]

My partner and I are meeting with the Social Worker next week for the first time....

We'd like to adopt 2-3 children- I'm sure that practically, financially and best for the children if they are a sibling group.... But what is Social Workers general consensus on this?

I just want to get abit of a feel of what I should say when we are asked about our preference
Do they prefer you to adopt a sibling group if you would like more than 1??

[Italiangreyhound]

Good luck birdeeandbee I can't offer much advice as we adopted one as we already had one child but if we were adopting with no kids I would almost certainly have gone for a sibling group. I knew before I had kids I wanted more than one and having only one bc meant I really wanted to adopt BUT I agree with TheFamilyJammies that two or more is not for the faint hearted!

I now have two and although dd is a birth child who has been here for 9 years she has struggled with jealousy and behavioural issues (small) since ds arrived. Not all sibling groups will get along, or have even been fostered together, some will be full siblings, some half siblings and they may have had quite different experiences. So it does present more potential problems etc.

However, the one real benefit I can see is that in some way you are dealing with roughly the same family story and background (although as I say some may be half siblings so there will possible be different people in the mix). I can see that as a family having the same family story may be helpful but ultimately you can decide this down the line.

Your social workers may advise one or other option. If you feel strongly now that you would like a sibling group I would make it known and then be prepared to show that you have thought through all the issues, and got experience of kids and done all you can to be ready for it.

Best of luck.

[RaisingSteam]

I think there are a lot of groups of 2 placed but more than that they would want to see a very good support network. Only going through one assessment process and having complete family in one go is a big plus, as is the fact they have their sibling to grow up with, as long as relationship is reasonably positive. That will depend a lot on their dynamic, family history, were they fostered together etc?

The thing to remember is they will each need a lot of one on one attention from you/your partner (more than a birth child typically) so you need time and space/supporting people to achieve this, as well as family together time.

Because we were prepared to take a group we found ourselves with much younger children than we initially expected, one a baby which was lovely.

I would be open to it, like many things in adoption you can change your mind right up to matching. You will get lots of other questions like could you cope with certain special needs and can also say "Maybe, it depends" to those.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

One thing SW like to hear is "we have had thoughts, but want to discuss with you what you think might be best". If you genuinely don't know whether to look for a sibling group, be clear about this and seek their advice. This is much better than going in with a preconceived idea that they then disagree with...

[mrsballack]

We have a sibling pair and despite them being relatively uncomplicated (having no apparent major problems at the time of placement) it has been tough. We swung between siblings and a single a few times during placement and never really stated either way until they found us sibling pairs. The main problem I've found was that trying to build attachments with two children at once is tough. Mine are very jealous of each other and will fight if one or the other is getting more attention. I was lucky in that my DH was able to take an extended leave and so ds' primary attachment was to DH (he showed a strong preference to men in general) while dd's is to me. We are less than a year in to placement and so the attachments are there and getting stronger to both of us. On the other hand, they are easier in some ways. They reassured each other very much in the early days, almost having their own little language at first and they play together so I can nip off to, say, wash up easier. Just our experience for you to think about

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

We adopted siblings 7 years ago, they were 8 and 2.5 at the time.

Do not underestimate the shock to your system of going from no children at all to 2 (or more). The older one was very aware of everything so I was under pressure to be a visibly good mum from day one. (Not like with babies where they don't notice if you screw up!).

It was much harder bonding with DD1 as she was at school, and then when she wasn't her little sister was around needing attention and care.

The sisters have a lovely relationship, and I am sure it is nice for them that they have each other, given how much they have lost.

The big age gap has not been a problem. It gave DD1 a chance to do things with DD2 that she had missed out on in her early years. Out and about it has always been fine (especially zoos). It was harder to play board games, and museums need an adult each and whistle stop visits before DD2 gets bored.

It has been good only having one basic life story to talk about, and one set of contact letters to do, and no conflict that one gets replies and the other doesn't. (And of course only one home-study etc.)

We never thought we would end up with 2 girls(!) but it's been great.

Best wishes on your journey.

[redfishbluefish]

DH and I originally intended on going for a pair, but halfway through the home study we realised that for us, actually, one made sense. We decided we would go for a second later on if it made sense. With DS home now for several months, I can say that we definitely made the right choice-for us. We did not have loads of experience with children beforehand, and as noted above, it is a real shock to the system to suddenly have, in our case, a toddler running around. I am the primary carer and for me, it has been great being able to focus on just one child.

Good luck on your journey-you'll figure out what feels right when the time comes.

[Chicklette]

My partner and I recently adopted 2 very young siblings. I wouldn't change them for anything but I would agree that it is very difficult to build attachments when you have more than one child at the same time. They have been home just over a year and I am feeling like the attachment is there but it has taken a lot of work! In my experience, it also takes longer for the kids to attach to the parent who is not their primary carer as well. With one child you just have so much more emotional and practical time to plough into them. With two or more it's much harder to really loose yourself in an activity with one as the other one also needs your time.

However, when I see the bond and attachment that they have with each other, it makes me feel so happy and I really hope they with have each other to rely on throughout their life

[birdandbee]

Thank you for all your replies... Most helpful in weighing up the pros and cons.

[wanttosinglikemarycoughlan]

I think it is important to read some stories and literature around sibling adoption
IMO it is not always in the best interests of the children. This is recognised by some SW but not all
It is a very cheap and ??easy option for the cash strapped LA
Have a read about the trauma bond and perhaps look on AUK
If trauma has been part of the history it can be difficult for siblings placed together to move on from it.
If you do decide to go for a sibling group make sure the agency is willing to give ongoing support

[disneygirl10]

I have an adopted ds and birth dd so not the same but juggling both their needs was hard. Even with a big age gap and a secure birth child.
My friend adopted siblings having no children before and has found it extremely hard. She said going from none to two children was very hard emotionally and practically. After a 2 1/2 years things are starting to settle down for them but they have both been extremely jealous of each other and attachment has been difficult. But they do have a good bond with each other.
Although they are sisters they have quite different life stories the older one remembers a lot the younger one was in foster care since birth.
I think it can work well but you will need to ensure you have good support.

[Angelwings11]

We were approved for a sibling group and actually only went onto adopt one. It is not something that I ever regret, in fact I am very glad that we did just adopt AD. The amount of one on one etc that was needed in the first year, to build trust, a bond and the building blocks to attachment may have been hindered if she had been placed with a sibling. That is not to say, that some siblings groups may thrive when placed together. I suppose it is down to if there is a trauma bond, age etc.

[Floraclare]

I remember being taught that twins are far more than twice as hard and that triplets are a major cause of psychopathology. Add to this the extra complications of adoption and I think adopting a sibling group could be incredibly difficult and stressful - and I decided that one was definitely the best thing for me. My experience so far has been very positive and I've been able to spend so much time concentrating on bonding with AS - and although it has been hard work, it has been easily manageable and lots of fun.

However, I think if you have the energy, a very good support network, especially if partner can also take time off - and also if you could cope financially if you couldn't return to work due to needs of child, it could be the right thing for you.

Overall, I would definitely consider what you have to offer and could cope with, rather than trying to create your instant dream family. Hope this makes sense, my dream family would have been much bigger and I think part of the adoption process involves letting go of your dream family