How do you know?

[lunarfalls]

NC for this because it may not come to anything...

I am in my 40s, married, with 2 bc (11 and mid teens) and thought my family was complete. But I keep getting this niggling feeling that I want to look into the possibility of adoption. For the past few months I've been lurking here with some regularity.

I have raised it in passing with my DH in a "I can't stop thinking about it" kind of way, expecting him to dismiss the idea out of hand. But he didn't. In fact he asked some really hard but sensible questions about all kinds of things - impact on our bc, whether we want to 'start again' with the really hard work of parenting a younger child (not baby) who would have additional needs, whether I had thought about fostering (we have a couple of friends who are foster carers.)

Am I mad to consider it?

On the plus side: we are pretty solid as a family, bc are healthy, resilient, pretty adaptable. I am a qualified teacher (primary) and have worked with children with additional needs including LAC and newly adopted children and have done training on attachment disorder (2 full days by excellent outside agency.) DH works with teenagers requiring additional educational support for a range of reasons. I don't think we've done a bad job with the bc, who are happy, quirky and settled with friends and at school.

On the negative side: we're in our mid 40s. DH is basically fit and well with a couple of minor issues. I'd need to lose a hell of a lot of weight, and have had anxiety and stress in the recent past (solved by leaving an awful job after several years, and going part time in a much happier environment). I also have a couple of health issues that are ongoing but not major as far as we know, although I am waiting for a hospital referral. Another negative: our bc are academically able (and I have an Oxbridge degree) and I wonder whether it would be assumed that we would have unrealistic expectations of a child coming into our family by adoption?

One of my DPs was adopted at birth in the 1940s and made contact with their birth family when in their 50s. That relationship is very positive and my DP maintains contact with their birth siblings and they have been very welcoming - amazing considering they had no idea they had an older sibling. I know it's very far from the circumstances of most adoptions now, but it has helped me to understand a little bit the value and significance of links with the birth family.

So I don't know what I'm asking really.

Does anything rule us out totally?
Should I stop watching tv shows and reading books about adoption?
Is it just my age? Might it just be because my bc are getting older and I unconsciously want (selfishly) to fill my nest again?
Should I lose some weight, get my diagnosis, and then see how I feel?

I am confused.

[lunarfalls]

Ooh meant to say, with work, I don't mean to suggest we're experts. Just that we not totally naive about the challenges and rewards we might face. God knows we'd be starting as complete novices and would need to learn a lot, and quickly!

[Aradia]

I'm no expert but you sound like ideal adopters to me, who have a lot to offer a child. Why not look into it further and get more information? There are lots of children out there who need loving homes.

[AngelsWithSilverWings]

I don't think anything rules you out. I now lots of adopters who wouldn't fit the mythical ideal of what you think social workers are looking for.

Just from my group of successful fellow adopters : Overweight , almost 50 , history of depression , estranged birth children from previous relationships, living in a tiny two bedroom house ( all things that people have mentioned on here as possible barriers to adoption).

The education thing made me laugh when we were asked during the process if we would have unrealistic expectations of an adopted child. I left school with a bunch of average 0 levels and two failures at A levels. DH left school at 16! ( although he did get 10 A grade O levels!)

You need to be as realistic about your adopted child's academic prospects as you are about your birth children's. Don't write them off but don't put unrealistic pressure or expectation on them either.

We ended up adopting an amazingly bright child and if he doesn't end up at a fantastic university we will have failed him miserably as parents! DD ,on the other hand ,really struggles but we will do everything we can to support her in achieving all that she can.

[RooCluckers]

It sounds like you have good insight into adoption and are being realistic. We were overweight and I had some health issues. We were told that it wouldn't stop us being approved to adopt but it might affect us if there were for example several couples looking to adopt the same child, it might put the placing adopter off from picking us. But to be honest everyone has their good and bad points!!

I was thinking when I read your post that some local authorities/adoption agencies have open evenings where you could go to find out more. We went along to our adoption agency and just had a chat at first to find out Koreans help us decide (some places are more helpful/welcoming than others so don't let anyone put you off). Also I read a good book they recommended called 'an adoption diary' by Maria James which I found really helped me think about it a bit more. Good luck with whatever you decide

[Lilka]

I don't think you're mad to consider it (otherwise I'd be totally insane!), and I think you're both asking great questions. Should you stop watching TV shows and reading books about adoption? - if you're considering it, that doesn't make much sense to me! If you find them useful, keep reading, I'm sure we could recommend a few good ones

From my perspective, the most important thing to be sure about first is that you absolutely want another child with all that entails. There often are other reasons you would want to adopt, but that's got to be the big driving force. Some people do choose to adopt when their BC are teens/young adults and to "start over". That isn't any more selfish than adopting when you're 30 and childless. I adopted my second child when my eldest was in her late teens for instance. As long as the reason you want to 'fill your nest' again is that you do really want to parent another child, and you aren't reacting to anxiety about what happens once your kids move out, and you're alone in the house with your DH. (peronally, I'm getting this now! I'm starting to wonder how to find my own person again and develop an identity that isn't largely defined by my parenting as my kids geet older. And there's a little part of me that just thinks another child would mean I'd carry on as I am now, which is great. But that doesn't mean it's the best idea for us all. I don't know, I'm grappling with it all!)

Nothing you've said rules you out. Your age shouldn't even be in the negative box! Mid 40's is a very normal age to adopt at, and it's only going to have a negative aspect if there's some reason your age would affect your parenting. Maybe you have a bit less energy that you used to for instance. On the other hand, maybe you feel that you have more patience or wisdom or useful life experiences etc, than you did when your eldest BC was born, and that would be a big positive.

Your weight may not be an issue, depending on exactly what it is, but trying to lose some would be a positive all the same. Waiting to get your diagnosis seems like a good idea

I seond the idea of going to an information evening if you think it might help you. Or/and a fostering evening if you're also considering that. It might help, you never know.

Confusion is pretty common IMHO. Given you're only mid 40's, taking a bit of time to think and find out more isn't a problem at all.

[Moomoomie]

Not much I can add to the great advice already given.
Go along to an information evening, they are very low key and no pressure, they leave it up to you to take it further if you want to. I have spoken at many info evenings in the past. I wish they had them when we were applying to adopt.
There is nothing to lose .
Best wishes and stick around here.

[lunarfalls]

Thank you everyone for responding.

Lilka I think you have hit the nail on the head: I need to work out if I want another child, or I want to put off the day when I'm no longer defining myself primarily as a parent...

I will carry on reading, talk to my DH again, start the diet in earnest (it gives me a reason!) and carry on lurking and reading here, and see what happens to the niggle.