Court date

[Mama1980]

Well it has all been remarkably smooth and straight forward it have a date Wednesday this week for dd2 s adoption to be finalised. No hiccups no nothing the ss report is glowing, dd is 8 months old and doing great. I love her so so very much. She looks to me all the time, she is ways in my arms, she knows I am her mama, I have no doubts at all. Her progress has been incredible I'm so so proud.
I'm ok just having another of my wobbles that I wish it were different just for a moment. Her bm has co operated totally, never fought never asked for her child. Maybe there truly is nothing left of the girl who was my friend, maybe the drugs really have taken every piece of her. But she's not a monster, she's done bad things there is a difference. The report ss did is so so damning and I know I do know she 'deserves' every word but I still want to just cry for my friend, the friend who once flung herself into stinging nettles when we were kids when I tripped so I didn't get stung.
My eldest dd raised by her bm until the ages of 8 suffered so so much at her hands and yet can see and understand more than she should it's not all black and white. She is glad I don't condemn Her bm and can tell her some good things.
I choose to see it that she has co operated because she know and wants what is best for her baby and that this is it, I have to cling to that maybe it makes me a fool but for my two dds sake I really believe that. Ss seem to think she did it because she couldn't care less and wanted free without a care, which she has of course. Wherever she is now she is totally free, any contact is court prohibited (complex legal issues) she would go to prison if she came anywhere near my eldest dd.
Urgh I don't even know what I'm trying to say, I miss my friend, I wish I could have done more, though I don't know how. I am happy but feel guilty too, I have everything she lost everything whether she knows it or not - I do and Just sometimes it still hurts.

[Italiangreyhound]

Mama your compassion for your friend is very clear. Do not feel guilty for anything you didn't manage to do. I do have any personal experience but I understand that some lives can become so chaotic that they really do not know which way is up and cannot change things. Not all people, but some. You are bringing up your girls in the most compassionate way and you are (IMHO) right to think the best of their birth mums, while also being honest about the facts and even in the way you speak.

Good luck for the next phase, you are a loving person who will sow seeds of love in these young lives and I am sure these birth mums would be proud of these daughters, save up your good and happy memories to balance all the other stuff, I am sure you are right when you say ... she's not a monster, she's done bad things there is a difference.

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry... I do not have any personal experience

[Mama1980]

Thanks for listening to me waffle Italian

[Lilka]

I don't know what to say except to repeat what Italian says - you have done nothing to feel guilty for, you have done your utmost best by your DC's. It isn't your fault that any of this happened, and of course you know that. But waffling/letting it out is a helpful thing IME so don't worry about that either

[Moomoomie]

Hopefully you feel better by letting it all out.
As adoptive parents I feel we put added stress and pressure on ourselves to always do and say the right thing.
You have done you absolute best for your children. I do feel that it was already too late for your friend, for you to be able to help her. But you have helped her, you have taken on her children as your children, so there will always still be a little piece of her in your lives.
"There but for the grace of God, go I"
I have always thought of that when I think of my girls BM. She made mistakes, she took the wrong path in life and her addiction was more important to her than her babies, but she wasn't a monster.

[OurMiracle1106]

I think every birth parent has a story behind the reason they lost their child. I very much doubt many birth parents intentionally want to cause harm to their child in any way. That also doesn't mean that we can look after our children and give them what they need however it doesn't mean that we love our child any less. I went to court and backed the adoption order though I fought at placement because I honestly believe that it was for the best though it breaks my heart every single day that he's not here with me but I know they can give him so much more than me

[Mama1980]

Thanks all, I can't really talk about this all in real life, it helps to just write it out somewhere.
Yesterday went great, we are all signed and finalised.
I sat down last night and wrote my dd a letter, trying to put into words, how much I love her and also a few good stories about her bm. I just felt the need to counteract in a solid way the (I do know sadly also true) words written about her and her behaviour by the social workers and judge. My little girl was born addicted, FAS is a real possibility, someday she will have to know that, but I want her to know there is more to her birth mum than drugs, at least there once was. I may not ever give it to her, but it made me feel better to write it and have a little cry for my friend.

[Hels20]

You are amazing Mama1980. To just take on your friend's baby like that. You and others on here make me feel pretty inadequate sometimes - I was so worried about taking on a child with possible FAS. And yet so many of you do.

[Mama1980]

Thanks Hels but here's nothin amazing about me, we all just try to do the best we can don't we?
FAS is and can be such a difficult issue the uncertainty of it it's worst aspect I think. My youngest shows no signs at present but she did suffer withdrawal and neuro issues tremors etc. after birth.
So who knows what the future holds, but she's such a happy baby