Pregnant and giving up for adoption

[Ejstrut]

Hello,

I'm looking for some advice. I've recently found out I'm pregnant but I'm young and I am not ready to have a child or a family. However I feel strongly against abortion (for myself, I don't condemn anyone else who goes for that option), so I've decided with my boyfriend to go for the adoption route. I've grown up knowing so many people who couldn't have children and would have loved to have them so I feel like I could really help someone and make the most of my situation. I'm mostly looking for advice to tell my parents, they live abroad but I'll be seeing them for my brothers wedding and Christmas so I can't even hide this. I'm not close with my mum but I'd prefer to tell her rather than seeing the disappointment in my dad - does anyone have any tips or suggestions on how to approach the subject and break it to her?
Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you

[Mini05]

When you say young how young?
My sister was pregnant at 15 and to this day now 51 she still thinks about her son she never brought

[vdbfamily]

what will your parents most object to? Is it that you are pregnant or will they be upset that you plan to have the child adopted? I think you are doing an amazing thing which flies in the face of what most people would do in the situation. I would hope that once they have got over the fact you are pregnant, they will respect the fact that you have chosen to give the life within you a chance. There are so many different rules these days re adoption that you may even find you can find an adoptive family who would care for your child but still allow you to be part of their life so that you get to see your child grow up and they get to understand that you did care about them but felt too young to parent them.
re your parents,if they are abroad, could you write and tell them so you don't have to deal with their initial reaction but they get time to absofb the info privately before having to respond. Hope it works out ok. You are very brave.

[Mini05]

Up

[Italiangreyhound]

Ejstrut I am so sorry for this situation, which must be incredibly painful.

Please get some help and advice (maybe some adoption related counselling) before making your final decision if you have any doubts at all.

I cannot offer any advice as I have never been in your position but I would like to give my thoughts as an adoptive mum to a son not relinquished and as a birth mum to a daughter. Both my children are the light of my life and I believe giving up a child is a very, very hard thing to do.

Will the disappointment in your father's eyes be because you are not keeping the baby? I know in some countries and communities having a baby if you are not married would be something that could also cause problems and I am not sure if this is playing any part in your thoughts. (Which I do not personally think it should at all in this day and age but not all communities feel this way!)

If I can give an opinion, which you are totally free to disagree with.... Whatever feelings your family will have about your pregnancy or your thoughts on what to do, you must make a decision for yourself. Even the idea that you will help a couple who would love to have a baby, although that is very noble, should not play into your decision. Personally, I feel that even your boyfriend's feelings should not rule the situation.

In the future you and your boyfriend may go your separate ways and you must know in your heart that whatever you do, you do it totally for the right reasons for you and your child not because of any pressure from others (please do not take offence - it is easy for one partner to lead another along a path when both of you are young and maybe scared).

Do you really want to give up this child? If you are very sure of yourself then I think you may be able to access some guidance on how to talk about this and what to expect from one of the adoption related charities such as BAAF (British Association for Adoption and Fostering)

www.baaf.org.uk/info/pregnant

Thinking of you at this very, very difficult time.

[Ejstrut]

Thank you both for such kind words.

I've never really wanted children and I was on the pill (taken the same time every day for two and a half years with no issues til now). I'm 19 so I realise people have had children much younger and are amazing parents but I don't see myself as one. With my bad relationship with my mother is why I never want my kid to feel that way about me, she had me when she didn't want another child and I've always felt that throughout my childhood and it's majorly affected me.

My boyfriend would prefer me to have abortion but he understands that I would suffer more from going through that than the adoption route.

I have an appointment with my midwife appt on Monday so will talk to her as well but just wanted to her some other opinions and advise

[Singsongmama]

Didn't want to read and run...What a very brave decision. Good advice given above. Speak to midwife about proper counselling during and post birth - your emotions and thoughts are in for a real rollercoaster. Try not to set up anything "in stone" sand give yourself time to consider everything.

I totally understand your reasons for worrying about being a mum BUT you are not your mother and you'd probably be a very different parent as you're so aware of how you felt as a result of her parenting style/actions. I'm very conscious of how I grew up and strive to make DS's life different.

[Italiangreyhound]

Ejstrut well done for resisting the pressure to have an abortion when you do not want one.

I agree with Singsongmama, because you are not your mother and you'd probably be a very different parent as you're so aware of how you felt as a result of her parenting style/actions.

If you really, really feel giving your baby away is the best thing for all concerned please do get all the help you can to make this as smooth and considered as you can. You are very brave and I am sure someone will be delighted to parent your little child. All the information you can pass on, about yourself and wider family, medical etc and why you made your decision, will be very useful for your child and for the family who parent them. This will be true for the baby's father too. A record of your feelings about the pregnancy and about giving your baby up for adoption might help you in the years to come as you process this and passing on a copy of a this to your baby may be very helpful to them when they are older. I do not know. Please ask about this when/if you do meet with a professional. For example a diary or journal would help you in the future if you ever question your decision and would help your child know that this was a very well considered decision and any feelings you develop for your child so they know you cared even though you did not feel you were the best person to bring them up.

This must be your decision so do not give in to pressure from parents, boyfriend or anyone else. Stay strong and wishing you all the best from a very tough situation.

[Italiangreyhound]

This will be true for the baby's father too. I mean information for the baby about the father, medical info etc. as a parent to an adoptive child I may be asked ... does heart disease run in the family etc? And I may not know! Luckily, I do have medical info for my child so that is helpful. So anything you can pass on, for you or the baby's father will be useful.