Last minute nerves or a lot more?-help!!

[lookingforsunshine]

Hello,

My husband and I were recently approved to adopt a sibling group. We have been shown a profile that sounds great and could be a short time a way from adopting two children. I've wanted to be a mum for a long time.

I do not have a good relationship with my social worker. I say that, though I do not think she really has any idea how I feel. I thought she was a great social worker in the early days, then I read our PAR and was shocked. The report is totally biased towards my husband, she obviously considered me good enough to get through panel but I do feel that the report sounds nothing like me. I do not feel she knows me at all. Don't think she knows my actual strengths and weaknesses. I did challenge my concerns on draft report, she was pretty defensive and basically said that's her opinion and that is how I am. She agreed to change some bits but other bits wouldn't. She has never given us complete version of report. I feel worried about asking for it, draft was not nice reading. She protrays me poorly. The whole process has not been much fun mainly because of this. If I was sitting on panel, reading the report, I'd think, "what a shame he is taking adoption leave". I just sound a bit rubbish and that's not how I view myself.

In addition there are significant tensions in our marriage. My husband is not by nature a very supportive/ empathic man and maybe this process has just made all that worse. When the social worker says pretty judgemental things about me, I feel he is in a position to defend me a little but that's just not in his nature. I'm struggling. He does not seem to understand at all the impact all this is having on me. I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing.

I really don't know what to do.

I feel fed up when I think about what we've been through and sad to think that despite over a year long assessment, I come out looking pretty awful. (Though as I say, good enough to pass panel). I worry that maybe the relationship my hubbie and I have isn't strong enough. If we can't stay united, be there for each other through this, how could we manage children. It's so difficult. I wish I could see in to the future.

Please help.

[lookingforsunshine]

Sorry, to clarify, I meant to say, if I was on panel, I'd think, "what a shame he isn't taking adoption leave". I am due to take a year's leave. Hope that makes sense.

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

The process is rough, it's so personal. On your SW, it's really hard to swallow a report that doesn't feel quite right, but bear in mind that the point of it from your perspective is to get through the Panel.

It doesn't really sound like your SW and you have gelled, but if you try to just view this as a professional relationship and focus on working with her, then that might help?

Like I said, I know that's tough when essentially she is judging you. If it makes you feel better, my SW thought my wife could do no wrong.

On your husband, I can't say how things are between you, but if you've been wanting to be a mum for a long time, then you've probably been through a lot more than just your SW assessment, you've probably had years of stress and disappointment and that puts a huge strain on any relationship.

Becoming parents together is more stress again, but it can also bind you more closely together. From what you've said though, do you still want to parent with your husband?

Sounds blunt, but is that what you're considering?

[DwellsUndertheSink]

Firstly, put the report behind you. You are approved. You are considered a good match for two kids. WHo cares what her opinion is, because you are approved.

Having children changes the dynamic in a family. You will not know, nor will anyone else, how you will cope with motherhood. None of us know. You could turn into the fiercest, most loving, nurturing mamma bear.

Stop worrying about what your report says. Its just someones opinion. ANd its not stopping you getting approved or matched.

[silverlinings79]

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time :( But I just wanted to say that from everything I've been told it is very hard to get approved to adopt siblings, they look very carefully at the parent taking the year off to be certain they can cope with the demands of more than one child when the partner is at work. So despite your lack of gelling with your SW the fact they put you forward to a panel to be approved for one child or siblings means they must have pretty strong beliefs in your parenting ability and being approved by a panel means even more people do (whether it is for siblings or just 1) Have confidence that you would not be where you are if people's judgements on you were not good!!! I know of others where the SW has said they will not recommend a couple for siblings and your SW sounds like they would have no issue with saying what they feel and you certainly wouldn't be heading down the lines of a siblings match now if your SW didn't have faith in you, as they wouldn't entertain that idea. Don't worry about the details of your report too much, it's weird reading about yourself like that anyway!
As for your husband, this process has put a pretty big strain on our relationship and we have been through a lot worse and coped amazingly well with that prior stuff. We talk a lot and are pretty open with each other and as long as you can keep doing that I'm sure you'll be fine. But even expressing how u feel about how he behaves in a certain situation and how that upsets u may not mean he changes that behaviour because of who he is. Accepting that can be hard when you're frustrated (I'm learning this!) but you'll have got through a lot worse, so think of all the other things he does bring to your relationship where u can think do you know what he is not good at that but boy is he good at...!! (that's what I do and the list of good is miles longer) If you can then picture yourselves as raising those siblings together as a team, just treat this as a stressful and weird time (let's face it how many other non-adopting couples have to read a report about themselves!) that you'll get past and look forward to the future :) If not then you need to have a talk about your fears of what the future holds. But going back to my first point, don't have fear through lack of confidence because you have everything to be confident about! And remember being different to each other is a good thing because what he lacks you will bring to the table and vice versa and that is what will make you one pretty awesome parenting team!
I'm rubbish with words so hopefully that has come across how I meant it to sound....nice and helpful.

[lookingforsunshine]

Thank you so, so much to everyone who has replied so far. Every reply has been incredibly helpful. I was feeling particularly awful when I wrote that and reading replies has really helped.

We have been through a very long and painful journey to becoming parents (as many people going for adoption have) and I guess some parts of this have had real impact on us.

My hubbie and I deal with stress/ problems very differently. I like to talk things through while he is not a talker at all. He doesn't hold on to things. A balance between our two approaches would probably be ideal.

I do want to parent with my hubbie, my mind is just full of 'whatifs'. I don't want us to mess things up and in my mind it feels really awful to be arguing at this stage.

I just wish I could see in to the future.

Part of me wondered if we should ask for a little break--pull out from these two children(we are only just in showing interest stage) and take 3 months off. That could be nice. However that would cause lots of additional stress-explaining ourselves to all family/ friends/ work/ social worker. Further delaying becoming parents (although what's a few months). Somehow that feels the wrong decision. I feel so worried though.

I think another factor is that we've been waiting to become parents for so long /been through process that you do end up feeling like you have to be two perfect human beings/ have perfect relationship/ never ever have a bad day. Obviously that's impossible/ causes enormous pressure.

I wish I knew for sure that we would be good enough but I guess no parent knows for sure.

Sorry this is such a long post.

I've never posted before, never expected to get so much help from total strangers. Thanks so much. :-)

[silverlinings79]

I could have written your exact same words about my current situation! which means you're not alone but more importantly if we are feeling that, then people who've adopted have probably felt same way and are now happy parents without the need to look back, so the future is bright! Keep going and as everyone always says....it will be worth it in the end! :)

[lookingforsunshine]

It does help knowing I am not the only one feeling like this, thanks Silverlinings79. Fingers crossed we both start feeling better about it all soon. I plan on borrowing other people's belief in me. This weekend we were due to spend yet another weekend getting house ready- doing last minute DIY bits. Am considering booking us for a mini weekend away (its been long, long time since we went away-every penny we have we save for future children) and forgetting all work for a bit. We need to talk but we also really need some nice times.

[Thebluedog]

As others have said, put the report behind you. It's done and dusted now and once you have you LOs you can wave a happy goodbye to your SW. The future is a long time and your SW will only be in your life for a small period.

The important thing is getting a match that is best for you, your dh and the children. You may find you gel better with the children's SW, which on my opinion is far more important as he/she will be the person you ask all the questions about the children to.

As far as your relationship with your dh. There is no doubt that children will only vein more stress and strains to the relationship. I've no advice on this front really I'm afraid as I'm a single adopter, following the breakdown of my own relationship. But I also have a birth ds.

[LastingLight]

There is no such thing as the perfect couple or the perfect parent so don't worry about that. I do think the relationship between yourself and your DH is concerning. If you don't have solid, effective strategies in place to handle conflict and negotiate outcomes then you may struggle with parenting. Do you have the same general ideas on parenting and discipline? Sorry I'm not in the UK so I don't know how much of that may be covered by your pre-adoption preparations. Maybe taking a bit of time out is not a bad thing, but then you must have a plan of what you want to achieve during that time and seek help (maybe counselling) to achieve your goals.

[juneau]

I have no experience of adoption, but I'd just like to say that as a biological parent the upcoming birth of our first child and the weight of that impending responsibility also felt overwhelming. I remember having huge doubts that we could cope, that we were ready, that we were strong enough as a couple, that we were doing the right thing - and I'm sure all those feelings are normal when faced with a huge life change such as becoming a parent.

However, I would also say that if you feel strongly that you need to put the brakes on, please don't feel you shouldn't because of what other people will think. This is your life (and your DH's), and how you feel is the only thing that matters.

What I think you need to decide is whether this is just last minute jitters, or something more. If its the former I would keep going, if its the latter maybe you do need a little break to explore those feelings without a time pressure hanging over you.

[NanaNina]

Hello - I'm a retired social worker and team manager of a Fostering & Adoption Team.

I think it's such a pity that you felt as you did about the assessment, and I definitely think you should have seen the final version of the report. That is the duty of the assessor to ensure that you do see it, and I know people are telling you to put it behind you, but it seems to me that it has destroyed your confidence in yourself to some extent and thereby your feelings about adoption.

Things written in black and white always sound worse than when they are said, and it is strange to read things about yourself following the assessment. I am wondering though if you are possibly reading too much into this (sorry no pun intended) as despite what the sw said about you, she gave a positive recommendation and you got through panel. I have carried out and read many adoption reports and I think there is quite a skill in how negative things are actually written and it sounds like your sw didn't have this skill. I don't mean that any issues should be "glossed over" but an experienced worker who knows that they are going to give a positive recommendation would be able to phrase things that were "less than positive" in an acceptable way. Just trying to think of examples : e.g. "Mrs Smith initially came across as quite defensive and this caused me some concern, but as the assessment progressed and I was able to talk with Mrs Smith about this, it became clear that she was worrying about "failing" the assessment. Thereafter our sessions became more relaxed and I was able to see that Mrs Smith was very well motivated in the adoption applicant and my confidence in her ability to meet the needs of an adopted child was restored." Given the fact that the sw was defensive when you queried some of the things she had written makes me think she/he was not particularly secure about their own professionalism and competence. An experienced and competent worker would not get defensive.

Can I ask about your experiences at panel. Did you feel you were being put on the spot or that people were concerned about some of the comments the sw made about you. I think you should contact the assessing social worker and ask for a copy of the final version of your report that went to panel, as this is your right. If you can put if behind you and look to the future, then so be it, but I have a feeling that you might not be able to do this, and might need to talk things over again with the assessing social worker if she/he is willing. However given that she/he was defensive when you queried things before this is probably not a good plan.

I am a bit concerned about your relationship with DH but then there is no such thing as a perfect couple - did the sw pick up on anything in the part of the report dealing with your marital relationship.

As far as "putting off" the adoption and worrying about whether you will be able to manage to meet the needs of the children, this is very common at this stage, and to be honest I would be far more worried about prospective adopters who were over confident. It is an enormous step and obviously you are going to have some doubts. It's called being human!

Re the children in whom you have expressed an interest. Can I ask, would you be feeling more positive (albeit apprehensive) about moving forward if you were not still worrying about the sw's comments in the assessment. If this is the case, then I think you should continue with your interest in the children, but bear in mind that you do not have to commit yourselves and you shouldn't be worrying about what others think. This is about you, your DH and the children you adopt.

Hope I haven't confused you!

[prumarth]

Hello, I'm so sorry to hear how you feel about your PAR. I agree with nananina - it sounds like it's badly damaged your confidence - can I ask, are your concerns based around factual inaccuracies or perceptions of your strenghths and weaknesses? Does your DH have a view on the PAR and whether it reflected you fairly?
In terms of having a confidence wobble - I think that's absolutely normal. However I would just suggest you spend a bit of time reflecting on whether you need a bit of time to stop and reflect. Please don't let concerns about telling work, family, SWs etc that you need some time to let everything settle. The matching/intros/early days with new children is a roller coaster and I have been all over the place emotionally, just 5 weeks into my placement. If you aren't quite ready, don't be pushed by anyone into progressing. You are under no obligations to progress until YOU are ready emotionally and physically and moving too fast, too soon may be detrimental to you.
This is your life and future - if a couple of months is what you need, then take it.
Best of luck to you.

[64x32x24]

It's such a hard question - 'normal' nerves or warning sign? At the end of the day only you can decide which it is.

I find it really scary. You know, many pregnant women might say at some point 'actually I've changed my mind, I'm not going to have a baby' - even as they are in labour. But it wouldn't change the fact that baby is coming, one way or another. Whereas if we adopters say that, it would actually mean 'no baby' (or child). We can in theory 'pull out' up to the last moment... and it puts huge pressure on us, I feel.

I have been finding the post-approval time very hard, and it has been putting a lot of tension on our relationship. I have been telling myself that dealing with a real live concrete child has GOT to be easier than all the mind-games that go ahead of that. In some ways at least. I can't yet say if it's true but I'm holding on to the thought! Maybe it will help you too :)

[lookingforsunshine]

Once again, thanks for everyone who has taken the time to help me out. I'm so grateful. All comments really appreciated.
We actually really enjoyed panel! Think we had a very 'normal' experience of panel. They were lovely and just asked a couple of questions that sw had suggested we would be asked about. Our sw told us before panel that she was certain we would get through.
No, nothing at all was picked up throughout the assessment process/ report about any relationship problems/ concerns...
Yes, we totally agree on how we want to bring our children up/ values/ behaviour 'strategies' etc. We come from very similar angles in relation to that. I know that he will be a brilliant parent. He is amazing with children and we both admire how each other are with children.
NanaNina-Thank you for your comments. You are right. The report has dented my confidence. Reading everyone's comments has helped but it's hard because I obviously can't discuss specifics with anyone else... Only my hubbie and I (outside of social services) know what was written about me. Hubbie does think her comments are insane/ totally inaccurate reflection of me. When he read it, he originally cried with laughter (not in a negative way towards me, more just because it was so ridiculous some of things she wrote-it is not me). Tonight we've had a good chat and he has apologised endlessly for not being more supportive. He had kind of forgotten how I was feeling towards sw. To be fair, I don't think I was aware how bothered I was by whole thing. It just hurts that such an extensive process done by a lady who seems to have a good reputation (forgot to mention before I've met several people who know her and whenever her name is mentioned there seems to be universal agreement that she is good) describes me the way it does. I am not the world's most confident person but did have real belief in myself as a mum (actually, I still do) and it hurts to know that her findings find me just about adequate. Also I had a lot of references (17 because of previous jobs/ voluntary work etc!!!) and these must of influenced her so that hurts even more. It hurts to think that that must be how I portray myself to others. I've discussed some elements of report with very close friends (not references) who I totally trust and they think the sw is mad. I also chatted to my cousin who was my family reference who told me what she wrote-is sure she gave great reference.
I'm not going to challenge sw again, she took it so badly last time I don't think it would be a good idea. I love the idea of treating her as a professional, we are through panel. We don't need to be friends!
I think I will ask her for copy of final report though-she's due out MOnday so will ask then.
In my heart of hearts, I really think that if we had had children years ago, when we first married, we would have been totally fine. We do have our difference but we are a really good couple together. I'm not going to make any rash decisions either way just now.
Thanks again for everyone's time.

[lookingforsunshine]

Sorry, just read through my last entry and realised I sound a bit full of myself. I guess I'm just trying to make myself feel better. I don't for one minute think I will be some kind of super mum just that a child having me as a mum will not be at a disadvantage compared to any other mum. :-)

[YouAreMyRain]

Having divorced after adopting two siblings, I would advise you to go with your gut feeling.

My exH did not cope well with the intros for DD1 and I had a niggling feeling that I would have to choose between the two of them at some point. I put that to the back of my mind. We then adopted her sister and things fell apart. Adoption is really hard if there are any cracks in the relationship to start with. We were absolutely rock solid before the adoption.

It puts a huge amount of pressure on.

I would advise you to take time out, try to reconnect with each other etc and only proceed if you are confident in your marriage.

Unless you feel strong enough to cope with the possibility of parenting two adopted children as a single parent (very hard - trust me) on top of the stress of divorce etc.

I don't want to be the voice of doom and gloom but that has been my experience.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

The only advice I can offer on top of others is that having a holiday just the two of you before the children come would be incredibly wise, because frankly it could well be the last one you have for a while...

[YouAreMyRain]

I would also ignore the SWs comments that you don't agree with. I know people who had really negative SWs/reports but are doing really well as adoptive parents.