Is anyone watching Love is not Enough? Do you want to chat about it?

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi all

Is anyone watching Love is not Enough? Do you want to chat about it?

Love is not Enough : The Journey to Adoption and Life after Adoption

Love is not Enough is a series of programmes made by the BBC following the adoption process i in the UK. We follow 4 families from the initial interview stage through to the placement and beyond.

vimeo.com/album/2529993

[Lilka]

I've rewatched 1,2,3,7 and 8 so far

When I really should have been in bed

What do you think so far Italian?

I remain at the line of questioning the Leeds couple got

[flowerpowerlondon]

I watched them 1-8 yesterday when I should have been doing 100 other things and its was really interesting to see how much has changed from then to now. Also very sad and so brave of them to be so very open while on camera.

[Italiangreyhound]

Lilka* great someone to talk to! I have watched 1-7, about 5 last night in a row while working late from home!

Lilka why did you miss 4, 5 and 6??

Yes, questioning of Leeds couple re man and abuse was wrong, should have been same question for both.

I feel frustrated that he is kind of treating her like the step mum again, which she obviously feels bad about but also not sure why she had to work full-time and not him. I also felt cross when he said about him doing stuff because he had done it before! I felt like he was reliving the 'glory days' of his parenting his three boy and robbing her of the joy of mothering the two girls!

[Italiangreyhound]

London couple - I would be hopping mad if that happened to me with the first baby. Very upset and angry and felt the social workers' comments 'We would have got a pat on the back if it had worked out as we would have placed her so fast." was totally uncalled for! They cocked up, just accept it was a mistake. Maybe DNA testing now would have make that kind of mistake impossible.

I felt they were not keen to be filmed more although it did not say it.

[Italiangreyhound]

Why so many girls!!! One couple 2 girls one day, other couple girl, other couple adopting a girl (already had a boy) other couple two girls 9and their brother separately).

Two boys who were not the subject of the adoptions on the programme and 6 girls and 1 boy who were the subject of the adoptions. Felt very girl heavy and that was not a good thing, also all the children quite young, three babies, and the oldest was only 7.

Lilka what did you think of Christian couple and overseas adoption?

[Italiangreyhound]

Flowerpower what did you think?

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry that should read - One couple 2 girls one boy, other couple girl, other couple adopting a girl (already had a boy) other couple two girls (and their brother separately).

[Lilka]

When I first found the programs, I just clicked number 8 because it was first on the list, and once I'd watched that I watched number 7. Then the next day when I went back to watch some more, I deided that watching them in order rather than backwards was a better idea, so I've got through the first three, haven't had time to watch the remaining 3 yet!

Was girl heavy, but they can't do anything about that, given that they followed the families from well before matching so it was just chance which gender children they ended up with

The international couple - well, I disagree with their views on the homestudy. But they were wonderful parents to their children, which is what matters. Very lovely that the mum was doing an open adoption with their sons Romanian birth mother, international open adoptions are pretty rare. Oh the mum Just devastating

The Christian couple - I like them so far. Nice folk. I'm not Christian but I understood as much as I could where they were coming from. Of course, the issue with their approach is that they hadn't really fully gone past the idea of birth children, hence the wishing for a birth child and the IVF in episode 8

[Italiangreyhound]

I felt the Christian couple were lovely but rather naive. I can't imagine telling a social worker God had told me to adopt (he didn't - by the way!).

Loved the international adopters.

[Italiangreyhound]

Watching episode 8 tonight, now!! EEEK. I stayed up until nearly 6.00 watching last night! Bad greyhound!

[Lilka]

Felt for the Leeds couple in episode 8

[Italiangreyhound]

I wonder if any unresolved issues for the Leeds couple? I felt the husband was very nice but was also it was a bit about him, he wanted his wife to speak about her experiences etc, and she wanted to but I also felt it must have taken a lot of courage for her. He was parenting well etc and I felt she was struggling a bit.

The Christian couple were lovely but I felt sad the issues about wanting a birth child were not resolved. I also felt the language of 'child of my own/baby of mu own' was quite upsetting.

Now watching 'Protecting Our Children' and preparing to feel very sad and angry.

[Velvet1973]

Just been watching it and have just got the last episode to watch. The mum who died oh my word, what a brave man. I wonder what those children are like now.
The Leeds woman I thought until the daughter became ill that adopting children was about her and not the children, she clearly has deep scars that haven't been resolved and adopting children was her solution. Someone to love her and need her and when it wasn't going that way she couldn't cope.
The Christian couple I didn't get and I still don't get, I think the panel hit the nail on the head when they picked up on the fact they were seeing themselves as carers for these children and not parents. I can't help but think if they do have a birth child the dynamics will change so much and probably not for the better.

[Italiangreyhound]

I know why I loved the international adopters! She was so warm and caring and so very human! Like me wanting to take the medical as late as possible so she could lose weight! I fell in love with the idea of adoption in Romania and I considered adoption from China.

And although he was a bit 'full of himself' (we might say!) he was a very caring and compassionate man, I felt, and practical. He also seemed so full of compassion for his family and I respected his views - although he seemed a little hard at times.

Most of all they had a view of adoption that I share, that blood is not thicker than water and that the adopted Chinese girl was no less the child's sister than his biological brother in Romania was.

I am sometimes shocked at the attitude of some who seem to, even in adoption circles, place such a high value on a biological link when actually adoption is about taking in a child who is not necessarily your biological link (in fact in most situations I know of there is no link).

Lastly, I can see where they are coming from in their 'slightly' negative view of social services. I like social services, I have had good experiences of them, but I am aware that no one is perfect and so much energy goes into approval and matching when I think adoptions break down because of lack of support and not because of failure in the approval and matching.

[Velvet1973]

I think you're right italian. The main problem with ss is you're so dependent on getting allocated a sw on the same wavelength as yourself otherwise it seems to create all sorts of problems.
I think also the ongoing support is so varied, some authorities do it well whereas others it's non existent. The Leeds couple seemed to have ongoing support which did enable them to turn it round, I do think however that Linda was an adult with a lot if un dealt with issues and this was the biggest problem. She struck me as someone who desperately needs counselling for her own self esteem and worth. The problems seemed to stem from her not being accepted by the children or her husband in the way she'd imagined and she saw it as rejection when it was just a normal family going through the shift of dynamics of children joining them.
I'd love to see a follow up film on them all now, I was trying to work out when it was all filmed and I'd guess about 15 years ago so this children would be adults now.

[Hels20]

I've started watching it - watched first episode so far. WIll update with my thoughts once I have watched all 8!

[justgotaniPhone]

name-changed for adoption threads - have a DD adopted from China.

Whilst I think it's fair enough to discuss the programmes, I think you shouldn't be commenting on the couples or passing judgement on them. This isn't TOWIE

I watched this on a video from the library when we were going through the process (so it's at least 12 years old) - I wouldn't want strangers on t'internet critcising me for something I said or did during the home study or early days when DD was first home.

[Italiangreyhound]

justgotaniPhone congratulations on your adoption from China. We really wanted to adopt from there a number of years ago but due to delay I would have been too old by the time we got to the 'top of the list' or however they do it. We are now going through domestic adoption and are very happy with it. I love China, and studied Mandarin when I was young, but now have forgotten most of it!

I am actually saying very positive things on the whole, and yes I agree, I do think as a viewer of a TV programme I have a right to have an opinion and to share and discuss in non-threatening way.

I also think if people do not want others to discuss them and their choices, they should probably not be filmed in a documentary. I would hate to be filmed as we went through the acceptance and matching process. I think they are all very brave.

I think for us as predominately adopters and soon-to-be-adopters we are not watching in a voyeuristic way but rather to understand things more and because some of it is so real for us. When the international adopters were kept hanging on while the social worker warbled on about this and that and they just wanted the decision will we be able to adopt this baby, I was right there with them and was so glad the mum said to the social worker 'what was the decision!'.

[Velvet1973]

Not having ever seen Towie I'm not sure I'm qualified to respond!

It's human nature to watch these programs and comment on them. I feel it's been extremely useful watching them and if anything it's made me look deeper at my own behaviour after being able to look at these couples. I don't think anyone is criticising anyone in these programs more just gaining an insight into their lives and how adoption has brought up issues that clearly weren't resolved. It's made me really think hard about how I would be in these situations.

[Lilka]

I've seen every episode except 6 now

Poor Shaun and the girls when they were doing intros, very stressful and confusing for them

I am glad that when I adopted both DD's, neither of them were paced with their siblings in the foster home. I know that's very selfish, saying 'thank goodness it wasn't me who had to deal with the initial seperation issues', but..... It would have been really horrible Of course I am the one who deals with all the longer term issues

[Italiangreyhound]

Lilka it was very sad about Shaun but what was great is that he thrived in his foster home and as an 'only' child when adopted. And if he had stayed with the sisters he may well not have. So although it is gut wrenching that they have to be separated I think it may well have been done for the right reasons, even then. And now even more so, I hope! I agree having him part of introductions was helpful for no one! Just a lot of confusion for all.

[Hels20]

So watched first three. I really like the woman of the Christian couple - she seems very warm, even if slightly naive. I like the man too - but he seems very impulsive. I am surprised that he admitted that he acts on impulse - adoption should not be about impulse!

Lilka - I am v surprised that none of the couples were invited to the panel - when you adopted DD1, were you invited to the approval and then linking panel? (If you don't mind me asking.) This seems to be the biggest change.

Also - there was a comment in programme 2 that the average age for adoption is 4 - I think this has gone down but have no idea what the average age is.

Gosh - have read up above that one of the mother's dies. Is it Barbara? (Out of all of the couples, I like Barbara and David most.) If so, not sure I can watch that episode. Too sad.