Adoption chat

(762 Posts)
MyFeetAreCold Tue 04-Mar-14 20:41:19

Anyone want to have an adoption chat thread? For stuff that doesn't really merit a thread of its own but that if you say to people out there on the other boards you'll be met with a confused look. Or told you're doing it wrong.

So here's my starter for 10 (and hang about because I have a second one...)

I was googling for info about addicted babies yesterday and stumbled across this DM article from Jan last year: www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2255976/Drug-addict-babies-Three-born-day-hooked-heroin-cocaine.html

Interesting how very at odds most of the comments are with the type of comments you see on their most recent 'SS stole my babies' kind of articles (which is to say, most of these comments advocate the immediate and irreversible removal of babies once born).

Secondly, there's a thread asking about what you'd like to have said but didn't. I would have liked to have said to my recently placed and very testing DD that she's bloody lucky her little brother is do damn cute. Of course, I can't say that out there or IRL, so I'll tell you lot instead. And of course, I didn't mean it anyway.

Please join in. I'll feel silly talking to myself.

MrsBW Tue 04-Mar-14 20:46:56

<Raises hand>

Ooh, me, me!!!

I will look at that article in a bit...

But for now, things you'd like to have said but didn't (or alternatively, said but wished you hadn't)... I'm trying to work out if I can admit to them, even in relative anonymity... [shame]

MyFeetAreCold Tue 04-Mar-14 20:56:18

Sorry for making your read DM. Please only read comments if you have blood pressure pills close to hand.

ghostinthecanvas Tue 04-Mar-14 20:56:57

Ah. I said something on the other thread about DS3. But what wouldn't be understood elsewhere is my frustration that my concerns about him are being dismissed in rl. He struggles so much day to day and I wish I could show you the photo of him with his sister where they both have the same facial features sad I have shown the social workers, they agree he has similar characteristics then do nothing about it. His SW actually told CAHMS she thought he presented appropriately. He doesn't. Of course his struggle is my struggle and he is so resistant to being parented.
As for the Daily Mail, it's as attention seeking and accurate as any toddler I know grin

CheeryGiraffe Tue 04-Mar-14 20:58:58

<Jumps about waving arms in the air>

Things I would have liked to have said (and really, REALLY wish I had done):

To my 'friend',

When you commented that you hoped our little one would be cute so that they would be easier to love, I thought that pointing out that you would love your daughter regardless of how 'cute' they were would make you see how stupid your comment was. However, you then chose to hit me with "but she's really mine, your child won't actually be yours will they? You'll be bringing up someone else's child, so you'll need them to be cute so they're easier to love". Instead of screaming at you that they will be mine, and that I won't raise my children to be ignorant and insensitive like you are clearly going to, I just sat there with my mouth open like a total idiot.

You've probably been wondering why I haven't been in touch recently. Well, now you know. grin

Myfeetarecold This is a brilliant thread - there are loads of times I want to say something, but then change my mind because everyone out there <points at the rest of MN> just won't get it.

CheeryGiraffe Tue 04-Mar-14 21:00:26

I don't have any advice to offer you, Ghost, but I can do a virtual hug and some cake? cake

OneOfOurLilkasIsMissing Tue 04-Mar-14 21:03:52

Ooh yes it's been absolutely ages since we've had a chat thread smile

It doesn't merit it's own thread, but I want to share - This evening when DD2 made herself hot chocolate, she asked me whether I wanted one too!! She actually thought of me, she went and made me (and DS as well!) a lovely mug of it, and we drank hot chocolate together while watching "The Swan Princess". We sang along to all the songs and it was lovely smile

(That is, we watched it when I got the stupid VCR player to work. The buttons on it are all worn out from use and don't work any more. Anyone else still have a VCR they use?)

She loves that film, and all the sequels. They're bringing out a fifth direct to DVD sequel now, and in it, Derek and Odette adopt a child, so this should be interesting if I can get hold of it.

She's even trying to do some college work now, which is fantastic after spending most of the last month not doing a thing

It's fun comparing the DM comments betwen articles isn't it? All children are stolen and SS are evil, until there's an article about drugs and then adoption is amazing and all drug addicts should be sterilised and possibly sentences to death hmm

ghostinthecanvas Tue 04-Mar-14 21:04:59

I never refuse cake, thank you Cheery

My short version would have been "the reason I try so hard to be calm is that I am sure amongst other things you have difficulty understanding social conversations. .." kinda gets lost without a bit of background.

We manage mostly, I know he will respond eventually optimist

OneOfOurLilkasIsMissing Tue 04-Mar-14 21:06:38

Oh Giraffe what an awful comment shock Kudos for not screaming at her! What an idiot

MyFeetAreCold Tue 04-Mar-14 21:09:25

God, Lilka, that's amazing. I'm still hoping my DH can learn to offer me a coffee when he's boiling the kettle. grin

I very rarely post about anything related to my DC out there because I mostly can't be arsed trying to explain. Or worse, explaining it very well and still having people tell me I'm wrong/bad/a fool.

MyFeetAreCold Tue 04-Mar-14 21:10:44

cake for Giraffe too, I think. Adopting really helps you find out who your actual friends are.

ghostinthecanvas Tue 04-Mar-14 21:11:43

Probably my most often thought is (excuse my language)

"Its fuck all like parenting your child. I don't care if they are the same age, my child knew real hunger and grief and trusts no one. Piss off with your understanding and your "yes, mine does that too". No, he really doesn't"

I never excused my language on the other thread blush

MyFeetAreCold Tue 04-Mar-14 21:13:46

I also got the rage at a thread where someone wanted to know if it was okay to change the name of a dog she'd 'adopted'. But she said English wasn't her first language so I let it go. [benefit of the doubt emoticon]

Maybe I should spend less time on MN...

It's not like I don't have two adoption order applications to fill in or anything. grin

OurMiracle1106 Tue 04-Mar-14 21:14:18

To my sons new mummy and daddy. Please do not judge me. I made mistakes. But I am not a bad person. Give him all your love. And be the parents he deserves, but never forget there is also a birth mum out here who loves him to the stars and back and would give anything to spend just one more day with him.

Also why can the social worker never ever message back within the 48 hours she's supposed to?

Im also ezexcited about my letter but also slightly dreading it because I know it's going to hurt but also make me happy.

Devora Tue 04-Mar-14 21:16:52

Rather than a 'things I wish I'd said', can I offer a 'wish I could have thought of something good to say'?

So, picture my two kids plus best friend. A big bag of those little polystyrene balls you use to stuff beanbags. And the boiler repairman. Fun mum that I am, I allow the kids to help me stuff a beanbag hmm. The boiler repairman calls me into the kitchen. Like a complete and utter idiot, I say to the kids: "you can put a few more little balls in, very very carefully, but don't spill it on the floor". And then I leave them to it.

4 minutes later I re-enter the room and you can guess: 3 inches deep little balls all over the floor (it's not a big room) and the children dry-slope snowboarding from all to wall. Did I shout? Very nearly. But I decided to demonstrate my zen mastery and stay icily calm. So I made the children clear up all the balls (which they didn't do well - they FLOAT when you try to brush them - I was finding little stashes of them for weeks afterwards, that I would have to pick up with lengths of sellotape).

Anyway, boiler man walks in at that point, and said something unprintable. I laughed and said, "You look very disapproving". He said, not jokily AT ALL: "Well, it's not my idea of good parenting".

I was a bit shock that he would say that to me, a customer. But also grin and a tiny bit blush

MyFeetAreCold Tue 04-Mar-14 21:34:53

I think it's brilliant parenting devora, all that creativity and exercise at once.

I once had someone come to my house to do an estimate for something or other. All he knew about me is that I am Mrs MyFeet and MyFeet is very obviously a surname belonging to a nationality that is not British.

Well, on and on he went about how he'd worked with people from that nation and that they were lazy, feckless, workshy, dumb etc (I don't think this was prompted by my name, I think it was just his rant of the day) so, erm, I didn't hire him to do the work.

MyFeetAreCold Tue 04-Mar-14 21:35:51

OurMiracle, your new name is sooooo much better. grin

roadwalker Tue 04-Mar-14 22:08:15

I read an on-line article (can't remember the paper but hope it was the guardian and not the mail. Going by the comments it may have been the mail)
it was about siblings and that they should not necessarily be kept together and discussed reasons why
I wanted to scream at one of the comments that read, why should siblings be split up just to make an adopters life easier. If they want the children they should have to take them all
Honestly, they do not have a clue
It is not always in the best interests of the children to stay together and if they are very challenging must make disruption more of a possibility

excitedmamma Tue 04-Mar-14 22:19:16

Something I wish I'd said.. (and may yet)...

No.. the adoption of my daughter is not a 'SAGA'... it is her finding her forever family, us finding our daughter and becoming a family

No.. I am not jealous that she had a nice time with you whilst we were being approved to adopt her... do you really think I would have preferred my angel to have screamed blue murder crying for us.. what type of monster do you think I am...

you (by your own choice) are nobody important in her life.. this is sad and I grieve for what could have been....

I may in time have to deal with her relationship with her birth parents and I will support her fully in this - I bear them no bad feelings and I refuse/don't need to be jealous of her relationship with her birth parents then I sure as hell feel no need to be jealous of her spending an hour with you..

Obviously, you need to become a Social Worker as many people have approved us fit to be parents... you obviously know better...

You DID NOT see ANYTHING in my eyes.. other than utter relief that we'd been approved

GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF... this is one thing in life that isn't about you...

Now leave us alone

MyFeetAreCold Tue 04-Mar-14 22:40:05

roadwalker, since a lot of the other papers went behind paywalls a lot of the Guardian comments are a lot less Guardiany than you might expect, I've noticed.

excitedmamma, congrats on getting approved (is that new?) and thanks because it looks like you might need them!

excitedmamma Tue 04-Mar-14 22:45:48

thanks Myfeet... we were approved in September, Matching Panel in October and had our Adoption Order granted in Feb...

Adoption sure brings out either the best or worst in people...

Oh and another rant.... If you think its ok to joke about having your own son adopted (in front of him) JUST to get priority in schools... please don't do it in earshot of our daughter shock

OneOfOurLilkasIsMissing Tue 04-Mar-14 22:48:06

Oh yes, siblings is a great topic to garner silly comments. They fit into the following categories

-I'd love to adopt and I'd never split siblings up, I'd take them all.
-Siblings are split up because adopters are really picky and all want perect children
-Siblings are split up because SS are evil and don't care

OneOfOurLilkasIsMissing Tue 04-Mar-14 22:50:01

I stopped reading Guardian comments when "whowasthatguy" (remember him, anyone? Plus all his aliases) was commenting multiple times on every single social services related article. Blood pressure ---> through the roof

roadwalker Tue 04-Mar-14 22:52:18

We live in a very small place and with BS at primary school everybody knew we were adopting
It was very uncomfortable and we were like mini celebs for a while, I am quite private so it was hard to take
Strangers would come up and say, it is a wonderful thing you are doing (or similar)
I used to answer with, well its not like i am donating a kidney is it, that would truly be wonderful
They must have thought I was the most miserable cow on earth

totally off the conversations on here but I put a Stair Gate up today all by myself. Made me happy! grin

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