Random vent about Things Other People Say

[ColdfeetPinksocks]

I've already decided to try to not get cross when Other People say things like we're brave doing this or my children will be lucky to have us (really? lucky??) or mention their 'real mum' meaning someone other than me. I reckon that trying to edumucate most people on those things will just lead to me being snappish and that whilst they're ignorant of a lot of stuff about adoption they mean well.

But I am so, so, SO bored of hearing about how 'we won't know what's hit us'. Yes, believe it or not we did give it some thought. Quite a lot of thought actually. I'm aware that becoming a parent will alter my lifestyle. GAHHHH!!

(They don't say this to pg people do they? If they do, I'll eat my random venty hat.)

[Feelslikea1sttimer]

We are having baby number 4 for our family.. Between me and my partner we have 15, 13, 7 and new one due in November and we always get 'you must be mad' 'you're gonna have your hands full' and yep the old faithful 'you won't know what's hit you' and like you... YES WE WILL!!! and actually we have put more thought into this baby than when I had my teenagers (when I was in my teens)

I am guessing you have put a whole lot more thought and preperation into adopting a child than the majority of people put into conceiving one... I would do your best to ignore them, (or tell them to p*$% off)

Good Luck

[WeAreSeven]

Friends of ours who had spent years ttc dc2 without success. Eventually adopted a baby. They got
"Are you mad, dc1 is, what, 13? Why would you want that kind of a gap?"

"Oh, how sweet. I'd like to do that" only to have their faces glaze over when told of the gruelling checks, long waits, countries closing their doors to outside adopters, matches that don't happen....."

[WeAreSeven]

Oh and Coldfeet, pregnant people get it too.
Have to admit, having ds1 was tiring but why do people want to spoil the excitement?

[ColdfeetPinksocks]

If pg people get it, I'll stand down. It's never crossed my mind to say it to a pg couple. No more than I'd say 'I hear giving birth's a bit hard, are you sure you want to go through with it'.

[ColdfeetPinksocks]

(And I can't tell the current offender to PO. He's currently putting furniture together for me. )

[Pootles2010]

Gobsmacked that people say 'real' mum. Unbelievable. People are such dicks... ignore em.

If it makes you feel any better, they do say 'you won't know whats hit you' to pg people too. I think people just come out with inane crap because they've nothing better to say.

[Phineyj]

We got comments like this. After 6 years of trying to have a family various ways, infertility treatment and applying for adoption unsuccessfully we HAD put a lot of thought into it!

It is annoying but my theory is that a lot of people are slightly embarrassed by anything serious and emotional so they fall back on these crass responses as they don't know what to say.

[Devora]

I don't think you should stop venting just because people say doofish things to pg women too. Vent away!

[Italiangreyhound]

Agree with Phineyj people don't always know what to say and say things to fill space! I am sure I do it.

My worst comment from friends, as someone who has abirth child and spent thousands and years trying to have a second (having always wanted three0 is people with three kids who moan about how hard life is with three kids!

Some people do often tend to make negative comments about stuff, like young kids, must be a lot of work, etc etc. Yes, they are but they are also wonderful!

Hold my hand up to that at one time I would have thought adoptive parents brave (am hoping to be one and still think we are brave but lots and lots of people are braver) and also would once have said that children who are adopted into good/nice/kind families were 'lucky', I would not use that phrasiology now because the likes of Kew/Kristina/Devora/and Lilka have educated me!

[WeAreSeven]

Although I do have to say, that I think my friends' new dc is lucky. Feck it, I'd let them adopt me if they would! They are far better parents than I am.

[ColdfeetPinksocks]

Woohoo! Permission to vent anyway! Thanks Devora!

I'm sure I've uttered countless meaningless platitudes at various people over the years too, but I think hope that I'm much less likely to do it following years of ttc. ('You just need to relax.' Uh-huh, right.)

And I don't think we're brave, or noble, or anything else others have said, I just think we're finally (fingers crossed!) maybe getting our family!

[Italiangreyhound]

Of yes, had forgotten, people who think not trying to have a baby is the way to have one! Wonder why people bother with fertility treatment!

[BettyBotter]

Disclaimer: Not an adopter but adoption in the close family...

Another great comment from nosey neighbour when told adoption was pending 'Are you sure?'

[Solaia]

I try not to get wound up by what people say, they are generally just making ham-fisted attempts at platitudes in order to say something. I just think 'you dafty...'

My bug bear at the moment is 'you are far too young to be thinking about kids and all that stuff' when we have been TTC for two years and now referred to the fertility clinic.

Although 'real mother' is... Just...

[HystericalParoxysm]

I have a mixture of birth and adopted children and IME people say the same ol' guff whether you are adopting or pregnant! They just like to be smug bastards

[bberry]

I have just joined and this is my first ever post, after 6 years ttc we are now about to adopt a little girl, she will be 18 months when she arrives, this post made me giggle..... people really are thoughtless idiots, even close friends and family that you think would know better...... you have all made me laugh out loud this morning...... :-) am researching car seats, cot beds, strollers this morning..... x

[RandomMess]

TBH I think that whether people are adopting or pregnant, I just don't say it though!!!

What really gets my goat is people on here saying about neglected dc/those in care etc. "all they need is love" without understanding how permanently damaged many dc are

[glenthebattleostrich]

We were having dinner with some friends who have adopted 2 children and one person (who was a friend of a friend and I hadn't met before) asked if they hadn't thought of IVF so that the children belonged to them.

But then, when I was pregnant people seemed to think that it was ok to tell me stories about horrific births so I have come to the conclusion that some people are just stupid insensitive idiots.

[perplexedpirate]

We are in the very early stages of thinking about adopting DC2 (no fertility issues, I just couldn't do pregnancy and birth again). I mentioned this to a few friends a couple of weeks ago and most were thrilled for us, but one (who had, in retrospect, sunk a whole bottle of wine in about an hour) starting going 'why? Why would you do that? Oh my god, why would you ever do that. I'd never do that...etc etc'. I'd already explained my reasons but she was almost offended that I was doing something she wouldn't.
People are weird.

[bootsycollins]

Some random woman was telling me that she's got 7 grandchildren, then without coming up for air went on to say 6 and ones adopted
I instantly wrote her off as a complete dick. Why would you say that?

[Lilka]

I've had so many comments over the years. People seemed especially shocked I was adopting a 10 year old and an 8 year old. And even more shocked to hear that it was what I wanted and not because social services wouldn't let me have the cute baby they were sure I truly wanted deep down!

Everyone gives parenting advice about how to parent. Great but not great for my kids who need different parenting. The only kind of parenting advice I've wanted from colleagues etc is 'what pushchair (for DS!) do you recommend' (or bed, or brand of shoes) and 'can everyone tell me what time you set bedtime at for your 12 year old?' I don't want to know how you discipline and how you think I should discipline.

Or how I'm being mean by saying that my family will definitely not be going on holiday to Disneyland Paris now or in the foreseeable future. Yes really! The stupid thing was, I'd originally asked for help finding a nice UK place to go on holiday to! DD2 and DS together in Disneyland doesn't bear thinking about!!

I think I've mentioned it before, the worst question I've ever fielded was about my DD1. What did she do to get herself taken into care? ffs

[MuseumOfHam]

Yeah, the only time other people get to me is when they're nosily fishing for DS's back story, e.g. putting on a professional sympathy face and going 'so, did he have a VERY traumatic time before he came to you?' Haven't had any bad ones for a while, or maybe you're just more sensitive to it all in the early days.

One I did get upset about in the early days was taking DS to the GP and her asking 'does his Mum know he's ill?'

[Maiyakat]

My favourite comment on telling colleagues after I'd been approved was 'Well you'd better not go and have a one night stand and get pregnant before now had you?' Erm.....

[ColdfeetPinksocks]

Museum, yes! Since we got linked I've had many people fishing for background. Best one (for this thread...) was, 'I know you can't tell me anything, but I hope they've not been abused or neglected...' and then a tailing off into silence, presumably so I could reassure the enquirer that the adoption is for fun or for my benefit. (Or more likely so that I could fill in the details and we could all talk about how horrible it is...)

[Magslee]

I find it hard to choose between
a) the woman I didn't know who heard from someone else I was adopting and crossed the room to tell me about her friend who had adopted and it 'ruined her life', and
b) the senior manager at work who waved me off on adoption leave with the words 'they do tell you how many fail don't they? I hope you don't regret it'

But they really they don't matter because on the other side of the scale are
a) my friends and family who have been amazing all the way, and
b) the stranger angels posted on every London street corner and station steps who help me with my buggy, entertain DS when he's grumpy and just take time to be friendly and kind to a bouncy toddler and disorganised mum.

My policy for the offensive commenters is - first offence - ignore, second offence - sanctimonious lecture, third offence - anything goes