adopting siblings

(3 Posts)
Meita Tue 09-Jul-13 22:46:05

Hmm can't really help, but will be watching with interest.

We haven't started the process yet (our birth child is a little younger than yours) but I had a few initial chats with LAs (we're at the stage where we're looking around to choose which LA/VA we would eventually go with). In one such chat I mentioned that we might consider siblings. The SW immediately (and quite patronisingly IMO) declared that that would never be an option because the two AC would have a trauma bond and would never form a healthy bond with BC.

Just to say I totally understand that this might be a problem, the patronising part of it is simply that the way she said it indicated that she could not imagine that I might have <gasp> thought about this myself...
Also I am sometimes a bit saddened that some professionals in this area treat cases as numbers rather than considering individual cases and circumstances and the real children involved.

Anyway if you think that you might consider eventually having more than two children, I'd tell them you'd consider it. If you're sure you only ever want two, then tell them no. If you'd like three (or more) kids in total, eventually, then it would be a bit silly to categorically reject siblings at this point.
However if you do 'consider' it, then consider it very carefully. For some siblings it would indeed be best to be placed together, others would benefit from being split. Some siblings' needs might be compatible with having an older sibling in their adoptive family, others might not. But also of course carefully consider what you would effectively be able to deal with. IMO these should be things your SW should help you think through rather than just asking you to decide upfront.

So, in my totally non-experienced view I'd say 'yes we would consider it' (if you think there is any chance at all), so that they help you explore it as an option and you can eventually make a stronger decision for or against.

Lilka Tue 09-Jul-13 22:24:57

I think you should go with your gut

Taking on siblings can be challenging even when they don't have any significant emotional or behavioural issues. Having a business and a young birth child on top of that would be really difficult.

I would always suggest a bit of caution to ANYONE considering siblings, even of they were a childless couple with a non-working stay at home parent. Realistically, a lot of adopted children have additional needs and the move is extremely stressful in itself, with many children needing weeks and months to actually settle in and you can experience regression, problems with sleeping/eating/behaviour and all sorts in that time. With a BC who will be in reception at most when the adoption happens and a business to manage, even if you are barely involved in the hands on childminding, I wouldn't recommend it.

I would also recommend avoiding situations where you adopt one with a second on the way who also has an adoption plan. You may well wind up quickly realising you should only have one, and if that's the case, then the siblings have been denied any chance of being adopted together (I don't believe siblings should always be adopted together but I do believe that they should be together if it would be in their best interests)

happydazed Tue 09-Jul-13 22:07:34

we have only just started the adoption process and we have a home visit in the next week or so. we have been asked to think about if we would consider siblings. I have a 3.5 year old birth child so I wasn't expecting the question but she said they have 2 year olds with a baby sibling or a birth mum who is pregnant and the new child will most likely be coming up for adoption. to be honest I am probably going to say we can only take one child. my own ds needs attention. I have a business to run. but still its made me think, I know if we say we'll consider it we won't actually be obliged to take siblings but I would be interested in any advice anyone can give me to help my decision.

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