Permanent fostering

(33 Posts)
lostonline Tue 23-Apr-13 20:57:15

Not sure if I should post here or on fostering pages but adoption seems to be more appropriate. We have been matched to two sisters who are both school age and have been hoping to start intros soon. However the current foster carers are not happy with the match and its becoming very difficult. Hoping to finally meet them tomorrow but trying not to get my hopes up. Does anyone have any advice or ideas ?

lostonline Fri 17-May-13 09:46:03

8 days now - schools have agreed to a slow introduction after half term so more time can be spent at home getting to know us - we got there in the end !
They are coming to stay for the first time this weekend. We have been meeting up mid week and this seems to be working out well.
Current foster carers are just dropping off and not talking which is a shame but an improvement on previous behaviour.
All going to be so much easier when they actually move in !
Thanks for all your support

Kewcumber Thu 09-May-13 16:34:18

and don;t forget the prospective adopters mantra...

"This too shall pass"

lostonline Thu 09-May-13 15:18:36

Thanks for all your support. I have decided to move on and be positive - spent yesterday sorting out the last bits in their room and bringing down all the appropriate toys and games.
Only 16 days now !

Mutley77 Thu 09-May-13 00:35:02

I don't think you can do any more. The views I was suggesting were for your social worker not you, I just wondered if there was extra info there that you could use in your discussions. I think you sound very insightful which will be beneficial to your placement and I think you have done excellently to manage the previous fc's without significant issue, which again will help.
Good uck!

fasparent Wed 08-May-13 22:34:15

New Adoption guide may provide you with some unanswered questions and new fostering and adoption entitlements / support.
see New Passport to Support Adopters at www.first4adoption.
Has only just been released by Government.

fasparent Wed 08-May-13 15:48:20

Just got back last week from final intro, very emotional time for us but baby has settled in with new mum and dad very well. In all our 28 years of fostering the maximum time for intro's we have done is 7 days all have worked out 100%. So tale in experience, job is too be non-judgemental, promote confidence good self esteem too New parents and child. All family's are different children will adapt too this and new family's idea's lifestyle's must be respected , can not count the many many times we have had too adapt intro's around this ethos..

lostonline Wed 08-May-13 13:04:25

I agree its not ideal but other than asking SWs (which I have done ) I can not change what is going to happen.
We will have them for a weekend and then they will move in the following weekend
They have been waiting a long time for a permanent place so they are keen but its going to be a massive shock when it happens
I agree that going to school isn't a priority at the moment but in fostering it seems to be.
If any one has any ideas please shout

Mutley77 Wed 08-May-13 08:41:43

These introductions sound so odd to me. The idea is that you build up a close relationship taking over the care of the children in quite a quick fashion- not just see them at weekends as if you were a friend or aunty. Are the introductions going to get more concentrated otherwise the move will be a shock for these children (although sounds like they are ready for it despite the adversity!).

Sorry when I asked about work I thought you were seeing them every day which is typical of every single set of intro's I have ever been involved of (with perhaps one rest day during the whole period).

KristinaM Wed 08-May-13 08:39:58

I'm sorry but I simply can't understand what's going on here. The intros shouldn't be led by the children or approved by the foster carers. They should be led by the agency,taking account of the children's needs. Is your SW very inexperienced? Why are the FCs being allowed to shout about not wanting the children to move?

As far as I can see, intros here are far too long and Visits too short and infrequent. The children should be moved now and have several weeks off school before starting their new schools in June. It's very unfair to leave them in limbo like this

The fact they are asking to come to your house is a great sign, I think.

lostonline Wed 08-May-13 07:55:50

Hi my birth children are 15, 18 and 20. The eldest is at uni but seems to be mostly here on holiday !
We were asked to put it all in writing yesterday and we requested a meeting after school as only seeing them on Sundays is not enough.
We have seen them 4 times now and I really think they will fit in well. The 25th is the start of half term so we will have a week at home before school starts. It does seem alot of change in a short time.
We are both self employed so we have always fitted work in when we can.
SW was going to visit the girls to make sure they are OK last night
Counting down the days now ! 17 to go
Thanks for your replies

Nothing to add as a total newbie here but just wanted to wish you all the very best.

Can I ask how old your birth children are?

We have a birth DD aged 8 and hope to adopt a three or four year old.

All the best.

Roshbegosh Tue 07-May-13 21:19:18

Did the FCs suggest that date because it's half term? Maybe it will be helpful having the week to move without school to deal with. Ultimately, as a FC myself, it is not their place to dictate these things. I think they may have suggested rather than set the date.

TeenAndTween Tue 07-May-13 21:04:05

Our eldest was nearly 8, we had 4 weeks intros. This was too long for pre-school younger sister, but OK for eldest. however, they were with us for 5 nights of the last 7, so in lots of ways it was 3 weeks intro.

If possible, I would look to move 1-2 weeks before half term, and keep off school until after half term, possibly a bit longer. Stress the impact the toing and froing is having on the children.

Mutley77 Tue 07-May-13 12:43:10

So sorry to hear this. FWIW the visit to you sounds to have followed a fairly normal pattern for a first visit - however IMO it should be followed this week by a speeding up and a move.

How are you and your partner managing this drawn out process with time off work etc?

I am really surprised that your link social worker is not pushing to move things faster - good luck with the conversation.

lostonline Tue 07-May-13 08:18:59

No improvements here - everyone just says we only have 3 weeks to go but it's making us miserable and the kids anxious. Need to call SW today to discuss but scared we will just make it worse. The only happy people at the moment are the current foster carers. They brought the girls to us on Sunday at 11 hung around till 12 and then wanted them back at 4. Since the main anxiety seems to be changing schools we did a quick drive round both schools, fed them and that was it

KristinaM Mon 29-Apr-13 21:50:11

2 weeks is long enough for introductions for children of this age. I also agree that they should have a few weeks off school, it will make no difference to their education in the long run and it will help attachment. It's important they have time alone with you without your other children around .

If the panel has approved the match they should move in ASAP

NanaNina Mon 29-Apr-13 17:06:15

Totally agree with Mutley why on earth is the current FC setting the date - it's not on. I can only assume that their link worker is afraid of upsetting them and if this is the case, then that's just dreadful, because it is the needs of the children that must come first.

I think these children need moving sooner, rather than later and yes they could have a few weeks off school, as it is far more important that they settle with you before starting a new school.

Mutley77 Mon 29-Apr-13 15:55:24

My recommendation as a ssw is that children have at least a few weeks out of school when moving to a new placement anyway - obviously depending a bit on their age and stage.

I would still suggest floating the idea of speeding things up if you are struggling - another month is going to be ages. And WHY is the current FC setting the date?!!!!!

Ok I will let you get on with it - not my case smile Glad you had a good day.

lostonline Mon 29-Apr-13 10:58:49

The delay is whilst schools are sorted as its a county move and also involves special needs. This probably should have been sorted before the intros but as they are older and have been waiting a long time it wasnt.
We took them out with our own kids yesterday and no FCs and we all had a great time. They did ask if they could come home with us today but I explained that we need to sort schools properly and they seemed ok.
25th May is the agreed date - set by current FC !
Thanks for your replies

Mutley77 Mon 29-Apr-13 03:04:01

It is very difficult when fc's don't support the move but at the end of the day it is not up to them! You are doing the right thing to focus on the needs of the children and gain support from your ssw. FWIW I think the presence of a sw during intro's with difficulties like these is important and should be facilitated as often as possible. It then doesn't allow space for the FC's to be unprofessional or difficult towards you. The professionals managing the case should be fully aware of the situation and the appropriate person (their link worker) supporting the FC's to manage their feelings appropriately particularly where the children are concerned.

I would agree with Nananina that these intro's sound much too long. If this were one of my cases (I am an adoption ssw) I would be advocating to speed up the intro's to the shortest possible time scale as it could be damaging to be in limbo for so long especially if the FC's are not fully on board. Can you discuss that with your ssw and get his/her views?

Good luck.

NanaNina Sun 28-Apr-13 18:16:21

Oh so sorry you are going through this "lostonline (retired sw and tm mgr of fostering & adoption team here) As others have said it is not up to the foster carers to approved the match, though it is difficult for fcs when they have grown fond of the children, but presumably can't or are not suitable to keep them on a permanent basis.

I am wondering who is telling you about the fc's feelings, and that they were angry and shouting yesterday but ok today. I hope this isn't a sw, because if so that is very unprofessional. He/she should be taking this up with the fc's link worker, not passing this on to you, if this is what is happening. The fcs may well need support to help them come to terms with the girls leaving, but they also need to be told that one of the most important things is that the girls feel that the fcs are happy about the move and they will be going with their good wishes, which will make life easier for the girls. The fc's don't have to feel this way, but they need to get their feelings out in a safe place with someone who understands and then get on with the business of making a smooth transition in the best interests of the girls.

I don't understand why intros are "taking as long as they have to" and the "girls are leading the way" - this isn't something that the children should be leading. There is no research to indicate that long intros lead to better outcomes. What half-term do you mean - the week at the end of May (Spring bank holiday? ) I suppose that would fit better if it means a change of school, but given the attitude of the fcs it seems to me that this half-term should be a definite.

Hope all works out well for you and the girls.

lostonline Thu 25-Apr-13 14:34:17

Thanks - all great advice - half term looks to be the planned date. Looking forward to a quiet and calm week to get to know each other

fasparent Thu 25-Apr-13 10:26:07

Just have too relax, chill, Look at what's best, Look at promoting children's self esteem, Inclusion's, pride, use lots of praise giving them choices within reason. Keep notes and a daily record at this stage , can bin it later, children may be experiencing thing that they have done before, inclusion's being one. Good luck.

lostonline Thu 25-Apr-13 05:52:30

Seeing the eldest today at her school as we to make plans for the change if schools. Intros will last as long as they have to at the moment the girls are leading the way with a sort of plan of a half term move.
Feeling a bit freaked out this morning but its been off and on so many times that its hard to believe its going to happen

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