Saying they want to run away

[Italiangreyhound]

Our DD is always saying she will 'just go then' and we never take her seriously on those comments. We never give in to the 'fantasy' and let her leave or help her pack a bag etc. I know if we did allow her to leave the house she would probably feel very upset and might even think we wanted her to go (she is a sensitive little soul). Also,in the past, when we went for walks with the dog etc if she got upset about anything (not having charge of the lead the whole time if her cousins were there, for example) she would just stop and say she was not going anything and in the end we waited with her until she was ready to go on, at times she could be quite stroppy but I felt walking off would not help and in the end it would be me going back for her!

Anyway, I am just wondering how all this might play out with a child who had been adopted. How might you/I/one parent differently?

Just curious really as I wonder how common this threatening to run away/leave/go away thing and also the stopping on a walk out and not wanting to go any further etc is!

Must say the stopping on a walk was when DD was younger (maybe 6, too old to carry and perhaps too young to realise that we still had to finish the walk so it just held us all up!).

Any comments from adopters very welcome, please, or anyone else who has experienced this and found something that works.

[Italiangreyhound]

NOT not going anything - not going any FURTHER! On walks.

Also when I say our DD (birth child) is always saying about leaving, what I really mean is a few times a year she says it, maybe 4 or so, often at times when we are just having a disagreement! I almost feel it is something to say! She doesn't try to leave or anything but a few times has packed a bag!

I am just trying to work out if I am handing it right for her and how I might handle it for a child who joined our family by adoption if we are successful.

[Mum2G]

Hi, i am no expert but it sounds to me that how you handle it is positive, you are still there with her and for her whilst she is feeling frustrated, which could be what her 'need for a rest or space' is about. By not helping her pack a bag it seems to me that you are sending the msg that you are listening to her feelings of frustration, respecting her emotions and allowing her to express them, all of which is healthy and a lot more patient than i am with my ds lol

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks MUm2G.

I did explain to her last time what might happen (in appropriate language), this involved no food, missing her warm bed, warm bath, being run over by a car, being lost, being bitten by a fox or killed! Sounds harsh but I think she needs to know why kids should not just run off! She is 8, I have not said all this before but I just felt it was best to give a worst case scenario!

Again not sure how this would alter if I was talking to a child we had adopted into our family.

Advice any experts, please?

Of course in our family case, our DD said I was making it the bit about the fox so we had to look up fox bites on the Internet!

[MissFenella]

I guess I would wonder what she means - she may just want some peace. Could you pop up a play tent for her in her room and make that the place where she runs away too? She could have a picnic tea in there take her beloved things and have her own space but in a safe place.
She may also be searching for some positive strokes - so responses along the lines of 'but I would miss you so much, I love you and need you with me etc' may be welcome

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks Missfenella good ideas.

I will try saying I would miss you etc. I have said just about everything I can think to say ... including, how would you feel if I said I was running away/going away!

Again, something I would probably not dream of saying to a child who had been adopted!

We have just taken down the play tent but the Wendy house is still clogging up her room!

She has said it off and on since age 3, it is either because she genuinely wants to get away from me sometimes or because she wants to prompt a reaction! She is quite an emotional little soul.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Both DS and DD have done the refusing to walk thing. DS would usually get a bit scared and come running after us if we carried on walking. DD is far more stubborn, and I usually end up going back for her or we'd still be stood out on the path now...

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry to hear it families but good to know others understand, a lot of people seem to think if you want off they will come! It's like playing chicken! Maybe they will maybe they won't!!