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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Introductions - please help

18 replies

Pudsmum1313 · 08/01/2013 21:37

We met our boys for the first time today at introductions and the youngest (12months) cried from the first moment of seeing us until ten minutes before we left. We were there for two hours. It was heartbreaking. We interacted with his older brother but the little one screamed if we made eye contact.....
Has anyone else had this experience? Hopefully tomorrow will be better.....

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SmellOfBurntWiggle · 08/01/2013 22:16

So sorry can't reply from experience but just wanted to sympathise and encourage you to be thick-skinned and not expect a twelve month old to take to you from the very first moment, lovely though that would be. My sister adopted a 14 month old in the spring and found introductions horribly stressful but they are getting along beautifully now. So gird your loins, don't take it personally or see it as a bad sign.. s/he will get used to you and Very best of luck for tomorrow...

Moomoomie · 08/01/2013 22:16

It is heartbreaking but also understandable. To him you are complete strangers who he does not know but at the same time he knows that you are important to him. He is too young to understand the fact that you are his new parents. Be patient, take it slowly and you will be fine.
We did not have this with our girls but the ages where different. 12 months is a difficult age to move on.
Hopefully he has a good attachment to his foster carers which he will be able to transfer to you in time.
Honestly it bodes well that he is wary of you.
All the best over the coming few days.

Welovecouscous · 08/01/2013 22:27

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devora · 08/01/2013 23:06

Pudsmum - introductions is very stressful for everybody. At 12 months he will not be able to comprehend what is going on, but he will certainly be picking up on everyone's tension and anxiety, and probably finding it overwhelming.

You are going to have a very distressed and unsettled pair of children to handle, over the coming weeks (I know you know this). Stay calm, stay strong, keep asking for support. You have my intense sympathy: it is SUCH a hard time.

Pudsmum1313 · 09/01/2013 08:11

Thanks everyone. I didn't sleep too well last night but I feel far more positive this morning. Hopefully today will feel less stressful for the little ones. I don't want to make them anxious or upset. I'll let you know how it goes. Your support is really appreciated :)

OP posts:

Welovecouscous · 09/01/2013 11:23

This reply has been deleted

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LocoParentis · 09/01/2013 12:51

Thats really tough Pudsmum i'm sure you know logically it's perfectly reasonable and normal for a one year old to be like that with strangers in that situation but really really heartbreaking for you.

I don't have any constructive advice as i haven't been through it yet but I wanted to wish you luck. All of this upset and trauma will be worth it in the end when they are settled in their new safe, loving and permanent home.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 09/01/2013 12:53

Hopefully he was just having a bad day and will be fine today.

Did his foster carer say if he has been unwell? I find that my DCs have a really grumpy day the day before they come down with an illness.

I asked my DS's foster carer in advance of intros if there was anything he particularly liked. She said he loved Monkeys so we bought him a cuddly monkey and DH had a t shirt with a monkey on it so he wore it on the day.

I also wore a chunky necklace as my SW told me that babies of that age love playing with them. It worked as after we had been there 5 mins he crawled onto my lap to have a play with the necklace.

I really hope you have a better day today.

Congratulations!

Happiestinwellybobs · 09/01/2013 13:56

Congratulations and I hope you're having a better day today. 12 months can be a tricky age, and you are strangers to him. Everyone will be tense and he may be picking up on this. Hopefully you have a good FC so ask them for support, ideas of what might help. Good luck - it will get better.

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2013 20:26

No advice at all but just wish you well.

Hope it will go well for you all.

KristinaM · 10/01/2013 21:05

How's it going?

goshua · 10/01/2013 23:38

Hi been a foster parent for 37 years, Some babe's are fine some attatched do not worry, seen many mum's experence the same, Have a terrable Two's being placed soon very attatched too us , but feel sure will be cherished and loved, will take time lots of love and cuddles and understanding, but in all our years being involved in placements find that all go's well.
Good luck sure you and baby will have a very loving bond.

goshua · 11/01/2013 00:19

HI AGAIN thought you may like a few tips. WHEN Baby children stay or are placed use all the cloths and toys etc they come with even ask for their bedding
intruduce your new stuff gradual, try too make their room as it was. ask the
foster parents, Smell scents familier things will go some way too help them settle.
We have adopted 9 over the years and seen many more into Adoptive placements. Best too be relaxed and lade back baby will feel this in you use his brother if you can engage both in play together , brother may engage for you. As others have said he may be on an off day under the weather or teething or just a baby who crys alot. All the same just relax potter around
engage gradual. Good luck

KristinaM · 11/01/2013 11:27

Excellent advice from Goshua.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 11/01/2013 14:22

Yes very good advice.

Just remembered that one of the things our foster carer asked us to do was to put a pj top that I had worn in bed for a few nights into baby's cot so that he could get used to my smell!

Samd123 · 03/03/2013 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ladyofthehouse · 04/03/2013 19:58

Oh introductions are so hard!!

Our youngest DD that we adopted was 18 months when we met her and didn't take to me at all - in fact we are only just starting to get there!!

She was very wary of me, wouldn't let me hold her or anything - also meant DH had to see to all her sleepless nights as well though!

One bit of advice I had which really helped though was to always wear different jewellery - earrings or necklace as it gets their attention at that young age and they can't help but grab things which gets them close to you. It really helped.

I was also told not to try to hug or kiss her and to wait for her to get closer - very hard to do but again once she started to associate me with care - and more importantly food! - it started to happen naturally.

I hope it gets easier for you

FamiliesShareGerms · 04/03/2013 23:10

Sam, I think the extra few months can be really helpful in terms of the additional comprehension that a slightly older child may have

My top tip for introductions is simply to sit on the floor and wait for them to come to you...

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