encouraging bonding and atrachment

[gallivantsaregood]

Hi everyone,

Very soon our lo will be coming home ( we hope). He is coming to join our family and will become our son.Very excited here.

He will be approx 16mths but does have a bit of a delay and operates approx 1 yr old.. He is teeny and adorable.

Can any of you lovely people point me in the right direction of reading materials to help us to help him settle, to grieve for his current carers and to bond and attach to us.

Although this is a permanent fostering situation, our situation is more like adoption than fostering due to circumstances which J's why I posted here.

Iknow about the basics in relation to sheiks, limiting visitors, nit allowing anyone to change nappies, feed etc for a while, but nit sure how long etc? Or is it just dependent on him?

Any advice very gratefully received :-D

[aladdinsane]

I haven't posted on the adopters board before so hi everyone
Loads of good books.A good start is what every parent needs to know by margot - I forget her surname think its sunder land
Bryan Post is another good one
If you go on adoptionuk message board do a search for what to do in the first year's for really good suggestions. It may be pinned on the resources board

My DD was 15 months old. I would go for as much skin to skin contact as poss within what they can tolerate and depending on history. Think new born babe. I bathed daily with DD with lots of singing in the bath to make it fun and to encourage eye contact
Lots of singing and clapping with them facing you - again as much eye contact as poss
Swimming is good for non threatening contact
I got a sling - the material type- and carried dd about in it

Good luck its very exciting

[aladdinsane]

Sorry- just re read and see you are fostering
The bath wont be allowed then but you can do the swimming and other things

[aladdinsane]

Found the auk thread but my tablet won't link
adoptionuk.org on the message boards suggested resources section and is titled 'things to do in the first year of placement'

[gallivantsaregood]

Thanks. I will check those out.:-D

Our Ssw has said we will be able to access support from the adoption side of the agency too which is good but not been setup yet.

I thought that about the bath too. Not sure what thoughts will be on skin/skin, surely we can find a 'safe' way of doing it. If it us what is best for lo surely it's that's best. All SW involved are saying clearly that thus is adoption in everything but name.

So excited and nervous. Matching panel very soon!! Xx

[ledkr]

Margot Sutherland is the lady mentioned above and dan Hugh's "building the bonds of attachment" is an excellent read.
Knowing and accepting as much as possible about his early and ore birth experiences and any trauma will help massively and re creating anything that he lacked eg cuddles and rocking but the book will explain.
Congratulations and good luck.

[gallivantsaregood]

Thanks. Gave the Dan Hughes one and it us fab. Thanks again. Just want to get it as right as we can for him.

[gallivantsaregood]

That would be have not gave!

[aladdinsane]

Also forgot to say - feeding each other is great for safe bonding
DD and I used to eat finger foods off the same plate and feed each other. I started to encourage her to eat more healthy foods but it was good for bonding
Bottle feeding is good too - think young and carry bottle feeding on longer than you would for a BC

[aladdinsane]

Keep remembering more
Safe touch as frequently as reasonably possible
ruffling hair, brushing/straightening clothes,putting cream on after a bath - all with eye contact whenever poss

[Lilka]

Congratulations on your new son :)

I think most things are very dependent on the child, and once you get to know lo you will get a feeling for what he can and can't manage and when the right time to do things is

But as a general rule, keep his world small and things low key to start with. Don't overwhelm with visitors. However I introduced the closest people early on to my DS who was 23 months when he moved in. His oldest sister came round the day after he moved in and from then visited very often. I just introduced people in dribs and drabs rather than all at once. First sister, then grandparent, then my best friend who is my primary babysitter and so on from there.

Provide as much care as possible yourself, to encourage attachment. Feeds, nappy change, bedtime routine and so on, so he learns that you are going to be the mummy not any other of the strangers he meets. For how long is your judgement and dependent on him

Be careful about where you take him - try to avoid very noisy and busy places. Soft play areas for instance can be very overstimulating

Grief, you have to let happen and pass with time. It's very painful to witness but with a little boy his age there's not much you can do except expect it, comfort him and let it happen

[gallivantsaregood]

Thanks Lilka. Did any of you worry about whether your lo's would like you? A bit nervous about that. DH a bit less worried than me though.......

[KristinaM]

Erm...he shouldn't like you. Well not at first. 12 month old children don't like total strangers which is what you are. He needs time. But if he has bonded to his current FCs then he has the capacity to bond to you. But you can't grieve one relationship and make another at the same time. So don't expect too much too soon .

Remember he can't read your mind OR the SS plan.he doesn't know you are his new parents ( his third set in a year or so ) . You are just Martians who have kidnapped him. He needs time, regular routines to reduce the uncertainly, simplicity to reduce the stress and time with his primary carer.

This isn't like normal fostering-you are trying to build attachment to last a lifetime, not caring for soemone else child on a temporary basis. This isn't about getting him slotted into your routine ASAP or pushing him on to meet his developmental goals. Seize the oppertunity to treat him at his developmenatl age rather than his chronological age. Make up for lost time.

[Lilka]

Oh yes I worried. Not so much for DS, but I certainly worried before meeting my eldest. She was 10 and a half and I felt very anxious and keen to make a good impression. I was terrified of meeting her and her then turning to her fc and saying 'I didn't like her, I don't to meet her again or go to live with her!'. That didn't happen!!

But you just have to try and put that aside and be yourself as much as possible when you meet him, although intros are pretty artificial. He might like you or he might just not be interested in you, depends how he reacts to strangers in general. Either way, when he moves in, you will build up a loving bond slowly. The first meeting might feel monumental, but when he is older, he won't remember it! So whether he reacts well or not isn't crucial - what matters is what happens after he moves in. Try not to worry

[gallivantsaregood]

Thank you both for your input. Read a great article yesterday about an adult agreeing to marry love if her life, waking up with someoneelse, staying there for a while, then being take into a plane, getting off and bring handed over to another man........ All her grieving/ emotions/fears/ etc detailed. Fantastic. Gave great perspective on all that our children experience and have to process before, during and after transition...... Will post link if I can

[gallivantsaregood]

Here it is : www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=53&Itemid=77

[gallivantsaregood]

www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=53&Itemid=77

[KristinaM]

What a good article. as an adoptee and an a-parent, find it very painful reading

[Italiangreyhound]

I am in tears, what an amazing and painful piece of writing. Very helpful.

[gallivantsaregood]

I explained the 'story' to my MIL, who is dutch. Reading it would be too difficult for her. She looked quite confused until I said, what thus woman experienced is what nany children experience and the realisation hit her............ Am planning on directing our SSW to this. Would be very useful to many people, especially those going through the process and fir SWs to remind them just what we put children through whilst trying to do our best for them x