My DD is almost 5, she hasn't seen her bio dad since she was 18months (his choice). The last time he saw her we hadn't been in contact for 9 months previously, despite my best attempts to get him to 'step up'. He saw her maybe 3 times shortly after she was born.
Relationship broke down because of his coke addiction and the fact that he made me call myself an ambulance when I was very ill whilst pregnant because he was too f*cked to remember basic details like my DOB and how many weeks pregnant I was 
. We lived in London together and I relocated home halfway through my pregnancy to be nearer my parents and support network where I have stayed ever since.
He was unemployed for a long time, when he did get a new job he actively avoided the CSA (hanging up the phone when they called him, not returning paperwork they'd sent him etc) and they eventually got an attachment of earnings order so we now receive monthly maintenance.
I met my DH over 3 years ago, we are now married and now have a DS. He's the only person DD has ever known as Dad and she now has his surname in school, dentist and Dr's etc although legally she is still my maiden name as bio dad has PR.
DH would like to adopt DD just in case anything happened to me as we want to assure that she would not have to live with bio dad, given she knows very little about him (I've recently started to explain the situation in basic terms and how she's had 2 dad's etc but she shows little interest beyond that unless I mention it - understandable given her age). It's not about making us complete as a family as we are very stable and secure - it's more about ensuring stability for her in the event of something happening to me or if DH needed to make choices about her medical treatment, which is likely as she has been in hospital a few times with breathing difficulties.
As I understand it, bio dad would need to give his consent to her being adopted by DH and I really can't judge how he would react to this. He believes in possessions and I would imagine he would try and throw a spanner in the works, out of a sense of 'she's mine' (which I know she is biologically but not in any other sense). I think the not having to pay maintenance would give him food for thought though.
I was also wondering what grounds they would grant an adoption, without his consent? I saw on here earlier that one of the reasons it can be granted is on grounds of abandonment. In my eyes, he abandoned her a long time ago but would this be sufficient in the courts eyes? I have the same email address and mobile number as I always have so he could easily have got in touch, if he wanted contact. He sent me a one line email over a year ago asking if our address was the same as he wanted to send a birthday card (this was at 1.30am at the weekend so likely to be drunk etc) and I responded giving him the address as we had moved and that was it, no further email and no cards etc.
The last thing I want to happen is to upset the apple cart if it's likely to fail. I don't want to rewrite history and I'm not wanting to make stories about how DH was there at the birth when he wasn't, I just want to ensure some security for my DD and to acknowledge my DH as her dad, in every sense of the word. He's flaky at best and I know he would never commit to seeing her regularly and past experience has taught me he drops off the face of the earth when the going is tough or he has a new woman on the scene. The few short visits he made here he spent the entire time bleating 'she doesn't like me' whilst simultaneously texting a women and refusing to interact with a toddler.
If it's a case of wait a few more years of zero contact then I'm also happy to do that, but I keep thinking about it and I'm not sure whether to take the plunge and just go for it. But will I regret it if he's foisted back in to our lives, with all his flakiness, selfishness and possible drug use.
Sorry for the essay!
Adoption
Step parent adoptions - thoughts?
DragonMamma · 11/11/2012 13:31
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
My bio dad signed his rights over to my step dad once he realised he wouldn't have to pay for me. (Not like he did anyway)
My mum also had to adopt me when ny step dad did. To me at 10 it seemed straight forward. I went into a room with my mum and dad and a panel of people were there. One asked if I was happy for him to adopt me. They also gave me the option to change my first and middle name. Mum wouldn't let me 
This was christmas eve 10/11 year ago now so don't know if anything has changed.
I did not feel rejected by bio dad as when I did see him I never called him dad and I never will. The best thing he did for me was sign me over. The fact my birth certificate now says the man who brought me up from the age of 2s name and some man I saw once in a blue moon meant a lot.
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