meeting ds birth mum

[cedar12]

Hi, I am meant to be meeting ds birth mum sometime soon.
I am glad i am going to meet her, but not sure what to say! My s/w will be there.
Just wondering how others have dealt with this?
What should i talk about?

[LaurieBlueBell]

That's a tough one. I think it really depends on her and how she feels about the adoption.

I have direct contact once a year with DDs birth mum. Funnily enough we saw her yesterday. She has had time to come to terms with DDs adoption and our time together is quite easy. After the first few meets in a contact centre under supervision I suggested we start meeting in town for a coffee without a SW. This makes it much more natural for dd. I always try to include her part in DDs life in our conversation. Yesterday we discussed DDs birth and she told DD exactly what time she was born, how she was 10 days overdue and how she used to kick bm in the ribs etc. DD was fascinated to hear about her birth.
DD was recently referred to hospital with eye problems. They asked the usual question about family history and I couldn't answer. I took the opportunity to ask her BM yesterday. She had exactly the same problem as a child herself.

I realise myself DD is very lucky to have the chance to build a relationship with her bm and have questions answered. Not everyone has (or wants) that copportunity.

How long has your DS been with you? If you have any questions about health, extended family etc now would be a great chance to get answers.

I hope it goes well.

[cedar12]

Thanks Laurie.He has only been with us a few months. After this we are doing yearly letter box.

[cedar12]

She has accepted the adoption now from what the s/w has said.

[mrspopov]

We met BM prior to placement and allowed her to ask most of the questions! She was very keen to know about us and how we proposed to bring up DD. We did ask about medical history, as thought that might crop up in the future, we also asked about BMs family background. We were very glad that we met her, DD asks about her BM and likes that we met her. Only the other day I was able to say to DD that she looks a lot like her BM, as photos don't often show that too well, she was quietly chuffed.

As laurie says it would be nice to know what time your DS was born, etc, as that's something children like to know.

Good luck!

[MaryZcary]

The social worker will lead the conversation.

If you have some photographs you are willing to give her, it is a good way of starting to talk about things.

If there is anything she has given to him take a photograph to show that you have passed them on.

The sw will avoid talking about why he has been adopted, so you needn't worry too much about that. But it is a nice idea to ask about wider family background, health etc. But try to avoid it seeming to be like an interview, keep it more chatty than as though you are trying to "find things out" iyswim.

And remember, if it is distressing, (which it is unlikely to be) you will be going home to him, so just try to remain calm.

[cedar12]

Thanks everyone. Thats a really good idea about what time he was born.