DF disapproves of adoption...how best to carry on regardless?

[Ullena]

I told my DF that we have decided to apply to adopt. Much to my shock, he replied that adoption was a bad idea, and that we would be far more sensible to put in to become professional foster carers, as we would recieve a salary for this, and would be able to pass any children on after a while!

Am really hurt by his attitude. He is aware that we cannot conceive, and I thought that he knew just how much we wanted to have a family. I do respect foster carers, btw, but I know that I would never want to have to give our children up, iyswim.

Sorry, just needed to share I guess I will not be sharing our journey with DF after all.

[Blu]

Bloody hell.

What a horrible response to you.

Worrying too because interviewing families is part of the adoption process, is it not?

He needs to have a good long think about supporting you! I wonder what he fears about an adopted grandchild?

[MsHighwater]

What a bizarre attitude (his, not yours). Maybe it's just while it's an abstract concept for him. When there's an actual child whom you, and he, can come to regard as yours, he'll come to his senses. Good luck with it all.

[Ullena]

Blu, he has just set his mind that adoption is bad. He says he knows best, as he was a SW for forty odd years, etc. I suspect it is the money side of things, sad to say he is very mercenary regarding finances.

He doesn't live anywhere close by, about forty miles from us, and is only distantly involved with family life in general. He is that sort of person - on birthdays he would rather send a nice card with a gift token or cheque to his existing grandkids than spend time with them, for example. So hopefully he will not put SS off! I have already mentioned to them that most of my side of the family live quite far away, and that our immediate support network is made up of DH's relations and numerous mutual friends.

[Ullena]

MsHighwater, thank you but I am not holding my breath! He is stubborn.

[scarlet5tyger]

Maybe you should show him my "salary" of £112 per week, and only when I have a child in place! And remind him I cannot get another job because I have to be at home for the child... !

I'm not offended by your comment, btw, as I know lots of adopters would hate to have to move on their children, whereas it's part of. My job

[Ullena]

Scarlet5tyger, really hope you are not offended. I am not cut out to foster, I would be in bits every time a child moved on. I think foster carers are amazing to do what they do.

I was completely horrified when he said what he said! It was over the phone and I know I should sit down in person and discuss it with him but he was just so negative. I had called him to let him know that we wanted to talk to him about our decision, but now I find myself a bit, well very, ashamed of his attitude! Not sure if I want to visit any time soon...

[Italiangreyhound]

Ullena I'm only a newbie myself so have no real knowledge of the process but I do feel sure that having a negative father living anywhere around would NOT put a problem for you in the process if you were NOT relying on him as part of your support network. (iyswim)

I am not sure if they do interview all your close relatives or not but I would imagine that they must meet a lot of people who are brilliant adopters but have people in their lives who are not supportive. After all you can't choose your parents so no one would think it reflected badly onto you.

As far as his coming around to your decision I would just let it lie for a while, tell him stuff if you want to tell him, not if you don't. Call him if you want to, not if you don't and the same with visits. If he comes around to see that what you are doing is exciting and life changing and wonderful then that is great but if he remains negative about it then I would imagine you would not want to subject any children you adopt to that attitude. Also, as you say he is more of a card and voucher from afar grandparent so that is probably what you could expect anyway. I would say it is him who is loosing out but to be fair it's his life and if that is how he feels then maybe it is best all round if that is how he lives it.

The important thing (imho) is to get support from those family and friends who are positive with you in this decision, to discuss any concerns with your DH and not allow other people's negativity to diminish your joy.

All the very best.

[Ullena]

Italiangreyhound, thank you. We have had a lot of support from DH's side of the family, and my siblings are also supportive but geographically not near us.

We will not push it with DF, I will ask him the next time we talk if he wants to be kept informed or not and let him decide for himself.

[RandomMess]

I am just at his attitude, you become adoptive parents because well you want to be parents, you become foster carers because you feel you can offer a home and support to children whilst they are with you and their long term future is decided/resolved

[Kewcumber]

I wasn't in touch with my estranged father at all and managed to get through an entire home study without the SW noticing. Which wasn't exactly a problem as I hardly relied on him for support! It's shit, you're in this lovely excited bubble feeling like you're moving on with the next stage of your life and then someone you expect to feel excited with you rains on your parade. I think your idea to ask him if he wants to be kept informed or not is a good idea. It does hurt and it will perpetually annoy you if he can't treat your new child as a real part of the family but I guess we've probably all dealt with someone who has reacted like this. It gets both easier and harder when you have a child because you put up with way less shit on behalf of your child than you do for yourself and yet you feel aggrieved on your childs behalf.

The fostering comment is annoying but irrelevant. He doesn't understand that fostering and adoption are totally different things. One is building a family of your own and one is being a professional carer (regardless of how badly paid and how caring!). You may as well go the whole hog and say well why not be a nursery nurse, then you don't even have to deal with the children overnight!

[Ullena]

Kewcumber, don't give him any more ideas! RandomMess, yes that is the difference, and as Kewcumber says, DF does not seem to get it...

[Devora]

Ouch, Ullena, that is terrible. I am so very sorry . IME people are very strange about adoption, and often shockingly negative. My grandfather flew halfway round the world to try to dissuade me from it, just weeks before dd came to live with us. It must be very hurtful that your father, who with his professional experience should know better, should just dismiss your need to be a mother and have a family.

I was going to suggest you give your father the BAAF book on adoption for grandparents, but it sounds like he knows the facts about adoption already, or thinks he does, so maybe there's no mileage in that. I'd certainly give him some time to think these over - you've got a year or two before your plan becomes reality, so you can afford to give him some space. But at some point you will need to make clear to him that he will have to embrace your family, or substantially lose you from his life. You simply cannot subject a child to a grandparent who rejects them, so he will have to choose whether to at least pretend to accept your child as his grandchild, or be distanced from your family unit.

The social worker will want to explore all this with you. Having disruptions and dysfunctions in your family is not in itself a bar to adoption - like kew, I have a deadbeat dad and the social worker certainly didn't need to see him. But my estrangement happened years ago, and yours is fresh. So you will need to discuss what impact this has on you and on your extended family, how you will manage the situation, how you will protect your child from picking up on reverberations etc.

I really hope he comes round. They often do. My own mother was clearly not mad keen on the idea of me adopting (just as she hadn't been keen on me having a birth child) but came right round once she met dd. "If I'd known she would be this cute..." she kept saying

[FamiliesShareGerms]

How horrid for you. At least he has said it, rather than just thinking it as you can now have a discussion

My parents had real reservations about us adopting. They were worried about all sorts, but including (in no particular order)

• having a child with significant problems
  
• the impact on our son on said child
  
• "what if they just leave you when they are 18?" (direct quote...)
  
• having a child who looked very different to the rest of the family (I think that was a veiled reference to not wanting a black grandchild, I am embarrassed to say)
  
• having a child forced upon us by SS
  

And plenty more. We talked about these, but I don't think we convinced them. But, as someone said up thread, this was when we were talking in the abstract. When we called to tell them about being matched with DD they both cried (happy tears!!) and they fell in love with her straight away and now you wouldn't know that they had ever had doubts.

DH and I found it hard, but we decided that we had done other things in our life together of which they had disapproved, and we were certain that adoption was right for us.

Good luck, OP, and do try to talk to your dad about his fears if you can

[Ullena]

Devora, I think that the BAAF book may be useful, as although he was a SW, he worked solely with young offenders. He is never keen when any family member announces that they are trying for a child/pregnant either, but is not actively hostile when the children do arrive. Just distant. But as I said, he is a distant sort of person anyway. I do not think that he will want to be excluded from our family in the long term however.

FamiliesShareGems, yes it is not the first time that we have gone our own way! If DF had his way, we would be living in my home town and following totally different career paths too! But he does usually accept things given time. I will just have to stand my ground and explain our case in very simple terms.

I do sort of feel like going arrrggh, though!

[LocoParentis]

Ullena its like someone deflates your happy bubble isn't it . We had the same problem when DH told MIL she questioned him (in detail) about who's 'fault' it was that we couldn't have a child naturally and then said 'well keep me posted' before ending the conversation.
Luckily for us, like your DF she does not live close. We've just drawn a line under it. We are telling her as things progress and she can choose to engage and be a grandmother or be visited very rarely.

They are grown adults, if they can't manage the basic level of support and encouragement for their DC's when they need it then fuck them why should we run around after them supporting and encouraging them to support us iyswim.

I'll climb down from my soap box now and join you in the arrggh

[Ullena]

LocoParentis, arrgghh makes it all better, well sort of!

[Fishwife1949]

Move in a child after a while my last placement (i am currently and foster carer but going down adoption road ) was nearly 3 years and that is only because the dad finally came forward otherwise foster child still would be here now



We have choosen not to tell anyone apart until such time as we are approved