How much are birth parent/s normally told about the adoptive parent/s?

[Italiangreyhound]

Can I please ask, how much are birth parent/s normally told about the adoptive parent/s?

I am just curious.

We are right at the start and feeling overwhelmed already by all that I do not know!

[Lovesoftplay]

We met the birth parents of the children we adopted so they know our first names and what we look like but that's it really.

We met in a totally neutral place so they would have no idea where we live.

I have looked for them on FB but neither are on there (that I can find), I don't know whether they have done the same for us, but they do not know our surname so it would be tricky.

We had a closed court case to protect anonymity (sp?) but they didn't contest anyway, so that was a lot of hassle for nothing!!

I don't know how typical this is for other families though tbh?

x x

[shockers]

I think it depends on the circumstances surrounding the adoption. The birth parents of our children have no idea what we look like, or where we live. We were not allowed to meet them, but were given photos of them, for the children.

They were told our approximate ages and that we had an older son, but nothing else.

I have also looked on fb, and googled their names, but found nothing.

[Lilka]

Depends on the situation and how professional the SW's involved are

It will range from something completely anonymous to them knowing a lot. Mostly they would know your first names, approximate age, family structure but little else. You will probably also have a meeting with them and they might ask you some more questions then

However unfortunately I do know of several instances of SW's accidentally letting slip surnames and locations, either verbally or by not blanking out information on documents. It's not a common mistake though thankfully!

Personally, DD2 and DS mum does know my surname and the area in which we live, if not our exact address, but that's fine for us

[Moomoomie]

Our birth mother was told our first names and the fact we were childless. We met maternal grandparents and were planning to meet BM the same day, but she did not turn up for the meeting, although she had been given a rail card for this purpose.

We have twice yearly letterbox contact, the BM must have though we were ok enough, because when she became pregnant again and it became apparent the child could not go home with her, she requested we adopted the baby too, which we were extremely happy to do.

BM then asked us to stop letterbox contact with her, but to continue with grandparents.

[Kewcumber]

"I met with some of her extended family" - I didn't know that Bran (though I guess there's no reason why I should!). What a great opportunity particularly as it went well.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

It depends how much SS know about the birth parents - if they don't co operate with SS (or eg the father is unknown) there's not much they can tell. Generally I think they aim to tell as much as possible eg physical appearance, background, medical history.

We know quite a lot about DD's birth parents and have lots of family photos, and although we don't sit and look through their pictures all the time it's nice to know that they are there for when she's older. I met her birth mother too, and was glad I did. I haven't looked on Facebook, partly in case that search could somehow be traced and partly because I don't really want to know.

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks one and all.

Famliessharegerms I meant how much are birth parents told about adoptive parents - not the other way round, but, of course, it is good to hear of your experiences too.

For those who did meet their children's birth parents, I wonder how it all went. I am not sure I would cope with meeting them if that were me. I guess a lot depends on how it all goes. I have spoken to people generally in real life who did not meet the birth parents so this was something new to me.

Thank you all so much.

[Devora]

Italiangreyhound, I'm really sad I didn't get the opportunity to meet the birth mother, as was planned. I'm sure it would have been a very awkward encounter, but really worthwhile for a number of reasons:

1. I genuinely felt sorry for her, despite events, and hoped it would help her to see us (and hopefully decide we are quite nice people)
   

1. I wanted to be able to tell dd something real and human about her birth mother - that she had a lovely laugh, or that she loves singing just like you, or that she said when you were in her tummy you used to kick whenever she played dance music.
   

1. I wanted a photo of us together, for dd to have in her memory box.
   

Every adopter I know who has met birth parents has found it worthwhile in some way.

[Lilka]

I have never met an adoptive parent who regreted having such a meeting. Most people find that, as Devora said, it makes the birth parent/s become human and real, rather than just writing on a document

I personally have met DD2 and DS mum several times. It's enlightening meeting someone in the flesh. I have a much better sense of who their mother is from a meeting than I could get from the information I was given on her beforehand

I also value the conversations we have had, and I can relay them to the children and know that it's fully accurate. I can tell them about her from my perspective, rather than the perspective of the social worker. I could answer some of their mothers questions. Reassure her that I will love them and care for them. To her, I also became more human I guess!

And as Devora said, photos of you together can show your child that their birth parents are at least somewhat accepting of the situation. I know some adopters (me included for our first meeting) went into the meeting apprehensive, and finished it with a hug!

My LA say publically on their website that they expect all their adopters to agree to a one off meeting (if appropriate). It's a condition of being accepted and progressing to homestudy. That might mean I know more people who've had meetings than maybe elsewhere in the country, if other LA's do not do these meetings as frequently?

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Sorry, Italian must pay more attention

I don't think DD's birth parents were told much about us at all, including details like us having a birth child, mainly because although there was no immediate danger of them trying to track us down, with a few personal details it wouldn't have been too hard.

Meetings with birth parents aren't obligatory with the LA we adopted through, but they are encouraged. But, for example, because of the birth Father's background SS were adamant it wouldn't be safe for us to meet him. And I went on my own to meet the birth mother, because DH is very recognisable and traceable (not famous or anything!). One of the other sets of adopters from our prep group have met the birth parents, but the others haven't.

Top tip: if you have to sign into a visitors book in the place you meet the birth parent(s), do not use your real name (otherwise the birth parents can see it when they sign in / out.....)

[Kewcumber]

"I am not sure I would cope with meeting them if that were me." well that is possible, everyone is different. I would also bear in mind that how you feel now about the imaginary child in your head will be different to how you feel when you have bonded with them.

I would give a lot to be able to have some birth family contact, because I think it would be so good for DS to have that link however small. I though in advance that I would want to ignore even the presence of birth family, that life would be much easier for me that way. But now that DS is real and he's here and I love him, I would do a lot to make his path in life easier and more fulfilling - and if that means contact with birth parents, I would do it.

[Italiangreyhound]

Famiies no worries, I rarely pay attention!

Kew I know what you mean, it is all in my head at the moment, it is not a reality at all. If we were to adopt from overseas I feel pretty sure I would feel differently about meeting the birth parents. Also, if the child were relinquished I think I would feel quite different about meeting them. But the idea that they were opposed to the adoption and then had to meet me, I had to meet them, it is kind of scary. I imagine they would be angry and I guess it would feel like a confrontation. If it were the right thing to do, a requiremement etc then I guess I would have to. I only know three people who have adopted and I am fairly sure that none of them met the birth parents. They adopted at different times, I mean one was a long time ago and two more recently. I am just not sure what i would say or ask or what they would say. As you know, it is all going on in my head as we speak!

[Lilka]

For me, it was certainly extremely emotional, but not at all confrontational

The SW visited us both in advance, and got a list of our questions. Then their mother was given my questions and I was given hers. We worked out our answers in advance. It meant we were able to think of good answers in advance and weren't thrown by any question. I think all meetings should be organised that way, i'm sure they aren't

After quetions we ended up just talking a bit about DD2 and she shared lots about DD with me, some stuff I didn't know. We ended up hugging and in tears

But as I said, it may just be less common in some LA's, so depending where you are, it may be unlikely. And of course, in some cases it's not safe. If the BP's were known to be very anti the adoption, i doubt a meeting would be organised - it wouldn't be in my LA

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks Lilka. That sounds really good, not at all as scary as I imagined.

I should just clarify when I said earlier:

"If we were to adopt from overseas I feel pretty sure I would feel differently about meeting the birth parents." We are approaching LA to adopt domestically but a few years ago we considered overseas adoption, especially China (as I have some vague experience/connection to China). Sadly, the wait was just too long and we could not do it (it was so long I would have been too old by the end of it!) and we decided now to for domestic adoption but I have a great interest in many places overseas and have done a project at a Romanian orphanage and I am sure I would feel differently if we were adopting from a different culture and if meeting the birth parents at adoption might have ensured the chance for contact later - ifswim!

I guess I was nervous that there might be a risk and social workers might allow a meeting when birth parents would be very angry with me etc!

It is a massive learning curve getting my head around all the issues connected to adoption and you 'gals' are a massive help, so thank you very much.

[voddiekeepsmesane]

As a birth parent 23 years ago in New Zealand I went for a total open adoption. I got FULL bios of all prospective parents and made a chioce through those.

After making my chioce, I met with them in a neutral place and had a chat, them asking questions as well as me. After baby was born they visited hospital and had time with baby both with me there and alone. Only after I was happy and the 6 weeks was up did I sign the papers.

All of this resposibilty on a 15 year olds shoulders!

We had photo and letter contact as well as I met p with them at their house when I was 22 before I moved to England.

I kept contact until he was 16 then his parents gave him the choice. I did contact him once more 8 yers ago to let him know he has a bio half brother. He wrote a short message back but has not been in contact since.

His parents and I still have contact every few years.

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks so much, one and all, for sharing your experiences.

It's very helpful to get more perspectives than my own.