Worried about letting my SIL have close contact with children if we get approved to adopt

[Ullena]

Hi I am new here. Could do with a bit of advice as to whether to cut back on contact with SIL?

My DH and I are hoping to adopt as we cannot concieve. We have had contact with our LA and they are happy for us to apply. The social worker we talked to initially felt we had a good grasp of the realities of adoption.

If we are successful, I worry about letting my SIL have any contact with our child or children. SIL has no concept of moderating her conversations to suit non-adults. Even adults are often shocked or offended by her rants - and they are rants, I am sad to say.

DH and I both care about SIL, but we also worry that her behaviour may jeoporadise our chance at building a family of our own, or impact badly on it...

DH's other sibling refuses to allow SIL to have much contact with his children, as he worries she may upset them. She sees them at family get togethers, but it is all carefully managed. More distant family have started to avoid any contact with her at all. It is very sad, but SIL can be both rude and intimidating and she is utterly unrepentent about her behaviour.

We just are not sure what to do at this point.

[Hassled]

Follow the other sibling's lead. She sounds like a nightmare.

[puds11]

You being able to adopt is more important than considering a rude woman who could change if she wanted

[MrsTerryPratchett]

If you get a good adoption SW, talk to them about it. They may have worries or they may have strategies.

Did the other sibling tell her why contact was reduced?

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Suggest you re-post this in the Adoptions section (under "becoming a parent") for more advice from adopters, but it sounds as if you would do well to consider how you would manage a relationship between any children you adopt and your SIL, including by ending all contact altogether. Be prepared to discuss it with your SW and maybe take their advice on what would be best. It shouldn't be a bar to you adopting, though, if that's worrying you

[Ullena]

MrsTerryPratchett, yes he explained to her. He took her out for lunch and sat her down and talked about his concerns. SIL accused him of making his children see her as a freak, and that he was just being nasty and making her not see them as he thought they would take after her and be true to themselves, etc!

She won't hear BIL's name mentioned now without starting on about how awful he is...

[Ullena]

Thank you, FamiliesShareGems, we were concerned about that. We will talk it over with the SW. Ultimately, we are prepared to end contact if need be, but obviously this is not something that either of us wants to happen.

Also, reposting - do I post a new thread or can I move this one?

[bumpybecky]

I'd be very upfront with the SW and ask them how they'd like the situation managed. Make it clear that you're willing to restrict contact if that's what is needed.

I've reported your thread to MNHQ and asked for it to be moved to adoptions. It's not possible to do it yourself.

Good luck with the adoption :)

[bobbledunk]

What is she ranting about?

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

YANBU to be worried, but it seems pointless to worry too much before you have your children. Talk to the SW about your concerns if it would help you to feel better, but your children will be your priority when you have them so if you think she will be a negative influence on them, you will have to see her away from them.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Oh yes, forgot to say good luck with the adoption too (one of the best things we ever did!)

[Otheregos]

You have to do what's right for you, personally I would do what your dhs sibling has done and keep it limited. Goodluck with the adoption, it's an amazing thing to do

[OlympiaMumsnet]

Hi we can move this thread to our adoptions topic
Thanks
MNHQ

[Kewcumber]

I too think you need not worry overly about this yet. Lots of things will determine how you behave - the age of the child you adopt for example (very young children probably won;t be exposed enough to her to be a worry initally and you will discover that your assessment of what the right thing to do for your child gets better the longer you are a parent - just l;ike everyone else!). OR it may be that you get an older child whose chaotic previous family life means you want as calm and stable a start for them with you as possible. You will be amazed how prepared you are to do the right thing for your child even if it offends SIL.

You might try saying that the child has come from chaotic circumstances and you aren't prepared for her to have much contact with the child unless she tempers her behaviour.

But I certainly wouldn't worry too much about it yet - most of us have some kind of peculiar family dynamic and we manage to rasie our (adoptive) children in safety and calm (relatively!)

[Ullena]

Thanks for getting this thread moved, everyone!

I think our main concern was that since SIL is close family the SW might be worried but in fairness we only see her (SIL) once or twice a week in person. And yes, if she refused to moderate her speech and the sort of language too then we would cut back on contact, if need be entirely.

Bobbledunk - SIL is inclined to rant about everything. Books, films, music, politics, and BIL for the most part. Generally speaking, she just gets very loud, and swears a lot. However, if anyone expresses a different opinion - as in, liking a different type of music to her - then the problem starts. SIL will begin by elaborating why she is right and they are wrong. After that, she will say that they have upset her by disagreeing. She will attempt to get other people to take her part in order to force the other person to apologise and change their view, and can also be quite devious about this. If all that fails, then she starts to get verbally belligerent. Yes, it is a sort of bullying behaviour and tbh DH and I find it disgraceful.

She has lost friends in the past because of her behaviour but she makes new friends very easily so she doesn't care. Sad to say that her parents allowed her to behave this way growing up - she was very ill as a baby and they spoilt her a great deal after this. Needless to say, they regret it now and wish that they had been stricter with her. She is now in her early thirties and still living at home with them, although she is looking for her own home at the moment.

[miacis]

Hi. Certain this won't count against you. Sw are interested in your parenting capacity, awareness of the range of issues you face plus your support network. I would be completely upfront about sil.

Coping with difficulties just shows you are rounded, experienced people so counts in your favour.

FWIW this sounds like borderline personality disorder. Could be completely wrong. My mum had it so you have my sympathies.

Best of luck with the process

[Ullena]

Thank you. It is nice to be able to ask about things like this! This forum is really great!