IVF and adoption

[akuabadoll]

hello,

I have a decision to make which only I can make. If anyone should be able to share any related experiences of their own, I would be very interested to hear them.

I wanted children, in a perfect world, bio and adopted. My interest in adoption was always higher and we took a 'whatever happens first approach'. Adoption happened first and we have a three year old son adopted as an infant.

I would love to have two children and a sibling for our son. Currently we can't adopt again (it's possible that will change in a year, but I can't be sure). We have TTCed naturally this year with no success. I have never been interested in assisted conception but am thinking about IVF (with low success rates due to my age) in the context of trying not to disregard possible opportunities to have a second child.

I'm grateful for any relevant experiences (IVF before or after adoption) you may have.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Why can't you adopt again?

[Devora]

I think you will find plenty of people who have had IVF before adoption; far fewer who adopted first. I'm slightly intrigued by your 'whatever happens first' approach - does that mean you were ttc through the adoption process? And why can't you adopt again? You don't say your age, but presuming you are over 40, it would surely be easier to adopt again?

[akuabadoll]

Yes Devora of course I agree, I'm more likely to find women who tried IVF first, I thought I might find their experiences interesting anyway. In explanation, I'm 39, soon to turn 40. I live overseas and I'm the only Brit of the family. Our adoption and any future adoptions are not connected to the UK. Adoption for us is dependent on were in the world we are living and our current location precludes adoption but opens the possibility of IVF. We are due to move in a year, likely opening the possibility of adoption up again, but we cannot be sure. Lastly, no we didn't TTC through the adoption process as such, by the time we figured out the adoption process it disappeared from my mind completely.

[Devora]

Ah, I see. Have you tried the adoptionuk.org forum? It can be a bit scary but there are loads more adopters on there so more chance of finding someone who has done this, I think.

Best of luck.

[akuabadoll]

Thanks Devora I haven't no, I might have a look. I've not looked any specific adoption sites actually. Good of you to suggest.

[akuabadoll]

Hi Maryz , there is this issue of closure, I have heard it from those who tried IVF without success. I do wonder what would happen after one round and if I would be opening the door to another decision. Thanks for replying.

[Italiangreyhound]

akuabadoll hi, I have spoken to you before I think.

Do you in your heart know what you want to do? I wonder whether some things are holding you back. Are you afraid of doing IVF or afraid of not? As you say only you really know. You know what will be best for you as a woman and a couple and a family.

My experience is that we conceived our dd with IUI when I was aged 39. Since then we have had lots of also IUI and IVF. I do understand about the issue of closure, it is hard if yuo have IVF and it doesn't work. But personally, I would rather try and fail than not try BUT only if it is right for you.

All the very best, and feel free to ask me anything if you would like to.

[akuabadoll]

Yes indeed Italian we last 'talked' on your hubby tales thread. I wrote because softplay mentioned something about her DH and the experience with IVF which I was interested in. In answer to your question, in my heart I don't want to do IVF. But who wants to right? A means to an end. I think in all likelihood I will wait and hope we can adopt again. I just want to be sure I understand my own decision and look at it from every angle. Thanks for your good wishes, the same to you on your upcoming adoption process.

[adoptmama]

Hope you are able to make a decision you can feel at peace with. I consider myself lucky that I actually found discovering I was unlikely to conceive (due to severe scarring from endometriosis) very liberating -until that point I was still hoping to meet a partner and start a family, whilst fearing time was against me as I was past the mid 30's. Now, at 42, I have two gorgeous girls (age 5 and 2) from adoption. Like you I am a Brit living abroad and adopted outside of the UK. I wish you all the best in your journey and I hope you are able to move to a country which is open to your adoption plans.

[Italiangreyhound]

akuabadoll I wish you all the very best.

[Kewcumber]

depending on where you are in the world and how impossible the idea of another adoption... have you considered embryo adoption? IVF using embryos from a couple who don't intend to use the remaining embryos and don;t want them destroyed. If you have fertility or age issues - embryo adoption can work very succesfully and its easier in some countries to get donor embryos than donor eggs!

[Lovesoftplay]

I didn't know that was an option Kew, not that I would do it anymore but would have considered it when we were first doing the IVF thing :)

Akuabadoll did I ever answer any questions you had about IVF then moving onto adopting? Feel free to PM me if I didn't, my DH is certainly unique!!

[Italiangreyhound]

Lovesoftplay embryo 'adoption' is possible in the UK and other countries, I collected a lot of info on it in Spain sometime ago when we were going through treatment with donor eggs. It is a lot cheaper than treatment with donor eggs. In America they are quite big on it, they use a term 'snowflake' babies or children, or snowflakes for the frozen embryos themselves I think.

[Lovesoftplay]

Well, everyday is a school day!! I wonder why its not used much over here? It sounds a bleddy good idea to me :)

[Kewcumber]

I think more people here opt to have their embryos destroyed rather than used by a stranger. I suspect its a cultural thing but I could be wrong.

[Lovesoftplay]

I had my embryo's destroyed because I thought they were going to be used for stem cell research and they couldn't tell me 100% that they wouldn't be turned into human ears on a mouse!!

If I had known that this was an option, I would have donated them definately.

[Kewcumber]

It may depend on where you have your IVF - they probably need to have an embryo donation option (but I'm not sure). I donated my unused eggs for research but never had any spare embryos - wonder if I would have felt differntly about embryos?

[Italiangreyhound]

I wonder if it is because up until 2005 you could donate eggs/sperm and embryos annonymously and now you need to be identified, and maybe some people/donors are not keen on that. Also the criteria for donor is quite strict and so maybe people who are having fertility treatment do not always match that criteria ( e.g.)

"....the egg donor should be aged between 18 and 35, and the sperm donor between 18 and 45. In exceptional circumstances a clinic may accept donors outside this age bracket.

Embryo donor screening - Before you donate you will be required to undergo certain screening tests in order to reduce the risks of passing on diseases or deformities to any resultant child."

www.hfea.gov.uk/embryo-donation.html

It is sooooo weird looking at this stuff again, it seems like another life, I don't want to go back!!

[piprabbit]

Would it be possible for you to research and get referred to a good IVF clinic and then go along, purely to discuss your own personal circumstances.

We paid around £250 for an initial consultation, which included detailed interviews with the medical director and a sperm test for DH. We got advice that was tailored to my medical history, age etc. and found out their success rates for women like me (also found out they were using a new technology which significantly improved outcomes).

The initial consultation didn't commit us to going ahead with IVF - just gave us better information on which to make our decision. It might be money well spent to put your mind at rest either way.

[Lovesoftplay]

Thanks piprabbit, but I am way past wanting biological children now :) We tried IVF twice and it didn't work so I think its fate. We have 2 beautiful adopted sons who I would never have even met if we had been able to have biological children.

Italiangreyhound, I agree, looking back at this stuff just hardens my resolve about the decision we made to adopt!!

[Italiangreyhound]

It feel weird to read it now, like something from a long gone past!

[akuabadoll]

Thanks all, interesting discussion. I have never thought about adopting embryos before. I have a OB GYN who does IVF and he has never mentioned it, even if it is practiced here my guess is that he would not be comfortable with the idea in advance of a regular IVF. Interesting none the less. I'm considering doing a round of IVF before the end of the year even though I have always rejected the idea in the past. I can totally understand how weird it must feel to revisit the assisted conception stuff, I always put my head in the sand about it myself. I would rather go through another adoption process any day of the week!

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi akuabadoll glad to hear you are considering it if it is what you want. Just because I am not keen to go back, if circumstances were different I probably would.

If you do have treatment, maybe visit the fertility threads and go on the assisted conception one. Very supportive.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1494353-Assisted-Conception-and-the-bits-in-between-Volume-10?msgid=34151135#34151135

All best wishes.