Anyone out here who has given up their unborn for adoption?

(86 Posts)
whereabouts Tue 05-Jun-12 16:53:21

I am 24 weeks pregnant and thinking of giving up this baby for adoption. My husband has been pushing for abortion all through the pregnancy but it is something I couldn't do. I think I would give up this baby for adoption to save my marriage though.

Everyone (including the woman at Marie Stopes pregnancy counselling) said that adoption is far harder than abortion. I somehow don't really comprehend. Or do I? Has anyone been through this? What can I expect psychologically from this?

In a way I am thinking giving up a child for adoption at least gives them a chance to live. (I am 100% pro-choice btw, it's just not something for me... I hope not to offend anyone!)

ErikNorseman Fri 21-Dec-12 15:01:24

OP's baby will have been born by now. I wonder what happened. Hopefully she's happy with her 3 DCs and her knobhead husband is overcome with regret and remorse for his knobbishness.

One thing I have learnt is that adoption at birth doesn't guarantee that a child will grow up free from attachment issues, emotional difficulties or unhappiness. They have a better chance than older adoptees but no guarantees. The child would be better off with its mother (and that is no reflection on the adoptive parents posting on this thread, I hope you understand)

NanaNina Sun 02-Dec-12 23:43:54

Oh Nonio and Offredalba your posts touched me so much and I hope that the OP reads them and thinks carefully about your personal experiences. I was one of the young unmarried girls in the 60s who got pregnant outside of marriage and were it not for my wonderful parents who supported me, my baby would have been adopted.

OK OP you will have 3 children under 4 which will be tough but not as tough as giving your new baby up for adoption. I may be wrong but it seems to me that you must want the baby or you would have had an abortion. Thing is you need to ensure your H is "on board" with the new baby, and if he isn't then surely he has to go rather than the baby.

boredtotears Sun 02-Dec-12 09:42:20

If you have any maternal feelings at all - do not make any difficult decisions yet just to 'save' a relationship, In years to come you will end up resenting him. Children are always yours, men are rather less reliable.

mumzy Sun 02-Dec-12 09:27:16

Your dh sounds very immature and unable to take responsibility for his actions. This does not bode well for your marriage and future. I agree with flippitty if he wants you to chose between him and the baby there'll be no contest who I would want.

Fairylea Sat 03-Nov-12 22:43:33

I think you worrying about ruining your marriage over this is null and void to be honest. Your marriage is already dead. I really dont think you can come back from this emotionally. I think whatever happens you're always (quite rightly) going to resent him for this.

It's clear you want this baby. In ten years time will you be sad you made a success of being a strong positive single mum with an extra child or still trapped in an unhappy marriage? Because those are the options.

I'm not against adoption in very good circumstances but to do it not because you want to but because some arsehole of man says so is not ethical or morally right.

flippittyfloop Sat 03-Nov-12 22:31:50

When I was 18, in 1968, I gave up my baby for adoption. At the time we were told that it was the best thing for the baby as I wasn't married. How times have changed!!
I think about my baby everyday, I had to look after him for 6 weeks. It was and is very hard. A lot of untruths were told in those days and I certainly wasn't "clued up" about what i really could of done. When I returned home from the 4 month stay at the mother and baby home I was told to forget about it and get on with my life. As if !!
If I were you I'd ditch the bloke~he'll be more easier forgotten.

Offredalba Sun 08-Jul-12 01:00:23

It is 33 and a half years since I lost my son to adoption. It was the worst and most significant event of my life.
Both my son and I continue to grapple with the grief, in spite of being reunited for two years.

Please don't do it.

Nonio Mon 25-Jun-12 11:59:09

I have read the whole thread. I am so sorry you have to cross this bridge. that's all I can say is I didn't keep my Baby and it is the biggest mistake I have ever and will ever make. I think about him everyday and it's been 3 years I am sat hear crying again.

Ok, at the end of the day you and you alone have to live with your decision.

Big hugs

Squids Thu 14-Jun-12 22:50:05

Lady Harriet, I missed your post. I hope you (both) are in a place of understanding. Am glad you felt it helped a little, thanks for sharing too.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Mon 11-Jun-12 21:22:47

I am an adoptee and I just want to thank you so much for sharing your feelings/ experiences.

It really is one of the most insightful things I have read which I feel might help me understand my birth mother's position. Esp this:

"It also never leaves you, If I meet people I last saw from decades ago this is what they most remember, friends who have told their parents have their parents identify me as the one who placed a baby for adoption, when people find out it often jars horribly with their ideas of me. People look at choices I have made as an adult and try to see how this one thing explains my choices. I don't tell anyone other than good friends or people I (or my children!)have inadvertently told because it gets wearing having to deal with their responses..."

Thank you, thank you.

ellenjames Fri 08-Jun-12 19:29:11

something i would have to consider would be the impact on your older 2 dc, how would they feel as they got older?
I have no experience of this, hope you make the right decision for you and your 3 dc x

[OP - hope i caused no offence asking if your older too were your husbands, not that it would have been offensive if they weren't. I had misunderstood when you said you didn;t want to lose the other 2's dad or somthing...]

Anyway, hope things are becoming clearer in your mind OP, and hope relate goes well. Perhaps he is absolutely freaked out... No excuse for his 'stress is on you' crap though.

Really strang behaviour.....

LoopyLoopsCorgiPoops Fri 08-Jun-12 11:44:41

This is entirely irrelevant to the OP, but aimed more at squids and Maryz. I had a desperately unhappy childhood - drug addicted violent mentally ill parents and strings of different foster placements. I longed to have been adopted. Sometimes (probably not in the case of the OP I hasten to add) it really is for the best and the child will appreciate that. smile

squids Fri 08-Jun-12 10:11:17

Thanks for the kind words, Maryz what a particularly lovely sentiment to post.

I hope if your children do search they (and you) meet families able to support them as they negotiate their relationship. Such a huge thing for you to have in your lives and future too.

FamiliesShareGerms Thu 07-Jun-12 22:35:46

Squids, a moving and well thought out post, thank you

Lilka Thu 07-Jun-12 21:34:21

Squids, what a fantastic and moving post. I am glad you were able to post

I hope things are OK, whereabouts

Maryz Thu 07-Jun-12 21:11:43

squids, that is a fantastic post, and it is very brave of you to post it.

I worry still about my children's birth parents, and hope that in the future they will (both parents and children) be able to make peace with each other and with the circumstances of their adoption.

I think either of my children would be very proud to have you as a birth mother.

worrywortisworrying Thu 07-Jun-12 20:34:09

squids Lovely that you felt able to post.

Whereabouts I hope things are OK

squids Thu 07-Jun-12 20:02:33

Whereabouts, so sorry your dh is putting you through this. How awful of him to avoid his responsibilities by being so hostile to you. His parents sound beyond vile and I wonder how long before he realises the biggest issue is whether you can forgive himsad

I did place a child for adoption, I had clear reasons and knew from the early moments of realising I was pregnant that I would carry the pregnancy through whilst arranging for the child to be adopted. I knew that I could change my mind but I didn't and the baby stayed in hospital for a week then went straight to the family I had chosen. This is unusually quick I think but was exactly what I wanted. I don't remember when I signed the papers that finalised the adoption but it was also quickly.

I held the baby, visited the baby with my partner and had some photos from the family sent in due course. After that we had no contact of any sort. It is a decision I do not regret but even at the time I knew the hardest part came later and it does.

Abortion is finite, regrets may be less so but inevitably the passage of time soothes even those for most people. There is good evidence that most women do not find abortion traumatic but do find continuing unwanted pregnancies or choosing adoption really hard. This makes good sense to me, I have a missing ghost child, teen, adult who I may or may not meet. Who may be ambivalent, depressed, hostile,resentful, angry etc in feelings towards me and the birth father. The adoptee has made no choices but has to deal with those I made and so there is no real solace for me as I can't know what impact my choices have made on another life.

It also never leaves you, If I meet people I last saw from decades ago this is what they most remember, friends who have told their parents have their parents identify me as the one who placed a baby for adoption, when people find out it often jars horribly with their ideas of me. People look at choices I have made as an adult and try to see how this one thing explains my choices. I don't tell anyone other than good friends or people I (or my children!)have inadvertently told because it gets wearing having to deal with their responses which can be tedious, gossipy or hostile as can those of medical staff you meet round delivery etc I would imagine your children could be a target for comments and gossip.

My children have had to be brought up knowing too, this has given them many questions and would give your children many more. Younger ones are very matter of fact but at the point where they realise no one else's mum has done this it gives them much to consider.

Post delivery your body mourns the baby it is missing, your milk comes in your hormones crash and no one around knows what to say. You will probably never meet anyone else who has done the same. You will be grilled by social workers as would your dh before be able to select this option. It is actually hard work and visit intensive.

Am glad you don't want to do this really, I can't see how it could be endured having children already. Really my experience was a little bit more like being a surrogate, it was never 'my' baby. You have already fought for yours.

Much luck with your choices

clam Thu 07-Jun-12 15:08:18

I wonder whether the medics would even have carried it out, as it would have been very obvious to them that you were under duress.

GinPalace Thu 07-Jun-12 14:56:29

Your DH's position is supported by his view that this is your fault because you have resisted abortion - however whilst an abortion is one way to get rid of the problem it doesn't alter the fact that you can't uncreate a baby - so the real root of the problem is the fact that the baby was created in the first place for which he is equally responsible!

His logic is totally flawed and is conveniently seeing things in a way which lays it all at your door. Not so long ago he was entertaining the idea of a 3rd child enough to discuss the possibility. My DH has already stated he only wants 2 kids (which is fine) so that conversation just wouldn't happen unless there was a tiny idea in his head it could have been an option.

If he thinks another child is expensive, and this appears to be his main objection, has he even paused to think how expensive divorce / separate lives is? Running two households is not cheap either, so I am mystified why he can't accept that mistakes happen (as if you can describe a fab new baby as that - but YKWIM) and life is all about how you get through it.

I hope he comes round to a more mature way of thinking - but for me I think he has already done such a huge amount of damage it is hard to see how your family can ever go back from this. sad

FWIW My cousin was an unwanted 3rd whose father wanted her aborted, they are close now though as her parents managed to hold it together long enough somehow, though they didn't make it long term and broke up when she was about 10, I think the rot just nibbled away at them.

messalina Thu 07-Jun-12 14:38:41

I also think that if you do something as fundamentally against your will as abort a baby or give one up for adoption, you may end up regretting it for the rest of your life. My heart goes out to you.

messalina Thu 07-Jun-12 14:37:02

Does your DH realise you are considering adoption? And is he ok with you doing this? If so, why are you trying to save your marriage? It is bad enough his pressuring you to have an abortion at 24 weeks but forcing you into giving one up for adoption is, I think, even worse.

clam Wed 06-Jun-12 16:32:08

Does your h really think that your main objection to an abortion is because it's quite a late stage? And that it would have been a walk in the park if you'd have given way to his pressure earlier on? The reason you didn't do it earlier is because YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TERMINATE!!!!!

Apologies if this upsets people, but I get impatient with the commonly-held perception that there's a 50:50 choice when you get pregnant as to "whether or not you'll keep it." It's perpetuated by, and become normalised by TV soaps: someone gets a positive test result and the first thing someone else says to them is "what are you going to do? Keep it?"
Surely the default position once you find yourself pregnant should be that it's here to stay - unless there are strong reasons not to continue. I'm sorry but I don't agree that your husband's reasons are strong enough to warrant abortion - subjective opinion I know, but especially as you say you'd even discussed another baby as a possibility fairly recently, even if he eventually decided maybe not. If his feelings were that strong at the time, he wouldn't have even entertained the idea, let alone discussed it. And he'd have stopped all chance of an accidental pregnancy by getting a vasectomy.

Good luck to you, whereabouts. I'm glad your baby has got you fighting for him/her.

Maryz Wed 06-Jun-12 15:06:31

No, ethelb. The people who are suggesting she bonds with her baby are those who have experience as adoptive parents.

It is very important that babies that are voluntarily relinquished for adoption are placed for the right reasons. It is important that the birth family (parents and wider family) make the decision for the right reasons, and not for it to be a spur of the moment "if I don't look at my baby when he/she is born I will be able to pretend I didn't have one" decision.

I am the adoptive mother of two voluntarily placed babies, and my most difficult job as a mother is to explain why they were "given away" or "dumped" as my son calls it sad. I know why their mothers made the decisions they did, and I respect them for doing so, but it isn't an easy option.

I'm really glad, whereabouts, that you have moved on from the adoption idea - from the outside it may look like a simple decision (I have a baby I can't cope with, other people would love a baby but can't have one), but adoption is much more complicated than that.

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