Placement fears

[MrBlueSky]

Name changed because I'm scared.

A 7yo child was placed with me a while ago and I am very worried that I am in the process of ruining our lives.

I'm doing all the parenting things, such as food, clothes, play, doctor, dentist, reading, bath+bed and so on, but I'm doing them because that's what I've agreed to do. I don't feel anything. I don't care. I am happy for the kid when things go well but I take no joy in it myself. The child is likeable enough: bright, pleasant, fairly well-mannered, biddable, feisty, the usual 7yo mischief but nothing awful. Yet... there are lots of likeable people in whom I have no interest beyond a general hope for their future wellbeing.

The adoption team said that they wouldn't place a child on a Friday afternoon or Saturday morning because they don't want to pitch the new family straight into a weekend, yet they decided that the child would have five weeks off school so that we could get to know each other and develop routines - this for a child who loves school. I was told to avoid too many new things/places/people, so we've just been together solidly for several weeks, with only a few visits and meetings. It's stupidly difficult to make new 7yo friends in Jan/Feb when you're not at school, and to develop new routines without a major - the major? - routine of childhood to work around.

I'm coping very badly with the noise and the lack of personal solitude. I knew that solitude and quiet would become distant memories, of course, but I thought that I would manage, that I would get by. I'm doing neither. The noise shatters me, and at night I have dreams of terrible violence directed at the child.

School has started recently. I had hoped that a few hours of peace and quiet would help me to regain some equilibrium before plunging back in, but it has only made the noise and the in-your-faceness of it all much worse by reminding me of what I miss so much that it hurts my heart.

I try and try to enjoy the child, to enjoy our time together, to develop some affection, some interest, but I just want to walk out of the door into the wind and fresh, clear, blue skies and never come back.

I've spent over two years working for this but no matter how much I wanted it, and how well the vetting went, and how well my supporters thought that I would do, right now it just seems clear to me that I am simply not suited to it.

I can't get a night off - the child can't stay anywhere without me unless all of the adults have CRB checks and, because of the child's age, unless I cultivate the personal friendship of a professional childminder to the point where the child feels at ease with them then I can't use a childminder, either.

I don't feel overwhelmed by responsibility, parenting skills, providing a secure home and so on... I feel overwhelmed by despair. I don't seem to be able to get this across to the adoption team because everything is going so well on the surface. The social workers keep telling me to give it time. How long? How long? When does it move from being a note in their files to being a pressing concern?

We have our next review in a few weeks, but I don't know if I'll cope for that long.

I don't know what I'm asking for, here - ideas, acknowledgement, a good pull-yourself-together, I don't know. I just need to say it out loud (as it were): right now, I want the child to go because I'm terrified that if they stay then I'll only make things so much worse for everyone.

[unavailable]

Bump - I am way out of my depth with this, but hope someone on mn can advise.

[koalabear73]

Hi,
You are obviously going through a very difficult time and have some tough decisions ahead. I can't advise you on what to do but I would like to tell you a few things about my experiences when I adopted, in the hope that you can have some context in which to put your experiences.
Adoption is massive and massively stressful. I woke up every morning for six months after placement feeling sick and dry retching over the toilet. It was such hard work and I hated being scrutinised by the social workers - I felt so stressed that I would do something wrong, that I would mess up this kids life or transgress one of the many bizarre SS rules. I found that the people around me did not support me very well - other people seem to think that adoption ends when the placement begins, but that is the beginning not the end of the process. As you said, childminders were not on the cards, nor casual baby sitters due to all the CRB checks etc. It sounds melodramatic, but I really don't think anyone knew or knows what I went through in the first six months - it was just so hard and pressurised. I felt like I was on the longest baby sitting gig ever and really struggled with the responsibility, even though I was already a parent.
But it did have a happy ending - the happiest, my baby is now 5 and my love for her is overwhelming. I really don't want to try to tell you what to do, but I can say that if I had been on mumsnet 5 years ago I may well have posted a post like yours above at some point. You can't suddenly start loving a child because they are placed in your house - you need to build up a history and a life and relationship together and then one day you realise that your world would be shattered if you no longer had this small person in your life. I hate to agree with social workers, but here I do agree - it does take time to start to care. If it didn't, it wouldn't be so precious.
I really hope you find your way through this.

[hester]

Oh lord, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Can I just ask you a few questions? How long has 'the child' been with you? Are you calling him/her that to preserve anonymity, or because that's how you are feeling towards him/her? Do you have a partner and how are they feeling about it? What support is in place for you? Do you have friends who have adopted? Are you in touch with Adoption UK? If you don't mind me asking, are you adopting because you had fertility problems?

[hester]

And, most importantly, how is the child feeling?

[ilovehugs]

Hi MrBlueSky. You sound so and scared and isolated. I know very little about adoption, but many of the feelings you wrote about - wanting to walk outside, craving solitude, even despair - are feelings that many parents experience at times. These feelings can pass. When you become a parent, the realisation of how much your life has changed can be very intense and very intimidating. As well as the practical differences in your life, it can awaken allot of emotions and fears from your own childhood. You can feel lost in it. But then you find yourself again and life goes on. There is no change without loss.
If you were a parent at home with a new baby - your friends, any health professional, would be telling you that a) your feelings are normal and b) you need to go and get that air. Get out of the house. Go out for the day, with your partner or your friends. Just because you have a 7 year old, doesn't mean that you shouldn't be allowed to feel hit by the same intensity of it all. You are not feeling the emotions that YOU feel you are supposed to and that is feeding all your fears. Pay for a chid minder. Ecplain to the adoption people that you need a breather because that will work for you. Go and get that air and give yourself a break. Don't expect so much of yourself. You are giving her great care, despite the termoil you are feeling inside and that is the mark of an excellent, brave parent. Human bonding is a complex thing. It will take time and that is normal and OK. Being a parent is hard, but it rewards you in ways that you can't comprehend until much further down the line.

Get yourself that air. Dont be so hard on yourself and don't let fear push you into rash decisions.

All the very best x x x

[RipVanLilka]

I'm so sorry :(

I certainly didn't have love at firsst sight. There was a connection between her and I...but nothing remotely approaching love for a long time. The constant 24/7 with no possibility of respite because of the CRB issue (I'm a singlie) made it such hard going, there were days when I didn't want to get out of bed. She was upset and I couldn't manage her PTSD triggers properly, and I felt totally overwhelmed

YOU AREN'T ALONE. Lots of adoptive parents feel this. Total disconnect and feeling very depressed. That's quite NORMAL. Becuase you have just had a total stranger move in with you..a stranger with his/her own likes/dislikes/personality and issues. And you're left with this little and very demanding stranger 24/7 with no breaks! They are lovely but it is overwhelming. Certainly I somtimes felt like screaming "This is my house and MY personal space, stop invading it!" It got so much better over time...not short time mind, months and months. After a year and a bit, I had stopped questioning myself, and I unconditionally loved her. Love comes gradually...first feelings of wanting to protect etc, then for me it seemed like conditional love..I loved her but it still felt fragile like if something really bad happened, it might snap. But we got there!


You said you feel despair...do you feel very down nearly all the time? There is such a thing as Post Adoption Depression. It's like PND but after adoption instead. And it is not uncommon! If this continues I would say, see your doctor. My GP has always been very helpful and understanding

Yes, time is important, but so is help when it is needed! As well as having breaks etc

Could you go see your GP if SS are being unhelpful? They can really help, especially if you do have PAD

I hope this does get a bit better soon

Lilka xx

[Kewcumber]

What you feel is absolutely normal - you need to ask SS for help (if they are the helpful sort). I adopted a one year old (as a single) and even at that age with a baby who was (according to everyone else) incredibly cute and active, I felt just like you. I felt like the babysitter, I was desprate for him to nap to be able to lose that sense of overwhelming responsibility for even an hour or two.

It improved after about 3 months and from there each week got slowly better and better. I can;t pinpoint at what point responsibility became love but it did. I second the advice to try to get in touch with other adopters particularly those a little ahead of you.

I also agree about the PAD - with hindsight I had it to a degree but luckily it righted itself when I got home after about 3 months and everything seemed more managable again.

You need to consider that it really isn't normal to feel aninstant bond of love with another human being so quickly.

No doubt others will have some more pratcial advice but I wish you luck - it can (and IME does) get better if you can get through this stage.
I would very vociferously argue for the child to go back to school - DS who is only 5 can't wait to go back to school and it will also give you a break and a chance to renew your batteries for a few hours. Will she be going back to a school she knows or a new one?

[snail1973]

I don't have any practical help I'm afraid, but just wanted to send you big hugs. This is so tough. I think you need a break, and I think you should talk to your SW about this. I understood from our LA that it would be OK to leave our LO with someone who hadn't been CRB checked in 'an emergency'. Well, it sounds to me like you are reaching a critical point and this might be classed as 'an emergency'?? Also, worth thinking about whether you may be suffering from PAD.

All my best wishes.

[Mumleigh]

My close friend who I met on the adoption workshops adopted two boys - one age 4 and one age 7.

At first she struggled "with these two strangers in her house" and even admitted to resenting them at times.

There was much talk of giving up and she struggled with the guilt that would come with that.

She was diagnosed with post adoption depression and was prescribed medication by her doctor - she said this helped her a lot to get through each day.

She gradually formed a good bond with the younger boy but struggled with the older one.

It took her a few years and she is still not fully bonded with the older one( he has his own issues) but she is a happy and brilliant mum and could not be prouder of her two boys.

I hope you find the support you need at this really difficult time.

[MrBlueSky]

Thanks for all the support and kind words. I really appreciate them. I didn't mean to give the impression that I expected/hoped for insta-love :)

Last night was very bad, and these roiling worries kept me awake until about 04:30, but today has been better - aside from feeling like something the cat brought up! I'm working on ways of insulating myself from the noise without cutting the child off, and I spent a shedload of time in the garden, digging over and getting ready to plant, so I should sleep tonight :)

Best of all, although I've been knocked back for having a night off in about three weeks, I've been told that I can have a friend over to stay (makes me sound like a 10yo!) for a few days. Adult conversation, getting out with someone else... bliss.

To answer your questions, hester: I'm a single adopter (not fertility issues) and only using "the child" for anonymity. I use the child's name in everyday talk, honest! Child has been here for six weeks today - a ridiculously short amount of time, I know. Support is mainly in the form of friends, some of whom have adopted, and my mother (my father died a couple of years ago).

As far as I can tell, the child seems to be well settled. Sleeps and eats well, affectionate, demonstrative, happy to be getting involved and doing new, interesting things. Charged into school like a trooper.

The professional support issue is difficult: many things were missed and/or not followed-up, and so the placement involves several issues that I wasn't aware of during matching, including one that I specifically said during vetting that I would really struggle to cope with. I feel rotten going back again and again with, "Oh, by the way, here's another thing..." and have started to self-refer.

I've now got details of the support offered by the team. I am DEFINITELY going to get in touch with Adoption UK, After Adoption and so on for some independent support and advice, and will look into the post-adoption depression issue.

Thanks again, everyone, and all the best.

[HattiFattner]

mrbluesky, Id just like to say you are sounding very hard on yourself! Its OK to feel thisway - theres not a mother or father on here that didnt feel the combination of overwhelming responsibility coupled with the incessant neediness of children! Normally however we feel it after 9months of anticipation. And babies come with a 20 hour sleep switch - it may go off every hour, but at least they do sleep.

Make sure your child has a firm bedtime, pour yourself a glass of wine once they are in bed and that is your solitude time. AFter a while you may even find yourself missing him/her and his/her quirky humour! Slowly slowly - you need to build a history with eachother, to feel comfortable with "in" jokes and gentle teasing.
It will come in time, and six months from now you may feel very different. Just give it time!

[Kewcumber]

its OK MrBS you didn;t sound like you were expecting instant love, but I know it was a shock to my system the grind of the reality compared to the plans and dreams of many years before. Even if intellectualy you undersand its still different when you experience it. Having a freind to stay or even coming over for the evening once a week is a great idea. I wish more people had though of offering to come over for an evening in the early days - no-one did and I was too dense/proud (not sure which) to ask.

[babybear5]

Just a fly by but feeling for you. I have been there myself. Just wanted to say Barnardos where a god send for me and dh after adoption. Fantastic support continually and you can self refer for couselling.
Your are not alone and you are doin a great job

[fostering]

Think the 5 weeks off school was probably the most stupid idea ever!!

You don't have to spend every minute of every day together, most parents wouldn't so why should you? Get in touch with a nanny agency, they will have many qualified babysitters, all CRB registered, not cheap, but worth it if you want to go out.

A CRB check should only take 6 weeks to turn around so perhaps ask a few friends or family members if they would be happy for your social worker to meet them and arrange for the check to be done.

Ask the child who their best friend is at school and invite them for tea so you get an evening off from being playmate. Foster children are allowed to play at friends houses providing carers use the same parental judgement as they would for their own children so the child must be able to accept invitations back. Get chatting to school Mums and ask some over for coffee (with thir child) at the weekend so you get to talk to an adult and the child has a playmate.

Involve the child in after school activities to create some time for yourself. Music lessons, ballet or football, brownies or beavers.

Try the local leisure centre, perhaps the child could try trampolining or swimming while you hit the gym or swim a few lengths yourself.

Book the child into fun sessions during the Easter holidays weekdays so you are only together for the weekends. Most schools organise something.

And do stop feeling guilty. Even in the unlikely event that you never develop a love for the child, you have provided a secure safe home where the child feels loved, nurtured and safe. Most 7 year olds remain in foster care until 18 because so few people come forward to adopt them so do stop beating yourself up and start to think positively about how wonderful you are to even think about offerring this child a life with you.

It is very early days, I didn't love my own babies for months. Just take each day as it comes. Don't beat yourself up about not loving the child. Be pleased with yourself that you haven't shouted/hit/neglected or abused the child. I'm sure the child's thinking "This is heaven!!"

Buy the Sunday papers, tell the child you need some quiet time to read them and ask what they could do to help you enjoy your Sunday morning. (TV turned down to lowest setting in a different room?) Bribe with promise of chocolate or sweets if you get an hour without interuption. It's your life too and if you don't cut yourself some slack the adoption will break down which is far worse for the child than watching TV for a few hours on their own.

[MrBlueSky]

I'm waiting to get a list of after school clubs, and have been looking into swimming lessons and Cub Scouts in the area. A couple of hugely physical activities a week should help to calm things down, especially if I a) don't have to be there at the time or b) I can sit and read a book on the sidelines.

Maybe my biggest concern is that I don't want to end up feeling as though I'm raising a cuckoo - a child for whom I feel no parental affection. I applied to adopt because I wanted family bonds and if I don't develop love for the child then I have effectively buggered that. On the other hand, sometimes I wonder if I have a very old-fashioned (as in classical Rome) interpretation of adoption: "You're in the house now, get the hell used to it"! Is that better than long-term fostering with someone who wasn't hoping for or expecting something different? I don't know.

I've worked out that one of the major pressure points is dinner. As the child doesn't get to use the nintendo ds on school mornings, I allow some play on it while dinner is cooking. Kid has prep to do, as I'm trying to involve them in as many of the homecare routines as possible, but after that it's tinny electronic beeping until "wash hands and sit up."

I'll get there. Or I won't. I'll try to keep my cool, though :)

[hester]

I think adoptive parents expect so much of themselves. I have the advantage of having had a birth child before I adopted, and I know how long it took me to fall in love with her, and how often I felt (and still feel) bored, tired, resentful. This has helped me feel very calm about the time it takes to feel maternal love.

My adopted dd is the cutest, sweetest-natured, most loving and easy to care for toddler you could ever meet. Strangers come up in the street to tell me how gorgeous she is. She sleeps through the night, eats everything, is a complete delight. But you know, six weeks into her placement I felt like a slightly pissed off babysitter. The difference between you and me, OP, is that I set very low standards for myself!

Seven months on and I can feel the love growing and growing (just as it did with dd1 - no instant surge of love there either). I adore both my girls and I'm really looking forward to all the love we're going to share in future.

I think you need to expect bonding to take months, not weeks - and many months at that. Having said that, if you are feeling really depressed or unable to cope, you should seek help sooner rather than later. But please don't beat yourself up; you sound lovely and I'm sure you are going to be a fantastic mother.

[Kewcumber]

and yes you are right - sittingon the side reading a book (preferably with a cup of coffee in hand) is a life saver.

[loflo]

Oh MrBlueSky your post took me right back to the first few months after placement. Myself and another adopter I met at prep group used to phone each other after we both had placements and cry about why we had put ourselves through it all to feel so awful and resent these children that we had waited so desperately long for.

But, and I kid you not after about nine months things started changing. We both seemed to settle into parenthood and five years in I feel awful that I felt like that in the beginning .

Now I can't imagine life without Lightning McQueen. He is my world

Stick at it and you will get there.

[greenlotus]

Love that grows slowly puts down deep roots. Sorry to say something so soppy but I really believe that, several years on. MY tip is to go in and peep at the child when asleep - all children look so vulnerable and lovable then it can surprise you! Best of luck, but I hope you will look back in 6 months and be glad you stuck out those first difficult weeks when you were still strangers.

Do find time for some time out too, even the most needy child doesn't need a parent who's gone round the bend from lack of down-time, whatever the SW's think. I used to have a night out once a month and it was like a ton lifted off my shoulders as I zoomed away from the house. Any trusted babysitters like grandparents around?

[greenlotus]

Also you could try the Caroline Archer books - lots of touchy-feely, intimate, fun things you can do to help bring that closeness and trust into your relationship.

[fostering]

OP, I think you feel better already? You were being very hard on yourself.

Hang on in there..............and BREATH.