Curiosity killed the cat?

[westcoastclassic]

Hi this is my first post so go easy! Quick potted history,I was adopted in the mid 70's, had a good childhood, although riddled with insecurities/rebellious tendencies in teens and twenties, (how relevant this is to being adopted I don't know).

I now have two children and recently, for various reasons decided to apply for my birth/adoption records, not with a view to making contact, more for medical history, curiosity.

I got my file on Monday and have been completely headf**d ever since. It transpires that my birth father was opposed to the adoption and only caved in after a lot of persuasion, and I have now discovered from snooping on the internet (i know, i know..) that my birth mother and father got back together and married the year after my adoption was finalised, the year after that they had a son together.

I can't really describe how this has affected me, I feel like I missed out on something which was rightfully mine by default, if that makes any sense at all, I really can't articulate this properly and almost regret opening this can of worms....

I would be so grateful for any perspective/similar experiences.advice??

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

Hi WCW. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've no experience sorry - I just didn't want your post to go unanswered. I'm sure someone will be along soo to offer good advice.

[westcoastclassic]

Thanks for taking the time to reply BBT...

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

If you don't get any response now, try bumping it this evening.

Good luck

[phipps]

I understand the feeling of missing out as my birth father had 2 more children and kept those but he happily and willingly signed me away at 2 1/2 weeks. I wasn't adopted though and was in and out of foster homes and children homes.

I really think you need to contact an adoption service and ask them about getting in touch with someone to talk too.

[snail1973]

Gosh. That would make anyones head spin. I can't imagine how you are feeling but I am sure there is a lot you'd want to talk through. I haven't been through this myself but I am sure social services will be a friendly listening ear and could offer advice if that's appropriate. They are the most experienced people in these situations.

[chocolateorange]

Wow. I can't even begin to imagine how that must feel. Headfuck in the extreme.

I too have no experience but am bumping in the hope that others can offer something.

[chocolateorange]

x-posted with phipps and snail.

[westcoastclassic]

Hi Phipps, I know I am very lucky that I was placed at 6 weeks with loving/stable parents, can't imagine the pain of your scenario. I think I was a little naive when I applied for my records, thought I was now secure and strong enough to deal with whatever was in them, now I feel like my world has shifted ever so slightly on its axis. Feel like I need time to digest this and make sense of it in my own head before I start talking to anyone else about it.

[phipps]

I am more than happy to listen and try and help in any way I can. Take care.

[loflo]

Hi westcoastclassic - your post has made me cry for you

My DS is in the same situation - his BPs are still together and have recently had another baby who is remaining in their care. And I can't get my head round either how he will manage to understand why or how. But you are the person you are today because of your life so far. And thats why you felt secure and strong.

Have you thought of making contact with NORCAP? They may well be able to offer support when you feel ready.

I sincerely wish you all the best in getting your head round this,

Take care.

[Italiangreyhound]

westcoastclassic I am not adopted or an adoptive parent myself but DH and I have thought about it and for that reason I read the threads on adoption.

I was really touched to read your thread and really saddened by your situation and hope that when you are ready you will get some help with someone who is experienced in counselling adults who were adopted as children.

I don't want to suggest anything negative at all but I just wonder that maybe the knowledge that your birth parents got back together may have given you a negative view on your own life and yet you had a good childhood. I guess what I am saying is that there is no way of knowing how things may have been had you stayed with your birth parent/s. I wonder if you know whether they stayed together, I guess what I am saying is that it may not have been easy or a good childhood. I suppose I am wanting to make you feel better about the good life you had with your adoptive parents and maybe you need to find out and work out things for yourself. But as you posted on here I just wanted to chip in. I guess I just wanted to say you are the person you are, you are now a mum yourself and your adoptive family have been all they have been to you. Finding out what you have found out must have been devastating but it doesn't mean that things would have been better for you if they had all gone a different route.

Any way, please don't take offence, I am trying in my cack-handed way to be supportive.

Blessings and may you find your way round this and out the other side.

[westcoastclassic]

Hi, sorry for lack of response, i think after a few days of massively overthinking everything, my brain and heart just needed to shut down for a bit!
Loflo - thank you for sharing your ds's situation, it sounds like you will be well able to guide him through this as he gets older, I think one of the issues I have is that I do not feel able to discuss any of this with my adopted parents as I think they would feel they weren't enough for me, or I was seeking something else, I honestly think it would break my lovely mum's heart, and I am just not willing to risk that. It has all been left unsaid for too long ifyswim...

Italian - I could not take offence to anyone trying to offer me perspective with such kindness.... I know you are right, and I actually sought out time with my adoptive parents at the weekend to reinforce that I am theirs and they are mine if that makes sense!
Just wonder if I might not have made so many bad choices through insecurity etc if the situation had been different, but I suppose its all a bit coulda, woulda, shoulda.....
Thank you all ...

[Italiangreyhound]

westcoastclassic You sound a lot more peaceful, if that is the right word. All the best, keep talking to us if it helps.

[puglet123]

Hi, I was adopted at 4 1/2 months but have a birth sister who is 2 years older than me - she still lives with our birth parents.
WHen I found that out it did make me feel cheated, but at the end of the day I was adopted into a very loving family who couldn't do enough for me. I wonder whether I might have actually had a better life then her??!

[Lizcat]

I hope no one minds me highjacking this thread ,but the title is very apt. My DH was adopted in the 1970s as a small baby and his adoptive parents are both still alive though we have an uneasy relationship with them.
Like westcoastclassic my DH got curious in early December and 2 hours on the internet and £6.99 traced his birth mother (he knew his birth name). He then goggled and found her, contacted her through her work e-mail.
He discovered a family who all know about him and are delighted to have found him.
However, he refuses to tell his adoptive parents and this worries me. As I say we have an uneasy relationship with them he is their only child and they expect a lot of him, but provide very little support with our DD - even in emergency situations. I feel while they maybe hurt to find out from him now, it is not unexpected. However, if this secret is kept and they find out by accident further down the line it will be explosive. I have said my piece just the once, but still feel very worried about this.
I am delighted for DH that this has gone so well and that he is being welcomed into this family, but can't help worrying what it may do to the existing family.

[westcoastclassic]

Lizcat, your post definitely resonates with me. Since my original post I have decided not to persue tracing anyone from my birth family, the main reason being that I know I would not have the courage to tell my adoptive parents (who I have a great relationship with) and I honestly don't think I could cope with the guilt of witholding something so massive from them, and I know I would have to lie to those who love me, lies like this have a habit of getting bigger and bigger until they are impossible to sustain.

I completely understand where your DH is coming from (particularly if he has an uneasy relationship with adoptive parents) and I'm happy that he has been welcomed so readily, can't really offer anything useful but wish you both all the best.