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If you were left for "the other woman" do you ever wonder what her friends and family think of her and your ex?

(62 Posts)
TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot Sat 12-Jul-14 01:09:10

Because I don't understand how they can possibly be happy about their relationship.

Things were complicated between me and ex- unplanned pregnancy that I tried to pretend wasn't happening, we split up, then got back together when I told him I was pregnant, but he didn't tell his family or most of his friends this. He claimed he had to wait for the right time.

Anyway, then he started seeing this girl, who knew about me because I'd met her too. I didn't have a clue about this. He didn't come to the birth of our baby (because he was with the OW) but still somehow had me believing I was so lucky to have such a nice boyfriend who would forgive me for getting pregnant. hmm Even if he still hadn't told his family.

Eventually I worked out he was seeing someone else, so I copied the contacts from a group email he'd sent, which included his family, friends, some colleagues, and the other woman, her parents and some of her friends, and sent them all an email saying what he'd done.

This probably wasn't a particularly sensible thing to do, but I was really angry.

Ex's parents were upset (which I feel guilty about- I should have found a gentler way to tell them they had a grandchild) but no one else seemed to bat an eyelid. I had kind of imagined all ex's and OW's friends disowning them in disgust, but from what I heard they just carried on socialising as normal.

They got married a few years ago and I saw some of the pictures (because my dc was in them). OW's parents look so happy and proud in them, and I can't understand why they would be happy about her marrying a man who cheated on his pregnant girlfriend, and I can't understand how they could be proud of a daughter who would start seeing a man who she knew had a pregnant girlfriend.

To be honest I'm actually quite bitter that no one seems to care what they did to me, and that to most people they're just a nice, normal couple and there's no sign of the pain they caused.

I should probably just forget about it, it's in the past and I'm very happy with a lovely dp, but sometimes it just gnaws away at me that they could do that to me and it didn't have any effect on them.

Do their friends and family really not judge them for it?

todayisnottheday Sat 12-Jul-14 01:37:13

You have every right to be bitter - just keep in mind that being bitter only affects you and yours. It doesn't touch ex, ow or anyone who sticks with them.

To answer your question though, I am "friends" with a lady who became the ow. She's in my group of friends but I will never be close to her because I don't like her moral choices. I don't say anything because it would make the friendship group awkward but I keep my distance and am guarded with everything around her. I was conscious that his original wife must wonder and, had she asked, I'd have told her. People stuck with ow because she was fun, up for a laugh etc and ostracising her would, frankly, have been awkward but all the sharing stopped, the couples meals and all the close stuff. Over time he was included but their behaviour was never forgotten and - ti this day - his wife is still mentioned fondly and is missed. "Friend" and her man were together 15 years before the marriage fell apart - guess why! Yup both were cheating.

Don't assume that, because people keep quiet, they have forgotten. They won't have.

HildaOgden Sat 12-Jul-14 01:50:12

I'd say there is a strong possibility that they either A) believe his version of events (he may well have said that you were a casual fling that deliberately got pregnant to 'trap' him,and are a bit unhinged ) or B) That they have chosen to stay out of things and move on with life as it is now.The email was a really bad idea,I think you know that though.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot Sat 12-Jul-14 01:53:31

Thank you for replying. It does make me feel better to think their friends are quietly judging and distancing themselves. I know that sounds mean...

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot Sat 12-Jul-14 01:58:03

Hilda, you're right, ex could have told everyone a completely different version of events and been believed. And I probably was a bit unhinged by the end of our relationship.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot Sat 12-Jul-14 02:18:19

The email was a really bad idea, but at the time it seemed the only way to get to him. If I'd tried to confront him or even just talk to him about it he'd have shut me down and made me feel like I was unreasonable for making an issue of it. After I sent the email he phoned me and I cried, and he said, "Don't cry, you're just trying to make me feel bad." Sending that email was the only way I could say all the things I wanted to.

But maybe I should have just emailed him and not everyone else.

BillyBobbed Sat 12-Jul-14 03:01:00

Without doubt nobody will have forgotten it and I can put money on people being careful around her if they know the full story...if I had a friend who I knew was the OW I wouldn't have her near my dh, wouldn't bother being close to her because I wouldn't trust her, and would only socialise with her in a group, no cosy one on ones. Pictures are deceiving, they might look all happy but any average person who is 'mates' with her will almost certainly be keeping a slight distance. How can anyone think well of and be happy about a relationship based on lies and an immoral background? I would be pretty disgusted if I knew one of my friends started seeing a man who had a pregnant girlfriend. It's beyond nasty.
You've moved on, let them reap the rewards of their wonderful marriage. Once she's had a baby sadly he may do the same thing. Men like that don't change, ime.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 12-Jul-14 03:25:09

I have a couple of friends who have cheated on their partners. They are still my friends because although I don't condone their actions (and they damn well know this) they are both people where I was never that close to their partners and my loyalties weren't tested, IYSWIM.

I'd like to think that if I screwed up and did something stupid my friends and family would stay by me, even if they difnt agree with what I had done.

MammaTJ Sat 12-Jul-14 07:36:00

My ExH left me for the OW.

All seemed to accept it but I know that at least some of his work colleagues were pretty disgusted at the time.

He kept denying there was anyone else and I knew there must be. I only found out who when his mobile phone bill arrived (the first I had seen in months). It had the same number over and over again. I bumped in to someone he worked with and showed him the number, he put it in his phone and came up with the name of the OW. He told me he was shocked and not impressed to say the least.

Another of his work mates approached me and said he couldn't understand why he would leave me for her!

He had told the OW that our marriage was over, shame he never thought to tell me for ages, and it would seem that is what they also told her family.

Still, she knows he has form for cheating and has to live with being paranoid and jealous! I have DP and am in a trusting relationship!

Wooodpecker Sat 12-Jul-14 07:47:57

Its all about perspective. This happened to you so its a personal and painful event. To their friends and family its a distant event.

People judge largely on their personal experience of someone I think.

If I had friends who met like this I would assume there was more to it and whilst not an ideal start they have moved on. I don't think I would be keeping her away from my husband or anything like that. Neither would I automatically consider the man to be generally likely to cheat. Life is not that straightforward.

MirandaWest Sat 12-Jul-14 07:52:49

My XH is with the OW, who was a work colleague. I don't like knowing that other colleagues who were friends as well must have known about it but no one ever said anything to me. Nothing I can do about that now though. And I imagine most people just think that they're better suited to each other than XH and I were, which is probably true.

riskit4abiskit Sat 12-Jul-14 08:01:15

I had friends that had an affair. The victim in the story was a lovely man. I avoided the friends for many a month but people seemed to think I was a fruitcake for this. Eventually I caved as they were a close part of our circle of friends but I still look at them with wary eyes and dont trust them as I had done before. The thing is that they were always nice people but so terribly selfish in their behaviour. If kids had been involved at the time I think I would been more actively outspoken.

Hoppinggreen Sat 12-Jul-14 08:02:52

I think that sometimes people choose to believe certain things because it's easier.
His friends and family probably think that deep down what he did was wrong but still stay loyal and as for her family - if my daughter did what she has I would probably tell her it wasn't right but wouldn't disown her or anything and if she wanted to bring him to meet us then I might be a bit reluctant but wouldn't say no

riskit4abiskit Sat 12-Jul-14 08:04:15

so sorry that this happened to you, but if he can do it to you then he will probably do it again.

also don't torture yourself looking at facebook pics and stuff. Its all a veneer of happiness on what must have rocky foundations.

Fairylea Sat 12-Jul-14 08:10:57

My ex dh left me for the girlfriend he had before me he'd got in contact with again on Facebook. I saw they'd added each other as friends a year or so before and didn't think anything of it. Everyone just accepted it and he vanished off the face of the earth never seeing either I or dd then aged 6 again. Oh and left me with 26k of debt. Nice.

I just think a lot of people don't care about what someone does with their love life. .. they see it as separate from the person they know. Sad but true.

I also think affairs and divorces are so common now that no one bats an eyelid.

I think you did the right thing sending the email. It made you feel better and he deserved it. I wish I had done something similar. Many years later I'm remarried now etc etc but I still wish I had send a shitty message to ow and everyone they had on their friends list. It wouldn't have changed anything but it would have made me feel better.

superchick Sat 12-Jul-14 08:11:38

My best friend of many years was the OW. She got together with another friend's long term boyfriend (and childhood sweetheart) about 10 years ago. They moved to the other end of the country as neither of them had a single friend left in their own city. I remained ftiends with her as I know she has some lovely qualities as well as being a boyfriend stealer. She has a definite "type" so i know she wouldn't fancy dp and he wouldn't fancy her as she is v high maintenance! Her family supported them as they claimed that they were soulmates and that getting together was pre-destined and in everyone's bedt interests (including ex). Anyway he cheated on her eventually in quite a dramatic fashion. No one was very surprised and she is now single, childless and pretty fed up eith herself.

sillymillyb Sat 12-Jul-14 08:14:12

I was an ow many years ago pre ds (I didn't know I was though) when everyone found out and it all blew up, I stayed with him (my self esteem was crap at that point and his fiancé chucked him out) but I always felt awkward around his friends and family.

His close friends were lovely - and actual warned me off him, but were quite open in their like of his fiancé too. His work colleagues blanked me for the most part, which was hard.

When he eventually left me for yet another woman, the responses of his friends were generally "ahh he's up to his old tricks again" I KNOW I was painted as being unreasonable and psycho, which to be fair I was prob verging on as the paranoia was horrific.

He is still with his ow, and he looks so happy In photos, and she is friends with all his crowd on fb. It was hard to see, but then I remind myself that all the photos of me and his old friends / work colleagues must look like that too. You just don't know what's going on behind the scenes.

MargotLovedTom Sat 12-Jul-14 08:16:23

How do you know it's a 'veneer of happiness' riskit - how do you know they're not genuinely happy? confused

OP, I do feel for you but as another pp said, these bitter feelings only affect you in the long run. You need to move forward and put this all behind you (easier said than done I know). Good luck.

JazzyThistle Sat 12-Jul-14 08:21:37

My dad left my mum for an ow. They moved to the other end of the country and he lost the majority of his old friends who remained loyal to my mum. She's still bitter about it 18 years later and has never let go.

My dad is better suited to the ow though, he's happy so I'm happy. Doesn't mean to say I condone what he did in any way, but that's life.

Op the ow's family might be happy because she's happy?

deerkitty Sat 12-Jul-14 08:24:43

My exp left me for another woman. At the beginning his family were outraged and rallied around me. Now it's as though it never happened. He is with her and he is their son/brother. I still see his family quite a lot. I don't know why I do because I always feel pretty shit afterwards and tend to spiral. I think deep down I do it so I have a connection with that part of my life still, and I know it pisses him off. His best friend told him he was disgusted by what he had done so exp cut him out of his life. He didn't want to be told he had acted like a prick. I note from his FB page that all his friends are people that I've not even heard of so presumably all these new people have no idea what he did or only know his side of the story.

somewhatavoidant Sat 12-Jul-14 08:28:05

My BIL left his beautiful wife when their dd was 6 months old and set up a new life with their nanny (20 years his junior) within a year they had started their own family. From the outside it probably looks like the family has accepted the situation with open arms but the reality is quite different. What goes around comes around, just wait!

foslady Sat 12-Jul-14 09:21:07

I was left for ow. 5 years on I know the family snd the immediate friends group are 'not impressed' - recent events played this out in front of me. So even though on the surface it may seem jolly please don't assume it is.
BTW, don't beat yourself up over the email. Normally I hate that kind of thing, but in your case I can see EXACTLY why you did it. I hope this thread helps you move forward, just like events earlier in the year helped me

foslady Sat 12-Jul-14 09:37:48

Oh sorry - her family? They live away. He admitted they hated him initially. 4 years on they joined them for 2 days of their hols, and from what I can gather she tends to visit them without hin.
After the 1st time I saw them together I actualky saw how her face was for the event and thought 'lucky escape......' his behaviour hadn't changed....

pinkerson Sat 12-Jul-14 09:46:46

From your OP your relationship sounds really dysfunctional, and group-emailing your XP's contacts is weird. His family probably were upset but they maybe thought you two were better off apart.

springydaffs Sat 12-Jul-14 10:32:39

What's so weird about sending that email. Saved time and messing about.

No, people don't forget. Heck, I still haven't forgiven forgotten Brad/Angelina or Charles/Camilla, and I'm not alone in that, even though it has nothing to do with me. People may well be 'better suited' - or not - but there's a way to go about things and it's not that. It's plain tacky to do it that way, not to mention selfish and very, very hurtful.

When I was a kid a couple in my parent's church went off with one another - the man married (to a disabled woman, no less), the woman widowed: to this day it hasn't been forgotten and is a big banner over them. More recently, a bloke in my crowd went off with someone and I can tell you they're universally shunned as a couple.

I don't think you're bitter necessarily, we all need justice in life.

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