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How to handle strange behaviour after sleepover

(28 Posts)
PositivityBee Fri 11-Jul-14 18:07:38

6 year old dd returned from second sleepover with best friend without saying hello, no hugs, curled up on sofa. Not like her at all. Upon asking she says her friend and her had big arguments all the time. Initially said she wanted to play Barbies but her friend wanted to play something else. Wouldn't tell me what and then clammed up completely / couldn't remember that they had argued. I asked her to call her friend to ask her what they had argued about, her friend said that when one is tired one argues a lot.

I am handling it badly I know. First sleepover went well though she had not been confident enough to ask for a nightlight and also it was unclear who exactly had cut off a small strand I her hair.

Am I being paranoid? How can I calm my inner worry so hopefully she will open up?

Tia.

ImperialBlether Fri 11-Jul-14 18:19:35

I think my first act would be to reassure her she won't be going on sleepovers for a while now, until she's older, but that she can have them at home whenever she wants.

I'd then phone her friend's mum to ask what they'd argued about. Presumably she will have had a chat with her own daughter about the sleepover.

Poor thing; nothing worse than staying overnight with someone like that!

AnyoneForTennis Fri 11-Jul-14 18:23:34

Sleepovers aren't necessary. 6 is far too young anyway IMO.

She'll come round

Nomama Fri 11-Jul-14 18:25:07

Yes, reassure her that the next sleepover will only be when she is ready for it.

And when she is in bed phone the other girl's mum and ask if everything is OK her end? If she knows it your DDs first sleepover she shouldn't be offended (though the hair cutting is a bit odd).

If she is cagey, evasive or annoyed, don't arrange another sleepover at her house.

queenofthemountain Fri 11-Jul-14 18:25:20

She's just knackered

AnyFucker Fri 11-Jul-14 18:26:44

6 is too young for a sleepover unless with close family

the way you handle it is not to do it in the first place

Far too much expectation for such a young child to deal with

PositivityBee Fri 11-Jul-14 18:57:42

Such quick responses thank you. The initiative is entirely hers and her friend's and her friend is very sensible so I thought ok. Agree that the sleepovers away should stop - just worried that she will hold it against me, almost along the lines of "if I tell mummy, she'll stop letting me go and I don't want that." Also hard to explain to other mum why I won't let her any more, though friend welcome to stay here. Other mum preempted questions re hair cutting by telling me that dd had cut her own hair. Only days later did dd suggest it was done to her by her friend. Hmm.

MollyHooper Fri 11-Jul-14 19:34:29

You don't have to explain if further than she is just not fully ready for sleepovers yet. That should be enough for the other mum.

You also don't really need to say anything to DD, just keep putting the sleepovers off whenever she asks.

Agree with Molly. Just keep putting it off.

noddyholder Fri 11-Jul-14 19:39:06

Just say she was a bit exhausted after the last one and you think she's a bit young

Pagwatch Fri 11-Jul-14 19:39:15

Yes - you don't have to make it a thing. Just say she was really knackered after the last one and a bit homesick so you'll do it again another time. Then put it off until you are sure

noddyholder Fri 11-Jul-14 19:39:50

great minds grin

Pagwatch Fri 11-Jul-14 19:41:27

Dd had a friend over about that she anf this girl who was very happy in my home and had a lovely evening still got upset in the night.
Her mum thought another one would be better but tbh I didn't do it again for ages. She was homesick but didn't want to admit it.

I guess it's a case of reality not being like the expectation... She thought x would happen. Forgot that other child had own ideas. Does sound like she was bullied a bit.

Could you do something in the garden instead? BBQ, tent up and sweets then other mum picks up or is there having glass of vino indoors with u? So it feels returned, even if not quite...?

Pagwatch Fri 11-Jul-14 19:42:20

grin
Indeed Noddy.

antimatter Fri 11-Jul-14 19:42:31

There's quite interesting technique you could use.
Maybe not today but in few days time you can ask her to draw her future or the last sleepover.
It is most likely that she is going to open up to you whilst drawing something.

PositivityBee Fri 11-Jul-14 19:53:21

Ooh, I like the drawing idea. And thank you for the tips on how to put off. Will do exactly that until she is a bit tougher not to be bullied. Shame really, as part of the reason I was supportive of sleepovers was because exH is a dreadful bully and I wanted her to experience how "normal" families are.

Pagwatch Fri 11-Jul-14 19:54:43

You didn't need to strike that out.
Is there anyone else she could stay with? Do you ever go and stay with friends together?

Pagwatch Fri 11-Jul-14 19:55:50

Dd was great friends with my mates DD. when they moved DD and I went and stayed overnight, the girls slept in together but I was in the house.

BigfootFiles Fri 11-Jul-14 19:56:20

Personally, my next move would be to have that friend over for a playdate, if not a sleepover, and keep a very careful eye/ear on what goes on. Fwiw, my 5yo tends to clam up if she's upset, just wants cuddles but won't talk, then she'll then come out with whatever it is she's upset about at a later point like in the car or as I'm tucking her into bed.

Eelseelseels Fri 11-Jul-14 20:19:44

Sleepovers aren't right for all children. My youngest tried but really couldn't settle at sleepovers and I would always gets call at 9 latest to come pick her up. She decided to abstain and wouldn't stay at a friend's house overnight til she was late teens. It hasnt affected her socially, she just values her own bed.

PositivityBee Fri 11-Jul-14 20:58:14

You are all so kind. I am so relieved to have a sensible way of handling. Yes, we have (rarely) stayed at others, raucous fun had by all. I have 3 DC so not much scope for that really and no other sleepover options for dd locally at the moment. Friend has been over twice too, late but great.

Maybe the question I should be asking is how do I teach dd backbone? She's had me as an example and it took me a while to get away from and over the bullying.

BigfootFiles Fri 11-Jul-14 21:08:30

I don't know if it's backbone as such that's required. They're still very young, and it might be worth having a more general discussion about what "being a good friend" means, and if someone's not being a good friend, what do you do? For my DD, when one of her friends is being bossy, often the friend is unaware of how it is making DD feel - getting DD to tell her friend at the time "I don't like it when you do X because it makes me feel y" has been quite helpful. Often they have then figured out a solution themselves, whereas previously DD has said nothing and come home upset.

PositivityBee Fri 11-Jul-14 23:48:07

Yes thanks BigFoot. Backbone was the wrong word. I meant exactly what you said. About being able to articulate her feelings and being able to expect that to be respected/ heard. Great idea re. general discussion.

SecretWitch Sat 12-Jul-14 01:18:41

We solved the sleep over issue (for now) with our six year old by having half sleep overs. Her friend comes over for dinner, they play outside, get into their jammies, have a snack and watch a dvd. Friend's mum comes by around 9 to collect her. Everyone sleeps in their own bed in their own home.

I just don't like sleepovers for the under 12 set. I really don't like them at all but know I have to give somewhere!

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