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oh dear it's twins (sorry I need to vent)

(120 Posts)
wilddogbert Mon 16-Jun-14 22:25:52

Sorry this is going to be a bit of a vent. If you had told me a few months ago that this would be my first post I would have laughed.

Me and DH always planned to have 3 DCs we have two already age 10 and 7. We decided at Christmas time to try for our third. It took us a year to conceive both DCs so we figured it would probably take over a year to conceive as we are older now and it took a while last time.

So for the first month of pregnancy I didn't notice as I bled a bit and thought it was my period.So I didn't do the test till I was three months pregnant. DH has been away off and on for 2months so he couldn't make it to my first scan last week. Where they said it was twins.

I can't stop thinking about it we hadn't planned for this. Our home life is already up in the air. BIL and his two DCs had to move in with us as his wife left him 3 months ago. BIL and DH work full time. I only work part time so I have been looking after all 4 DCS. DNs are finding it really hard to cope and all four are very hard to look after them all.

I don't have anyone to talk to in real life as I don't want to tell anyone else before DH and I don't want to worry DH as he won't be back for another week. But it's so hard to get my head around, we planned for 3 financially and practically and twins is a whole different board game, and I keep sitting here alone at night worrying about how we will manage and what DH will say and the impact on my other two DCs and I don't know what to think anymore.

So I am venting it all here just to get it all out, so that hopefully I can think clearly.

Glittertwins Mon 16-Jun-14 22:28:55

Vent away, my initial reaction on being told I had twins was "oh shit" and we don't have other children or homelfe you have.

wilddogbert Mon 16-Jun-14 22:32:27

Thanks glittertwins

IwishIwasmoreorganised Mon 16-Jun-14 22:34:39

Friends of ours have just had twins (born at 35 weeks) and my sister and a colleague who is also a good friend both have twins.

TBH I wouldn't want twins of my own, but people can and do manage. It won't be easy with the houseful that you currently have. Is there any sign that your BIL and nephews might be able to move out before your babies arrive?

Can you talk to your DH's in the phone? Not ideal I know, but I think as soon as you can tell him you'll feel better. Xxx

Unexpected Mon 16-Jun-14 22:38:06

Congratulations!

I think it's very kind of you to look after your BIL and his children. Hopefully, however, he will realise that this can't be a practical proposition during your pregnancy and afterwards.

Yes, I imagine it will be a huge amount of work but at least your other children are old enough to be able to make you a cup of tea or get some baby wipes for you etc.

Imsuchamess Mon 16-Jun-14 22:39:57

Aww I don't have twins. But I caught for my first in bad situation been dating a month but friends for a while. Was both students living at home. Was 17. It all seemed hopeless but 8 years on my and do are now married have a mortgage and he has a good job and we added two more to the mix.

I know it's worrying and having four dc as opposed to three is going to be harder (we considered it) but I am sure that you can make this work somehow, but it may take a year or two to find your feet. But you will not regret your beautiful baby's once they are here.

TheIronGnome Mon 16-Jun-14 22:40:54

Some of how you're feeling will be shock, and it'll take a bit of time to get your head around it but you will be fine! Your children are old enough to be able to be helpful with new babies and not need so much intense time with you and DH.

I would make encouraging BIL to sort out permenant accomodation a priority though, as it may take him sometime to sort it and you do not want them here when you are in late pregnancy and have 2 babies to look after- 6 children is a lot more than 4! Hopefully the prospect of 2 newborns in the house may encourage him to seek a place of their own.

Once they're here you won't be able to imagine it any other way, it's a shock right now but it will be so lovely in ways you probably can't imagine right now!

CailinDana Mon 16-Jun-14 22:41:15

Why are you looking after your BIL's children? He'll have to move out before the babies arrive.

wilddogbert Mon 16-Jun-14 22:43:13

I don't think BIL will be able to move out anytime soon. His ex-wife has taken everything and won't pay any maintenance. Plus his DCs would need childcare for most of the week if he did move out and I don't think he will be able to afford it and get them a decent place to live.

The problem is that when DH goes away with work it is a pretty stressful job for him as well as missing us back home and I don't want to worry him about it whilst he is away.

CailinDana Mon 16-Jun-14 22:46:12

That's kind of you, but you have to be wary of overstretching yourself. Any pregnancy is tiring but a twin pregnancy is especially so, and can be complicated and dangerous. You have to look out for yourself and your babies first and foremost. I know you wouldn't want your BIL to be homeless but he needs to sort himself out as you are not in a position now to sort things out for him.

Imsuchamess Mon 16-Jun-14 22:47:33

How old are bils dc? Can they help out more around the house? As well as your own dc of course.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid Mon 16-Jun-14 22:47:43

Congratulations, you deserve a medal for looking after your BILs kids while pregnant.
I your coping with four already bodes well for you once they arrive.

Oh and vent away it must be one hell of a shock.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid Mon 16-Jun-14 22:50:24

SIL sounds like a bitch

HorizontalRunningOnly Mon 16-Jun-14 22:50:43

Your bil needs to get a place and get the appropriate benefits etc and housing benefits for himself. It present him and his children to the council and take his ex to court for maintenance. Obv it's nice of u to help out initially but clearly when u have four children of ur own u can't have 3 additional people at home as well - unless U have a huge house. I'm sure ur bil will see that himself with out any need To nudge him out. And congratulations on the twins - what a miracle and after the initial shock I'm sure ur dh will be excited to. Plus u have two older Dcs to help out!!

Luggagecarousel Mon 16-Jun-14 22:50:47

Congratulation! and poor you! what an unexpected shock.

This time next year I'm sure you won't be able to imagine life without them!

xx

mandy214 Mon 16-Jun-14 22:51:54

I know it must be a massive shock - it was for me when I was told it was twins too (and they were my first babies) but you can and will manage. I agree however that certainly by the babies arrive, your BIL needs to be elsewhere. I think it will be too much of a strain for you and your family.

Once you've got over the shock, twins are absolutely fab. Double the work sometimes but double joy x

NoisyToyHell Mon 16-Jun-14 22:53:28

There's a good twin forum in the Baby and Bump website, mainly centered around pregnancies but practical pram advice etc.

Take care of yourself thanks

JessMcL Mon 16-Jun-14 22:54:23

My sister was in a similar situation to your BIL OP (she got kicked out by her female partner and she found it difficult to find work as she had been a SAHM for 8 years)- I think kicking him out should be a final resort if i'm honest.

RE childcare issue- could you not get some help and split the cost? An aupair will set you back £75-100 a week depending where you are and will give you 25/30 hours a week support. Obviously you need a spare room- could you do some tooing and froing (i.e. could your older two share a room possibily with their cousins as well?)

Try not to stress- you have been blessed. What happens happens for a reason smile

SugarPlumpFairy3 Mon 16-Jun-14 22:56:18

I can relate to the shock of finding out you're having twins.

I sobbed through the rest of my scan and was pretty depressed through my pregnancy. I just COULDN'T get my head around it. As you said, we'd planned to have 2 dc in total, not 3. After the scan, we had to see the consultant and every possible scenario went through my head. House and car too small. Effects on my dd. Paying for 2 through university. Not being able to get into my local park with a double buggy because of bollards designed to stop motorbikes going through. How on earth were we going to cope with two babies, toddlers, teens.....

They are 20 months now and I've loved every minute so far. It's been such, such fun and a real adventure. I won't pretend it's been easy but you will find a way to get by.

What I'm trying to say is that twins isn't what you planned (we would NEVER have planned a third dc) but things will work out when you've got your head around it thanks.

The situation with your BIL will resolve itself I'm sure x

HorizontalRunningOnly Mon 16-Jun-14 22:56:53

Ops bil works full time tho?

JessMcL Mon 16-Jun-14 22:59:10

Not everyone is in a position to be able to afford rent and childcare on their own- sad, but true. I don't think it will show great family ethic to put him out on his ear when he is obviously in need.

Preciousbane Mon 16-Jun-14 23:07:11

No twins here and I can't even imagine the shock.

Agree BIL cannot be chucked out straight away but I think there has to be some kind of time limit on him living with you.

He will never be able to live anywhere as cheaply and I hope he is making some financial contribution. Can some of the money he hopefully contributes at least pay for a cleaner a couple of times a week.

wilddogbert Mon 16-Jun-14 23:12:34

I am looking after BILs children because he doesn't really have anyone else. PILs help out sometimes but it's hard for them to do it over a long period of time.

PancakesAndMapleSyrup Mon 16-Jun-14 23:17:40

Since your bil seems to be in a position where he cant leave your home and you seem ok with him staying would it not be possible for him to hire a live out nanny to help you out with all the children? Is he giving you anything at all for staying with you or helping you in otherways?

wilddogbert Mon 16-Jun-14 23:18:48

BIL does pay us some rent and if we take his DCs out he will pay for petrol money or food.
I couldn't make him leave if he didn't have somewhere else to go as it's not fair on the DNs as they have already had so much disruption.
The DNs are 5 and 6.

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