Please note that threads in this topic are removed from the archive 90 days after the thread was started. If you would like your thread to be retrievable for longer than that, please choose another topic in which to post it.

How do I fix this?

(26 Posts)
Whitecup Mon 16-Jun-14 09:53:52

I've got so bogged down with this I could really do with some perspective please.

So... I went out with some girlfriends on Friday night. There was a TV in the bar we were in with the football on and a group of guys start talking to us about it in a completely friendly non sleazy way. One of them told us a funny story. Finish drink, move on to next bar, never see the men again, spend the night dancing with my friends.

Next morning I tell my dh (who I have been completely faithful to since the day we met and given him no reason to doubt my faithfulness) the funny story. Woooooaaahhhh.... He's gone berserk that I've spoken to 'a strange man'. He's not spoken to me since Saturday. I've obviously found his Achilles heel and I've apologised to him but he won't accept it and now I'm pissed that I'm being made to feel like a harlot for laughing at a joke. Next time I won't say anything but that feels like the trusts gone.

Aibu? If I am... How do I fix this it's horrible I hate arguments.

BlondieBrownie Mon 16-Jun-14 09:58:22

Your DH has trust issues, that's his problem. To give you the 'silent treatment' is childish and pathetic.

You've said sorry for doing absolutely nothing wrong, you listened to a joke from a man the a bar; if it was at work, in the park or another social place would that be okay?

Did he go out that night or is he again pathetic annoyed that he didn't go out to watch the football?

shakinstevenslovechild Mon 16-Jun-14 09:59:24

It isn't up to you to fix, nor should you have to apologise. You did nothing wrong at all.

Your 'd'h should be apologising for his reaction to a perfectly normal event.

In your shoes I would leave him to his mood and go about my normal business until he decides to grow up.

WilliamShatner Mon 16-Jun-14 09:59:43

Does he go out with male friends?

Do they sit in the corner or do they occasionally have a bit of banter with a group of women?

I have been 100% faithful all of my life but on a night out enjoy a bit of friendly banter with members of the opposite sex. Especially if you are in a group of women and there is a group of men, there will often be some light hearted remarks.

I don't wish to upset you but the ones that react with intense jealousy and outrage over their partner allegedly misbehaving are the ones most likely to misbehave themselves.

Whitecup Mon 16-Jun-14 10:04:44

Thank you. I'm not usually this pathetically sappy woman but after 2 days of silent treatment I have started to doubt myself. He does have trust issues... His ex left him for someone else. I told him I'm not her and I'm my own person but he just told me to 'F off' ... So charming

It's not your job to fix it. Your husband is reacting with irrational jealousy, and he needs to sort out his emotional insecurities.

Talking to people of the opposite sex is something that happens. Even enjoying their company and laughing at a joke together. This is not something that anyone ought to feel unable to do because of someone else's reaction.

It's ok for you to hate arguments, but please don't turn into an obedient little doormat who never goes out of the house without his permission, just to ward them off. It won't work, because the problem isn't what you do it's about his emotions, which are over the top by a long way.

TBH if he treated her like that every time she behaved like a normal independent human being, then I'm not surprised she left him. You can reassure him that you have no intention of leaving or being unfaithful, but you need to be able to live a normal life.

GatoradeMeBitch Mon 16-Jun-14 10:07:29

You don't fix it, it's for him to fix. If you apologize or try to make amends, it's possible this will become a regular issue. My ex was like this, he once had a go at me from late morning till evening because we went to the supermarket and I walked past the security guard twice. What was that all about? Did I fancy tall bald men now? Etc, etc. That was the last incident in a long line. It's a control thing. I think part of it was that he enjoyed me having to defend myself and pacify him. If you tell him anything, tell him to grow up, but don't try to fix it!

ElephantGoesToot Mon 16-Jun-14 10:07:52

You don't fix it because you've done nothing wrong.
He, on the other hand...

You've done nothing wrong. He needs to work on his attitude, and fast.

Whitecup Mon 16-Jun-14 12:36:40

Thanks again for taking the time to reply- it really has made me feel 100% better. I'm really angry at how he's carried on now. We are supposed to be going in holiday next week but he says he's cancelled it because I'm a disgrace... I'm honestly opening my eyes up to the bigger picture and I think he's verging on being a bully. I tried so many times on Saturday to give him a hug and ask him to draw a line under it. I'm angry I let myself feel id done something wrong. I do hate arguing but I'm not saying sorry again or pandering I his ways... Like you all say he needs to fix his attitude. Thanks again

whitepuddingsupper Mon 16-Jun-14 12:40:53

Tell him to feck off and you will go on holiday without him, bullying arse. I'd also be wondering if he was hiding something, my friend was in a relationship like this where her ex constantly accused her of wanting to cheat with other men, turned out he was the cheat and was just trying to deflect attention from his own shitty behaviour.

GatoradeMeBitch Mon 16-Jun-14 12:43:39

He cancelled your holiday because you had a conversation with a man while you were out? I don't even know what to say to that... Actually it might be an idea to repost this to 'relationships' or ask a mod to move it for you? You'll get a lot more help there.

Whitecup Mon 16-Jun-14 12:48:56

Thanks again for taking the time to reply- it really has made me feel 100% better. I'm really angry at how he's carried on now. We are supposed to be going in holiday next week but he says he's cancelled it because I'm a disgrace... I'm honestly opening my eyes up to the bigger picture and I think he's verging on being a bully. I tried so many times on Saturday to give him a hug and ask him to draw a line under it. I'm angry I let myself feel id done something wrong. I do hate arguing but I'm not saying sorry again or pandering I his ways... Like you all say he needs to fix his attitude. Thanks again

3asAbird Mon 16-Jun-14 12:50:30

Do you have kids? If not think i would consider leaving?

my husband accused me having affair other month was bloody daft dont think he belived it but lack trust upset me at the time.

did he book the holiday? wheres it too as be money lost dont make sense.

anyone you can go stay with have a break from selfish weird numpty?

Whitecup Mon 16-Jun-14 12:51:11

Oooops I have no idea what happened there.

Yes he says he's cancelling it- I did say I'd go on my own then (it's a group holiday) he told me to take my new boyfriend???? I despair. The way I feel at the moment honestly if he was cheating she's welcome to him and his stroppy mood.

Whitecup Mon 16-Jun-14 12:53:12

Yes we have children so it's not quite as easy as getting up and going. I don't really want to give up on my marriage, it's mostly good, I just want him to realise he's been a complete tool by over reacting and move on from it. I dread to think what's going to happen next time I go out.

runningonwillpower Mon 16-Jun-14 12:55:27

You're not allowed to speak to men?

What's next, let me guess - you won't be trusted to go out without him.

This needs nipping in the bud. He's not jealous because you are untrustworthy, he's jealous because he has a big problem.

Under no circumstances allow him to believe that his reaction is normal or that you have done anything wrong.

3asAbird Mon 16-Jun-14 12:57:14

I would suggest relate but cant see him going to that?

has he ever been controlling in other ways ie financial?

setting routines and rules in house?

has he ever been violent assume hes just sulky not angry?

Bifauxnen Mon 16-Jun-14 13:02:40

Does he speak to other women besides you?

Whitecup Mon 16-Jun-14 13:07:10

Yes he does like to be in control but never in a seemingly nasty way and I was financially dependent until Christmas last year- he's still financially in control though. I do find myself going along with things to keep the peace. I feel like I'm scratching the scab of our relationship sad

Whitecup Mon 16-Jun-14 13:09:23

Probably bifauxnen just not 'strange' women. I am much more sociable than him though.

Bifauxnen Mon 16-Jun-14 13:16:40

I was going to say pull him up on all the times he's spoken to other women and show him how irrational it is, but having read the whole thread I agree with others about it being bullying and part of a bigger issue. Don't stand for it, hand him his arse.
Can't help wonder what differentiates a woman from a 'strange' woman. confused

Optimist1 Mon 16-Jun-14 13:34:43

Two days' silent treatment? Cancelled holiday? You're a disgrace? He's seriously over-reacting, and I think you need to address this without delay. Couples' counselling?

voscar Mon 16-Jun-14 14:21:58

This can't be for real? You're married and have children and you've never seen this side to him before?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now