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To marry for more than love

(17 Posts)
citruslemon Sat 07-Jun-14 21:37:01

Have even divorced for 4 years. Fell madly & passionately in love with exH after the second date - good looking, charming, funny etc. Recognised his arrogance and narcissistic tendencies but was rather swept off my feet. Dismissed the fact that he had no job because he was trying to "find" himself. Had a horrible marriage, which involved domestic abuse. I was the sole breadwinner and worked through a difficult pregnancy while he sat at home unemployed. I paid the deposit etc for house and paid off his debts. After 4 years together the marriage fell apart.

I have been seeing someone for 2 years now. We've been taking it slow and he is keen to get married. I love him so much but have taken it slow because of DD who is close to her dad. But lately I have been thinking that I need to start making plans for our future. My boyfriend has a great job and I know that he would look after me emotionally and financially. I know he would be a great dad to DD cos they get on like friends. He has his own house and he said that I should keep the house I own to rent out and keep it as an investment for DD future. When I try to plan where I see my life going I have weighed up the fact of his job, house, stability etc. and then a part of me thinks that is "wrong" of me and that being in love should be enough.

When you decided to marry your now husband/wife did you just do so because you were in love with them or did you look at the bigger picture? Is it wrong of me to think about his career?? Hope that makes sense :/

Eebahgum Sat 07-Jun-14 21:42:21

Not married so don't know if I qualify but I think it's sensible to think about the bigger picture. It's not like you're saying you can't stand him but he has a great job so should you go for it? You love him. And there's a whole heap of other reasons why you should marry him. This sounds significantly more sensible than marrying someone who you love even though your logical brain says nothing else is right about them.

squoosh Sat 07-Jun-14 21:46:57

I think you're being sensible after being burnt in the past.

Preciousbane Sat 07-Jun-14 21:46:59

I had an absolutely awful first marriage, domestic violence fuelled and abusive.

I did look totally at the full package when dating again properly a year after breaking up.

Must admit I could never have dated a waster or anyone that sounded like your ex. The whole finding themselves would have been the biggest turn off.

Teapot13 Sat 07-Jun-14 21:47:22

A lot of the things you mention go to his character, not just finances. Suggesting you keep your house as an investment for your daughter is a very unselfish and responsible suggestion from a potential stepfather. You admiring this doesn't make you materialistic.

EasterSundaySimmons Sat 07-Jun-14 21:48:04

When I was young I used to believe that love conquers all and if you lived in a tent with nothing but love then you would get by!

I'm nearly fifty and am hope to meet someone to settle down with forever. However, I am not going to entertain dating someone who can't bring some stability to the table.

Your relationship sounds good because whilst there is love there is also stability and responsibility.

TeWiSavesTheDay Sat 07-Jun-14 21:51:57

You are being totally sensible - don't be tempted to think of sensible as meaning less romantic.

Isn't it more romantic that he has thought about all of your and your DDs needs? It shows a lot more care, thought and commitment than your ex!

beccajoh Sat 07-Jun-14 21:53:35

I think it's perfectly reasonable to consider things other than love when deciding whether to marry someone. People often put more thought into buying a car than they do a life-long partner. DH was The One, but it was more than just love. He had a job, decent work ethic, he wanted kids, we had the same morals, he is thoughtful and kind etc etc.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 07-Jun-14 21:55:02

It's not wrong of you at all to look at the bigger picture - it's essential.

You are assessing his character - kindness, altruism, responsibility - not being materialistic.

I think he sounds great smile

MisForMumNotMaid Sat 07-Jun-14 21:55:13

I think that life teaches you to be more practical as you gain more responsibilities. You have a child and a divorce any moves you make in life you're going to do your damnedest to do with your eyes open.

I married for a second time with two young DC from my first marriage. I wouldn't have married DH if we wouldn't have been secure. I quizzed him on finances and how we'd manage etc. As far as I'm concerned it was part of the package.

Hopefully obviously, now we're married we'll work through lifes lumps and bumps together. We've had a few.

It sounds very sensible to me, to play through practicalities in your mind. I do think that there needs to be more than just it makes sense though. A spark of some sort.

wafflyversatile Sat 07-Jun-14 22:03:07

Whoever you were marrying you would include the particulars of their situation - job, looks, hobbies, family, humour, existing children values etc into your plans/visions of your future together.

You've been badly burnt and these things are 'signs' that it will not be like last time/he will not be like your ex. very sensible.

It would be much odder to think 'I love him so I will marry him even though he is a sponging cheating abusive bastard'.

wafflyversatile Sat 07-Jun-14 22:04:29

What would be a mistake, most likely, would be to marry him for those reasons without the love. It wouldn't be fair on him and would be unlikely to work out long-term.

Brabra Sat 07-Jun-14 22:07:53

I think it is natural and healthy to look at the bigger picture. I married very young, luckily it has worked out well, but if I was doing it now I would certainly be looking at the whole picture. You are older and wiser now.

thecatwithblueeyes Sat 07-Jun-14 22:09:10

I think it is absolutely right of you and shows you're a good mother and a mature person.

citruslemon Sat 07-Jun-14 22:16:19

Thank you all. Your replies have made me really emotional!
I think I really have found the prince I dreamt of and should embrace it, rather than letting past experiences hold me back. Thank you x

venusandmars Sat 07-Jun-14 22:17:09

My first marriage was abusive.

I left and then a year later met "the love of my life" - intellectually, physically, personality emotionally, it was all wonderful , except that he was crap financially. And so when I got legal and financial separation from exh everything changed for me. The hard fought for money was for ME and DCs, and it was important that nothing disrupted that.

It was so difficult for me to leave new man, but in the end, it had to happen.

Then I met current dp (20 years ago). He is utterly reliable. 100% honest. Secure, truthful, a wonderful friend to my dcs. Our relationship is about HEART and HEAD.

And in the last 20 years we have had ups and downs in my career and his, and family issues, and financial issues, cancer of a child, and parental deaths and inheritance issues - you need more than just 'love' to deal with all of that.

Billynomates71 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:19:54

I think the fact that he has a good job, own house, and is sensitive about ensuring your future security and your DD's speaks volumes. I don't think you are thinking about these things because you are marrying for money or being mercenary about your future life partner, but because these things inform you that he is a decent, motivated, honest and genuine person. Yanbu, I wish you every happiness, sounds like you've found a keeper smile x

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