Do kids need to deserve their Christmas presents?

[MPoth]

Hi all,

Sorry if this has been covered previously, I'm new here!

We have 3 kids, girl 17, boy 15 and girl 13. The 15 year old wants the most expensive present (£600 computer) but is being the worst behaved at the moment. The 13 year old is being the best behaved and wants the least expensive present (£139 iPod touch). The 17 year old wants an iPhone (around £400). Happily we can afford these presents if we decide we want to give them.

Do you think that kids need to deserve their presents, or should we just give them what they want because we love them and want them to be happy and feel valued?

Thanks in advance for your comments.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Hmm, I suppose you could give them what they want, and if your 15 year old keeps acting up you can take it away again.

[reup]

Wow they are incredibly expensive presents.

I don't think they have to deserve presents but I suppose you need to have some sort of check on his behaviour so maybe withdrawing use of it later on if he continues to be awful after xmas.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

What reup and Oldlady said. Our dd is getting a lot, she is an only child. The point is, she needs nothing and wants for nothing. Me and dh have had this conversation, I think he spoils her to make up in some sort of twisted way, for not spending as much time with her as he should. I must clarify, he works such horrible hours, not because we aren't together.

[Knownowt]

Hmmm, depends on what you mean by bad behaviour- this can encompass everything from being a bit surly and messy to violence etc.

Generally I think gifts should be just that- things freely given, not bribes for good behaviour- so I don't think children need to prove they deserve them. I'd rather deal with (minor) bad behaviour in other ways. I also think that giving generous presents to two children and not the third could be counter-productive and make the third child feel left out and therefore justified in being unpleasant.

[displayuntiltwelfthnight]

I don't think children necessarily have to earn their Christmas presents, although if they are older and are not behaving at all as they should then they shouldn't expect to get presents of the value you are looking at buying them as they are expensive items and shouldn't be taken for granted by teenagers.

I don't think the cost of the present has any bearing on how much you love a child or value them, so giving them something less expensive wouldn't be in some way suggesting they are less valued in your eyes and I think it's good for children to know that the size and cost of a present isn't indicative of the way the giver feels about the recipient or they will grow up expecting a lot from those close to them and possibly be disappointed with anything less in future.

[GypsyMoth]

its a given really isn;t it!? they know they will get them,good behaviour or not

[mumeeee]

Kids don't have to deserve their presents. But those presents are very expensive and I would not spend that much on my kids. You don't have to give them expebsive presents for them to feel loved and valued.

[Knownowt]

displayuntiltwelfthnight, I agree with you in theory but I think in practice most teenagers would notice if their present was miles smaller than their siblings' (eg iphone, ipod, £5 book token )

The size of a present isn't a measure of love, of course, but massive differences in size of presents between siblings could be interpreted like that by a teenager, definitely. If everyone gets a £5 book token, no problem.

[expatinscotland]

those are astonishingly expensive presents even if you can afford them.

[Heqet]

I don't think they need to earn their christmas presents.

I do think that you need to spend the same amount on each child though - although I am a bit weird about that stuff! practically count out peas to make sure they've got the same

However - you can use it to your advantage in the coming months - "if you do X again / don't do X right now... you are banned from for a week.

[mysteryfairy]

They are expensive presents but they are common items for teenagers to have - I wouldn't agree with posters suggesting they are inaapropriate presents full stop.

I would be dubious about giving one of my children an iTouch and the other an iPhone as these are essentially the same thing but the iPhone has the functionality of a mobile phone as well. I think I would make a call on which of these I wanted to buy and then actually get them both the same. At the very least I'd probably get the 13yr old an iTouch with more memory (32GB about £229 or 64GB £229) or a few iTunes vouchers, a decent docking station or similar if there is a reason for her not having the phone functionality, just to even things up.

In terms of the fifteen year old I think a computer is a perfectly reasonable present for him, he is presumably preparing for GCSEs and as well as fun applications I think it has good practical use. However £600 buys a lot of computer these days - I think you can get an adequate laptop for half that amount so I would shop around.

Presents aren't conditional on good behaviour in my house, otherwise my middle child (13yr old DS2) would be on course for a lump of coal. It is tough being the middle of 3 and tough being a 15 year old boy - my DS2 comes off badly in any behaviour comparision to his younger sister and always has. I think you should cut him some slack, showing you value him is more likely (though not guaranteed) to result in an improvement than diminshing him at xmas would be, even though when they are awful it's very hard to like them, no matter how much you love them.

[reup]

are iphones really common for teens to have? None of the ones I know have them.

All my single 30 something friends with no kids and great jobs are only just getting them.

[displayuntiltwelfthnight]

knownowt, oh I agree completely,I didn't mean that I thought if one of the teens was out of order that they should then get a lesser present while their siblings got the flash ones, but I can see why my post made you think that! Oops! .
My thinking was that if someone is talking about spending hundreds of pounds on an individual then there's probably more to consider as you don't want to spend that money on children if they've behaved badly as it almost suggests that they can do what they want and still get hundreds of pounds-worth of the latest technology! So while I don't believe that presents have to be earned, I do think that there has to be a bit of discretion used if you're looking to spend that amount of money when a lot less money can be spent on perfectly wonderful presents IMHO.

[mysteryfairy]

iPhones are common for teens round here. My DS1 kept telling me about friends of his (yr 9) who had them and I was extremely sceptical, but have observed several of them using them in my house of late.

They are old news for my 30 something friends, even the SAHMs, although I still haven't got one.

[CirrhosisByTheSea]

Deserved or not, personally I find just being given a 600 quid computer too much

I would have thought it would be better to give money towards that, for the child to match with earnings if they have a part time job, or save up for.

I think it's a bit gross to be honest even if you can afford it.