I know I need to be honest with her in order to get the help I need but am really worried that if I tell her how desperate I have got that she will involve social services.

My kids are really in no danger at all I would never hurt them, but I guess they do have a mother with ishoos that need sorting out.

does anyone know what will happen process wise when I see the GP this week?

I am fearfull that I will get in there and talk to her about something else so that I can avoid this topic.

be honest.be totally honest.i skirted round a few questions which i dont think have helped me tbh.if you want to talk about anything i am happy to listen?
j is asleep in his buggy so ive got time!does anyone else feel like all thier child does is sleep

It might help to write down what you want to say, and then read it out to the doctor.

Be as honest as you can, in order to give a true picture of how you're feeling.

Writing it down will make it less likely that you'll avoid the topic.

I hope the appointment goes well, and you are soon feeling much better.

do you think if I write it down I could also write what I would like to happen, as I feel like I will be encourgaed to try meds. DONT want to do that I am not depressed.
I think that I will be embarrassed and just accept what is offered then get home and be upset that I have wasted time again.

just write down whatever is in your head.honestly it does actually help.you might find you write it a few times until your 'happy' with it.you cant be forced to have ads.and if it is being encouraged why dont you take them just so you know you have something?it doesnt mean you have to take them.
(((hug)))

thanks.
Do I have to go into detail with her about the cause of my ishoos or can I skirt over them but be firm on the fact that I need professional help?
Not sure I am ready to talk to her about all my baggage, also knowing that there will be a waiting room full of people needing her time I will feel rushed.

could you book a double appointment or is it too late now?thats what i did.i really think you need to be honest.she needs the whole picture really.oh listen to me.i can dish it out but not do it myself!

me too sweet, each time I post on your thread about you being strong - it is so silly as I have been sat here writing letter saying goodbye to my boys on the laptop in between posting.

oh fuck jen please dont do that!!
please come on msn!

please let me help you x

I really think I won't but that is today..
don't worry about me.
last week I talked open and honestly to my sister and she was amazing, but I KNOW I need help.

can you do msn.im really worried about you now x

please please don't worry I don't feel like that today, I can't put msn on my laptop (it is too decrepid)
I just mainly worry that if I am TOTALLY honest with the GP that she will faff about the safety of the boys and I would never do anything to them

ok.well you need to be firm about that with her then.see i know that when i was asked that question i wasnt honest.<gulp>if i tell you how i feel do you think it would help you not feel so alone?

Your GP would be failing if she did not try to reassure herself that your boys are well cared for - expect questions and answer tham honestly.

I agree with Humphreycushion that you should write down what you need to say and say it.

Even if you get a prescription for antidepressants, it's up to you whether or not you take them.

If it's therapy you need, be clear about why it's so important and ask to be referred.

only share things that you want to share.
I just know that the events that took place along time ago have affected almost everything I have done since. it has been a distructive force in my life, I need to be re-programmed (for want of a better phrase)
good things don't happen to me and when they do something within me brings about their downfall as internally I just know I am not worth good stuff.
what makes me so sad at the moment is that things are going so well with Dh and the boys that I just know I am in distruction mode.. my less rational moments mean that I know I need to get out of my boys life before I mess them up. and I know I couldn't live on this earth and no be with them.

ok.i dont think me telling you will help then.but what i do think is that you need to talk all the things through which are in your head even if you think they sound odd for want of a better word?if i can do this jen then i am sure you can.we could hold eachothers hands?? xxxx

I will be thinking of you tomorrow..
you are an amazing woman, dealing with all this now is so much better than hiding from it for alot of years... even though it is hard.
Is your little man still asleep?

hi Jen - saw your name and did not want to pass by.

Sounds to me like you are making a good step by going to see doctor. I am sure he or she will be much more used to this than you.

If you don't get a helpful answer, could you try another doc in practice?

im not really that amazing jen.i hide alot.pretend things are ok when i know they arent.dont speak the whole truth of how i feel half the time.need i go on!but i guess thats what a lot of people do?
he is still sleeping but ill have to wake him shortly or tonight will be an issue again
so what are you going to do with the rest of your day?
xx

thanks ruby. I have taken guidance as to which gp to see so hopefully it shouldn't be too bad. I am just in a wibble about it all.

Its OK to wibble - think of all the lovely support when you get back here to

MWAH - big supportive smacker!

thanks hon...

Ruby directed me here

Sorry things are difficult for you at the moment Jen.

FWIW - you sound like you know exactly what you need and that is professional counselling - is that right? If so, then you can tell the GP that and go into the basics but not the detail. If you dont want ADs then tell them that as well.

Take care.

sorry things arent going well at the mo.
i would suggest that you talk to doctor honestly, and firmly say you do not want antidepressents. there is a waiting list here, about 6 months i beleive for getting other help. so i would be honest and see if it helps get you there any quicker iyswim.

in the meantime shout rant and let it out on here

thanks ladies..
whats hard is that in comparison to the lives of others, I have no problems at all.. It just really scares me to think that a huge part of me can't be here

Hi Jingley

I'm sorry you are having a hard time too.

I would suggest writing down what ever it is you need to say to the doctor too, that way you won't forget or feel you can't say things...even if you just hand it to him/her, I am sure they will understand.

As for being worried about your boys, the mere fact you recognise there is a problem, and you want to sort it out, shows you are not a threat to them, only a loving and caring mother would want help, and to help her children.
Getting the help you need, and being there for them is the best thing you can do.

(please don't consider leaving them, I have had it happen to me as a child and believe me a mum with issues is better than no mum!)

Hope you can work things out

xx

Jen - I dont know how much you know of my history, but anyway:

I lost my dad 8 years ago in an industrial accident - suffered with depression, got berivement councelling and meds and felt ok again.

I got PDN after DS1 was born, but fell preg with DS2 so no treatment, as I felt a lot better, but....

DS2 was unwell and I soldiered on until well things just went off the wall. DH took me to the doctors and I just broke down and it all came out. I was so sure I was a crap mum and the boys would be better off withour me. DS2 was a year old.

I received a visit from the mental health crisis team the following day and everyday the following week, saw a consultant and received CBT at home on a weekly basis, which I finnished last week (DS2 will be 2 in June). I still am on meds, but will be looking to reduce them when I see my consultant week after next and also have an assigned mental health nurse.

I have had superb treatment, they have not once questioned with me my ability to look after my children, although they did have that conversation with DH seperatly.

I will CAT you my details, so please feel free to contact me and I will go though with you exactly what happended if you like.

I am not treated as though I am mad, I have an illness and they have treated me in that way.

I do hope that you can seek some help so that you can see that life is worth living and that you can make such a difference in your childrens lifes.

Thank you for all your honesty.
One of the things I am struggling with is that I really don't feel depressed. my thoughts about not being here are so clear, unfuzzy, uncompromising. I KNOW they aren't rational thoughts... they can't be.. but the numpty in me can't get past them.
it really does feel like I need a re-wire. EHM suggested a CBT lady who I have been in contact with, but she is £90 per session... I am really hoping the NHS will help with a little of the cost.

Arg, but Jen. I really didnt believe that my thoughts were irrational in anyway.

The analogy that suited me best was that my thoughts were flowers and weeds in a feild. The bad ones were weeds, but I didnt have the skills to tell the flowers or the weeds apart.

Get this I truely believed I was a bad mum, really really did, even thought I would write down all the things I did to make me a good mum, I just couldnt get past it.

With the help of CBT I have. well most of the time. I picture my irrational/bad thoughts as rubbish in a river and I am in a boat and I sail on by without giving them any value or weight.

A good read would be this by Paul Gilbert. I keep a copy in my downstairs loo

thanks for that TMH, it is now on order...
I like your analogy... can't seem to recognise any weeds at the moment though..

JJ - How are you feeling this morning?

Ah bless you for asking...
things aren't good,
I barely slept lastnight, I am not sure I can talk to her about it, I am frightened that once the ball is rolling I won't be able to stop/control it.. I can't cope with the idea of not being in control.

DH is being amazing and has offered to take the time off work and come with me, but this just feels like it makes the pressure worse.. If I do this it has to be because I want to rather than because everyone around me has pushed me into it.

I so know that in comparison to other ladies on here my life is brilliant, it almost feels like I should just shut up and carry on...

argh I just feel in such a muddle about it.

sorry to see you are having a tough time,even so you manage to offer others support, that, makes you pretty special you know.
just remember you made tha appointment not dh all he is doing is letting you know he is there for you, sounds to me that you do want to do it so remember use small steps and you will get there xx

easier to talk people through their problems than dealing with your own I find

I will go tomorrow, I hate the unknown, I have no idea what she will say, I have run the conversation over in my head so many times.

I don't want her to dismiss my problems but nor do I want the front door knocking down by social services.

I know exactly what you mean about talking to others about their problems, and for me, the answers seem cut and dry, shame i can't apply the same logic to my own life

I posted a huge long post to you earlier and my computor crashed .

Let me just tell you what happened when i went to the doctor, of course a lot will depend on your doctor and the services your health centre can offer.

I basically broke down, completely, was hysterical in the clinic over something trivial (i thought my tonsils were tumours - i suffer from severe health anxiety). My doctor was lovely, not over sympathetic, i didn't want that. There was not one mention of social services nor any questions about how i cope with DD. Which i do, most of the time. Please don't worry about this, you recognise that you have a problem and you are doing something about it, that makes you a better mother than most. I was given the option of ADs which i didnt take at first, and my doctor was totally OK with that, you will not be forced onto ADs, but they will be offered if they think you will benefit. Taking ADs does not mean an admission that you are depressed (although that in itself is not a weakness or the end of the world). I was given them for anxiety, which really sounds from what you describe is what you are going through - i have found them really helpful for that side of things. I was given counselling which for me was as useful as a chocolate teapot, but if you can get CBT that will be a real help. You might have to be qutie assertive to get this.

Write everything down too, makes things easy to remember. If its hard to talk, just give her the note.

I think its good your DH wants to come along, he wants to understand too - makes it easier for him maybe to understand, but that is up to you.

You sound very strong actually, you will get through this. And please stop beating yourself up over this, you have ishoos, you say. That means you are unwell, its physical, you are not a wallower or weak - just need a pick me up. Yes of course there are people with more concrete problems around, most of my problems are in my head, it doesnt make them any less real. Some of those poeople will need help, others wont - we are all different. But you are not weak and you WILL get over this.

Do let us know how you get on

SO how does this sound?

I will go and tell her that some recent events have flipped open stuff that I have not dealt with from when I was younger.
I don't feel depressed but what I need is her assistance to find the help I need to clear the problems from my past.
====
but what are these problems
====
I was attacked when I was a child and although I have managed to get to this point without external assistance, it is really causing problems.
===
what kind of problems
===


well this is the point that it breaks down...
Do I tell her I feel a strong determination that I should remove myself from the planet

Argh

JJ - Yes you need to tell her about the suicidal thoughts as they really do determine the level of treatment you will recieve.

One thing that I promiced my DH through all this is that I would not lie, as it would be counter productive. If you do not tell them the abolute truth they can not begin to help you get better.

I also agree with LucyEllen you need to involve DH, it will give him an understanding of what is going on and also they are going to ask him things too at some stage. DH has been my rock thoughout all my treatment and although he found it hard that I didnt want to be alive at times, he dealt with it and it also gave him an insight into just have removed I was from things.

you know what jingley, i dont think that the details of what is playing on your mind is what you should be discussing with the doctor. Tell her about it if you feel you want to by all means, but just tell her that you just feel like shit, i think you should tell her you are suicidal or have been having those thoughts. Just tell her you are not happy and dont feel like you can handle things on your own - she is not going to want to start probing into the history, as you say, that is where it all becomes painful for you (so sorry you have had to deal with that btw) - but seeing her will be the start you need. Do not be fobbed off with "its tough having kids" bullshit, be open and honest and don't leave without a refferal.

My bet is she will have you fill out a questionaire thing, and she will most likely refer you for further counselling.

Listen, what happened to you was not your fault, the fact that you are struggling with the demons it left, IS NOT YOUR FAULT, but by saying its not your fault doesnt mean you don't have the power to do something about them, which you are, much respect to you for putting up a fight, fighting for yourself and your family.

ive just looked at your profile, what a lovely family you have, gorgeous kids and hubby too

thank you LucyEllensmum for both your messages..

I hope I will get more sleep tonight, just managing to hold things together today but another night with no sleep will make me a wreck tomorrow.

just wanted to say i will be thinking about you tomorrow and sending you some ((hugs))
hope you manage to sleep

hi darling.i just wanted to say ill be thinking about you today.be strong true and honest xxxxx

Hope everything goes OK today. Please let us know

thanks everyone,
feeling scared, had the runs for the last 24 hours and not keeping food down, not sure if it is a bug or worry (I think probably worry)

I am less worried about them bashing my door down and taking the boys but still really scared about starting a ball rolling that I am not going to be able to stop.

Not sure I am ready to deal with this stuff...
however, if Iwill can get through yesterday, I can get through today...

Dh has decided to take the afternoon off and is going to look after DS2 and DS1 is going to play with a friend after school. I wanted to have DS2 with me - not sure why, something to cuddle, focus on? But DH has said no.

Will be thinking of you today. Your DH is right, sensible to be able to focus on talking to the doc really. If you are feeling fraught and uptight DS may well pick up on this and be irritable. You do sound like you have a lovely relationship (and he is more than a bit gorgeous! LEM wonders at the appropriateness of complimenting others posters DHs )

Yes, you are starting the ball rolling, but remember, you are always in control, the doctors are there to help, not control, you are asking for help and they are providing you with a service, it helps to think of it that way i find. We are often brought up to believe that doctors are all powerful etc, they are simply doing a job (a bloody good one and very necessary) and you are effectively their customer - look at it that way and you stay in control. I do see that losing control seems to be a big issue you for you, i think you should mention this as i am willing to bet that is due to things that have happened in the past. This is really such a positive thing you are doing, as you are taking the reins and getting your life back - well done and take care x

thank you everyone for your support,
I went to the appointment this afternoon.
It didn't go as I had planned, I cried more that I should and paniced more than I should.

She assured me she isn't going to have the children taken away, or have the men in white coats take me away.

but she also agreed that the clarity in my thoughts and lack of other signs of depression would suggest this really does need more help than she can offer.

She has sent an urgent fax to the psychiatry unit at the hospital asking for an emergency assesment.. (what that means I am not sure)
She wants to see me again on Friday I paniced and thought it would be an ambush people come to take me away.. she assured me it was just so she can see how I am.

I ttold her that my fear was having started the process that I couldn't stop if I felt I couldn't handle it, she assured me that I can get "off the rollercoaster at any time"

I had cried so much that my face looked like a beetroot so she let me out of the fire escape door so I didn't have to walk back through reception.

So I now have a million more questions.
how long till they contact me from the hospital,
who will I see
what will they do!

Anway if any of you have any tips (aside from pull yourself together ) please share..
thanks again your support has been so valued.

First of all WELL BLOODY DONE we all know how much guts that took to do that. hopefully you feel reassured. I didn't get pysch assesment although am going to ask for one, but lots of people on here have had this and it is just so you get the right treatment and therapy and quickly - so all positives.

Keep posting and keep talking to that lovely DH of yours. If you ever feel out of control and you are alone, ring the samaritans.

You have just taken the first step to feeling good again, that was a HUGE steps, luckily its baby steps from now on. Wishing you all the luck in the world, your boys are lucky to have you you know.

btw might be an idea to start a thread asking about the psych assesment. I know a few posters who have had this, but im buggered if i can remember their names

Its not possible to cry to much when so much is pent up inside. If you can't let it all out to your GP when asking for help the world would be a very sad place.

RE what happens now I posted about something that happened to a friend for who things were difficult yesterday in another thread but it seams relevant so here goes.... After she was assessed she got a day a week to herself. I believe it was through her GP and social services they found local centers to take the children and arranged taxi collection all paid for to allow her some space to find herself - be that being able to drink a full cup of tea uninterrupted, go back to bed and catch up on some critical sleep or read a magazine. The older children were school age and they arranged school drop off/ collection as well on that one day so it really was a chance to have a break. She stayed in control and got to pre-approve the childcare arrangements.

You are the very best person for your kids don't ever forget it. You've made such a significant life changing step today and shown you really can move forwards.

Very best wishes to you and yours

LucyEllensMum..DH read your message and is very very flattered! he doesn't see that he is handsome the way I do..
thank you so much again for all your support..

Still fearful but calmer than earlier

HI Jen

I had the emergency assement, basically two mental health nurses came round to my house and aked me loads of questions about my upbringing, did I or had I taken drugs, sucicide stuff, health issues. I cried a lot and then they came back the next day and asked some other stuff.

They also left me with a 24 hour number in case I needed to chat to anyone and then arranged for a community mental health nurse to pop in daily until they could have a case conference with a consultant.

I also saw the consultant for medications and a chat before the case conference. The CPN would have come too if I wanted. DH came instead.

Once the conference had taken place they then discussed my treatment options with me.

I hope this helps you, feel free to ask any questions

TMH did you feel comfortable with all the activity focussed on you?
I am finding the whole thought of these people focussing time and attention on me REALLY uncomfortable.
Were you encouraged to take Meds?
I feel like lieing and tellign then I am fine...

well done for today ((((((((big hugs)))))))))
the assessment will be like TMH said pleasebe honest or i will tell IWILL to tell you off lots.
the best treatment for you may or may not be meds but they will tell you honestly why they recomend the treatment that they do. You are brave enough to do this, so dnt give in now.
i am guessing they will look at anxiety as opposed to depression so treatment varies greatly and counselling works well. take care x

I have been thinking about yesterday's appointment alot.
What I wanted was for her to take me seriously
to get a referal for more help
NOT to come out on AD's

so for all the tears and beetroot face the result was what I had wanted.

I now just need to take the next step once it is presented.

THANKYOU!! I wish I could take you all out for a pint.. / orangejuice for all those who don't drink.

hope they contact you soon so you can get to that next step xx

Well done jingleyjen. Very brave

mines a New Quay brown Jen .

I did find all the questions un-nerving, but they are all for the right reasons.

I also wasnt pushed down the medication path, but it was advised for me and TBH I feel no different to normal on it. If they get the correct medication for you it can do wonders. CBT and Medication together have a much higher sucess rate.

I think that the medication put me in a position to be able to deal with some of the issues which would have tipped me over the edge previously

Arrrgh what do I do now..
I have an appointment with GP friday morning.. My Mother has just invited herself over.
I said I had an appointment and she said perfect, she will look after DS2..

I think I may have to go for a walk rahter than come straight home (I live directly opposite the surgery!)

Hmmm got me panicing again...

OK, so i take it your mum is unaware of the situation. I havent told my mother either as she simply wouldnt understand, especially the ADs it would freak her out. So i sympathise.

But dont worry, you have done the shitty bit so you are going to be less likely to break down on friday anyway, well not to the extent that you will have panda eyes. Tell her its a routine gynae/smear appointment and its a double so likely to take longer, then you can fall back on the whole, i was waiting for ages scenario - take yourself off for a coffee or a walk, wash your face and get yourself together.

You'll be fine, the doctor has told you what is going to happen, so nothing new is going to be suggested on friday, they are simply making sure you are OK in the meantime. It will be a good opportunity to have a rational chat with the doc about what will happen, you can ask some of the questions you have asked here and be in a better frame of mind to listen to the answers. I honestly have found it so much easier to be objective with my doctor since the initial breakdown. In fact i find it easier to go and see her following a bad patch and say, look, ive had a bad couple of days, what shall we do now? sort of thing.

I seem to have verbal diarreoah of the fingers tonight. Im going to go to bed i think.

Dont worry about your mum, she might get an inkling something is up, but she wont ask i promise. Talk to her by all means if you think you can, if not. Fall back on, bloody uncomfortable smear test and the nurse with ice cold fingers!

LEM, she is part of the problem so I will be on BEST behaviour on friday.

verbal diarreoah is good. any inisght into what may happen next is good!

Thnaks again.

im very pruod of you x

how are you this evening honey?

oh yuo know

hows your little man today?

your gp will just have a chat, they may have a responce from the hospital to discussbutit will all be fine, its more to allow you to ask questions especially as you wre so upset last time, you should talk to iwillNOT hers wants to make an appearance this week too, until you have talked to the psychiatric nurse its hard to guess what will happen so try not to let it play on your mind, i know that tis hard.
take care and remember you have nothing to fear xx

Just wanted to offer my support for your appointment tomorrow/today hope it goes OK, dont worry, you'll be fione

THANK YOU .

Have decided to write down the questions Ihave,

Will let you know how I get on.

Good luck today jingleyjen

Good luck today jingleyjen

Jen - I hope it all went OK

The morning hasn't gone as planned

here

Oh Jen I missed that sorry.

I had all my visits at home, which woked out OK for me as they tailoured them for when my boys were asleep.

Please let me know how it goes. My mum was part of my problem too