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Practicalities

(66 Posts)
Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 06:56:45

So it would seem my husband has tripped over and landed dick first in somebody else's vagina.
Being the practical type usually but currently curled up in a ball, what are the practicalities of these situations please ?
THank you

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 07:05:16

Many and various.

Start by recognising you are in shock, and won't be making good decisions for a while. Try to avoid making the big, permanent decisions for a few months.

But might you find it easier to think, and work possible options for the future, if you separate? Does he yet know that you know?

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 08:14:07

He confessed so yes he knows i know

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Feb-13 08:20:07

I always think the best first step is to ask them to leave and let you get your head together without them breathing down your neck. You can't make good decisions when someone is around trying to influence your thinking. Get yourself some space to think, get support from others, get information from agencies and professionals.... then you can make a considered decision about what you want to happen next.

Mosman, I hope that, should I ever have the misfortune to be in deep shock, I gain your sense of humour. The way you described your DH's infidelity had me rofling. Was it just the once, or had he perfected the manoevre?

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 08:27:10

Thank you, I have to say talent like that really shouldn't go to waste but i'm choosing to believe it was just once they were at the hotel together, presumably you wouldn't go to that kind of effort and not get through a pack of three at least though. I'd like to think he spent my money wisely.

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 08:40:48

Would murder be an option?

Do you know why he confessed? Has he ended it? What does he say his intentions are? ie what are you faced with?

It's desperately unfair that you get landed with all the shit as a result of what he did.

Your first priority is to yourself and your DCs. You need, really need, to look after yourself in the first weeks - the shock is akin to medical shock, and it can be an effort to remember to eat and sleep, let alone do anything else. But you just have to get through it somehow. Not having him there in your face can be very helpful. Would you consider asking him to leave for a few weeks whilst you work through the initial processing of what has happened and think about options for the future? Including whether you want him in that future?

SnowBusiness Tue 12-Feb-13 09:19:52

mosman nooo!

Is he australian? Do you have to consider whether you would be stuck there if you divorce? Downunderdolly may have very practical advice if you pm her.

First and best practical advice: eat little and often, rest, and get some fresh air each day. Neglecting your body will make things worse.

Would he agree to leaving the family home for at least a few days to allow you thinking space? Unfortunately, if he refuses to leave you can't force him to do so, and leaving yourself is not a good idea. (a person can only be forced/locked out of the family home immediately for violence).

Is there a close and sensible friend nearby who could come round and help you with DC, etc for a day or two? Tempting though it might be to involve your mum or sister or someone who will threaten to cut your H's nuts off and feed them to him, someone who can do the quiet, practial, 'there there' type of support without fuelling your rage or pressuring you to forgive him at once would be useful.
Best of louck. Whatever happens, 'this too shall pass'.

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 10:33:18

I've punched him in the head [not proud]

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 10:38:09

Don't worry about that - unless you've been in the habit of hitting him at other times. One irrational and atypical outburst at the very moment of discovery doesn't count.

SnowBusiness Tue 12-Feb-13 10:39:36

Mosman, it's a shocking situation for both of you. I love your posts (am a NCer) and have links to where you are.

What is he saying to you? Did he tell you or did you discover him? I'd ask him to leave, if only for a few days so that you can get your head together a bit. Do you have anyone near by who can come and drink wine with you hold your hand?

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 10:56:11

Will post more when i'm in private but same person, fucked twice, one met up with tried to fuck didn't within our first year of marriage and next one just a year ago, on our door step.
Whilst I was holding down a full time job and looking after 4 kids on my own whilst he played worked away.

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 10:57:00

One every 2.5 years of marriage.
Bastard

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 10:57:24

am drinking and smoking heavily. feel shit.

SnowBusiness Tue 12-Feb-13 11:54:11

Oh FUCK. You'd be feeling like shit whether you didn't drink or smoke, so don't worry about that.

I'd get him out now. You can change your mind later. Why did he tell you?

You poor, poor thing.

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 12:01:51

I caught him out online, she replies to a text he sent in 2009 and he decides to relive their funtimes and i said no you don't buddy.
Manage to drag out of him yesterday that he'd fucked her and then today i knew it wasn't all out so said right this is your chance to at least clear your conscience and it turns out he met the first one when we had been married for less than a year, second/third is my fault, not enough attention ie knee deep in three little kids and the fourth time he has no explanation for, life was good, marriage fine just had a new baby who he idolises - again i am working my arse off to keep us afloat and he's banging some tart.

SnowBusiness Tue 12-Feb-13 12:06:58

Not good, not good at all. At least he has told you of torrid things you knew nothing of, so it could be the whole truth. For tonight, it would seem you need to prepare for a long road. Nothing will be resolved in the first few days and not much in the first few weeks.

Are you going to work tomorrow?

izzyizin Tue 12-Feb-13 12:09:43

Feeling like shit goes with with territory, honey, but that feeling will disappear once you have decided what to do about the shit.

There's a place for booze & fags and you're in it, but you'll be able to put these crutches back in the cupboard when you've processed the shock of your discovery.

In order to explore the myriad feelings of hurt and pain betrayal inevitably invokes, allow yourself time to wallow before metaphorically rolling your sleeves up and setting to work on rearranging your altered circumstances to suit yourself.

scaevola Tue 12-Feb-13 12:13:14

So he didn't confess - you caught him out.

I had wondered if he'd made a terrible mistake, but actually had a conscience and so owned up freely with the hope that by laying it open he could fully repent, seek healing etc. But no; you had to drag it out of him, and now he's trying to blame you.

Have you got a RL confidante nearby? You might not want to tell the world yet, but having someone you trust will make a difference.

Have you told him to leave?

Major outburst (already achieved?) followed by icy dignity might be a practical approach. Show him what he's chucking away.

Mosman Tue 12-Feb-13 12:24:10

I am never going to work again, I have worked my arse off for this family and look how i've been repaid, oh no, over to him, he is going to keep me in the style of which i am accustomed one way or another.

izzyizin Tue 12-Feb-13 12:28:39

That's the spirit - have another wine grin

TheSecondComing Tue 12-Feb-13 12:30:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin Tue 12-Feb-13 12:31:03

Aiming for the wallet can inflict a lot more long lasting damage than a quick reflex punch to a betrayer's noddle. You go, gal smile

Sunnywithshowers Tue 12-Feb-13 14:23:02

Oh shit mosman, what a bastard.

More wine for you.

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