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I have a choice, an abortion or relationship

(116 Posts)
tuckit Mon 28-Jan-13 16:36:04

ok, i'm ancient, dp even more so.

i was open about wanting to have a baby and initiating unprotected sex. dp was quite clear about not wanting another baby, most of the time, but on at least one occasion he agreed that we could try. he would sometimes ask if I was fertile and if I said yes he would say no sex then, most times he wouldn't ask. I was monitoring my cycles and never lied about cycle status.

I am now pregnant and he is saying I tricked him into it. He feels abused and wants me to have an abortion. If not he wants us to split up, even though we have a toddler that he loves.
I don't accept that he was tricked, I believed that because he knew the risks he was consenting. I really don't think I'm deluding myself about this. He does.

So, I'm faced with the choice, abortion and status quo in terms of relationship and living arrangements, or continuing with the pregnancy and uprooting all of us from our house and separating existing child from father.

Can I actually terminate this pregnancy that I really wanted without going mad? Is that what I have to do?

sooperdooper Mon 28-Jan-13 16:37:33

It was both your responsibility to take the risk, but do you want to continue a relationship with a man who pushes you into this kind of decision? it's not just your fault you're pregnant!

pictish Mon 28-Jan-13 16:38:55

I think you would deeply regret having a termination OP. That's all I can say.

Moominsarehippos Mon 28-Jan-13 16:40:37

If you went through with a termination against your will, then the relationship would be damaged (who knows how badly) for ever. You wanted a child and told him. He knew this and should have had apt he snip if he was that adamant. Is he in shock? I'm assuming it's still early days.

Why is he so against it? Is there a real reason or does he just not feel up to it/too old/too skint, etc?

HecateWhoopass Mon 28-Jan-13 16:41:30

Will you be able to stay with him if you feel he forced you into an abortion?

Would that not make you hate him, in time?

And if he knew no contraceptive was being used then he can't claim he was tricked into anything. Nice try and all that, but he's responsible for this just as much as you are.

The question you need to ask yourself at this point is - do you want a baby?

sleepyhead Mon 28-Jan-13 16:41:43

I don't think that's the choice tbh. If you have an abortion that you don't want then you don't just go back to the status quo.

The choice is between having a baby and possibly losing your partner, or having an abortion and possibly resenting your partner for ever more (and therefore losing them).

pepperrabbit Mon 28-Jan-13 16:43:55

If you really want this baby, and terminate to please/keep him, I suspect you will never forgive yourself and you will never forgive him.

delilahlilah Mon 28-Jan-13 16:46:38

You cannot 'undo' an abortion... however IF you want him back despite his attitude, it maybe that you can 'undo' the break up. Also, what if you terminate and he leaves anyway?

Locketjuice Mon 28-Jan-13 16:48:58

So he's is willing to make you choose and your even considering him? Sorry OP I think it really shows his personality and lack of care/respect if he's willing to put that on your shoulders... BUT and a huge one!
My oh when I told him I was pregnant did give me that ultimatum I told him to fuck off as he as well as me knew the risk when I had missed pills and had told him about them so was never a big secret, he came back with his tail between his legs!
He won't even talk about it now as he is so embarrassed how he acted, and only realised afterwards the enormity of what he was asking!

I hope whatever you choose you do not regret it and only you will know in your heart what you really want

ohforfoxsake Mon 28-Jan-13 16:49:04

What a sad dilemma sad

If you want the baby then continue with the pregnancy. You have to live with the choice you make either way so you should put yourself and what you want first.

You could well end up resenting him, blaming him and the relationship is over. He may end up loving the baby and you could be happy. Who knows what might happen, but the only constant is you, the only one you can be sure of is you, and so you must put yourself first.

Locketjuice Mon 28-Jan-13 16:50:52

And can I ask how far gone are you?

CarlingBlackMabel Mon 28-Jan-13 16:51:15

Do you think your relationship will survive, even if you have an abortion?
He has unprotected sex but refuses to take responsibility, you play games with language and communication, letting it happen by default because he didn't ask...you seem to want a baby badly enough to take advantage of his one moment of not asking, therefore presumably wnat a baby more than you wnat him, or to respect his feelings? He wants NOT to have a baby more than he wants you to be happy?

If you deeply want the baby, have the baby. Maybe he will genuinely have a change of heart and step into fatherhood, or maybe not.

But if you deeply deeply want this baby, why are you asking us?

Do you want him to take all the blame? Make it HIS decision to avoid a decision of your own?

Tough observations and questions, but I ask with your interests at heart, and wish you well, whatever decision you make. Sorry you are in this position and there was no smooth agreement between you. sad

CailinDana Mon 28-Jan-13 16:52:02

This isn't a clear cut choice. The choice is - have an abortion if you want one, or don't if you don't. Whether your DP stays in the relationship or not is up to him, not you. Having an abortion you don't want will not salvage your relationship so don't make your decision based on that. Keep the baby if you want to keep it, what happens with your relationship is a separate matter.

How did this situation come about? It sounds like communication between you is extremely bad - both of you seemed unclear on what the other wanted. Is it normally that bad?

glasscompletelybroken Mon 28-Jan-13 16:52:06

I had the same dilemma once and decided to keep the baby. he left but it was because he was having an affair and would have left anyway.

kickassangel Mon 28-Jan-13 16:53:51

Any adult who has consenting sex should be aware that they could become a parent. It's not exactly breaking news. If he had sex, he could become a dad. To make it your fault is just cruel.

Think about that for a while then decide what you want. You didn't trick him, in fact it sounds like he played mind games with you (unless there's more you're not telling us).

Best wishes, this is a terrible situation to be in.

adoption?

LittleMissStupid Mon 28-Jan-13 16:55:47

i agree with pictish.

Lovingfreedom Mon 28-Jan-13 16:56:39

Sounds like you wanted a baby more than a relationship in the first place and that's what you've ended up with. It might be the way that you've worded your post but it does come across that your DP was never really into the whole pregnancy thing and you knew that deep down all along. He's been irresponsible though by letting you get pregnant when he wasn't up for it. Given how keen you were to get pregnant it's clear that the relationship is not going to survive a termination. You would be distraught to lose a very much wanted (by you) baby. I'd say as long as you still feel you want to have a baby and are clear that it might well be as a single parent, have this baby, and take it from there.

Dahlen Mon 28-Jan-13 16:58:00

Only you can make this decision, and it's as much an emotional one as it is a pragmatic one, which might not make any sense to anyone other than you, but it's only you who matters in this scenario.

I think your relationship is in trouble anyway, in all honesty. You don't sound able to communicate well and you're certainly not pulling together as a team.

Read back your second paragraph. You say he was quite clear he didn't want a baby and then qualify it with a woolly 'most of the time'. That's wishful thinking on your part. It's obvious he hadn't really had a change of heart and was simply not protesting as much at certain times. You chose to ignore that because the desire for a baby is so strong. If you now abort, I can almost guarantee the resentment will kill your relationship anyway.

On his part, no excuses. He knew how you felt and decided to go ahead and take the risk anyway. He hasn't been tricked into fathering this child anymore than I am conned out of a £1 when I play the lottery. We all know the best and worse case scenrios and in the case of unprotected sex, the risk of conception is pretty bloody high. Blaming you is a complete cop out, but again he chose to ignore what you were saying because his desire to have sex (unprotected) was stronger. If you have this baby, he'll either have to accept his part in it (unlikely, since men who argue that women 'tricked' them into having a child rarely do) or he'll continue to paint himself further and further as a victim and use it as a steak to beat you with forevermore.

Still your decision, but in your shoes, I'd be looking to plan life as a single parent of two.

Dahlen Mon 28-Jan-13 17:00:09

stick hmm not steak

<is now picturing the OP's partner running round brandishing a steak>

izzyizin Mon 28-Jan-13 17:07:19

It's as Carling says: He has unprotected sex but refuses to take responsibility, you play games with language and communication, letting it happen by default because he didn't ask...

Now you've got the 2nd pg you wanted, you need to ask yourself the question you should have considered before you chose not to use contraception; namely, do you want another baby badly enough to be a single parent to 2 dc?

aufaniae Mon 28-Jan-13 17:07:35

I also think maintaining a relationship with someone long term who has put such pressure on you to have a termination when you don't want to is probably untenable.

RubyrooUK Mon 28-Jan-13 17:12:36

I agree with everyone else. You have to work out if an abortion is a possibility for you. If not, you have to accept that may mean the end of your relationship. But only you know which of those two things is most unpalatable to you. (And would your relationship survive an abortion even if you chose to stay with him?)

I also agree entirely with Dahlen. Of course your husband took the risk of sleeping with you without protection so as an adult has to take responsibility for that, but it doesn't sound like communication has been very good between you.

When my DH and I decided to try for DC2, he wouldn't have actively tried to avoid my fertile times, for example. If your husband was saying no sex in case you got pregnant, this does not sound like a pregnancy he wanted. (At that point, my husband and I would have been having a very serious talk about TTC and our future.)

You haven't tricked him - he has his own brain and knows how babies are made - but it sounds like he wasn't really committed to trying for a baby at all. So now he is reacting to that.

I'm so sorry you're in this very difficult situation OP. I think now all you can do is work out what future is the one that has most chance of making you happy.

AThingInYourLife Mon 28-Jan-13 17:13:36

Your relationship won't survive a coerced abortion.

So your options appear to be

1 have the baby alone
2 don't have the baby alone

CheeseStrawWars Mon 28-Jan-13 17:20:22

If you have an abortion, that doesn't guarantee he'll stay with you.

Sounds to me as if he's almost looking for excuses to leave you - he knows unprotected sex can result in pregnancy, this is not a "trick". But "I broke up with tuckit as she tricked me into a baby I didn't want" lets him off the hook of having to either work on the relationship or take responsibility for ending it.

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