Anyone else with a newborn DC2 scared things will turn out as badly as with DC1?

(12 Posts)
bean612 Wed 06-Feb-13 22:16:58

Sorry, that's not very eloquently expressed - I will try to explain. DS is 5 days old and gorgeous, I'm completely in love with all his tiny fingers and toes. So he won't be put down, day or night, and at the moment he's sleeping in bed with me, but that's okay for now.

The trouble is that DD (now 4), who I love with all my heart, was a NIGHTMARE baby. She had silent reflux, so 3 months of screaming for hours every day before diagnosis, and appalling, appalling sleep problems until she was well past age 3. It nearly broke me and DH, and our marriage. I'm just so afraid that DS will be the same. Of course, it's impossible to tell at this early stage, and if it happens then we'll just have to deal with it, but I can't help feeling coiled with tension about what's going to happen over the next few weeks, which means I'm finding it really hard to enjoy even this early phase. Plus I'm feeling guilty about DD, who is being unbelievably lovely to and about her new baby brother, and desperately wish I could give her more attention (but with constant feeding and v. sore nether regions making it hurt to move, this is nigh impossible).

So... I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, other than - anyone else feel similarly and want to share/vent...? Have you managed to just go with the flow and take what comes? I really want to, but am terrified...

MsFlippingHeck Wed 06-Feb-13 23:04:54

Congratulations.

I was like you 11 months ago. A lovely newborn ds and a terror that I might end up in the same nightmare situation as I did with dd (terrible sleeper/colic/vomit)

He has been a total dream baby fed well and so easy going. He doesn't sleep great (up loads in the night) but I spent 6 months waiting for it to go wrong and it didn't he was just easier.

However you aren't the same first time mum as you were with your dd. you have experience and perspective. Even if ds is another challenging baby you'll know what you're dealing with and that it doesn't last long. Nothing is as hard as the first year with your first baby.

Enjoy him it will be totally fine. And didn't feel guilty about dd you've given her a playmate and friend for life. Stick CBeebies on for a month or 6 and she won't mind.

I worry about this too. I have dd (20 months), she's absolutely great but the newborn days were so hard. She only slept on me, and then only in hour chunks. She cried a lot and I'd spend hours every day walking up and down trying to comfort her. I had a lot of trouble with breastfeeding too, it was very painful for a long time.

I am shortly expecting dd2 (as in I'm writing this to distract myself from the labour!) and I'm really worried about how I'll cope if it's the same. On the one hand I'll be better prepared (with a good sling to hand), on the other hand it seems so much harder to balance the needs of two.

It bothers me that other parents I know all seem to be sailing through the newborn days. I am pleased for them, but it does make me wonder why I struggled to cope so much.

Mum2DS1andDS2 Fri 08-Feb-13 20:35:51

I could have written this a year ago when DS2 was born! DS1 was such a difficult high needs baby (there are literally a hundred threads on here started by me under a different name when he was a baby all asking for advice and saying how I was barely coping!) The whole of DS1's babyhood was horrific. Endless crying and whinging and desperately trying to get him to nap which he would only ever do after much rocking cuddling and him screaming to sleep on me. It was horrible. By the time he was 3 he was this amazing, wonderful, calm, chatty little boy and I knew we just had to have another!

So enters DS2, he was so placid for the first 12 days yeat I was so on edge looking for signs and panicking at every whinge incase this was the start of it all unravelling.

Anyway, after 12 days the shit hit the fan and DS2 kind of woke up from his newborn sleepiness and became just as grumpy and high needs as his big brother (not trying to scare you, just being honest)

It has been a very trying year. I felt endlessly guilty for the lack of time and patience I have had for DS1. I miss him terribly sometimes but as DS2 gets older the more I see us reconnecting again and seeing him as a 'bit brother' is beautiful.

Thing is, you can't change what will happen. This baby may well stay a sleeping beauty or could morph into a red faced back arching screamer but either way you will cope. You have done it before, you can do it again. It all gets better. It's all worth it. The less you stress, the easier it is.

bean612 Tue 12-Feb-13 11:35:26

Thank you for your replies - haven't been able to type much as DS permanently on my lap!

Mum2DS1andDS2 do you have any strategies for coping?? I am very afraid we may be heading the same way as you - it sounds as though your DS1 and my DD were very similar, and so far my DS is mostly sleeping or feeding but has been quite fussy the last couple of evenings and yelling his head off unless I feed him - if DH tries to hold him/comfort him he just gets hysterical. I know you're right, we've done it before and we'll (have to) do it again, but at this point I'm wondering where I'll find the strength. It just doesn't seem fair.

Iggly Tue 12-Feb-13 13:19:38

Yes this was me but 14 months in, dd (DC2) is a much different baby. In fact she was harder as a newborn but easier I some ways. I coped by:

Using a sling pretty much non stop for the first 12 weeks. I felt claustrophobic at times but dd was happier - she slept and I could get on with stuff with ds while she slept. Could go to the park, library etc etc and get out.

Used a dummy despite being a bit hmm

Asked and took help when offered.

Let things go. Tv for toddler if needed, bought him a lot of small toys and magazines to keep him quiet, and didn't care how baby dd napped as long as she did get sleep. From 5/6 months I put her in her cot for naps when at home (after feeding and rocking) and she was and still is a much much better napper than ds ever was! Same for bedtimes. This is despite rocking her and cosleeping until 9/10 months.

Saw the GP as soon as I suspected reflux. Cut out stuff from my diet (dairy, soya and spicy food) which made a massive difference.

Kept up DS's routine.

Got out every day.

Iggly Tue 12-Feb-13 13:21:30

Oh and check for tongue tie too. It might be that and not reflux !

mummy2benji Wed 13-Feb-13 20:19:47

Oh bless you, you could be me. Ds had silent reflux and was diagnosed late so all the meds didn't work and he developed a feeding refusal - ten hospital admissions before he was 1 as he just refused to drink (just screamed and screamed, as you mentioned) and didn't even start weaning till he was 15 months. He is now 4 and lives off sausages, chicken nuggets and yoghurt. I was terrified before having dd - she is now 15 weeks and although on ranitidine it is nothing like ds - she drinks her milk! Two babies are never the same. Your second may have reflux but it is so unlikely to be as severe again. All the best and congratulations smile

WearyWalker Wed 13-Feb-13 21:07:57

Congratulations on your ds, and loads of sympathy from me too. Had exactly the same hideous sleeping/ feeding problems with ds1, and although we really wanted another dc, I have to admit that I cried when I found out I was pregnant with ds2 because I was so scared of what I would do if it was as hard. And yes, he wasn't great either, but as other posters have so wisely said, it's much easier knowing a bit more about babies second time round - and also knowing that it will get better in the end, however things go with your ds.

My dss are big now (7 and 9) but the reason I'm so sympathetic is because I now have a four month old dd too - who is another reflux sufferer/crap sleeper (as Iggly will know as she gave me some great advice on a thread I started about sleep deprivation). You can tell by the massive age gap that it took us a while to feel ready to face a baby again - but my point is, we did, because our boys have both ended up so lovely and easy (well, I think they are!). Plus they are brilliant friends, despite all the worries I felt about ds2 taking all my time up when he was born.

Third time round, I feel I can handle it by just trying to stay calm and waiting it out - just as you say, going with the flow. It's easy for me to say because my sons are so much older now, but looking back, all the agonising I went through trying to 'fix' their problems didn't really help - they just got there in their own good time. So, with my totally unputdownable dd, I'm using the sling loads, co-sleeping and trying very very hard to avoid anyone whose babies sleep angelically in their cots all night smile.

Sorry to blather on, but I just so feel your pain! But your ds is so weeny, he may surprise you yet. And if all else fails, take his things off and hold him skin to skin - this always made me/makes me remember how utterly tiny and vulnerable babies are, and how they aren't doing it on purpose. Always gave me the strength to battle through another 24 hours! Will shut up now, sorry.

bean612 Fri 15-Feb-13 10:11:58

Thank you Iggly, mummy2benji and WearyWalker for your good advice. I like the idea of having a bag of small toys/books etc for DD - we have a great 99p shop nearby which I will raid for drawing/craft stuff and small toys, which will be great for when DH goes back to work and I am pinned to the sofa feeding half the afternoon!

I can't deny I'm still very nervous about the reflux issue, but as you say there's nothing I can do if it happens. DS is 2 weeks old today and so far not exhibiting any signs of it, but then I don't think DD did straight away - more like at around 4 weeks. Does that sound likely? When did your DC start showing signs? Anyway, yes I think I just need to go with the sling, co-sleeping thing, though I'm going to try once a day to put him down during the day in his Moses basket to see if one day he won't settle there. Yesterday he managed 10 mins! I think I'm also feeling wobbly as I had a PPH and still feeling quite weak and pathetic physically, as haemoglobin levels still low and trying not to take it easy with the iron tablets as they are so constipating (sorry, TMI grin). Tiredness from broken nights would be easier without anaemia, I reckon!

But enough moaning. Thank you all for your support, it really does help.

duende Sat 16-Feb-13 19:45:06

Hi, bean , I'm not in your situation yet, but will be. I've got DS who is 3.5 and a lovely child, but was a nightmare baby. Silent reflux, lactose intolerance, cow milk protein intolerance, 6 months of screaming, nap resister....

I'm 16 weeks pregnant with number 2 (again, you can see it took as a while to bite the bullet and decide to have no2) and dreading the same 6-12 months of stress, anxiety, and exhaustion as the first time round.

I hope your baby turns out to be very placid, easy going, calm and happy smile and reflux free!

bean612 Mon 18-Feb-13 10:32:58

Hi duende, congratulations on your pregnancy! It's good to know there are others out there who understand the anxiety. Well, a couple of weeks on from my first post DS is doing ok. He's a terrible sleeper, but that's only to be expected with a 17-day-old! More importantly, there has been no screaming or other reflux signs yet, which is good, but I'm not relaxing just yet. We will see...

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