5 months pregnant and my fiance has just passed away

(109 Posts)
Soppykiss Sat 02-Feb-13 23:56:36

My fiance died two weeks ago and I am just over 5 months. He was diagnosed with cancer the same day I found out I was pregnant. I just don't know if I can do this without him. I've not bought anything for the baby and I really don't know how I feel right now. I'm functioning because I know he would have wanted me to be strong and look after the baby but it's hard.

catladycourtney1 Sat 02-Feb-13 23:58:54

I'm so sorry.
I don't know what to say but I didn't want to read and not reply.
I can't imagine how awful that must be.

SueDunome Sun 03-Feb-13 00:00:58

I am truly sorry and cannot imagine how you must be feeling - so sad and so unfair.

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 00:01:46

I am so sorry sad

Have you been in touch with cruise? They are a bereavement charity and some people find them helpful.

Take it a day at a time and keep posting I am sure some more knowledgeable posters will be along with advice and support xxx

FirstTimeForEverything Sun 03-Feb-13 00:02:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FirstTimeForEverything Sun 03-Feb-13 00:02:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soppykiss Sun 03-Feb-13 00:08:50

I went to my doctor's to see if I could get anything to help me sleep, which I can't as it will effect the baby. I mentioned counselling but they said it was too early, people tend to have it further down the line. I have looked Cruse up and I am going to give them a call on Monday.

I'm living with his parents as I can't bear to go back to our home, we're trying to support one another through this. The funeral is on the 8th, and I am dreading it, as it draws a line underneath it all and all that's left is the grieving process - if that makes sense?

The hard part is everyone thinks that I am being strong, I'm just struggling to get my head around it all. I just can't believe he's gone.

I'm so worried I am not going to bond with the baby.

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 00:16:39

I am glad you have the support of his parents.

The funeral will be hard, be kind to yourself.

Do you know the sex of the baby? It may help you to bond if you find out. But lots of mums don't bond straight away, it takes time to get to know your baby so don't beat yourself up about that.

The sleep I had to take sleeping meds when preg with ds1 but they admitted me to hospital so they could keep an eye on the baby, that may be an option for you.

And counselling may be a good idea.

Has your go put you in touch with your health visitor yet, and your midwife may be able to offer help.

Soppykiss Sun 03-Feb-13 00:23:27

I'm seeing my mid wife on Tuesday, when I called her and told her the news she broke down and cried. I found myself comforting her, I'm kinda dreading seeing her, as I know there will be lots of tears.

I don't know the sex of the baby, he never wanted to know. A few days before he passed away the hospital he was at kindly organised a sexing scan. The sonographer wrote the sex down and gave it to my mother in law. I wanted him to be able to know before he died. When we were saying our personal goodbyes his mum asked him if he wanted to know and he nodded, so at least he knows whether we're having a little boy or girl. I'm still respecting his wishes by not finding out, as he would be gutted if he thought I knew.

I can trust his mum not to say anything to me or anyone else, as it's their special bond.

FarelyKnuts Sun 03-Feb-13 00:29:44

I am so sorry. I really have no words. But please, if it helps, keep posting here, people are always listening.
It is lovely that he died knowing whether you are having a wee boy or girl. What a special secret to take with him. take care of yourself

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 00:29:45

That's lovely that he knew the sex off the baby smile

Bless your midwife, tears are good but I hope she supports you, had she met your dp? If you can manage to see the same midwife all the way through that will be good and save you having to keep explaining.

I am so sorry I don't have any wise words or anything comforting to say sad

Would you like to tell us about him?

giraffesCantEatNHSPotatoes Sun 03-Feb-13 00:30:44

So sorry to hear that x

morethanpotatoprints Sun 03-Feb-13 00:34:36

Soppykiss.

I am so sorry, and can't imagine what you must be going through.
As others have suggested be kind to yourself and please accept any help that is offered.
It takes time to bond with a baby, I am sure when the time comes you will be fine in this respect.
Best wishes to you.

FREEHULLYxxDeepRedBetty Sun 03-Feb-13 00:34:46

I can't imagine how awful this is for you. One thing I do know is that it's good to talk about the person you've lost, so please, as 5mad says, tell us about him if you'd like. And had you talked about names for your baby?

DianaTrent Sun 03-Feb-13 00:35:51

Oh, Soppy, I am so very sorry. Cancer is such a cruel bastard. This is for later, but when your little one is here and you feel ready, do have a look at Winston's Wish for child friendly books and ideas of nice ways to help make him part of his child's life. For yourself, I heartily recommend Maggies if there is a centre near you. Don't think too far ahead for now, though, just getting through each hour is plenty good enough at the moment. Thinking of you.

SpikeHairandFab Sun 03-Feb-13 00:47:04

I am so very sorry,I hate cancer. Don't worry, you will bond with your baby,I'm sure of it,it will be part of your beloved fiance and you.My hart goes to you and all my prayers are with you.Be strong ,the time is the cure,just try to get through each day,xxx

Selks Sun 03-Feb-13 00:47:33

I am so very very sorry to hear of the sad loss of your Fiance. I don't know what else to say, but just wanted to send my condolences. x

Soppykiss Sun 03-Feb-13 00:52:22

Thank you all, just writing this is providing some comfort and I will definitely look into your recommendations.

I met Jon online about 4 years ago, I always said it was fate that we were meant to be together. We would often be at the same place at the same time. Jon proposed to me in November, we were hoping to get married next year, once the baby was old enough to toddle down the aisle.

Jon was very witty, handsome and intelligent - he gained a 1st at uni and had been working as an accountant. At the age of 31 he decided to go back to uni part time as he wanted to become a lawyer, he was offered a training contract at a human rights law firm for 2014. He had beaten 300 other candidates for the role. Jon was never smug with his intelligence either, always patient with me and would often proof read all my important work emails.

He was one of lifes nice guys, he would walk on the outside of me so he would be the one closest to the road. I set up a fundraising page in his memory on the 22/1 and as it stands today it is at £11,635 without gift aid. The comments are amazing, he really did touch everyone's hearts.

I've started putting stuff together for the baby, I've got his twitter and facebook account turned into a book. I'm going to print out all the comments from the fundraising page and put them into a book. I found a youtube clip of him being interviewed once, so baby will always know what daddy sounded like. Jon also wrote a blog when he was travelling a few years ago, I am getting that turned into a book too. I'm thinking about trying to sell it online and donating the money to one of the charities that gave him a great source of comfort throughout his illness.

I'm trying to be proactive, but it's at night when I struggle - I keep thinking about him when he was ill and I can't push those thoughts out of my head.

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 01:00:06

He sounds like an amazing man, I am sure your baby will grow up very proud of their father.

Its lovely that you are putting things together to share with your child, they will be very important to both of you.

Do you have pictures you can look at, of happier times and maybe some favorite music tracks you could listen to when you are struggling?

Sorry if that's a crap idea, I hope with time the bad memories will fade a bit and you cash focus on the good times but its all very fresh and raw at the moment.

Keep posting and talking if it helps, happy to listen just wish I had something helpful to say xxx

Soppykiss Sun 03-Feb-13 01:06:19

I've so many photos, I'm going to make a collage for his life celebration. I've spent the past few days scanning loads in. The idea of the collage is that people can take photos with them, hopefully giving them some comfort.

The great thing about Jon's mum is she has kept everything from his childhood. She had his scout uniform out the other day.

I hope the bad memories will fade too, I don't have a lot to do at the moment a lot of the estate admin has now been sorted out. The week after the funeral I am going to sort out our flat. I'm going to store everything, as I don't want to get rid of things in haste and regret it later.

I really appreciate just having someone willing to listen x

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 01:07:11

I as,m going to bed now but will check back in tomorrow and I am sure that when mnet is busier in daytime you will get some moire replies,I hope you get some sleep, take care xx

Soppykiss Sun 03-Feb-13 01:07:52

Thank you and good night - I appreciate you chatting x

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 01:08:26

You sound very organized which is great but take some time out if you need to some of the practicalities can wait if you need them to xxx

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 01:08:39

Xxx

Mosman Sun 03-Feb-13 01:09:33

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, your child will be so proud of his/her father and you for keeping those memories safe for them.

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