NCT - leaving people out? AIBU?

(50 Posts)
shinyblackgrape Tue 26-Feb-13 17:56:15

I have a 12 week old DS and a very nice NCT group. We normally meet every Tuesday for coffee

Now that the babies are a bit older, we have started to do more things together - we've just done a music class thing. We also go out for walks etc. as we meet quite a few times a week, it's quite relaxed if you can't make a meet up etc.

Soooo... We met today for coffee and not all of us were there, as usual. Three if us were left at the end and agreed to go out for a walk. The other two asked me if we should email the others and I said yes. I had to pop out to the car and when I came back, they were saying we should not bother and just have a 'select" group etc

I feel really uncomfortable about this. I would hate there to be any kind of feeling that we're leaving other out. I really want to try and bring DS up to include everyone if possible and I would hate to think that the others in the group feel like we're branching off

I think my feelings may be slightly coloured by hormones and the fact that most of the rest of the group are going to a baby swimming class. This was arranged at a coffee meet up that I couldn't make. However, I only knew about it because there's been lots of "see you next Thursday at swimming. Oooh we were so lucky to get on the course and it all sold out now." I'm not terribly bothered as I don't want to take DS til he's 6 months but I do feel bit excluded when they're all talking about what applies they'll need for it. I feel a bit sad for DS which is nuts as he obviously couldn't care less but it made me feel a bit like they didn't want us to come

I'm taking DS to another class and made sure I said to everyone by email etc and funnily enough most if them want to come.

I don't know if this is just the first in a long line of things like this - welcome to parenthood! I do also know that there will certainly be times thatbDS doesn't get invited to parties etc and I'm totally fine with that etc. However, in a group where everyone ostensibly gets on, AIBU to want invites to be open to all?

shinyblackgrape Tue 26-Feb-13 17:57:21

"Applies" - "nappies"!

WipsGlitter Tue 26-Feb-13 18:04:56

How many are in the group? It all sounds a bit intense both the having to tell everyone all the movements, all the time, and the fretting. Plough your own furrow!

MajaBiene Tue 26-Feb-13 18:07:15

Unless there is only 4 of you in the group, then it's fine to do things in pairs/threes etc - surely sometimes you don't want to do things in a big group?

It's a shame that you missed out on the swimming, but I'm sure it wasn't done deliberately.

shinyblackgrape Tue 26-Feb-13 18:08:13

I don't want to tell everyone all the movements. I just feel uncomfortable at not issuing open invites.

There's 7 in the group smile

MajaBiene Tue 26-Feb-13 18:10:11

7 is too many to always do everything together - surely people naturally become closer friends with some than others? Are you really going to invite everyone everytime you have someone round for coffee, go for a walk, visit softplay?

shinyblackgrape Tue 26-Feb-13 18:15:33

Well I would to be honest to classes and walks etc

I went to a very mean girls school and I feel intensely uncomfortable about this kind if thing. It's just as easy to text 7 people as 4.

I'm not suggesting liaising fir days over times etc just saying a time and place to meet and people can come if they want or not

nosleeps Tue 26-Feb-13 18:21:36

I'm totally with you on this one.

MajaBiene Tue 26-Feb-13 18:28:47

Sometimes you don't want to hang out with a huge group of people though - are there never times you just want to do something low-key?

I get what you are saying about classes, or maybe big daytrips, but inviting everyone every time you go out for a walk is way OTT.

There were 8 in our NCT group and we always let each other know about groups we were going to and then everyone could decide if they were interested. 3 years on, we still meet weekly, and this still happens. It is rare that we all sign up to the same things but it's nice to know that no one would ever feel left out.smile

shinyblackgrape Tue 26-Feb-13 18:37:29

singsong - yes, that's what I try to do re the groups.

Re the walks, I'm really not bothered if everyone wants to come along. As I said, it tends to be a case of stating a time and place and people can come if they want. No big drama re liaising with everyone for times etc so I don't see the issue with letting everyone know

I think I might actually be singsongmummy so what she said.

YANBU especially at this early stage when you all still need support.

3 years on stronger friendship lines have formed within our group & lives have moved on, more children etc. but for something major we still ask everyone.

doctorhamster Tue 26-Feb-13 18:46:29

There are 8 of us in my nct group from 5 years ago. We now have 17 children between us...theres no way we can all meet up together! Your group will naturally split into smaller sub groups. It doesn't mean anyone is being mean or deliberately trying to exclude you.

trinitybleu Tue 26-Feb-13 18:47:33

It does get easier as time goes on - we're nearly 6 years on. We now meet in small groups, pairs, bigger groups - whatever. We do invite everyone to things like craft sessions or days out, but also they know I can't do anything daytimes as I work, so unless it's something big i.e. safari park or day trip, they skip me. If they arranged something like that or a class without me, I'd be miffed!

(to be fair, they'd probably text me and offer to take DD for me!)

tomatoplantproject Tue 26-Feb-13 18:57:42

We are 7 and always include all 7 on the emails, even though 1 person has made our weekly afternoons twice in about 4 months worth of meetups. We email about classes and we go for walks, little outings etc. but normally only 3 or 4 max can make the more informal get togethers. Even though we hardly see %237 we've agreed it would feel mean not include everyone on the emails (and there are suspicions she has pnd - we've given up reaching out to her but wanted to leave the way open if she felt she needed some company)

dizzy77 Tue 26-Feb-13 19:27:20

We had 8 in our group, and after a while weren't able to do everything together, so naturally those around would come to certain things on certain days. We use a Facebook group and if we have an idea when only a few are around, usually post it on there save texting etc. Our Dc are now approaching 2 with number 2 on the way for some of us, and whilst I see some people more than others (many of us work part time, different days), a couple have moved away, we still make efforts to be inclusive even if it doesn't work out like that.

I also worked hard to make other friends through other activities, so I'm not completely dependent/reliant on my NCT group. I'm lucky: they're great and I don't observe any bitchiness or competitiveness, we definitely have a different bond as we met before the dc arrived, but I like having different friends elsewhere and spend time across the week with a range of people.

I do find comparing maternity leave to starting a new job, rather than school, a more helpful comparison.

WipsGlitter Tue 26-Feb-13 19:41:58

shiny I remember you posting about wanting a low intervention birth - you'd had some bad experiences with your ante-natal care i think, how did it all go in the end?

shinyblackgrape Tue 26-Feb-13 20:34:57

wips - thank you for asking. Well.....I had a 40 labour then a forceps delivery grin!

Managed not to have an epidural though and the threat of a section meant I had practically pushed DS out by the time I got to the theatre so it was just as case of lifting him out really.

DS had as tongue tie so never managed to establish bf but I'm managing to feed him by exclusively expressing which is quite tiring as he's 15lbs but he's the most easy baby and a joy.

After speaking to my NCT chums I realise I had a relatively easy time - episiotomy was tiny and has healed brilliantly. I'm the only one who's not been referred for physio apart from the girl who had an emergency section shock

shinyblackgrape Tue 26-Feb-13 20:39:39

babies - agree re the support thing. We have someone in our group who is struggling too and we all have "off" days. I think people are naturally less robust and I just feel very sensitive about causing upset.

doctor - that's a completely different scenario. I'm talking about the current situation where we are all first time mums with one child each.

Fortunately, I do have other friends with children who I meet up with each week and I also like having time with just DS so got plenty to do but, as I said above, just want to make sure I'm inclusive

willesden Tue 26-Feb-13 20:46:57

Which is why second time around mums avoid the NCT like a dose of worms. Once bitten, twice shy.

MorphandChas Tue 26-Feb-13 20:57:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kerala Tue 26-Feb-13 21:03:56

Urrgh thread gives me flashbacks to early days with PFB listening to one NCT "friend" telling me about the marvellous time her and one of the others had had the previous day, knowing full well that they hadn't invited me and I was sitting at home with a baby. So mean!

7 is too many though its easier to split off into twos and threes especially once they are mobile. 7 18 monthers in a flat no thanks. Our group now spread to the 4 winds. Still see 2 of them (6 years on) and the occasional big group meet up.

shinyblackgrape Tue 26-Feb-13 21:08:38

kerala - hmm shock. They sound lovely!

Footface Tue 26-Feb-13 22:13:48

Feel more sorry for the other mums in swimming class.

Ds started swimming and the whole group was made up of one nct group. For 6 weeks I said hello every week and was lucky if I got a smile, but people started to go back to work and one nct mum was left. That week she tried to speak to me, I didn't bother speaking back

redwellybluewelly Tue 26-Feb-13 22:19:55

Ours was like kerala experience.

Never again. I only found out much later just how much I had been excluded from. Was sad but I would always send a roundrobin email or text if hheading off somewhere.

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